When Tonks was in her room at 12 Grimmauld Place she looked around wildly for Severus. For brief moment, she didn't think he was there, but then she heard him place a silencing charm on the room. No one would be able to hear them from the outside.
Tonks sat down on her bed, hyperventilating. As she said there gasping for air she yelled, "Why did I do it? Why?" She sat there, trying to talk more, but her throat was constricting; she wasn't able to breathe.
Severus was at her side in an instant. "You've got to breathe, Dora. Breathe!"
Tonks shook her head. She didn't want to breathe, she didn't deserve to breathe.
"Dora, look at me," Severus commanded. Tonks obeyed. "Now breathe with me."
She looked at Severus' concerned face. He took her hands and started breathing slowly. She attempted one breath, and started gasping again. She wanted to give up. "Please, Dora. Please try," she heard him whisper.
She would try for him. She met his gaze again and started to follow his breathing pattern. She had a few false attempts, and kept gasping. But after a few minutes, she was able to breath normally again. "Thank you," she said softly.
He nodded, not letting go of her hands. "Dora?" he asked.
"Yes?"
"Please turn back into Tonks."
Tonks looked down and saw that she was still Celeste. She jumped up and ran to her closet. Suddenly the most important thing was getting out of these clothes. Quickly she scrunched her nose and was Tonks again with her natural hair color. She took off her blouse and skirt, not even caring what Severus saw. Within a minute she was into typical Tonks clothes, feeling a little better.
As she went to sit back down on the bed, she saw her reflection in the mirror on her vanity. Yes, her hair color was her own, but the shape was still Celeste's. She didn't want anything more to do with Celeste. Determined, she walked over to her desk and found a pair of muggle scissors. She walked to her vanity and sat down.
When Severus saw what she was holding, he stood up, very concerned. "Dora, what are you doing?" he asked quickly.
Taking a handful of hair, she took the scissors and cut the hair off. "I don't want to be Celeste anymore, Severus." She grabbed another handful and chopped. "This is my hair, my real hair. I will not share that with Celeste any longer!"
Severus grabbed her wrist. "You're going to hurt yourself Dora. Please stop."
She turned and looked at him. "I won't stop!" she screamed. "I deserve to get hurt after tonight!"
Gently, he took the scissors from her hand. Tonks put her face in her arms on the vanity and started sobbing. "Why did I do it?" she said over and over.
"Lift your head, Dora," she heard Severus say.
She lifted her head and looked at him through the mirror. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying, but he had never seen her more beautiful. Without ceremony, he took some more of her hair, and started cutting. Tonks was touched when she realized what he was doing. She sat there, with her eyes closed and sat motionless while he cut her hair.
Tonks felt herself relaxing as she heard the steady sound of the scissors over and over. She could feel her hair falling after it was cut, sometimes brushing her cheeks. She refused to open her eyes. She didn't care what her hair looked like, as long as it was different. "I'm done," Severus said simply after a few minutes.
Tonks opened her eyes and looked at herself in the mirror. He had duplicated the spikes that she so often wore. More importantly, she couldn't find Celeste in the mirror. "Thank you. Thank you so much, Severus." Quickly, she changed the color to her standby bubblegum pink.
He nodded and knelt besides her. "I want to do what's best for you, Dora. Would you like to talk about tonight?"
She nodded. "So you've never killed before? Not even in the line of duty as an Auror?" Severus asked gently.
"Never. I'm too junior of an Auror to be put in situations where I'd need to kill. And even last year, fighting the Death Eaters at the Ministry, I chose stunning spells over killing ones."
Severus took her hand and she continued. "I should have helped David, Severus. I should have said 'to hell with you, Lucius!' I could have given him money, taken him to a shelter. But I killed him!" She was starting to get hysterical again.
"Dora, please don't get worked up again, we'll get you through the night, I promise. It's the first night that's the worst."
Tonks eyes were shut, reliving the moment of David Watson's death.
"Why did you call him David?" Severus asked softly.
"Because that's his name! When I knelt down, I asked him his name. I killed David Watson!" With that Tonks crumpled into Severus' arms. She sobbed uncontrollably into his shoulder. He held her close to him and started rocking her back and forth. After a few minutes, she was silent again and he put his hand on the back of her head. At that moment, Tonks felt like he could protect her from anything.
"I'm sorry I'm such a mess," Tonks whispered, lifting her head to look at him.
"You're perfect," Severus whispered back.
Tonks let herself giggle at that. "Nobody's perfect," she said.
Severus held her tighter, "Then you're as close to perfect as they come."
She put her head on his shoulder and sighed, "Thank you."
They stayed on the floor for several minutes, just holding each other. Then Tonks remembered something. She jumped up off of the floor and started rummaging through her desk. She then found what she was looking for, the sample pack of products the Weasley twins had given her. She took out the Remembrance Reversal.
"Dora, you're not in the right state to be taking pills," Severus said worriedly.
She showed him the small red pill. "It's called a Remembrance Reversal. The Weasley twins invented it. If I take one now, I'll forget the last hour. I'd like to forget," she said simply.
Severus shook his head. "You can't forget, Dora. You need these memories. David Watson would have died in vain if you took this pill," he said as he took the pill from her hand.
Tonks' head dropped. "You're right," she whispered. "It would be so easy to forget, though."
"I know it would be," Severus said. They walked back to her bed and sat down. "What you need to do, is to take your anger and channel it in defeating the Dark Lord. That's what I do."
She let herself lean against him and rested her head on his shoulder. "Have you killed many people?" she asked timidly. When she saw his face tighten, she regretted asking.
"Yes, I have," Severus answered. "We're at war, Dora. There will always be casualties in war. But I'm doing everything I can to end this war, so their deaths won't be in vain."
Tonks was still upset, but she was much more at peace. Severus put his arms around her and held her tightly. She realized then just how much she needed him. Tonks would never have been able to get through the last few weeks if it wasn't for Severus. Her need for him, his strength, was almost overpowering.
Severus cleared his throat. "Why weren't you as receptive to Lucius this evening?"
"He raped me last night, Severus. I guess it really wasn't rape, since I finally gave up and stopped struggling. He beat me up pretty bad," she said, "Amazing that once I try to put some distance between him and I, he wants me more."
"I saw the bruises on your legs while you were changing. That was because of him?"
Tonks nodded. Severus stood up suddenly and pounded his fist on her desk. The noise made Tonks jump. "Please don't get upset with me!" she cried, "If he hadn't won the struggle last night, I would have never become a Death Eater."
"Oh, Dora. It's not you, please don't think I'm angry with you!" he said as he rushed back to her, encasing her with his arms. "I'm furious with myself, darling. I…I just want to be able to protect you."
"I can protect myself, Severus," she whispered.
"I know, Dora, I know."
"Though it really doesn't seem like it right now, does it?" she giggled.
They sat there in silence for a few more minutes. "I'm ready to sleep," Tonks announced. "Will you please stay the night?" she asked.
He kissed her on the forehead. "Of course I'll stay."
Tonks stood up. "I don't really have anything for you to change into."
"Well, I was thinking I could floo back to my chambers and get you some dreamless sleep. I could pick up something to change into then.'
"No!" Tonks cried. "Please don't leave me, Severus. Even for just a few minutes. Please?"
"Calm down, Dora. I'm not going to leave your side. I just thought some dreamless sleep would be good for you."
"It would be, but I don't want to leave my room," she said.
"Then we won't leave your room," Severus said simply.
They both stood up. Severus took of his robe and jacket. He undressed until all he was wearing was a T-shirt and his boxer shorts. Tonks didn't have the energy to change into her pyjamas, so she simply took off her pants, wearing only her T-shirt.
Tonks brought back the covers and slipped underneath. She laid on her back. She felt Severus also getting into bed. Gently, he slid his arm around her. She got on her side and put her head on his shoulder. They laid there, like that for awhile. He started stroking her now very short hair. Finally, Tonks felt herself falling asleep. Severus waited, until he heard her breathing evenly, knowing she was sleeping. Only then did he allow himself to close his eyes.