INSERT TITLE HERE
By Seven ½
Chapter 4
Starring: people
The sun began to dip down the horizon, completely pissed off because the moon owed it ten dollars. As an act of vengance, it furiously spat out rays of searing hot light that spread out across the lower sky and smacked peoples' eyes until they cried and ran off into the shadows. Meanwhile, the moon was chasing off the sun with a handgun and calling it a "foo'". Then the moon perched itself high up in the dark sky and just sat there. Also, did I mention that it was night now?
Most of the Returners had set up sleeping bags of various sizes and patterns (although Strago was somewhere in the hospital wing), except for Edgar, who was in his big fancy bedroom, curled up in a fetal position in his bed, sucking his thumb while cuddling a teddy bear and wiggling his toes in his polka-dotted feetie pajamas. Since I'm too clumsy and unarticulate to describe the layout, I'll make a crude ASCII picture.
| Locke | | Terra | |Sabin| |Celes||Mog| |Umaro| |Relm| |Gau| |Setzer|
|Gogo|
Anyway, they were all asleep. For some reason, Mog was being a complete pervert, and slept snuggled up underneath Celes' pendulous breasts, emitting a 'kupo' every now and then. Umaro snorted and grunted, occasionally scratching his furry bottom and twitching. Sabin shouted out, "Z!" with incredible volume in between each breath. Besides all that, it was very quiet, and not even a mentally deficient, three-legged mouse clumsily stumbled around.
Suddenly, Gogo shot up from its multicolored sleeping bag, though thankfully it didn't shoot itself up into the ceiling, because ceilings are solid and bashing your body parts against solid objects hurts a lot because the atoms in your body are crushed together and have nowhere to go, which also hurts. Anyway, back to the mime. Gogo then pushed the cover off, and walked over towards Setzer and his snazzy black 'bag that was decorated with little stitched-on dice and coins.
"Setzer! Seeeetzer! Wake up!" said Gogo in a hurried voice, shaking the gambler awake. He rose up like a zombie, grunting and wiping the mucus that encrusted on the corners of his eyes.
"What do you want?"
"I had a COOL dream!" squealed the mime. It bounced up and down excitedly.
"Do you really think that I'd be inte -"
"YOU WILL LISTEN AND YOU WILL LIKE IT, THUS THE FIRES OF HELL REACH UP AND LICK AT YOUR FEET, BURNING THEM AWAY LIKE DELICIOUS CHICKEN ON A BARBEQUE!" roared Gogo with sudden malice. There was evil laughter and the sound of flames in the background. Soon, though, the serene atmosphere of the castle returned, and nobody woke up, even Sabin, who had shouted various letters of the alphabet all throughout the conversation. Setzer surrendered, and Gogo went on.
"Anyway," it continued, "I had a cool dream. You, Terra, Locke, and Celes were all standing around in the middle of nowhere, and it was dark. Then, suddenly, there was an earthquake and you all passed out, and when you woke up, you were sealed in a bunch of tubes right where you were standing, and then you were gone, but then suddenly your airship swooped in and rescued everyone, and then you went up to Kefka's tower, which was floating and made of brick for some reason and then when you got inside, this puppy came out and attacked you every two seconds, and no matter how many times you killed it, it came back and then I woke up and then I came and told you about the cool dream that I had about how you, Terra, Locke, and -"
"You're going around in circles."
"Whoops. I got carried away." Then it sobbed. "It was the RUN-ON sentences! It was THEIR fault!" After that, it got up and walked back to its sleeping bag and passed out on the rug in a puddle of its own vomit and urine.
The rest of the night was pretty much boring. Sabin kept rolling around and grunting, with an occasional moan, but that stopped when Gau stuffed a pillow in his mouth, then continued to dream about meat. However, Locke suddenly woke up, took off his shirt, then felt around his smooth man-chest. Where his nipples used to be, there were now only two empty pits with some wrinkly stuff and blood in them. He then shrieked wildly, "MY NIPPLES ARE GONE!!!"
With that, the lights flickered on and everyone woke up, then came rushing to Locke's side and tried to decipher his hysterical screaming. It wasn't too much better when Gogo kept mimicking it, and soon the commotion woke up Edgar in the other room, and he came lumbering in with his feetie pajamas still on, rubbing his eyes and feeling at his stubbly six o' clock shadow. Locke leapt up and shouted, "I MUST LOOK FOR THEM! YOU! LOOK! WE MUCH SEARCH!" He sobbed, then Celes and Terra comforted him and offered to borrow their nipples for a day, but Locke refused and said that he only wanted his own and also that Setzer was sexy.
And so the group went through the whole castle, looking for the elusive mammary glands, but found no evidence for a few hours. They were all startled, grumpy, and very tired from being woken up in the middle of the night, but these were Locke's nipples we were talking about here. They were more important than dumb ol' sleep. The Returners snooped under fireplaces, searched between shelves, behind various furniture, under potted plants, and under rugs, but couldn't find any evidence.
Meanwhile, Gogo and Umaro were searching down one of the many hallways when suddenly Umaro stopped and grunted. "Uurrrrarragh! Uuuuuu, uauruarrrrrrrrhhhhhhharrrn!" The sasquatch lifted up his foot to see the bottom of it, which was very ape-like and had some blood smeared into it.
The mime now had a lightbulb over its head, which nearly blinded Umaro. "Sorry," it said. But it kneeled down and peered steadily at the blood. It then shouted, "Aha!", which startled the yeti even more. "This must be what one of the nipples left behind after it tore itself from the treasure-hunter's body!" It then looked down the hallway and, indeed, found a thin, piddly trail of blood that led into Edgar's chambers. The two followed it.
The main group was still looking around, and they, too, found a blood trail, thanks to Gau, who kept shouting about meat and how delicious it was. They had to restrain him to stop him from licking it all off of the stone surface, and then followed it. Suddenly, Setzer saw something pinkish zoom by, as did Celes. She screeched, thinking that it was a streaking rat of some sort. "SOMEONE GET IT!" she shouted, then tried looking for her sword so she could smack it, but she left it somewhere else. Well, that didn't work.
With lightning-quick reflex, Setzer turned around and stamped on the object with his fancy black boot. It made a resounding sickening sqqqqquiiccck noise, and it fell limp. He looked down and saw that he had stepped on one of Locke's nipples. He didn't care. "Damn nipple," was all that he said.
Locke was furious. "YOU CRUSHED IT! I HATE YOU!" He cried, and then he knelt down and picked up the nipple gently, with various sniffling and sobbing noises emitting from his mouth. Setzer remarked how he should be the one yelling, as his boot was now ruined by nipple blood, and so walked off to the nearby merchants to get it fixed. Locke then shoved the nipple onto his chest, and it fit perfectly. However, there was something odd about the nipple: It was wearing a little uniform. Then the group went off to find the other one.
Umaro and Gogo ran into Edgar's room, and the closer they got, the more noise there was. There seemed to be a crowd of some sort inside. The door was also locked and closed. The mime put the side of its head to the wall, despite the mask over its head that muffled its hearing. It could hear talking of very high-pitched voices. It looked to Umaro. "There's something going on. Punch the door in or something."
The yeti nodded, grunted, then scratched his furry butt for a moment. After that, he drooled and stared blankly until Gogo smacked him in the arm. Then he grunted and said, "Umaro only take order from Mog." Gogo smacked itself, then continued listening.
Conveniently, Mog waddled up to Umaro, smacked him around, and said, "Punch the door open, kupo!" The yeti obeyed, thrust his fist into the wooden surface, and the door came tumbling down. It fell over and landed on something soft, which caused many sickening sqqqqquiiiiiiiill noises to sound out. The three blinked, then marched in on top, which crushed whatever was under there more. They were surprised by the scene that they saw:
The floor of Edgar's room was lined with rows and rows of nipples of various colors, shapes, and sizes, all in little uniforms and helmets with little horn things on the sides. Standing on top of a stool and a pile of books was a very large nipple that wore a general's outfit and had a small, squarish black moustache. It shouted out orders to the minions, who then flipped about, jumped, and marched around in unison. Gogo, Umaro, and Mog were interrupting Imperial Nipple training! So the Empire was NOT dead! What would they do? All the nipples turned around and faced them as they burst in and crushed their comrades. They all made soprano squealing noises. The head nipple shouted, "STOP!!" and all the soldiers went quiet. There was an awkward silence for a while.
Then Locke came bursting in, as he had separated from the rest of the group and had heard the commotion. His eyes widened at all the mammary glands that stood there, and he shoved his way in front of the three who stood there dopily. He was shirtless, and the nipple that was latched onto his chest broke free and joined the ranks of the other troops. The head nipple shouted another order: "AWM YOUWSEWVES!" it said in a high-pitched voice. All the nipples drew out tiny guns. Descending from the roofs were nipples in tiny MagiTek armor.
"Holy crap," was all that Locke said.
END OF CHAPTER 4!!1111 WILL THE RETURNERS CRUSH THE NIPPLE ARMY? OR WILL THEY DIE? I DON'T REALLY CARE BECAUSE OMG MY HANDS HURT AND R R PLZ LOL!!!!