1954

Here I am Hotlips Houlihan. Not any of that Margaret kindness or that Major dictatorship. Away from what I've known for a year now. Away from those 'friends' I had.

But now, I'm back. Wilder and more outgoing than ever. Party lifestyle suits me...it always has...and why in the HELL did I join fascism USA? Because it's tradition. Is it tradition for a 30 year old to go back to her old ways? History surely repeats itself...that's tradition.

What were my old ways? Margaret, Major, Hotlips? No, it goes further than that. Try as far back as 15...

"Margaret, are you feeling alright?"
"I'm fine! It's just something I ate."

Little did my mother know how close she was.

"Maggie, that looks gorgeous"
"Yeah, I can finally fit into it, I feel great!"
"You have gotten...thinner I've noticed. What's your secret?"
"I can eat anything and it doesn't matter...It's wonderful"
"How?"
"Well..."

Lorraine was one to never try new things. No matter how great it was, she never tried it.

"Margaret you haven't touched your dinner."
Shoving a mouthful in "You happy?"
"Alvin, I think she's sick."
Like YOU would know oh dear parents of mine.
"It's just the flu, I'll be fine okay?"
"No one has the flu for 3 months Marrrrgaret"
"And what the hell would you know?"
"Margaret Jane Houlihan don't you yell..."
"You're all so damned perfect, I'm fine, I don't feel like eating, so GET OVER IT!"

That's what worried them...THAT'S what gave them the hint that something was wrong...boy, did I underestimate them?

"Maggie, you've gotta stop doing this to yourself"
"Doing what? I KEEP TELLING YOU, IT'S NOTHING!

Should I have listened to them? What did they know? THEY WERE PERFECT!

"Margaret...Maggie"
Oh go away can't you hear I'm...
"Are you okay?"
And still I kept on doing it...I didn't want to stop.

"MRS HOULIHAN!...Margaret's sick."
"Margaret...what's wrong?"
"I...I don't feel so well..."
And then I apparently collapsed. I made Lorraine promise not to tell anyone my secret. Like she would keep it...she was the perfect child.

I overheard my parents talking one night...about me.

"Alvin, she needs help."
"There is nothing wrong with my daughter, she's perfect."
"Have you seen how much weight she's lost?"
"She's growing up, it's just baby fat."
"Is the loss of baby fat the reason why none of her clothes fit?"
"I don't know about these things...you're her mother"
"And you're her father...she's always looked up to you. She won't listen to me. She won't listen to Elizabeth, she won't listen to Lorraine...you're her last hope."
"Last hope of what?"
"Are you blind? She hardly eats and when she does, she throws it up straight after when no one's watching."
"The girl just wants to lose some weight, is there any problem in that?"
"She's making herself sick. Do you want her to die...because at the rate she's going, she will."
Die...what would she know? SHE WAS PERFECT. There was no harm in what I was...am doing now is there?

"Margaret...your mother asked me to come and talk to you..."
"Dad I know why you're here, I heard you two last night. You're right, there's nothing wrong with me."
"Now if you're sure..."
"I am daddy...thanks."
Men...they can never sense when someone is in trouble and when someone is just fine.

"Margaret..."
"What the hell is this?"
"Can you just sit down, we need to talk to you."
"What, why? Is this some kind of gang up?"
"You need to stop."
"I need to stop what?"
"You need to stop making yourself sick."
"Sick? I'm okay."
"Oh sure sis, stick your fingers down your throat to throw up everything you've eaten...yeah, real healthy."
"Elizabeth shh."
"No Mrs Houlihan...Lizzy's right. Maggie, if you don't stop, you'll die."
"And why would you care?"
"What kind of a question is that? Of course we care. We're family."
"Family...what exactly does that mean mo-ther?"
"Margaret don't be like this. You are perfect just as you are..."
"Maybe now, but if I stop I won't be..."
"Margaret honey we've tried everything. I called Doctor Shepherd and he wants you to go to the hospital for a while"
"What? What hospital, why?"
"Because we want you well again...you're getting sicker every week...soon...I don't want to think about it..."
"Look...if I stop, do I still have to go?"
"No honey, but Doctor Shepherd still wants to see you, can you do that for me?"
"Okay daddy...for you."
So...I stopped. I had the urging and the craving to do it...but I didn't. Doctor Shepherd told me what to eat and he wanted me gain 12 pounds...12 pounds sounded a lot. He said it was for the best if I wanted to be the best...so I did...well...almost did.

Nursing school taught me medicine, the army taught me discipline. That...I guess was why I never purposely did it again...until now.

Now here I am...a 30 year old ex army officer and Korean vet, in a club, drinking my hearts content. Never eating...eating was a bad sign.

They all tried to contact me...Potter, BJ, Charles, Father Mulcahy, Klinger, even Radar and Trapper. And of course Hawkeye. Hawkeye tried hardest of all. No thanks to my happily married, mothered baby sister, at least 50 letters and phone calls from him. I answered all of the calls...I only ever spoke once.

"Margaret, my God how are you...I've been trying to contact you for...a year."
"Hi Hawkeye."
"What are you doing, how are you, are you well?"
"Me, I'm talking to you aren't I?"
"Are you working or..."
"No, not working...just living a lifestyle, like everyone else. How about you, married? Of course not, that's not Hawkeye now isn't it?"
"Margaret...are you okay?"
"You already asked that...twice"
"Well I'm going to keep asking until I get an answer."
"Me? Oh great...just fucking dandy...you?"
What do you think? Typical man.

"I'm doing okay...we had a reunion last month...we all...I missed you."
"Yeah I got your letter"
"Why didn't you come?"
"I had to wash my hair that night."
"Margaret are you drunk?"
"Unfortunately no. I would LOVE to be drunk right now, but I am myself at the moment and very content being so."
"Don't kid yourself, this isn't you."
"And what the hell would you know? Just because you sleep with me once..."
"Twice"
And I bet they ALL heard about it too.

"Twice, doesn't make you my owner."
"Margaret will you just listen to yourself? This isn't you. This isn't the Margaret I know...This isn't Major Houlihan"
"Good...I haven't been Major for a year now"
"You quit the army?"
"Noooo, I got promoted....what do you think? Yes I quit the damn army. And why would you care? You hate the army."
"But I don't hate you."
"Yeah right. Now if you'll excuse me, I accidentally ate something today and I have to go throw it up. Goodbye"
"What? Margar..."
At that point I slam the phone down and discard of the toast I had eaten an hour before.

That was last night. I decided not to be lonely anymore, so now, I'm here...in a club. Waiting for the next company to walk through the door.

"Excuse me ma'am? We're closing up."
"What? Oh fine."

That club was no good anyway.

Great, just wonderful. No taxis. Well...I guess I'll just have to walk.

How dare he call...him of all people. So we had sex, so what? I've had sex plenty of times and no ones given a damn about me. Why should he be the first?

'But Margaret, he cares about you...he said it himself. They've all tried to call you...they all care about you.'

'Don't listen to her, he doesn't like you. Remember he said you should lose a few pounds...well you've gotta lose a few more before he'll even look at you.'

Shut up Shut up SHUT UP!

Did I eat anything today? I can't remember? The kid did at Halloween...he ate something and people died...Oh God, I think...I'd better run.

Why won't it go away? The pain. It's still there...why can't I stop crying? Why can't I be loved?

Oh go away, it's too late to visit.

"Margaret it's me, will you open up, please? I know you're home...please Margaret. I want to help you."

Oh God, it's Hawkeye, go away, please go away.

"Margaret, I know there's something wrong, I know you're not well...I wasn't well either. I got help..."
"And I suppose everything's cheery now"
"No I wouldn't say that...but it's been getting better. Can I come in."

'He's not going to go away Margaret, open it for him...he can help you...he cares about you.'

'Yeah, the quicker you open it, the quicker he'll go away.'

"What do you want?"
"Just what I said...I want to help you. Can I come in?"
"If you really must."
"Margaret when was the last time you ate."
"Yesterday night..."
"And kept it down?"
"Oh don't you try the heroics on me buddy."
"Margaret, eat something. You'll get sick if you don't."
"I already am sick...you said so yourself"
"When?"
"When you told me I should lose a few pounds...back then remember HERO?"
"Margaret I was out of line, I was a jerk back then. I didn't mean it...I"
"Well congratulations, you got your wish."
Stupid prick, what's your fucking right?

"Margaret, this isn't just a few pounds...look at yourself. This isn't Margaret, or Major or anyone."
"Yes it is, this is Hotlips. The party going gal everyone loved."
"No it isn't. Hotlips would have reported anyone who was making themselves sick. She would call it being unmilitary, un-American."
"Well then if this isn't Hotlips then I guess it's someone else. No wait, it's Maggie Houlihan. The 15 year old."
"What?"
"Yeah, that's who this is. And if you don't like it then you can go back to Crabapple Cove. No wait, why don't you just go straight to hell..."
"And why don't you wake up to yourself for crying out loud? I came here with the thought to help someone I care about, deeply. This self-pitying of yours is disgusting...what's worse it's not you. It doesn't do anyone, mostly yourself any good."
What right does he have to say all this?

"I wouldn't get so high and mighty if I were you Benjamin."
"Oh?"
"If I remember right you were screwed up yourself quite a few times yourself."
"Yeah, and you know what's different? I had people around me and I knew it. You have people around you and you don't care."
"Don't care? You and your friends should be the kings of not caring."
"What?"
"You and BJ and Potter and the rest of them."
"Have you SEEN the amount of letters we've all sent to you? We must have destroyed 10 forests, trying to show how much we care."
"Well the environmentalists are going to be pissed off because you are wasting your time lying."
Idiot

"Sit down"
"WHAT?"
"SIT DOWN Houlihan!"
"Fine."
"I thought maybe the soft approach would bring you around. Maybe even a medium approach. But I'm going to get tough."
What a HYPOCRITE!

"Oooh Captain Pierce the pacifist getting tough...I'm shaking."
"Now you sit down, SHUT UP and listen."
"Yes dad."
"It's a damn good thing I'm not your dad."
"Yeah, I think it's illegal to jump your own father"
"First of all. Grow up. Simple."
"This coming from you?"
"You're acting like a fucking teenager."
Oooh BIG WORDS!

"Well I guess history repeats itself."
"I told you to shut up. Maybe once you realise that you're a grown woman and not some prissy pubescent kid then we can go on."
"Oh I know I'm not a kid...I'm sure you do too. If you can't remember, maybe I can refresh your memory."
If he wants to do it again, then fine, I can go with it.

"No Margaret. Sit down...don't be an idiot."
"Fine, I know I'm acting like a teenager and I'll stop. Now what teacher?"
"Second of all – stop being such a smartass. That kinda goes with the whole growing up thing ya know?"
"Fine, I'll stop playing your role. Please continue, this is gripping stuff."
Asshole

"Thirdly you're a nurse."
"Really? Wow! And all that time I thought I was a solider."
"And a nurse knows that making yourself sick is not healthy."
"And I suppose as a doctor, excessive drinking is the key to health?"
"You know as well as Klinger's goat that we drank to forget. Over a long period of time it isn't healthy. I stopped a few months after I arrived home."
"And I suppose you're a priest too."
"No, I'd miss the sex too much."
I have to laugh. At least Hawkeye hadn't totally flipped his lid.

"At least you can still laugh."
"At least you're still funny."
"You do realise that making yourself throw up isn't doing the world of good."
"I look better though wouldn't ya say Hawk?"
"No, I'd say you look sick. How much weight have you lost?"

'Just tell him, he'll get it out of you sooner or later'

'Tell him, shock him, he'll run away then!'

"32 pounds"
"WHAT?"
"Like I said...32 pounds. Are you hard of hearing or something?"
"Do you know what the complications are let alone what will happen if you lose any more?"
"I'd float away?"
"You'll die, that's what'll happen."
"Me die? I've lived through a war! Just because I've lost a little weight..."
"32 pounds isn't a little...there are POW's who lost less than you have."
"So I don't like New York food."
Certainly better than Korea...most of the time...who am I kidding? I haven't eaten in God knows how long.

"I have the solution"
"What force feed me til I balloon? Or is it the parent thing, throw me in hospital til I get better."
"Neither."
"Or leave me as I am."
"You say you don't like New York food...come live with me"
"Why Pierce, proposing so soon?"
"Just until you're healthy again. And if you want to stay, stay."

'Go with him Margaret...he'll help you get well. If not something bad will happen.'

'Do what you want to do, why do I care? You'll end up dead one day.'

"If you'll stop wasting paper on me, then fine. Whatever."
"Really?"
"Don't push it pal."
"Okay ,okay, grab some stuff and we'll get going."
"NOW?"
"Why not?"
"For one we don't have a car."
"I do. Sort of a 'welcome home and good thing you didn't get yourself killed' present."
"Or money."
"I'm still working."
"Fine, I'll be out in a few minutes."
"I'll be waiting."

Does that man ever give up...maybe I am sick? He is a doctor after all...but what if this is just an excuse to get me into bed again? No, he thinks there's a problem. If there is he can either fix it, or realise I'm fine. Either way I get to see his home.

Hmmm...what to bring? Nothing flashy...not that anything I own flashy fits me anymore. Ah what the hell, it's a small town, not much to see so it's not like we'll be going anywhere much...extremely casual.

Do I even own ANY clothes?

"Hey, you okay in there?"
"As soon as I can find something"
"You women are all the same"
"Something that will fit."
"Ahhh."
"What do you mean 'ahhh?'"
"I'm just acknowledging you said something. No need to bite my head off."
"Ah huh." "You need a hand?"
"I need to know what we'll be doing there."
"Getting you well again."
"I mean are we going out anywhere? I need to know what to bring, and how much to take."
You're Hawkeye, you should have figured out what I meant – duh!

"As for what to bring, really casual stuff. Crabapple Cove isn't exactly a buzzing city. As for how much...that really depends on how you co-operate. If you do it as well as tonight, you may as well move in."
Where the...does he get off saying this to me?

"What exactly are you implying?"
"Oh, I give up! Look, bring all you can and if you need anything extra, we'll buy it ok."
"Buy with what exactly? I told you I'm not working, I'm lucky enough to have this."
"I don't exactly have much to spend money on. I'll buy it."
Buy your way out of it – riiiiight!
"I can't ask you to do that."
"You're not asking, I'm forcing you."
ALRIGHT! Now I give UP!

"Fine. Could you grab everything on the dresser and just throw it in?"
"Just as is? All of it?"
"This is New York...not exactly a safe place to keep your valuables in."
"Why exactly did you pick New York?"
"Simple: Mom's in Florida, Dad's in California and Lizzy's in Wisconsin. Away a good distance from everyone."
"But me."
"That was pure coincidence."
You'd think by any means I'd move here just for him...check your pants at the door then!

"You done yet?"
"Don't rush me! It is 3am and I'm not exactly all that awake you know."
"As I say it's better than nightmares."
"Sure is."
"Anything else?"
"Not really."
"No one to say where you're going?"
"No, wait...what am I going to do about rent?"
"I'll handle it. Grab you're stuff and let's go...this city's already bugging me."

Well that's what you get for living in one place for a long time then. Lucky bastard.

So here I am, in Hawkeye's new Desoto, driving up the highway, away from New York to Maine, to a place I'd never seen before...well this is Hotlips...I mean Maggie Houlihan...I'll just go with it.

But I wish he'd stop staring at me that way...those big blue eyes, that sad, lost look he has that makes you wanna cry. But no, I won't give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry...again.

"Why don't you get some sleep, you look tired."
"I've been tired for years, no matter...how much sleep I get."
"Just close your eyes...Maggie"

At least he's got the yawn name right.