Escape
Chapter Three: Admissions

"I don't want to go into this right now."

"I'm not asking you too," Wesley replied mildly, sitting down uninvited, smiling pleasantly at Angel's frown. "In fact, I've not asked a thing. Yet."

"Yet?" Angel repeated. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Wes shrugged, "I just wondered if the move was postponed."

"What move?" Angel asked.

"To Wolfram and Hart," Wesley reminded him. "And for the record, I'd be fully behind you if you decided to postpone it to just after never."

"You signed a contract with them, Wes," Angel stated. "Nobody forced you."

"I'm quite aware of that. But then… The situation changed, Angel. I no longer believe that we have the power to change Wolfram and Hart. There's too much evil in that place. Too many people who enjoy what they do. You can't change people who don't want to be changed."

"I know," he sighed.

"So… I take it we're putting off the move until this whole thing has been sorted out?" Wes asked.

"I guess so," Angel shrugged. "I want to help out Buffy wherever she needs it."

"Yes," Wes agreed. "Giles filled me in on what happened in Sunnydale. He said that when everyone is feeling more like themselves, they will try to find all the Slayers in LA. Then move on. But they want to get to Cleveland, I think. It's a Hellmouth and I suppose they'll want to settle so that Dawn can go to school there. I suppose she told you that people died. Some of the girls, a few who were friends of Dawn. Anya died."

"I know."

"Do you remember her?" Wes asked. "I do. She went to the Prom with Xander. We had a conversation over the dip. Quite a lively young woman," he looked down, quietly sad. He cleared his throat a little and met Angel's eyes. "And Spike died. Saving the world, apparently."

"Yeah," Angel replied gruffly. "Buffy told me."

"Things must have been quite complicated between them," Wes mused. "To have your worst enemy become your closest ally. I really -"

"Wesley," Angel snapped. "What are you trying to say here? What point are you trying to make? 'Cause I'm getting sick of hearing about the end of the world. And how Spike stopped the end of the world. It's old."

Wes nodded. Well, there went the subtle approach. But he wasn't sure if he wanted to go on. Buffy was a sore subject, a subject that could chase Angel halfway around the world to escape the memory. But Wesley never believed Angel had ever gotton away from the memory of Buffy, of their past, of her death. Not that Angel had ever said anything, he opened up far more to Cordelia, he always had. But there had been little hints, tiny gestures, looks that Wesley picked up on. But right now, Angel was far more easy to read.

Wes took a long, deep breath.

"I'm not…" he sighed. "I'm not Cordelia. But I am your friend. I'd like to think you can talk to me. You've been… odd, of late. Even before Cordy… I just hope Buffy's presence doesn't make things worse. Can I… ask you something?"

"Sure," Angel answered hoarsely.

"Do you still love her?" Wesley asked in a soft voice.

Angel's breathing could be heard in the silence of the office. He attempted a smile at Wesley.

"As much as the first time I ever saw her," he confided.

"Hey, Buffy," Willow said, shutting the door behind her. "Why are you hiding away up here? I've got one very good reason to stay in my room, but as you don't have a sexy girlfriend with a kinky little tongue piercing -" Willow stopped at Buffy's expression. "Y'know, I really didn't mean to say all that. Babble-mouth strikes again."

"I'm glad you're happy, Will," Buffy said and tapped the bed beside her. "Sit down."

"Where's Dawnie?" Willow asked, taking up the invitation and seating herself cross-legged opposite Buffy.

"Hanging out with Andrew in the lobby. I think he's trying to prove to Lorne that he can sing."

"Oh. Is that what that noise is?" Willow wrinkled her nose. "You think he's trying to serenade Dawn?"

"Willow, that's a complication I don't even want to consider," Buffy groaned.

"You make it sound like you've got enough complications already," Willow said. "Which, when you think about it, isn't true. You don't have to worry about being the one girl in all the world anymore, you don't need to worry about the Hellmouth and you're stuck here with Angel and that's not good, is it?"

"Ding, ding. You've hit the nail on the head," Buffy said, slumping over and running her hand over her hair.

"So why did you want to come here after everything that happened in Sunnydale?" Willow asked, reaching out to squeeze Buffy's knee.

"Because… Because everyone expected me to have an answer. To know where to go. And I couldn't think of anywhere else… The first thing I thought of… was Angel."

"But that's natural," Willow replied quickly. "After all you meant to each other, after everything you've been through together. He came to Sunnydale to try and help you. He gave you that book with the spell I did in it and that amulet that… Well, it's only natural that you'd think of him. And you, uh, you still care about him, don't you?"

Buffy shot Willow a rueful smile.

"You see right through me," she teased.

Willow chuckled in response, before she grew serious again.

"Things have changed now, Buffy," she pointed out in a low voice. "You've not got the responsibility of being the Slayer anymore. You two could… If you wanted…"

Buffy's eyes widened in horror as she gazed up at her friend. God knows she hadn't thought of it. She had thought of it last night as she entered the office. When she had seen him that night in the office, she had seen herself in him. More than anything, she had wanted to sink into his arms and kiss him. Whisper that everything would be fine and hear him say the same thing. But then she had noted the photograph in his grasp and it brought her shuddering to her senses.

He never fell into the next available relationship that came along as she had done with Riley. But she did love Riley; she just didn't have the same passion Angel had shown her, a passion she had developed a taste for. But she hadn't mourned the end of the relationship; she only cried the once after he left. Just the once. But Angel had been alone for almost four years. She didn't hear anything about a new relationship. He had spent four years without her. And the only conclusion Buffy could draw from that fact was that Angel had moved on from her. But she hadn't moved on from him, not entirely.

"It's not that simple, Willow," Buffy sighed.

"Why not?" Willow asked. "Are you worried about Xander? About how the rest of us will react? Because if you are, you shouldn't be. It's your life and it's not any -"

"It's not that," Buffy interrupted.

"Oh," Willow frowned. "What is it then?"

"I…" she tailed off. She didn't want to tell Willow that she suspected that while Angel still loved her, he didn't want her anymore. She knew that if she said that, Willow would disregard it, make her believe that Angel did want her. And that would mean Buffy would get her heart broken all over again when he said he couldn't go through that again. So she sighed and took a deep breath as she said, "I told Spike I loved him."

"What?" Willow gasped, astonished.

"Before he died, I told Spike I loved him. And I meant it."

Outside her half open door, Angel rammed his nails into his palms in a bid to stop his eyes stinging.