INSERT TITLE HERE
By Seven ½
Chapter 3
Starring: people
Everyone cheered Umaro on as he made the ditzy gesture, then reverted back to doing more useful things, such as grunting and scratching his thickly furred and very infested back. Strago was still passed out on the floor, and was slowly turning very pale. Relm shrieked as she stood in front of the old man. "Someone, help Gramps! I can't pull him myself - eww, my hand's all STICKY now! Gross!" She stretched her arms as faraway from her face as she could as the viscous maple syrup slid down her dainty little girlchild-fingers. Instead, everyone just stood there, pointing and laughing heartily like a piece of cheesecake.
For some reason, Celes was back to normal now, as if nothing had ever happened. It might've been magic, but then again, magic was gone now. Nevermind that. Edgar snickered like a devious little schoolgirl, rubbing his hands together and twirling his long and curly moustache. Realizing that he doesn't even have a moustache, the king tears it off to find that it has been attached to his upper lip by means of spirit gum. It could have only been one person: "SABIN! CURSE YOU! I WANT YOUR MANLY BODY CLOSE TO ME!" he blurted out, which surprised everyone who was standing near him, which was everyone except for Relm and Strago. Umaro was grunting for directions to the bathroom from a guard, who blinked and then shrugged.
"Ha ha, brother! I will crush your very devious and cunning plans of embarassing Celes!" said Sabin, who was hanging on a roof like a ninja. If Shadow was alive, he would've sued him. If you've seen a big, huge burly man with muscles stacked on top of each other like delicious pancakes hanging on a roof, you'd be pretty freaked out. And this is a man who is so grossly muscled that even his nipples have the ability to flex their gigantic biceps with anchor tattoos on them. Even his hair is muscular. He has muscles on top of muscles, which is physically impossible unless he has some sort of very odd cancerous tumor growing on top of them, but that's a whole different story. Not to mention that he has a long and flowing rat-tail that drooped in shame compared to Edgar's pretty hair.
Edgar looked up only to find Sabin's very muscular bottom flat on his face. The muscles on his butt began to savagely beat on his beautiful and handsome face, his left cheek smacking him to the left, the other to the right. Both cheeks moved as a seperate entity, knocking him back and forth until Edgar had twelve back eyes. After this was finished, Sabin's butt cheeks grasped around Edgar's neck like an elephant's trunk and lifting him up as Sabin stood. Everyone else was just gaping in awe, even Cecil, who had ceased to hit on one of the castle guards (who was blushing furiously) and watched silently, all the time thinking about how cute Kain was and how he'd love to squeeze him in some fangirl's yaoi story, but that's a whole different story. Besides, fangirls tend to leave the older games alone because they can't appreciate the 16x16 sprites with only two frames of animation and no standing pose.
But then ... the most horrible thing happened. A very skinny and dainty figure (not Locke's) came bursting in through the door, the sunlight filtering behind her and casting her into a sihouette which was very dramatic. She walked out of the shadows. Now I will spend around a few long paragraphs describing every single detail down to the pores on her skin, which was perfect and white and like porcelin, because I'd really love to have a hammer right about now. Her hair was perfect and straight and somewhat wavy. It was purple and had yellow and black and red and green streaks in it. Her eyes were rainbow and changed colors every 5 seconds if you had a stopwatch. She wore stereotypical punk/kandy raver/goth clothes, which included a black shirt that said 'Rebel' on it. HAHAHA. Her name was Serenity Darkstar, and she was the bastard lovechild of Bahamut and Kefka. Don't ask me. She was also half-esper, had a magic necklace, was in love with Locke, and the key to saving the world, even though it was already saved. She was the foulest creature to exist: The Mary Sue.
"Uhhh!" moaned Cecil. "I'm having menstrual cramps!" Everyone just stared at him for a moment, including the Mary-Sue, and they thought it was silly and wacky because the Paladin was a man. A man in blue dragoon armor, Kain, slid by the Sue and grabbed Cecil by the shoulder. Edgar was slightly jealous because the dragoon had a nicer ponytail than him, but currently he was still wedged in between his brother's buttocks, so he couldn't really do anything. Cecil sniffled as Kain dragged him out of the castle, bribing him with sex and ice cream on the way out. Everyone was confused for a moment. Strago was still passed out, and Relm had gone to get a blanket.
Then Serenity pointed at Sabin, her magical emerald diamond necklace swinging as she did so. "You! Unhand my love!"
Sabin blinked. "Uhh, I thought you liked Locke." All eyes were cast on the treasure-hunter, who then whimpered and moved away. When the Sue first entered, he had been slowly inching away.
"No he's not," scoffed Serenity. "He raped me and was mean to me, so I was like, angsting! I need Edgar to show me true love, even though in real life, rape victims a very uncomfortable and traumatized and wouldn't fall into the arms of a man she just met right after being brutally raped and beaten!"
"Riiiiight ..."
Then, at that very moment, Strago leapt to his feet. He was still covered in syrup and small chunks of ham that was going cold, but he wasn't bloated anymore. In a split second, he grabbed his rod and smacked the Sue over the head with it. Fortunately, Sues are not immune to surprise attacks, so she crumpled onto the floor with a concussion. Everyone cheered. Umaro was in the bathroom, sitting on the toilet while humming a tune and reading the newspaper. A guard who was standing outside was trembling and shuddering.
Sabin just stood there with his brother's head still wedged in between the crack of his butt. After a moment of confusion, he then returned to what he was doing before. He leapt up into the air with unmatched grace and skill, did a flip, then landed on the ground before smacking Edgar to the ground and then standing up. He bowed in a gentlemanly manner, and everyone clapped. Relm hugged her grandfather, who then molested her with his rod, and she merely giggled and remarked about how silly he was. Locke came out of hiding after realizing the Sue was out cold, and Terra held up a '9.9' sign. Umaro wandered out of the hallway, rolled-up newspaper tucked in the crook of his arm and a whole roll of toilet paper trailing off his furry foot and rolling backwards as he moved. Upon seeing the Sue on the floor, Umaro exclaimed very eloquently: "Uuuurrrrarhh! Uuuuuuu, ugh, ooohhrrnrn, ARRGGHHG!" and then smacked her head with the newspaper. Her head then exploded in a shower of blood and grey matter, and all that was left after that was the stump of her neck. Everyone was silent again until Terra held up the sign again.
Just outside the courtyard, a gigantic worm burst out, causing a small earthquake and crushing the guard who had just managed to escape from the wreckage of the airship with only one leg. Interestingly enough, the guard's name was Biggs. Ultros was also blown away while he had been mopping the ground clean of blood, then he sobbed and ran into Chupon's manly arms. Anyway, the worm. It was really, really big and its mouth was round and ringed with teeth. It opened. The whole gang of Returners went outside to see. Then a figure stepped out from the mouth into the daylight, waving a letter in its hand. It was Gogo, who was fashionably late. They all began to laugh for no reason, and Gogo was lowered to the ground and stepped off.
"hay guys whats going on in this castle," asked Gogo.
END OF CHAPTER 3 PLZ REVIEW OR ILL DIE LOLl