Ava Cabot
Don't Look At Me
A Law and Order: SVU fic
Disclaimer: I will own Olivia and Elliot someday. Really.
I'm your mind giving you,
Someone to talk to.
If I smile and don't believe,
Soon I know I'll wake up from this dream,
Don't try to fix me,
I'm not broken.
I'm the lie living for you,
So you can hide,
Don't cry.
Evanescence: Hello
They named me Kate after the character in Taming of the Shrew. Almost all the officers assigned to keep me safe and my mouth shut hated me. I was disrespectful and obnoxious at times, taking out my rage on them, for not being to return home. They knew I was a powerful ADA, and wanted serious revenge on my attempted killer.
But then again, they knew I couldn't do anything to get out of the program until Cesar Valez was found.
I didn't expect to ever return to New York. I didn't expect any of the SVU squad to wait around for me, either.
Well, except maybe for John. Seeing his cynical smile again would be nice.
I spent many nights blaming Valez, Cragen, and even myself for being stuck in the Witness Protection program. In the small apartment they put me up in, I often cried myself to sleep. I kept a picture of all the SVU detectives by my bed; one of the only keepsakes I was allowed to keep of my old life, as Alex Cabot.
I had been Kate Rogers for so long, that when my fateful call came, I nearly fell out of my chair, when the caller addressed me as Alexandra Cabot. I hadn't been called ADA Cabot for so long, that the name was almost foreign to me.
I had almost forgotten who I was.
"Alexandra Cabot, you are hereby recalled by the Federal Witness Protection Program to New York City. You are no longer in immediate danger from Cesar Valez, who has been apprehended and is currently in the custody of the Special Victims Unit. Please contact your protection officer immediately. You are free to go."
I felt like a prisoner released from Rikers or Bellevue. The light at the end of my long, deranged two-year tunnel has been sighted.
But what would happen when I returned?
Could I pick up the pieces of where I left off? Was my ADA position filled? I had heard rumors that Casey Novak had been gaining ground around the courtroom and was looking for an ADA position. For all I know, she could be sitting in my office when I came back. I didn't want that to happen.
Change was never something I was overly fond of. Whenever something changed, there always seemed to be a negative edge to it.
My parents were the reason I hated changes. They were also the reason I vowed never get married, never less fall in love. Their marriage was a rocky one, and I remember hiding in my bed as a child, crying, and wishing all their fights would go away.
Mother left when I was fifteen. It tore my father's psyche up terribly, and I don't believe he ever recovered. The woman he remarried was so unlike my mother that I think he married my stepmother out of spite. She was small, meek, and never said a word without permission. Mother was tall, somewhat obnoxious, and often questioned my father without his consent. Their marriage made me hate the idea of holy matrimony. I swore to myself I would never marry.
True love was another thing I never believed in until I met John. I was raised to be a realist and not a dreamer. My parents told me that wishing was a waste of time. What you were given in life was what you had to work with. There were no shortcuts or advantages one could take. True love was something that wasn't calculated into my precious life plan, made at age fifteen. I was determined to be one of New York's finest lawyers, and eventually work my way up to becoming a District Attorney. I was almost there too, with my position of Assistant District Attorney secured for a number of years.
John had been married multiple times, all to beautiful, albeit spoiled women. They were more like girls, with their amounts of dizzying wealth and selfish antics. Marriages with John were doomed to never last long. He was a melancholic, with a certain acerbic wit and charm that drove all women on the planet away from him.
With the exception of me, of course.
My first case with SVU was a good start. It didn't take as long as I had expected for the detectives and their captain to trust me. The revolving set of ADAs had thrown them all off course, but with me in position; the bureau could begin a mainstream course to success.
I suppose that despite my rigid upbringing, I still retained slightly girlish dreams that I secretly hoped to accomplish. I wanted to have a small but lavish wedding and marry a successful man, one who was my intellectual equal. I wouldn't marry below my own cleverness. To do so was almost idiotic.
I regretted never truly telling John how I felt. We dated often, but never moved into any so serious that marriage was an issue. Keeping our relationship a secret was key.
I bonded over many drinks with Olivia during those long years. Both of us were women hiding our romantic relationships. Both of us couldn't risk our jobs. We were foolish enough to be involved with men that we worked with on a daily basis. She had Elliot, the strong, handsome detective wrapped with her in a sort of twisted love affair. I had John, whose scathing charisma never ceased to fascinate me.
The last time I had seen Olivia was one month after her trial with the Morris Commission. She wasn't even showing, with that belly of hers set to grow and grow for the next nine months.
She asked me about John one night. It was late and we should have left already. The question, as she later told me, had been filed at the back of her mind for some time. Ever since I had been appointed as the ADA for their department, the sense of a permanent attorney dedicated to sex crimes all day frazzled everyone. I wasn't one of their revolving lawyers---I was there to stay.
For the longest time, I had been taught never to be so un-assuming about the world. Nothing would ever be handed to me on a silver platter. There is no such thing as a free lunch. You have to work your ass off just to get fairly far in the world. All pieces of advice I listened to until recently.
It was as if I didn't know who I was anymore. I had been Kate Rogers for so long, that my sense of identity as Alex Cabot was almost gone. I was a legal secretary, placed at the bottom of the food chain of justice. I don't even know if I remember how to be an ADA anymore. I felt like my life in New York was a long lost memory. Riding a dusty bicycle hidden in the garage for two years, uneasy and full of distrust.
I wasn't sure whom I had on my side anymore. I didn't know whether SVU had just forgotten about me, and I would be an unwelcome surprise back. Maybe they had already found a permanent ADA who wouldn't put them in danger. No one would have to look after them. Everything could move on with their lives and forget I even existed.
Inside my briefcase, the only reminders of who I once was sat a picture of all four detectives and a fairly irate Cragen. Olivia and Elliot, in a moment of rare goofiness, had shoved me into John's arms, where he awkwardly caught me and smiled slyly. Fin stood in the background, scratching his chin suavely and looking at Cragen out of the corner of his eye. Cragen held his hand over his face, blocking out the lightning-bright flash bulb.
My heart began to twist. I had mixed feelings about my splashy, shocking homecoming visit back to New York. My first appearance would be in court, where the prosecuting ADA would call me in as the star witness against Cesar Valez. I would both meet my replacement and shock the shit out of the SVU detectives.
Smiling slightly, I couldn't think of any other way I'd want it.
Trial part 25
Tuesday, May 11
8:00 a.m.
"Mr. Valez, do you remember a woman named Alexandra Cabot?"
Upon arriving to the courtroom, I hadn't expected to meet Casey Novak there. She was a fairly well known attorney in the homicide area, her loss ratio balanced with her win average. Tall, red-haired, and a softball fanatic, she was one of the last people I would have suspected to replace me. She was just as surprised, as she later told me, to be appointed to SVU.
She also didn't believe I had ever died, also.
Casey was a good woman, but I still longed to see the old, familiar faces of my friends. According to her, the department was functioning fairly well, but lacked the former at-ease between ADA and detective that had been there with me in place. She admitted how she, Olivia and Elliot remained on tense terms with each other.
From inside my special "holding room", I could hear the collective gasp of the courtroom. I could hear Olivia, Elliot, Fin, and especially John. This trial was more than high-priority to them.
Valez coughed on the stand. "N-No. Who is she?"
A wicked grin spread across my face. He still thought I was dead. He would dead soon too, after being convicted of perjury for that statement.
Casey's heels stopped clicking on the floor. "Mr. Valez, do you realize that your statement is blatant perjury?"
"Objection, Your Honor!"
"Counsel approach." I winced after hearing the voice of Judge Petrovsky. I wondered if she had personally requested my case, after nursing a vendetta against me ever since an illegal search I made.
There were murmurs across the courtroom. I could hear Olivia whispering angrily to Elliot. I knew John was glaring at Valez. There were just some connections to him that couldn't be broken with time.
Petrovsky slammed her gavel down, knocking me out painfully from my brief reverie.
"I find the defendant guilty of perjury." Her face was full of pure venom, directed at the defense attorney. He was pale and shaky, clearly knowing that his case was completely lost. "Escort Mr. Valez out, now."
Casey was apparently satisfied. Valez began cursing heavily in Spanish, as the court officers seized both his hands, cuffing them.
"Next witness, Ms. Novak." Immediately her tone had switched from angry to interested. She knew I was coming in.
Casey's footsteps echoed towards the back of the room, past the jury and court witnesses. I stood outside, my entire body charged with adrenaline.
"The People call Alexandra Cabot to the stand."
The doors swung open, and the dim court lighting became visible. The room was silent as I walked in, a dead woman among the living. A strangled cry escaped from Olivia's throat.
"You bitch!"
Valez began swinging at the officers as he left the courtroom. "You're supposed to be dead! Dead!"
Petrovsky swung her gavel down. "Order! Order!"
The swinging exit doors swung shut, as Petrovsky straightened her robes quietly. "Court is in recess for five minutes. Ms. Novak, you will have Ms. Cabot take the stand after this recess. Adjourned."
"Alex!"
Olivia and John stumbled over the recessing witnesses, throwing themselves on me with fury. Gasping for breath, I awkwardly patted both of them. "It's good to see you guys," I croaked. "But I can't breathe."
John stepped back, disbelief written all over his face. "But how? They told me you were dead---even though it screamed conspiracy---"
"I begged them to let me see Olivia and Elliot, John, and they were sworn not to tell."
He stopped. "You asked to see Olivia and Elliot?"
"There was nothing I could do---please, John, you have to understand."
His eyes narrowed behind the darkened frames. "I knew this thing screamed conspiracy." He turned on his heel, walking briskly towards the courtroom doors. He flung them open, casting one final angry stare at me.
"John, you don't understand---"
"All rise for the Honorable---"
"John, wait!"
"Court is in session. Ms. Novak, call your witness."
Casey hesitantly grabbed my arm, pulling me away from Olivia and towards the witness stand. "Come on, Alex," she said softly.
"State your name, please," droned a court official.
Fresh tears began to pour down my cheeks. "Alexandra Cabot."
You'd think I would be happy to be Alex Cabot again. But seeing John's hurtful gaze made it worth absolutely nothing.
Special Victims Unit
Wednesday, May 12
1:00 a.m.
Olivia handed me a steaming cup of coffee, watching Elliot bounce Jonathon off his knee, cracking tiny laughs from the sleepy child. His eyes, brown and shadowy, looked at me between bounces. He called me Ex, unable to pronounce my name properly. It would due until the little guy could talk properly. It could be worse.
He called John 'Unchie'.
Thinking about John brought tears to my eyes. After the court had been dismissed for the day, no one had heard from him. Cragen checked his home, and it was empty, completely devoid of his presence. There hadn't been any contact between him and all of us for almost seventeen hours. Where he could have been was beyond us.
"No word yet?" I asked Olivia.
She shook her head, taking Jonathon from Elliot. "Sorry, Alex. Cragen and Fin are out there right now. Casey's outside in case he comes here." She paused. "He just needs to blow off some steam," she added. "It was probably a big shock seeing you back today."
"Maybe his old heart couldn't take it," joked Elliot.
Olivia frowned. "Come on, El."
He glanced at me. "Sorry, Alex. You know we're just as worried about him as you are."
"Are you in love with him?"
He cocked an eyebrow. "Love, huh?"
"Yeah," I replied defensively. "He may be old, melancholic, and miserly, but he's my old, melancholic, and miserly man."
"I knew you two dated, but were you serious?"
I shrugged. "I never got to tell him how I really felt. For all he knew, our relationship was just some fling." I spat the last word out, bitterness edging on my weary voice.
"He's okay, Alex. Just don't worry," said Olivia quietly, cradling Jonathon in the crook of her arm. "Why don't you go outside and ask Casey if she wants some coffee."
I stopped. "What do you guys think of her?"
Elliot and Olivia glanced at each other. "She's a good ADA. Wins a good amount of cases, and doesn't cut too many deals," answered Elliot.
"Is she better than me?"
"Alex, that's your sense of fatigued vanity talking."
"Is she?"
"You two are both---"
I set my mug down. "I'll go see if she wants some coffee."
I walked through the familiar swinging doors quickly, throwing my long coat through my numb arms. I couldn't feel anything with this guilt hanging over my body. I felt responsible for John taking off during the trial, and him MIA. I couldn't get over this jealously towards Casey. I didn't know if she had truly taken my place or not. The way she interacted with Olivia and Elliot, though, was shaky. I could tell that her start hadn't been smooth.
I came back to New York thinking my life would go back to normal. That I would shed the identity of Kate Rogers and become Alex Cabot, superpower ADA again. That everything would just pick up where I left off.
I was selfish in that idea, thinking that the world revolved around my life. But years in the Witness Protection Program just made me cling to my beliefs even more. I would resume my life. I just had to.
A soft May shower poured outside, dampening my hair slightly. Casey stood alone underneath a brick awning, watching endless raindrops splatter on the black concrete sidewalk.
"My turn to stand guard duty," I said, forcing myself to smile. "Olivia wants to know if you want some coffee, too."
She shook her head. "I'm fine. Standing out here is...sort of peaceful, you know?"
I shrugged. "I used to stare at the rain for a long time too. But then I realized that it still doesn't help you sleep at night."
She looked at me. "The nightmares...they get worse with each case. How did you manage for so long?"
"You just have to numb yourself after awhile. Eventually, nothing can penetrate your skin anymore." I held out my hand, catching a few stray droplets on my palm. "Soon, you can't feel anything."
"You're quite the philosoph, aren't you?"
"What I've seen in my life hasn't been pleasant. Believe me."
Casey nodded, briefly looking down the street. Empty streetlights and deserted cars were all that met her gaze.
"The detectives didn't tell you what happened a few months ago, did they?"
"No, they didn't tell me. Remember, I just got back to New York. I haven't had time for much of anything, never less a gossip gab with Olivia."
"I was raped, Alex."
I blinked awkwardly, her words failing to seep into my skin. "Oh."
"Is that all you can say?"
"Casey, I---"
"You were never forgotten, Alex." Her eyes flashed dangerously at me. "These detectives could never let go of your memory. John kept a picture of you at his desk the entire two years. Olivia and Elliot treated me like dirt for the first few cases. No one wanted to accept me, because they all clung to the belief that you weren't dead. That you would come back someday, and I would just disappear."
"I—"
"Let me finish. Things have finally come around, and I've finally been accepted. I guess the fact that I was raped made them realize that even their new ADA can be a victim."
"When did it happen?"
She tugged at the bottom of her dark blouse, revealing a patch of pale skin, a fading tattoo shining in the dark streetlight. "He branded me, Alex, and I'm never going to forget it, even when the mark fades. It's just like the impact you made here in SVU. I can take your job, work in your office, win and lose your cases, but your presence is never going to leave. You could have died, and I'm sure every detective would still have expected you to rise from your grave, and return.
"They would never forget you. To do so would betray the memory of everything you did for this God-forsaken department. I know they don't sleep at night anymore, and I'm haunted by their nightmares too. We're all haunted. It's what SVU has that no other department can bond over. We have the live victims. We see their faces, battered and bruised until you can't distinguish a gender. We carry their bodies as a burden that won't fade over time."
"All this for me?" I said, stepping towards her.
She stared at me, almost defiantly. "They didn't stop waiting for you to come back."
"I know."
She smiled faintly. "Good."
"All this talking is boring." Out of the corner of my eye, I watched a tall figure emerge from the shadows. John's eyes sparkled slightly from behind his darkened glasses. "Alex, I'm sorry."
From the way he nearly knocked me down, I figured he was glad to see me. His arms were tight around my waist, and for the first time in my life, I could hear him crying. John Munch was crying.
"I'll go inside and see how Olivia's holding up with the baby." Casey disappeared back into the stationhouse, winking at me before leaving.
"You don't know how much I missed you," he murmured, holding my face cupped in his hands. From the way his eyes bore into mine, I knew he was memorizing every part of my face. Just in case.
He never wanted to forget, either.
"Don't look at me like that," I said quietly, his fingers twining with mine.
"Like how?"
"Like I'm a ghost returning from the underworld. Like I'm a victim you need to pity." I touched his cheek. "I was never dead. You don't need to see me as a vic. I'm not one."
He held me away, grasping my shoulders tightly. "You are a victim, Alex. Everyone here is. Casey is one of rape. Elliot is burdened as a struggling new father. Olivia is the child of a rape. Fin has his demons to face, and I'm a broken old man."
"I'm not a victim," I repeated stubbornly.
"You are. Valez is going to rot in jail for his actions, but you need to come to peace with what happened."
"The Program stole two years of my life. Two years I could have been here. With you."
"Which is why I don't just see you as a victim. You and I are both victims. You aren't alone, Alex."
"But I---"
"You're here, and that is what's important. Everything can fall back into place again, if you accept what happened."
"You act as if I were raped or beaten to a bloody pulp."
"Emotionally, you were scarred but what happened years ago. But let those scars heal."
I wiped my eyes wearily. "Since when did you become a shrink? I thought that was Huang's job."
He gazed at me sincerely. "Since the moment you came back, every bone in my body was on fire. Every hair stood up on end. I thought I was seeing a ghost, but then I realized you were alive and well."
"Aren't you the charming romantic," I responded fairly dryly.
He embraced me tightly. "Let's go inside, Alex."
"Okay."
Genuine happiness dotted his lined face. He led me inside, and I could hear the happy shouts when they saw John's face appear in the bullpen. Everything was coming back to me. Olivia's smile, Elliot's charm, Fin's die- hard toughness, and Cragen's mysterious soft side.
The healing process for John and I could take many years. But I was home again, and that was all that mattered most.
Looking back at the vapid night rain, I realized that the shrink had been wrong, all those years ago.
John would find true love.
And I would come to accept change.
A/N: No, no, this isn't technically the last part of the fic. There will be an epilogue/Chapter 10 up remotely soon. But it's been a fairly long haul (about two months) and I'm honored, flattered, and more than happy to keep writing. All the feedback helps me be a better writer. Thanks especially to the svufiction forums, who kept my muse going and the support up. Power to the SVU canon crusaders. Duck, you're my hero and a smut goddess. Thanks for everything, and look for more Law and Order: SVU fiction soon.
Thanks again, Ava Cabot
Don't Look At Me
A Law and Order: SVU fic
Disclaimer: I will own Olivia and Elliot someday. Really.
I'm your mind giving you,
Someone to talk to.
If I smile and don't believe,
Soon I know I'll wake up from this dream,
Don't try to fix me,
I'm not broken.
I'm the lie living for you,
So you can hide,
Don't cry.
Evanescence: Hello
They named me Kate after the character in Taming of the Shrew. Almost all the officers assigned to keep me safe and my mouth shut hated me. I was disrespectful and obnoxious at times, taking out my rage on them, for not being to return home. They knew I was a powerful ADA, and wanted serious revenge on my attempted killer.
But then again, they knew I couldn't do anything to get out of the program until Cesar Valez was found.
I didn't expect to ever return to New York. I didn't expect any of the SVU squad to wait around for me, either.
Well, except maybe for John. Seeing his cynical smile again would be nice.
I spent many nights blaming Valez, Cragen, and even myself for being stuck in the Witness Protection program. In the small apartment they put me up in, I often cried myself to sleep. I kept a picture of all the SVU detectives by my bed; one of the only keepsakes I was allowed to keep of my old life, as Alex Cabot.
I had been Kate Rogers for so long, that when my fateful call came, I nearly fell out of my chair, when the caller addressed me as Alexandra Cabot. I hadn't been called ADA Cabot for so long, that the name was almost foreign to me.
I had almost forgotten who I was.
"Alexandra Cabot, you are hereby recalled by the Federal Witness Protection Program to New York City. You are no longer in immediate danger from Cesar Valez, who has been apprehended and is currently in the custody of the Special Victims Unit. Please contact your protection officer immediately. You are free to go."
I felt like a prisoner released from Rikers or Bellevue. The light at the end of my long, deranged two-year tunnel has been sighted.
But what would happen when I returned?
Could I pick up the pieces of where I left off? Was my ADA position filled? I had heard rumors that Casey Novak had been gaining ground around the courtroom and was looking for an ADA position. For all I know, she could be sitting in my office when I came back. I didn't want that to happen.
Change was never something I was overly fond of. Whenever something changed, there always seemed to be a negative edge to it.
My parents were the reason I hated changes. They were also the reason I vowed never get married, never less fall in love. Their marriage was a rocky one, and I remember hiding in my bed as a child, crying, and wishing all their fights would go away.
Mother left when I was fifteen. It tore my father's psyche up terribly, and I don't believe he ever recovered. The woman he remarried was so unlike my mother that I think he married my stepmother out of spite. She was small, meek, and never said a word without permission. Mother was tall, somewhat obnoxious, and often questioned my father without his consent. Their marriage made me hate the idea of holy matrimony. I swore to myself I would never marry.
True love was another thing I never believed in until I met John. I was raised to be a realist and not a dreamer. My parents told me that wishing was a waste of time. What you were given in life was what you had to work with. There were no shortcuts or advantages one could take. True love was something that wasn't calculated into my precious life plan, made at age fifteen. I was determined to be one of New York's finest lawyers, and eventually work my way up to becoming a District Attorney. I was almost there too, with my position of Assistant District Attorney secured for a number of years.
John had been married multiple times, all to beautiful, albeit spoiled women. They were more like girls, with their amounts of dizzying wealth and selfish antics. Marriages with John were doomed to never last long. He was a melancholic, with a certain acerbic wit and charm that drove all women on the planet away from him.
With the exception of me, of course.
My first case with SVU was a good start. It didn't take as long as I had expected for the detectives and their captain to trust me. The revolving set of ADAs had thrown them all off course, but with me in position; the bureau could begin a mainstream course to success.
I suppose that despite my rigid upbringing, I still retained slightly girlish dreams that I secretly hoped to accomplish. I wanted to have a small but lavish wedding and marry a successful man, one who was my intellectual equal. I wouldn't marry below my own cleverness. To do so was almost idiotic.
I regretted never truly telling John how I felt. We dated often, but never moved into any so serious that marriage was an issue. Keeping our relationship a secret was key.
I bonded over many drinks with Olivia during those long years. Both of us were women hiding our romantic relationships. Both of us couldn't risk our jobs. We were foolish enough to be involved with men that we worked with on a daily basis. She had Elliot, the strong, handsome detective wrapped with her in a sort of twisted love affair. I had John, whose scathing charisma never ceased to fascinate me.
The last time I had seen Olivia was one month after her trial with the Morris Commission. She wasn't even showing, with that belly of hers set to grow and grow for the next nine months.
She asked me about John one night. It was late and we should have left already. The question, as she later told me, had been filed at the back of her mind for some time. Ever since I had been appointed as the ADA for their department, the sense of a permanent attorney dedicated to sex crimes all day frazzled everyone. I wasn't one of their revolving lawyers---I was there to stay.
For the longest time, I had been taught never to be so un-assuming about the world. Nothing would ever be handed to me on a silver platter. There is no such thing as a free lunch. You have to work your ass off just to get fairly far in the world. All pieces of advice I listened to until recently.
It was as if I didn't know who I was anymore. I had been Kate Rogers for so long, that my sense of identity as Alex Cabot was almost gone. I was a legal secretary, placed at the bottom of the food chain of justice. I don't even know if I remember how to be an ADA anymore. I felt like my life in New York was a long lost memory. Riding a dusty bicycle hidden in the garage for two years, uneasy and full of distrust.
I wasn't sure whom I had on my side anymore. I didn't know whether SVU had just forgotten about me, and I would be an unwelcome surprise back. Maybe they had already found a permanent ADA who wouldn't put them in danger. No one would have to look after them. Everything could move on with their lives and forget I even existed.
Inside my briefcase, the only reminders of who I once was sat a picture of all four detectives and a fairly irate Cragen. Olivia and Elliot, in a moment of rare goofiness, had shoved me into John's arms, where he awkwardly caught me and smiled slyly. Fin stood in the background, scratching his chin suavely and looking at Cragen out of the corner of his eye. Cragen held his hand over his face, blocking out the lightning-bright flash bulb.
My heart began to twist. I had mixed feelings about my splashy, shocking homecoming visit back to New York. My first appearance would be in court, where the prosecuting ADA would call me in as the star witness against Cesar Valez. I would both meet my replacement and shock the shit out of the SVU detectives.
Smiling slightly, I couldn't think of any other way I'd want it.
Trial part 25
Tuesday, May 11
8:00 a.m.
"Mr. Valez, do you remember a woman named Alexandra Cabot?"
Upon arriving to the courtroom, I hadn't expected to meet Casey Novak there. She was a fairly well known attorney in the homicide area, her loss ratio balanced with her win average. Tall, red-haired, and a softball fanatic, she was one of the last people I would have suspected to replace me. She was just as surprised, as she later told me, to be appointed to SVU.
She also didn't believe I had ever died, also.
Casey was a good woman, but I still longed to see the old, familiar faces of my friends. According to her, the department was functioning fairly well, but lacked the former at-ease between ADA and detective that had been there with me in place. She admitted how she, Olivia and Elliot remained on tense terms with each other.
From inside my special "holding room", I could hear the collective gasp of the courtroom. I could hear Olivia, Elliot, Fin, and especially John. This trial was more than high-priority to them.
Valez coughed on the stand. "N-No. Who is she?"
A wicked grin spread across my face. He still thought I was dead. He would dead soon too, after being convicted of perjury for that statement.
Casey's heels stopped clicking on the floor. "Mr. Valez, do you realize that your statement is blatant perjury?"
"Objection, Your Honor!"
"Counsel approach." I winced after hearing the voice of Judge Petrovsky. I wondered if she had personally requested my case, after nursing a vendetta against me ever since an illegal search I made.
There were murmurs across the courtroom. I could hear Olivia whispering angrily to Elliot. I knew John was glaring at Valez. There were just some connections to him that couldn't be broken with time.
Petrovsky slammed her gavel down, knocking me out painfully from my brief reverie.
"I find the defendant guilty of perjury." Her face was full of pure venom, directed at the defense attorney. He was pale and shaky, clearly knowing that his case was completely lost. "Escort Mr. Valez out, now."
Casey was apparently satisfied. Valez began cursing heavily in Spanish, as the court officers seized both his hands, cuffing them.
"Next witness, Ms. Novak." Immediately her tone had switched from angry to interested. She knew I was coming in.
Casey's footsteps echoed towards the back of the room, past the jury and court witnesses. I stood outside, my entire body charged with adrenaline.
"The People call Alexandra Cabot to the stand."
The doors swung open, and the dim court lighting became visible. The room was silent as I walked in, a dead woman among the living. A strangled cry escaped from Olivia's throat.
"You bitch!"
Valez began swinging at the officers as he left the courtroom. "You're supposed to be dead! Dead!"
Petrovsky swung her gavel down. "Order! Order!"
The swinging exit doors swung shut, as Petrovsky straightened her robes quietly. "Court is in recess for five minutes. Ms. Novak, you will have Ms. Cabot take the stand after this recess. Adjourned."
"Alex!"
Olivia and John stumbled over the recessing witnesses, throwing themselves on me with fury. Gasping for breath, I awkwardly patted both of them. "It's good to see you guys," I croaked. "But I can't breathe."
John stepped back, disbelief written all over his face. "But how? They told me you were dead---even though it screamed conspiracy---"
"I begged them to let me see Olivia and Elliot, John, and they were sworn not to tell."
He stopped. "You asked to see Olivia and Elliot?"
"There was nothing I could do---please, John, you have to understand."
His eyes narrowed behind the darkened frames. "I knew this thing screamed conspiracy." He turned on his heel, walking briskly towards the courtroom doors. He flung them open, casting one final angry stare at me.
"John, you don't understand---"
"All rise for the Honorable---"
"John, wait!"
"Court is in session. Ms. Novak, call your witness."
Casey hesitantly grabbed my arm, pulling me away from Olivia and towards the witness stand. "Come on, Alex," she said softly.
"State your name, please," droned a court official.
Fresh tears began to pour down my cheeks. "Alexandra Cabot."
You'd think I would be happy to be Alex Cabot again. But seeing John's hurtful gaze made it worth absolutely nothing.
Special Victims Unit
Wednesday, May 12
1:00 a.m.
Olivia handed me a steaming cup of coffee, watching Elliot bounce Jonathon off his knee, cracking tiny laughs from the sleepy child. His eyes, brown and shadowy, looked at me between bounces. He called me Ex, unable to pronounce my name properly. It would due until the little guy could talk properly. It could be worse.
He called John 'Unchie'.
Thinking about John brought tears to my eyes. After the court had been dismissed for the day, no one had heard from him. Cragen checked his home, and it was empty, completely devoid of his presence. There hadn't been any contact between him and all of us for almost seventeen hours. Where he could have been was beyond us.
"No word yet?" I asked Olivia.
She shook her head, taking Jonathon from Elliot. "Sorry, Alex. Cragen and Fin are out there right now. Casey's outside in case he comes here." She paused. "He just needs to blow off some steam," she added. "It was probably a big shock seeing you back today."
"Maybe his old heart couldn't take it," joked Elliot.
Olivia frowned. "Come on, El."
He glanced at me. "Sorry, Alex. You know we're just as worried about him as you are."
"Are you in love with him?"
He cocked an eyebrow. "Love, huh?"
"Yeah," I replied defensively. "He may be old, melancholic, and miserly, but he's my old, melancholic, and miserly man."
"I knew you two dated, but were you serious?"
I shrugged. "I never got to tell him how I really felt. For all he knew, our relationship was just some fling." I spat the last word out, bitterness edging on my weary voice.
"He's okay, Alex. Just don't worry," said Olivia quietly, cradling Jonathon in the crook of her arm. "Why don't you go outside and ask Casey if she wants some coffee."
I stopped. "What do you guys think of her?"
Elliot and Olivia glanced at each other. "She's a good ADA. Wins a good amount of cases, and doesn't cut too many deals," answered Elliot.
"Is she better than me?"
"Alex, that's your sense of fatigued vanity talking."
"Is she?"
"You two are both---"
I set my mug down. "I'll go see if she wants some coffee."
I walked through the familiar swinging doors quickly, throwing my long coat through my numb arms. I couldn't feel anything with this guilt hanging over my body. I felt responsible for John taking off during the trial, and him MIA. I couldn't get over this jealously towards Casey. I didn't know if she had truly taken my place or not. The way she interacted with Olivia and Elliot, though, was shaky. I could tell that her start hadn't been smooth.
I came back to New York thinking my life would go back to normal. That I would shed the identity of Kate Rogers and become Alex Cabot, superpower ADA again. That everything would just pick up where I left off.
I was selfish in that idea, thinking that the world revolved around my life. But years in the Witness Protection Program just made me cling to my beliefs even more. I would resume my life. I just had to.
A soft May shower poured outside, dampening my hair slightly. Casey stood alone underneath a brick awning, watching endless raindrops splatter on the black concrete sidewalk.
"My turn to stand guard duty," I said, forcing myself to smile. "Olivia wants to know if you want some coffee, too."
She shook her head. "I'm fine. Standing out here is...sort of peaceful, you know?"
I shrugged. "I used to stare at the rain for a long time too. But then I realized that it still doesn't help you sleep at night."
She looked at me. "The nightmares...they get worse with each case. How did you manage for so long?"
"You just have to numb yourself after awhile. Eventually, nothing can penetrate your skin anymore." I held out my hand, catching a few stray droplets on my palm. "Soon, you can't feel anything."
"You're quite the philosoph, aren't you?"
"What I've seen in my life hasn't been pleasant. Believe me."
Casey nodded, briefly looking down the street. Empty streetlights and deserted cars were all that met her gaze.
"The detectives didn't tell you what happened a few months ago, did they?"
"No, they didn't tell me. Remember, I just got back to New York. I haven't had time for much of anything, never less a gossip gab with Olivia."
"I was raped, Alex."
I blinked awkwardly, her words failing to seep into my skin. "Oh."
"Is that all you can say?"
"Casey, I---"
"You were never forgotten, Alex." Her eyes flashed dangerously at me. "These detectives could never let go of your memory. John kept a picture of you at his desk the entire two years. Olivia and Elliot treated me like dirt for the first few cases. No one wanted to accept me, because they all clung to the belief that you weren't dead. That you would come back someday, and I would just disappear."
"I—"
"Let me finish. Things have finally come around, and I've finally been accepted. I guess the fact that I was raped made them realize that even their new ADA can be a victim."
"When did it happen?"
She tugged at the bottom of her dark blouse, revealing a patch of pale skin, a fading tattoo shining in the dark streetlight. "He branded me, Alex, and I'm never going to forget it, even when the mark fades. It's just like the impact you made here in SVU. I can take your job, work in your office, win and lose your cases, but your presence is never going to leave. You could have died, and I'm sure every detective would still have expected you to rise from your grave, and return.
"They would never forget you. To do so would betray the memory of everything you did for this God-forsaken department. I know they don't sleep at night anymore, and I'm haunted by their nightmares too. We're all haunted. It's what SVU has that no other department can bond over. We have the live victims. We see their faces, battered and bruised until you can't distinguish a gender. We carry their bodies as a burden that won't fade over time."
"All this for me?" I said, stepping towards her.
She stared at me, almost defiantly. "They didn't stop waiting for you to come back."
"I know."
She smiled faintly. "Good."
"All this talking is boring." Out of the corner of my eye, I watched a tall figure emerge from the shadows. John's eyes sparkled slightly from behind his darkened glasses. "Alex, I'm sorry."
From the way he nearly knocked me down, I figured he was glad to see me. His arms were tight around my waist, and for the first time in my life, I could hear him crying. John Munch was crying.
"I'll go inside and see how Olivia's holding up with the baby." Casey disappeared back into the stationhouse, winking at me before leaving.
"You don't know how much I missed you," he murmured, holding my face cupped in his hands. From the way his eyes bore into mine, I knew he was memorizing every part of my face. Just in case.
He never wanted to forget, either.
"Don't look at me like that," I said quietly, his fingers twining with mine.
"Like how?"
"Like I'm a ghost returning from the underworld. Like I'm a victim you need to pity." I touched his cheek. "I was never dead. You don't need to see me as a vic. I'm not one."
He held me away, grasping my shoulders tightly. "You are a victim, Alex. Everyone here is. Casey is one of rape. Elliot is burdened as a struggling new father. Olivia is the child of a rape. Fin has his demons to face, and I'm a broken old man."
"I'm not a victim," I repeated stubbornly.
"You are. Valez is going to rot in jail for his actions, but you need to come to peace with what happened."
"The Program stole two years of my life. Two years I could have been here. With you."
"Which is why I don't just see you as a victim. You and I are both victims. You aren't alone, Alex."
"But I---"
"You're here, and that is what's important. Everything can fall back into place again, if you accept what happened."
"You act as if I were raped or beaten to a bloody pulp."
"Emotionally, you were scarred but what happened years ago. But let those scars heal."
I wiped my eyes wearily. "Since when did you become a shrink? I thought that was Huang's job."
He gazed at me sincerely. "Since the moment you came back, every bone in my body was on fire. Every hair stood up on end. I thought I was seeing a ghost, but then I realized you were alive and well."
"Aren't you the charming romantic," I responded fairly dryly.
He embraced me tightly. "Let's go inside, Alex."
"Okay."
Genuine happiness dotted his lined face. He led me inside, and I could hear the happy shouts when they saw John's face appear in the bullpen. Everything was coming back to me. Olivia's smile, Elliot's charm, Fin's die- hard toughness, and Cragen's mysterious soft side.
The healing process for John and I could take many years. But I was home again, and that was all that mattered most.
Looking back at the vapid night rain, I realized that the shrink had been wrong, all those years ago.
John would find true love.
And I would come to accept change.
A/N: No, no, this isn't technically the last part of the fic. There will be an epilogue/Chapter 10 up remotely soon. But it's been a fairly long haul (about two months) and I'm honored, flattered, and more than happy to keep writing. All the feedback helps me be a better writer. Thanks especially to the svufiction forums, who kept my muse going and the support up. Power to the SVU canon crusaders. Duck, you're my hero and a smut goddess. Thanks for everything, and look for more Law and Order: SVU fiction soon.
Thanks again, Ava Cabot