Ava Cabot
Prelude to Doubt
A Law and Order: SVU fic
Disclaimer: I wish I owned them all. But I don't, so Dick Wolf has all their rights.
A/N: Thank you for all the feedback and support throughout the run of this fic. This epilogue/final chapter is dedicated to all of you who read, reviewed, and kept me writing.
Don't turn away,
Don't give into the pain.
Don't try to hide,
Though they're screaming your name.
Don't close your eyes,
God knows what lies behind them.
Don't turn out the light,
Never sleep, never die.
I'm frightened by what I see.
But somehow I know,
That there's much more to come.
Immobilized by my fear,
And soon to be blinded by tears.
I know I can stop the pain if I will it all away
Evanescence: Whisper
For once, I'm thankful that I'm awake at this ungodly hour.
I can think on my own now. I'm not on the job or tending to Jonathon, who just fell asleep, next to Elliot on our bed. He couldn't stop crying, despite my rocking, singing, or pleading. Someone had bothered him, and even as his mother, I didn't know what it was.
Up here on my fire escape, I can reflect. I used to sit on my apartment's fire escape as a kid and teenager, curling up with my schoolbooks away from my mother. Fin and I used to talk about our escape routes. He would hide on his rooftop, me on the fire escape. He understood.
Alex should be here any minute. I feel bad for calling her at one in the morning. I knew where she is, of course. I doubted that she and John had been apart since she returned weeks ago. I called John's cell, which he picked up reluctantly after five rings. He muttered something incomprehensive before handing the phone to Alex, who replied that she'd drive over.
I don't know why I'm still pondering this.
I couldn't answer the question. Not even with Elliot and Jonathon sleeping in the other room. I didn't know what I regretted or appreciated anymore.
Curling up here alone in the cold, I shiver at my guilt. I'm a terrible person for even doubting what I've been given. I have Elliot and a son. My life finally seems to have meaning. I don't come home to an empty apartment anymore.
I should feel lucky.
And yet I don't.
Everything in my life seemed to have a price. I wanted my mother to stop drinking and pull her life together. She did stop drinking finally---but that's only because she's dead.
I wanted Elliot for the longest time. I never wanted to be without him. And when he and I finally were together, the Stabler family had been broken into pieces. And I still felt like it was completely my fault.
Children were never anything I considered having. I couldn't see myself as a mother, what with my job and the emotional baggage it makes me carry. Adding the life of an innocent child would nearly crucify me.
But then I became pregnant. The motherly instincts, the knowing of everything about a child, they just seemed to kick in during those nine months that I carried Jonathon and mourned for Christine. Even having a healthy child had a price: I lost one.
The bright headlights of John's car lit up the street, as I watched Alex park the car quickly and stride out, dressed in John's heavy overcoat and sweats. Her blonde hair hung loosely around her moonlit shoulders, as her finger hovered over the door buzzer.
"You're late," I called from up on the fire escape, a grin spreading across my face.
She glanced upwards towards me. "Shouldn't you be asleep, now?"
"Why? When I can just call you over for some girl talk."
"Can you at least let me inside? It's damn cold out here. Aren't you freezing?"
"Elliot's robe is rather warm, actually."
Alex smiled. "You two are simply amazing. Now let me in the apartment before I turn into a frozen ADA."
I rose from my crouched position, carefully tiptoeing past Elliot and Jonathon's sleeping forms. Alex's muttered curses about the weather faded as I hit the door buzzer, and heard the front doors downstairs groan open. Alex's soft footsteps were the only noises I heard in the deserted hallway.
She managed to reach the door quickly, as I shifted from foot to foot nervously. I couldn't believe I had called her out in the middle of the night. I was people accustomed to dealing with their own problems alone. If I needed help, which I often stubbornly refused, it was always from Elliot. He was the rock to my crumbling world, the light at the end of my tunnel. His strength gave me relief and comfort during the long nine months of my pregnancy, and he held me when I cried at night, usually during the rare chance we could have slept.
Watching Jonathon sleep soundly in my bedroom reminds me how happy I am that he's there. No one can ever truly appreciate anything, until part of it's gone forever.
"Penny for your thoughts, Olivia." It was a statement, not a request.
"You can have them for free, Alex."
She flicked back a piece of stray hair from her loose bun. "I know you didn't call me at John's in the middle of the night just to chat." She stopped, after hearing Jonathon's steady breathing next to Elliot's sleeping form. "There's something more, isn't there?"
I chose not to reply. She shrugged slowly, following me wordlessly back outside onto the fire escape. Alex was the closest thing I had to a good friend. Smiling slightly, I realized that Elliot and I had long transcended the boundaries between best friends...and then some. I wouldn't go as far as to say that we were just soul mates. He was still my best friend, and even marriage wouldn't change that.
I closed the sliding door behind Alex, gently, so not to wake the two sleeping boys. She sat beside me, her terrycloth-covered legs dangling overhead the street. Down the block, a streetlight flashed into darkness.
I spun Elliot's engagement ring between two fingers. Alex watched me with soulful eyes, drinking in every nervous movement I made under her gaze.
"Elliot wants to get married."
"I know."
Slipping the ring back on my left hand, I snorted. "I keep forgetting what I've told you already."
"I don't mind hearing what I missed."
"John didn't fill you in."
"He did, with his conspiracal details. I wanted to hear everything from you, though. It's been a long two years, and everything's changed. When I left, you weren't even showing yet."
"I started to show pretty soon after."
Alex snickered. "I'm sure you did."
I looked up at her. "Alex, I'm sick of ignoring my problems."
Raising an eyebrow slowly, she reached out and patted my shoulder. "What problems, Olivia?"
I threw up my hands. "Since the day I joined SVU, there have been nothing but stupid mistakes and stupid problems."
"We're going back that far into your past? I thought you just wanted to talk about Jonathon. Or even Elliot and this marriage."
"That's what I thought too."
Alex stopped, her legs dangling still. Her eyes softened, casting an almost pitiful glance in my direction.
"Don't look at me like that, Alex. I'm not a victim."
She took my hand in hers. "That's exactly what I said to John. And it's not true. You are a victim. You keep accusing yourself of things that aren't your fault. You're grieving over events that just fell into place. You didn't choose for--"
"Cut the crap, Alex."
"Olivia, come on."
"No."
"You aren't at fault for anything."
"Yes, I am. I chose to screw Elliot and myself over. I made everyone around us suffer, namely Kathy, his kids, the whole department, and most of all, him. Some unseen force spited me, and I became pregnant, lost one baby, and watched one grow up healthy, knowing I brought him into the world with selfish reasons."
"You need to talk to Elliot."
"I need a shrink."
"What you need is to talk to Elliot. Don't talk to a shrink." She paused. "Don't tell George I said that, though."
I didn't even allow myself a thin smile. "You don't understand, Alex."
"How?"
"You didn't ruin John's life. You didn't get pregnant with his child completely out wedlock, while he still married with four other children. You didn't completely damage the bearings of everyone around you."
A light breeze stirred through Alex's hair, tossing it gently around her face as she stared at me.
"Do you feel guilty, Olivia?"
"Yes."
"You didn't hesitate when answering."
"I can't help how I feel."
Alex stood suddenly, pressing her palm against the cold glass door. Her hand slipped down, until a lone finger was pointed to Jonathon, who sleepily kicked at his sheets.
"Do you regret having him?"
A startled response caught within my throat. "Of course not."
"Then you don't resent what you did to cause your son to be born." Alex smiled, knowing she had me caught. She hadn't lost her lawyer's touch just yet.
I curled up next to the freezing rail. "I hurt everyone, Alex. I don't even know if I should have even had Jonathon."
"Does this seem realistic to you?"
"What? Getting pregnant, rushing into a marriage with Elliot, and nearly getting my ass nailed to the wall by the Morris Commission? Yeah, Alex, it's a regular dream come true."
"So you do think this entire thing is a little surrealistic?"
"A little." I paused. "Do you think I should have had Jonathon?"
"Obviously you were meant to be a mother."
"Right."
"Look at your son, Olivia. You surely can't regret having him."
"I love my son."
"Then stop feeling sorry for yourself. Accept what's happened, and move on with your life. Do you need Elliot to tell you this?"
She turned back to me, sliding down to my level against the milky glass. "Do you need to hear the words from your own son?"
My eyes stung with unwilling tears. I hated showing my emotions—it had always been a sign of weakness. I didn't want to face my feelings.
Maybe I wasn't strong enough.
Her hands, settling on my shoulders carefully, shook as she spoke. "You have to let go, Olivia." She stared at me through her clear blue eyes, pleading for me to listen to her.
"What if I can't?"
"You can." Her voice was comfortingly reassuring, like Elliot's. I wanted to believe her so badly. I wanted to just let go of all my actions.
But how does an already guilty person repent?
Alex moved suddenly, staring up into Elliot's sleepy face, Jonathon perched half-asleep across his chest. He blinked at us, watching Alex smile nervously and me frown.
"What are you doing here?" he asked, glancing down at Alex.
"Girl talk," she replied cheerfully. "Olivia and I were bonding on your fire escape."
"Uh-huh."
"Go back to sleep, El," I said softly. "Don't wake Jonathon up either."
Elliot patted his back. "Too late. We've been awake for awhile now, and I can tell that none of us will be sleeping any time soon."
"Maybe I should go," she started, watching Elliot's eyes lock with mine. "You two should probably talk...alone."
"No," Elliot said firmly. "You can stay." He hoisted Jonathon out of his arms, handing his still body to Alex. "Put Jonathon back to bed in his room, and wait in the kitchen. Make some coffee, watch TV, I don't care."
"Right." Alex hesitantly took Jonathon, rubbing his dark-haired head gently. "Come on, little guy," she cooed softly. "Let's go inside where it's warm..."
I watched Alex leave, half of me wishing I could leave too. She glanced back at us briefly, before disappearing into the kitchen. I could hear her bustling around, getting out the cold coffee grounds heating water. No doubt Jonathon would wake up soon. He was always awake when we left for work, the smell of coffee invigorating him as it did us.
Like father, like son. Like mother, like son.
"Why did you call Alex?"
His question seems so simple—and yet I don't want to answer.
"I didn't want to bother you," I mumbled, my voice barely audible.
Elliot carefully lifted my chin up, staring up at his six-foot frame with tears in my eyes. His eyes understood—God, I wanted just to admit all the guilt I was feeling.
But then, I'd have to admit how weak I felt.
"You never bother me, Liv."
Inside, the coffee machine clicked off. Silence passed between the two of us, as I heard Alex humming in the kitchen, smiling at the wide array of coffee we kept in the cupboards, stocked next to each other in my haphazard arrangement.
"I can see it in your eyes, Liv."
"Really? Since when did you become an expert on reading my eyes?"
"Since the day I met you. I'm not just your partner. I'm going to be your husband." He smiled. "Didn't you say that we transcended all levels of closeness already?"
"Did I?" I replied faintly.
"You did."
"You also said we plunged into the point of no return."
"That I definitely don't remember saying."
"It all goes back to that night, Liv. When I came over in the middle of the night looking for marriage advice, and ended up—"
"Let's not go back to that."
Of course I remember that night. He called me at four in the morning, standing outside my apartment door in at least twenty below weather, freezing in pajamas and his overcoat.
We did end up on the couch that night. I was so stupid, letting him run his hands all down my body, like the very sluts that Vice arrests every day. But when he kissed, it was magic. Every part of my body flew, and I felt as if I could fly. Elliot was my forbidden dream, and the part of me that had been missing since I could remember.
He completed me, in the same way that Jonathon fulfilled all the maternal and compassionate instincts I used with every child that came through SVU.
They made me.
Elliot's chest was warm against my cheek, as he rocked me back and forth in the moonlight.
Inside, Alex smiled, watching the two of us together.
"Well, I'll be damned," she said softly.
"Everything can come to full circle with those two."
A/N 2: it really has been a nice, long haul. The door may be closing for this series, but expect more Olivia/Elliot and Alex/John fics from me soon. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Prelude to Doubt
A Law and Order: SVU fic
Disclaimer: I wish I owned them all. But I don't, so Dick Wolf has all their rights.
A/N: Thank you for all the feedback and support throughout the run of this fic. This epilogue/final chapter is dedicated to all of you who read, reviewed, and kept me writing.
Don't turn away,
Don't give into the pain.
Don't try to hide,
Though they're screaming your name.
Don't close your eyes,
God knows what lies behind them.
Don't turn out the light,
Never sleep, never die.
I'm frightened by what I see.
But somehow I know,
That there's much more to come.
Immobilized by my fear,
And soon to be blinded by tears.
I know I can stop the pain if I will it all away
Evanescence: Whisper
For once, I'm thankful that I'm awake at this ungodly hour.
I can think on my own now. I'm not on the job or tending to Jonathon, who just fell asleep, next to Elliot on our bed. He couldn't stop crying, despite my rocking, singing, or pleading. Someone had bothered him, and even as his mother, I didn't know what it was.
Up here on my fire escape, I can reflect. I used to sit on my apartment's fire escape as a kid and teenager, curling up with my schoolbooks away from my mother. Fin and I used to talk about our escape routes. He would hide on his rooftop, me on the fire escape. He understood.
Alex should be here any minute. I feel bad for calling her at one in the morning. I knew where she is, of course. I doubted that she and John had been apart since she returned weeks ago. I called John's cell, which he picked up reluctantly after five rings. He muttered something incomprehensive before handing the phone to Alex, who replied that she'd drive over.
I don't know why I'm still pondering this.
I couldn't answer the question. Not even with Elliot and Jonathon sleeping in the other room. I didn't know what I regretted or appreciated anymore.
Curling up here alone in the cold, I shiver at my guilt. I'm a terrible person for even doubting what I've been given. I have Elliot and a son. My life finally seems to have meaning. I don't come home to an empty apartment anymore.
I should feel lucky.
And yet I don't.
Everything in my life seemed to have a price. I wanted my mother to stop drinking and pull her life together. She did stop drinking finally---but that's only because she's dead.
I wanted Elliot for the longest time. I never wanted to be without him. And when he and I finally were together, the Stabler family had been broken into pieces. And I still felt like it was completely my fault.
Children were never anything I considered having. I couldn't see myself as a mother, what with my job and the emotional baggage it makes me carry. Adding the life of an innocent child would nearly crucify me.
But then I became pregnant. The motherly instincts, the knowing of everything about a child, they just seemed to kick in during those nine months that I carried Jonathon and mourned for Christine. Even having a healthy child had a price: I lost one.
The bright headlights of John's car lit up the street, as I watched Alex park the car quickly and stride out, dressed in John's heavy overcoat and sweats. Her blonde hair hung loosely around her moonlit shoulders, as her finger hovered over the door buzzer.
"You're late," I called from up on the fire escape, a grin spreading across my face.
She glanced upwards towards me. "Shouldn't you be asleep, now?"
"Why? When I can just call you over for some girl talk."
"Can you at least let me inside? It's damn cold out here. Aren't you freezing?"
"Elliot's robe is rather warm, actually."
Alex smiled. "You two are simply amazing. Now let me in the apartment before I turn into a frozen ADA."
I rose from my crouched position, carefully tiptoeing past Elliot and Jonathon's sleeping forms. Alex's muttered curses about the weather faded as I hit the door buzzer, and heard the front doors downstairs groan open. Alex's soft footsteps were the only noises I heard in the deserted hallway.
She managed to reach the door quickly, as I shifted from foot to foot nervously. I couldn't believe I had called her out in the middle of the night. I was people accustomed to dealing with their own problems alone. If I needed help, which I often stubbornly refused, it was always from Elliot. He was the rock to my crumbling world, the light at the end of my tunnel. His strength gave me relief and comfort during the long nine months of my pregnancy, and he held me when I cried at night, usually during the rare chance we could have slept.
Watching Jonathon sleep soundly in my bedroom reminds me how happy I am that he's there. No one can ever truly appreciate anything, until part of it's gone forever.
"Penny for your thoughts, Olivia." It was a statement, not a request.
"You can have them for free, Alex."
She flicked back a piece of stray hair from her loose bun. "I know you didn't call me at John's in the middle of the night just to chat." She stopped, after hearing Jonathon's steady breathing next to Elliot's sleeping form. "There's something more, isn't there?"
I chose not to reply. She shrugged slowly, following me wordlessly back outside onto the fire escape. Alex was the closest thing I had to a good friend. Smiling slightly, I realized that Elliot and I had long transcended the boundaries between best friends...and then some. I wouldn't go as far as to say that we were just soul mates. He was still my best friend, and even marriage wouldn't change that.
I closed the sliding door behind Alex, gently, so not to wake the two sleeping boys. She sat beside me, her terrycloth-covered legs dangling overhead the street. Down the block, a streetlight flashed into darkness.
I spun Elliot's engagement ring between two fingers. Alex watched me with soulful eyes, drinking in every nervous movement I made under her gaze.
"Elliot wants to get married."
"I know."
Slipping the ring back on my left hand, I snorted. "I keep forgetting what I've told you already."
"I don't mind hearing what I missed."
"John didn't fill you in."
"He did, with his conspiracal details. I wanted to hear everything from you, though. It's been a long two years, and everything's changed. When I left, you weren't even showing yet."
"I started to show pretty soon after."
Alex snickered. "I'm sure you did."
I looked up at her. "Alex, I'm sick of ignoring my problems."
Raising an eyebrow slowly, she reached out and patted my shoulder. "What problems, Olivia?"
I threw up my hands. "Since the day I joined SVU, there have been nothing but stupid mistakes and stupid problems."
"We're going back that far into your past? I thought you just wanted to talk about Jonathon. Or even Elliot and this marriage."
"That's what I thought too."
Alex stopped, her legs dangling still. Her eyes softened, casting an almost pitiful glance in my direction.
"Don't look at me like that, Alex. I'm not a victim."
She took my hand in hers. "That's exactly what I said to John. And it's not true. You are a victim. You keep accusing yourself of things that aren't your fault. You're grieving over events that just fell into place. You didn't choose for--"
"Cut the crap, Alex."
"Olivia, come on."
"No."
"You aren't at fault for anything."
"Yes, I am. I chose to screw Elliot and myself over. I made everyone around us suffer, namely Kathy, his kids, the whole department, and most of all, him. Some unseen force spited me, and I became pregnant, lost one baby, and watched one grow up healthy, knowing I brought him into the world with selfish reasons."
"You need to talk to Elliot."
"I need a shrink."
"What you need is to talk to Elliot. Don't talk to a shrink." She paused. "Don't tell George I said that, though."
I didn't even allow myself a thin smile. "You don't understand, Alex."
"How?"
"You didn't ruin John's life. You didn't get pregnant with his child completely out wedlock, while he still married with four other children. You didn't completely damage the bearings of everyone around you."
A light breeze stirred through Alex's hair, tossing it gently around her face as she stared at me.
"Do you feel guilty, Olivia?"
"Yes."
"You didn't hesitate when answering."
"I can't help how I feel."
Alex stood suddenly, pressing her palm against the cold glass door. Her hand slipped down, until a lone finger was pointed to Jonathon, who sleepily kicked at his sheets.
"Do you regret having him?"
A startled response caught within my throat. "Of course not."
"Then you don't resent what you did to cause your son to be born." Alex smiled, knowing she had me caught. She hadn't lost her lawyer's touch just yet.
I curled up next to the freezing rail. "I hurt everyone, Alex. I don't even know if I should have even had Jonathon."
"Does this seem realistic to you?"
"What? Getting pregnant, rushing into a marriage with Elliot, and nearly getting my ass nailed to the wall by the Morris Commission? Yeah, Alex, it's a regular dream come true."
"So you do think this entire thing is a little surrealistic?"
"A little." I paused. "Do you think I should have had Jonathon?"
"Obviously you were meant to be a mother."
"Right."
"Look at your son, Olivia. You surely can't regret having him."
"I love my son."
"Then stop feeling sorry for yourself. Accept what's happened, and move on with your life. Do you need Elliot to tell you this?"
She turned back to me, sliding down to my level against the milky glass. "Do you need to hear the words from your own son?"
My eyes stung with unwilling tears. I hated showing my emotions—it had always been a sign of weakness. I didn't want to face my feelings.
Maybe I wasn't strong enough.
Her hands, settling on my shoulders carefully, shook as she spoke. "You have to let go, Olivia." She stared at me through her clear blue eyes, pleading for me to listen to her.
"What if I can't?"
"You can." Her voice was comfortingly reassuring, like Elliot's. I wanted to believe her so badly. I wanted to just let go of all my actions.
But how does an already guilty person repent?
Alex moved suddenly, staring up into Elliot's sleepy face, Jonathon perched half-asleep across his chest. He blinked at us, watching Alex smile nervously and me frown.
"What are you doing here?" he asked, glancing down at Alex.
"Girl talk," she replied cheerfully. "Olivia and I were bonding on your fire escape."
"Uh-huh."
"Go back to sleep, El," I said softly. "Don't wake Jonathon up either."
Elliot patted his back. "Too late. We've been awake for awhile now, and I can tell that none of us will be sleeping any time soon."
"Maybe I should go," she started, watching Elliot's eyes lock with mine. "You two should probably talk...alone."
"No," Elliot said firmly. "You can stay." He hoisted Jonathon out of his arms, handing his still body to Alex. "Put Jonathon back to bed in his room, and wait in the kitchen. Make some coffee, watch TV, I don't care."
"Right." Alex hesitantly took Jonathon, rubbing his dark-haired head gently. "Come on, little guy," she cooed softly. "Let's go inside where it's warm..."
I watched Alex leave, half of me wishing I could leave too. She glanced back at us briefly, before disappearing into the kitchen. I could hear her bustling around, getting out the cold coffee grounds heating water. No doubt Jonathon would wake up soon. He was always awake when we left for work, the smell of coffee invigorating him as it did us.
Like father, like son. Like mother, like son.
"Why did you call Alex?"
His question seems so simple—and yet I don't want to answer.
"I didn't want to bother you," I mumbled, my voice barely audible.
Elliot carefully lifted my chin up, staring up at his six-foot frame with tears in my eyes. His eyes understood—God, I wanted just to admit all the guilt I was feeling.
But then, I'd have to admit how weak I felt.
"You never bother me, Liv."
Inside, the coffee machine clicked off. Silence passed between the two of us, as I heard Alex humming in the kitchen, smiling at the wide array of coffee we kept in the cupboards, stocked next to each other in my haphazard arrangement.
"I can see it in your eyes, Liv."
"Really? Since when did you become an expert on reading my eyes?"
"Since the day I met you. I'm not just your partner. I'm going to be your husband." He smiled. "Didn't you say that we transcended all levels of closeness already?"
"Did I?" I replied faintly.
"You did."
"You also said we plunged into the point of no return."
"That I definitely don't remember saying."
"It all goes back to that night, Liv. When I came over in the middle of the night looking for marriage advice, and ended up—"
"Let's not go back to that."
Of course I remember that night. He called me at four in the morning, standing outside my apartment door in at least twenty below weather, freezing in pajamas and his overcoat.
We did end up on the couch that night. I was so stupid, letting him run his hands all down my body, like the very sluts that Vice arrests every day. But when he kissed, it was magic. Every part of my body flew, and I felt as if I could fly. Elliot was my forbidden dream, and the part of me that had been missing since I could remember.
He completed me, in the same way that Jonathon fulfilled all the maternal and compassionate instincts I used with every child that came through SVU.
They made me.
Elliot's chest was warm against my cheek, as he rocked me back and forth in the moonlight.
Inside, Alex smiled, watching the two of us together.
"Well, I'll be damned," she said softly.
"Everything can come to full circle with those two."
A/N 2: it really has been a nice, long haul. The door may be closing for this series, but expect more Olivia/Elliot and Alex/John fics from me soon. Thank you, thank you, thank you.