This section should be a teeny bit angsty, so be prepared. I just want to say again, I love you guys! And 'Hey!' to my faithful readers & reviewers, you guys make me feel appreciated, even if it is just a fic : )
"You want to know? But, why? Why would you want to know?" A slight hint of irritation quivering through his voice
I begin to say way to quickly with nervousness "I, er, want to know who you are, and I can't truly know who you are until I know your past, and a large part of your past revolves around that, th-that mark on your arm, and I just need to sometime know something if we are to continue with, with us."
"You must know now?" He has a tone of complete and udder disdain as he clutches his forearm (like I can see the mark under the robe...?)
"No. Well, not now...but in due time of course. I- I'd like to know now, but if you don't, if you don't want to talk yet, it's perfectly fine." Apologetically I say
"Do you even have an idea about my past?" He says while creasing his forehead in his severity
"Yes." I say, trying to convince him
"How can you?" He says with an awful accusing tone in his voice.
"I've known you for almost seven full years, whether you know it or not, I've learned about you." I am speaking with all of my knowledge of his life I've stored in my mind these past seven years, rushing to be said, "Though Dumbledore, through Harry, and through you and your actions. I saw the mark when you showed it to Fudge the night Voldemort came back in the end of my fourth year, and I've overheard you talking about things sometimes to Moody and other Professors when Voldemort was rising to power. And you think I have no idea? I know you've murdered, lied, and—"I cut myself off as I see his expression immediately drop from anger to something I've never seen on him before... was it sorrow?
He face is hurt and perplexed. His fathomless eyes are shut tight, has a slender tear falling down the side of his face.
"I'm sorry."
He is looking so icy and sad, I remove his hands from resting on his legs and I cover his still body with mine in an embrace as I cry, my tears falling into his still moist from the shower hair.
Two hours later I wake laying down on him, my many tears dried to my skin. My eyes are swollen, but I can't remember crying for that long.
I shouldn't have brought it up so early in our relationship. Stupid, stupid, stupid! I ought to have waited so much deal longer, if I even were to ask...ever. I hope I didn't wreck us.
"You're awake now?" he whispers
"Oh! Yes, how long have you been? ... I'm sorry Severus, I didn't mean to pry or be rude, I just-"
He presses two of his long fingers against my lips to silence my rambling.
"Only a little while, I have been awake. I know... you didn't mean any harm by asking, but I'm not ready to tell you yet. I haven't yet told anyone. And I'm not about to right now." He states defensively and dully
"Maybe, perhaps, when you er, love me, you will?" I question
He's astonished; he isn't hiding his emotions very well tonight, I can't blame him
"You think you and I will fall in er, love?"
"Unless you're planning to break up with me, well, yes, we will, we can't stay together and not feel anything stronger than just a crush."
"But, it's me! I'm not...not..."His voice deteriorates
"Loveable? What are you talking about? Haven't you been in love?"
He doesn't answer instead he just looks into my eyes, his eyes searching my face, his brows furrowing with thought, remaining without a reply
"Not yet then?" I answer for him.
He just admits a thin smile almost uneasily.
"You aren't hiding your emotions very well anymore, at least around me."
"But I don't want to hide from you."
I can't help myself, I just have to kiss him, and so I do.
Back in the Gryffindor common room, playing chess with Harry...
"Hermione, it's your move you know."
"Oh, sorry." I'm so distracted there's no way I'm going to beat Harry
"Okay then, let's see...you there, go to E5."
"Checkmate."
Oh, darn it?
"Hermione, are you okay? You've been acting odd lately and Ron and I don't know why."
"Oh, Harry, I'm sorry. I've just been busy and it's making me distracted. You know we are supposed to be studying."
"Studying! But it's nearing Easter of our final year at Hogwarts! You don't have any big exams to study for!"
"Oh yes we do! Finals are also getting nearer! And if we don't pass those, we don't get good jobs or get to go on to excellent universities!"
"Oh. Well, we still have plenty of time...right?"
"No! No we don't! Plus there are other things I have to do in addition to just studying!"
"What could you possibly do also?"
Eh...heh...yes, so what should I say? I certainly can't tell him. EVER! Well, not yet, and for a while at least.
"Well, we still have the Order to keep going once we leave, in addition to our normal lives." I'm trying to convince this little voice that it's true because we are keeping the order going to detect and stop dark arts from rising to power again, but it shouldn't take up much of my time.
"Hermione..." he speaks reproachfully
"We do though!"
"After our Hogwarts days are over!"
"Harry, I have to go." I need to leave before I slip up
"What? Why?"
"I'm... tired, goodnight. Say goodnight to Ron when he gets back from the 'library' for me."
"Ah, all right. G'night."
I get up and leave to the stairs to ascent to my room.
Ever since actual classes had started up again, it hasn't been too hard to hide my relationship to Severus. He still treats me (during class) like he always did. He acts as the usual severe, scornful, wicked, and terrifying man we all loved to hate. Brooding over us all when we are trying to correctly make the potion he asked us to create, while answering his nit-picky questions (all of which I remain the only one to know the answers before hand.) and breathing down our necks to intimidate us (secretly, I now get shivers from it, heh) I just have to be careful of not allowing myself to get flustered.
"Mister Potter," He drawls while hissing the 's' in mister, "What exactly do you think you are doing?"
"Pouring in my ounce of ground beetle dust." Harry states defiantly
"I wouldn't do that if I were you."
"Why not."
"Would you please read aloud the 7th line on the board and the step you made before you started adding the dust?"
"6 leaves of Jaugarie stirred in clockwise for 3 stirs, 1 half of a bottle of the Essence of Davari, and 1 sliver of fresh Primrose," Then, a heart-wrenching dawn of realization came across Harry's face while Severus wickedly smirks at his mistake, "Then a dash of beetle juice followed by the ground beetle dust."
"And you missed putting in the juice, didn't you, Potter? You were too arrogant to bother reading the directions fully."
"I wasn't 'arrogant' sir. I just---"
"Made a boo-boo, did we? Ten points from Gryffindor for Potter's overconfidence in Potions."
He really does taunt Harry pretty mercilessly... I still don't understand why he takes his frustration of Harry's father and his friends out on Harry. He still hasn't really done much to deserve this sort of agony... Well, nothing that serious...serious...Sirius...okay so maybe he has some things to be pissed off about, but they weren't always all Harry's fault, they were mine too, and Ron's. Maybe I could talk about that to him too...but then he'll think Harry is weak, and Harry isn't weak. He's been through so much, and I know he still hasn't told Ron and I everything.
I have two men who are hiding from me whether they realize it or not, yet I love them both dearly. I choke on my own thoughts.
Love? Do I love Severus?
A small voice answers me in the back of my mind
Yes. You do love him.
GAH! I'm in love!
"You want to know? But, why? Why would you want to know?" A slight hint of irritation quivering through his voice
I begin to say way to quickly with nervousness "I, er, want to know who you are, and I can't truly know who you are until I know your past, and a large part of your past revolves around that, th-that mark on your arm, and I just need to sometime know something if we are to continue with, with us."
"You must know now?" He has a tone of complete and udder disdain as he clutches his forearm (like I can see the mark under the robe...?)
"No. Well, not now...but in due time of course. I- I'd like to know now, but if you don't, if you don't want to talk yet, it's perfectly fine." Apologetically I say
"Do you even have an idea about my past?" He says while creasing his forehead in his severity
"Yes." I say, trying to convince him
"How can you?" He says with an awful accusing tone in his voice.
"I've known you for almost seven full years, whether you know it or not, I've learned about you." I am speaking with all of my knowledge of his life I've stored in my mind these past seven years, rushing to be said, "Though Dumbledore, through Harry, and through you and your actions. I saw the mark when you showed it to Fudge the night Voldemort came back in the end of my fourth year, and I've overheard you talking about things sometimes to Moody and other Professors when Voldemort was rising to power. And you think I have no idea? I know you've murdered, lied, and—"I cut myself off as I see his expression immediately drop from anger to something I've never seen on him before... was it sorrow?
He face is hurt and perplexed. His fathomless eyes are shut tight, has a slender tear falling down the side of his face.
"I'm sorry."
He is looking so icy and sad, I remove his hands from resting on his legs and I cover his still body with mine in an embrace as I cry, my tears falling into his still moist from the shower hair.
Two hours later I wake laying down on him, my many tears dried to my skin. My eyes are swollen, but I can't remember crying for that long.
I shouldn't have brought it up so early in our relationship. Stupid, stupid, stupid! I ought to have waited so much deal longer, if I even were to ask...ever. I hope I didn't wreck us.
"You're awake now?" he whispers
"Oh! Yes, how long have you been? ... I'm sorry Severus, I didn't mean to pry or be rude, I just-"
He presses two of his long fingers against my lips to silence my rambling.
"Only a little while, I have been awake. I know... you didn't mean any harm by asking, but I'm not ready to tell you yet. I haven't yet told anyone. And I'm not about to right now." He states defensively and dully
"Maybe, perhaps, when you er, love me, you will?" I question
He's astonished; he isn't hiding his emotions very well tonight, I can't blame him
"You think you and I will fall in er, love?"
"Unless you're planning to break up with me, well, yes, we will, we can't stay together and not feel anything stronger than just a crush."
"But, it's me! I'm not...not..."His voice deteriorates
"Loveable? What are you talking about? Haven't you been in love?"
He doesn't answer instead he just looks into my eyes, his eyes searching my face, his brows furrowing with thought, remaining without a reply
"Not yet then?" I answer for him.
He just admits a thin smile almost uneasily.
"You aren't hiding your emotions very well anymore, at least around me."
"But I don't want to hide from you."
I can't help myself, I just have to kiss him, and so I do.
Back in the Gryffindor common room, playing chess with Harry...
"Hermione, it's your move you know."
"Oh, sorry." I'm so distracted there's no way I'm going to beat Harry
"Okay then, let's see...you there, go to E5."
"Checkmate."
Oh, darn it?
"Hermione, are you okay? You've been acting odd lately and Ron and I don't know why."
"Oh, Harry, I'm sorry. I've just been busy and it's making me distracted. You know we are supposed to be studying."
"Studying! But it's nearing Easter of our final year at Hogwarts! You don't have any big exams to study for!"
"Oh yes we do! Finals are also getting nearer! And if we don't pass those, we don't get good jobs or get to go on to excellent universities!"
"Oh. Well, we still have plenty of time...right?"
"No! No we don't! Plus there are other things I have to do in addition to just studying!"
"What could you possibly do also?"
Eh...heh...yes, so what should I say? I certainly can't tell him. EVER! Well, not yet, and for a while at least.
"Well, we still have the Order to keep going once we leave, in addition to our normal lives." I'm trying to convince this little voice that it's true because we are keeping the order going to detect and stop dark arts from rising to power again, but it shouldn't take up much of my time.
"Hermione..." he speaks reproachfully
"We do though!"
"After our Hogwarts days are over!"
"Harry, I have to go." I need to leave before I slip up
"What? Why?"
"I'm... tired, goodnight. Say goodnight to Ron when he gets back from the 'library' for me."
"Ah, all right. G'night."
I get up and leave to the stairs to ascent to my room.
Ever since actual classes had started up again, it hasn't been too hard to hide my relationship to Severus. He still treats me (during class) like he always did. He acts as the usual severe, scornful, wicked, and terrifying man we all loved to hate. Brooding over us all when we are trying to correctly make the potion he asked us to create, while answering his nit-picky questions (all of which I remain the only one to know the answers before hand.) and breathing down our necks to intimidate us (secretly, I now get shivers from it, heh) I just have to be careful of not allowing myself to get flustered.
"Mister Potter," He drawls while hissing the 's' in mister, "What exactly do you think you are doing?"
"Pouring in my ounce of ground beetle dust." Harry states defiantly
"I wouldn't do that if I were you."
"Why not."
"Would you please read aloud the 7th line on the board and the step you made before you started adding the dust?"
"6 leaves of Jaugarie stirred in clockwise for 3 stirs, 1 half of a bottle of the Essence of Davari, and 1 sliver of fresh Primrose," Then, a heart-wrenching dawn of realization came across Harry's face while Severus wickedly smirks at his mistake, "Then a dash of beetle juice followed by the ground beetle dust."
"And you missed putting in the juice, didn't you, Potter? You were too arrogant to bother reading the directions fully."
"I wasn't 'arrogant' sir. I just---"
"Made a boo-boo, did we? Ten points from Gryffindor for Potter's overconfidence in Potions."
He really does taunt Harry pretty mercilessly... I still don't understand why he takes his frustration of Harry's father and his friends out on Harry. He still hasn't really done much to deserve this sort of agony... Well, nothing that serious...serious...Sirius...okay so maybe he has some things to be pissed off about, but they weren't always all Harry's fault, they were mine too, and Ron's. Maybe I could talk about that to him too...but then he'll think Harry is weak, and Harry isn't weak. He's been through so much, and I know he still hasn't told Ron and I everything.
I have two men who are hiding from me whether they realize it or not, yet I love them both dearly. I choke on my own thoughts.
Love? Do I love Severus?
A small voice answers me in the back of my mind
Yes. You do love him.
GAH! I'm in love!