Well, hello, hello. I am back and quicker now. But I think that this format is going to work. The last time I had all these problems and I could barely do anything to get it to go on as well as it did. I even had to have Suppis Tenshi post it for me because I couldn't! Thank you Suppis Tenshi! But other than that it has been fun and I hope you enjoy this next chapter. I am trying harder to work some more romance in, but I am planning to take it slow but other than some major events I don't really have anything else planned and I am just writing this as it comes along. So I hope you enjoy it!
Read and enjoy!
-MC
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9/20/99
2:04 a.m.
I sigh. I take a deep breath and contemplate. I think and I think and I think. In fact I think so much that my head begins to hurt. But it isn't painful. It is…interesting. It is that feeling when you have all these emotions swimming through your mind—confusion, heartache, longing, pride, independence, love, anything that has enough guts to make itself known to you in your conscious. Your subconscious, on the other hand, is working furiously with the feelings, emotions and desires that you aren't physically aware of. I am concentrating so hard that I can feel the prickling of tears behind my eyes and I take another deep breath. What am I truly feeling at the moment? Totally lost, for starters. Totally and utterly lost. I'm here, waving my map of life around and yelling at anyone who dares to pass by "where they hell am I? Can you please help me?" Slap me with the stick of utter confusion because I don't recognize a single landmark, event or anything whatsoever. In my minds eye I can see myself look at my life map again, scratching my head. I had it all drawn out, my life. It is here on the map, I see it now. I see where I want to go, where I want to be. But the problem is, where the hell am I now? If I don't know where I am, then how can I get to where I want to be? I got lost from my transition from high school to college, I can tell you that much. But even though I am now physically in college, it feels like I haven't gotten there mentally. Bloody hell. How can one get lost on a nonexistent map? How can one be there for one second, pulling a Marauder's map from Harry Bloody Potter which myself physically manifesting itself as a dot on my map and then how can I vanish? I don't have an invisibility cloak, although that would be handy when sneaking around the co-ed bathrooms but seriously, where did I go?
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We are in the car. Well, I am physically in the car, but emotionally I am a million miles away. I don't mean to be rude, but Sesshomaru and our whole little outing is the farthest thing from my mind. I was contemplating this feeling that I have started to feel more and more, in the short time that I knew Inu was leaving and now that he is actually gone. It is confusion. What am I going to do for three months, honestly? I mean, we did everything together. We laughed at the same things and joked and just all around acted like the best friends we were. And it helped that we saw each other often enough. And Inu was a kick in the pants. He was my "take anywhere" friend. If I needed a date from some work function, I wanted to go out on a Saturday night or if I just wanted to be in watching movies, he was there for me at all times. And we could just do anything. Not that I couldn't do these things with Sango, but I had been doing them longer with Inu and once you have a pattern why should you do something new?
But now the pattern was broken. Inu was gone. Who would take his place when I needed someone to gossip to about something totally stupid? Who could I just take anywhere and make me feel like I actually had a man that was good enough to take me out on a Saturday night? A hand on my thigh took me out of my ponderings.
"What is wrong? You are being in Kagome recluse mode and you have this hilarious but pensive look on your face." Ha bloody ha. Like him adding the "pensive" part will make me forgive him for the "hilarious" comment. I don't look funny when I'm thinking!
"Goodness gracious Sess, I am just being serious for a moment. I have a lot on my mind, okay?" He visibly wilted next to me in the driver's seat. Shit Kagome. Nice one, stupid ass. He was just trying to distract you. And he is taking you out to dinner. Don't be a bitch. "I'm sorry; it was just something that Sango said got me thinking."
"No problem. I understand. Want to talk about it?" I actually didn't. But it was nice that he offered and all. Well, duh, he is my friend and all.
"No, that's alright. I wouldn't want to bore you. And anyways, we can talk about something else. What did you do after I left?"
"Think of you."
"Hardy har har, Sess. You are such a good liar that I am seriously thinking of hiring you as my personal lawyer just in case I decide to kill someone during my holiday." Oh, I didn't tell you that either? Yeah, well, Inu isn't the only one that deserves a holiday and although I can't afford any foreign countries I decided to take some paid time off and just be around the house and perhaps take a few tiny trips around the state. Which I think was going to be fun, but I just needed to find someone to accompany on these little outings once in a while so, like Sess said, I don't go into recluse mode extreme.
"Yes, I don't even think that my excellent skills can help you if you decide to kill Miroku in his sleep." Even though Sess had never officially hung out with my friends during functions, he had heard enough from me about Miroku and his groping tendencies. I wonder what he would do if he found out that he was who I lost my virginity to…
"Oh really? Have to keep that in mind for the next time spontaneous murder happens upon my mind," I drawl out, imitating his usual bored tone a little too well.
"Oh but darling, that would be completely horrid if you got blood all over your clothes," he says in a perfect imitation of Inuyasha and I can't help it, I laugh hysterically.
"Sess, are you sure you haven't missed your calling?"
"How so?"
"Perhaps you get yourself into acting. I'm sure you could sleep your way through." And then I stop—completely horrified I just let that comment slip out. Shit. Nice one, again. He is being perfectly nice with you and you go ahead and fucking insult him. What a bitch. " Sess, I didn't mean that, honestly, I didn't—"
" No, its fine. I'm sure you've heard enough stories from Inuyasha." He looks a little crestfallen and I don't push the matter any further. And luckily we pull into a parking lot pretty quick so I can save the embarrassing silence and the now almost visible rift between us and our good moods. I felt like sinking back into bed and just slipping into my bed and reading a good book.
4/7/95
8:33 p.m.
"Ender's Game" is by far one of the best books ever written. I finished it in two days. I actually read it in between classes. I felt like such a nerd but I had to know what was going to happen. I can't recommend it for everybody because I am not everybody but for somebody, "Ender's Game" is for you.
I have always been interested in everything that has ever been written but there are a few of the authors that I simply adore. Orson Scott Card is obviously one of the best authors that could ever have been alive to this day. I mean, honestly, Ender is such a cool, cool kid. It is almost like Holden from "Catcher in the Rye." He is a guy that you want to be your friend but he can only be your friend if you actually deserve it. And it also helps that he is just so smart. You would feel privileged if he would respect you and be your friend. But that isn't the only reason as to why you want to be friends with them. It is of course their integrity and their charm and their absolute dedication to what they believe is real and right. Sometimes I wish that I could be like those heroes in those wonderful novels of suspense or science fiction or whatnot. I want to have that absolute knowledge of what is right and what is true and what is noble. I want to be someone who just seems to have all the answers and they don't have to be necessarily right, but they are right in their life and that is what I want. I want to be absolutely certain with something for once. Just for once I want to know something for certain! Like some hero or protagonists of a novel. Does anyone ever think that it would be the best thing in the world to be the hero or protagonist of a novel? You get the girl or guy, you solve the mystery or whatnot and you get a happy ending. Who doesn't want this in life? I want my happy ending. And perhaps knowing about something certain in my life then I could finally have this happy ending that I not only need and deserve.
We silently went into the restaurant which I noted was not the usual one that we went to on our Tuesday nights. It was some swanky upper class restaurant and when the maitre d came in she seemed to know him really well. I immediately knew that Sesshomaru came there often. And he fit in there. With all those gorgeous ladies and those hunky men who just knew what to say and just knew what to do. And I admit, I admit that it made me a little jealous. Not of the woman who were staring openly at Sesshomaru (and I swear they were salivating) but of the fact that they belonged somewhere. When I thought about a place where I belonged the only place that I could come up with was when I was with Inuyasha. At that made me a little disgusted, you know, that the only place you felt comfortable with was not a place but a person. A person for goodness sake. And perhaps I am being a little rash, I mean he is my friend and all but still, is he truly what I can call home? Or is it something that I just think I can call home because I haven't found the real home that I am yearning for? God damn Sango! Why did she have to get me all thinking about things and all pensive and just being totally stupid. I'm with Sesshomaru right now. I am being treated nicely and I am acting totally bitchy back to him. Goodness and he has just ordered for me. Was I really thinking that long?
"Sess, I really am sorry. I mean, I didn't mean it, but it is true, I have heard about your past and everything. I mean, how can I not miss it when you have those guys in the office asking you random places every day and then your huge black book. It is almost like you want it known or something…" I looked at him again and mentally slapped myself. I just couldn't say anything right to him.
"No, I don't want it known. It was a long time ago, Kagome. It was a person that I don't really know anymore." I took his hand under the table that was resting on his knee. I looked into his golden eyes and he sighed, squeezing my hand back and placing his other hand on top of mine. "Have you ever wanted to be someone else? Have you ever wanted to just leave your life behind and forget about everything?" I nodded my head slowly. "Well, imagine feeling that every bloody day of your life. My father is a kind man, he always has been. But he expects so much and he wants so much from me. At first I tried to be that man, I tried to be that man that he wanted me to be. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't be this son that he wanted me to be. But Inuyasha could do it. And so I left.
I wanted to dominate and show that I had power over something that my father did not. I wanted to take my life into my own hands, and well, a sexual revolution, for lack of a better term was the thing that struck me as the most plausible. I was young, still in college, taking a year off for traveling and just doing whatever. Since I worked as a journalist from connections my…father…had unwittingly gotten me at the time, I received a job that allowed me to travel extensively. And on the plane there was this woman who just gave me the eyes. You know, those eyes that said you could do anything you wanted anytime you wanted. And so I guess that I just did. I just took her into the bathroom and we just had sex right then and there. And doing something illegal, being with someone who I had never met before in the span of five minutes, not planning to get to know them after the deed was done, was, well, freeing. It made me free, just for the small amount of time, it made me completely and impossibly free. Something I had never felt before stuck under my father's image."
I knew exactly how he felt. I knew what he was speaking of. My revolution was loving Inuyasha. But unlike his revolution, mine had never stopped. Mine was still stuck on this carousel and I didn't want to get off anytime soon. I was prepared to stay on for life.
"But I couldn't do it forever. I continued like this for about two years, fucking anything that wanted me and then writing the location down in my book. It wasn't to brag, honestly, it was to prove that I had actually been in these places and that for one moment, I had been totally out of my father's image. These women had no idea whom I was, what I was and what I was feeling. It was a release, something that we both craved and something that when finished was over. It wasn't anything that was for life. But I am a man of my word. I didn't want to leave forever. And so with very little or no notice I left the paper and I went back to my father. No words were spoken. Just one day I showed up and the next morning I was going off to work with my father as a lawyer for his business. And then I moved to Charmander even though I still take some of my father's accounts. All my life I have never chose a path I took except for those two years. I never allowed myself to go out on my own path and be the man that I want to be. I just became my father's shadow. And now that is all I have to hold onto."
What can you say to that? Obviously this realization has been brewing inside him and bursting to come out. Or else he wouldn't have told me, right? Obviously it is because he has been silent for so many years that he finally had to tell someone and it just happened to be me.
"What would you do then, Sess, if you could choose your own destiny?" The hands that clutched my own under the table stiffened a little and then gripped my own tightly. The other hand of mine sat idly by my thigh, hovering in action, wondering what to do with such an intense look in his golden orbs and his almost desperate clutching of a hand that was beginning to loose color and feeling.
"I would start a family. And I would have a wife who loved me for who I am and not because of my face or my money. We would buy some cottage by the sea and we would work together doing whatever suited us." He looked amazingly wistful for a moment and then he cleared his throat and the desperate clutching ceased and he withdrew his hands entirely. "I know it seems a bit naff, but honestly, that is what I would do. I don't care what anyone thinks." He then resembled a pouting schoolboy but he was doing it in such a mocking manner that I had to laugh anyways.
"God, Sess, that is a wonderful dream. Sounds like something I would do if I had enough money and a man to settle down with. If Inu never finds someone I wonder if he would mind doing it with me…" he was the person that I felt most comfortable with. So why couldn't I live with him and just be comfortable for the rest of my life?
"Could you really do that, Kagome, could you? Could you sit there and live your life with a man who cannot possibly love you back? Could you live your life without love and passion and someone who is your other half? Could you live happily with Inuyasha knowing that you could have passed up the opportunity for even truer happiness than friendship?"
Where did that come from? I was just sitting here thinking of a very nice fantasy when he has to come in here and totally steamroll it. And who the hell was he to be so suddenly knowledgeable in the ways of love? This man who has had more sex than there are numbers to count the times! And he blames me for spending a life in happy friendship giving up on love! Honestly, I have never been so insulted.
"Well, since you know me so well you should have foreseen this coming. Thank you for the dinner but I am going home." I got up to leave but I didn't miss the look of complete surprise and shock that was upon Sesshomaru's face before he was running behind me to catch up. I trounced out the door with him in hot pursuit and I idly wondered if he even paid the bill. Well, they maitre d was "intimate" with him; I'm sure so it would be taken care of.
"Kagome, wait." I kept on going. I found myself crossing the street and going into the park. There was a continuing border around the foliage and I had the distinct urge to balance on them. It was one of those memories of childhood that I had; walking along these like they were some sort of balance beam and my daddy would be holding my hand just in case I did loose my balance. I would smile and do little tricks like hop or skip or something. That was the thing I hated most about growing up. You had to just stop doing these childish things because they weren't what were expected of you anymore. Your natural curiosity about life and everything on this earth had to be stopped once you hit the rip old age of eighteen and I hated it. I hated the fact that I couldn't balance on these damn things and I was going to do it now because, gosh darn it, I wanted to! So with Sesshomaru hot on my tail I took a detour and started to balance myself on the side of the fountain that found itself in front of me at the moment. Pools of water splashed out of the side where I saw a crack in the fountain's wall. Making sure to be extra careful, I walked just passed the crack when I felt someone right behind me. And then it happened. It was like the movies, all in slow motion. I turn and my hair whips across Sesshomaru's face mid step, causing him to loose his balance. Down he goes into the puddle and I just had to laugh. Making sure to safely step off the wall of the fountain I assess the damage: Armani pants permanently ruined, one leather loafer from Kenneth Cole and an Armani sports coat that was very sharp on him. I think it might have been his favorite. And I can't help it. I laugh even more.
"What were you doing on the fountain with me?" I manage to spit out between giggles.
"I was trying to catch up to you." I continue to giggle incessantly. I believe I even spout pigtails and braces for I begin to resemble a schoolgirl. "Stop laughing at me! It was all very confusing." I laugh even harder so it is far too late to fight back when he has pulled me down into the puddle as well. "Much better," he murmurs and I turn, for his face is far too close to my ear for my liking. And turning doesn't make it better, for I just bring my face inevitably closer to his.
And just like that we are kissing. It isn't a romantic, sweep you off your feet kiss, but a friendly, reassuring kiss. But hell, in the history of my kisses, Sesshomaru ranks to pretty much the top of the list. He is gentle and caring and even though we are kissing I still cannot imagine going to bed with this man. Well, yes, the thought does cross my mind, but not before I stop myself and pause. Him, wanting to bed me? Yeah right. Then I pretty much loose that thought when he slips his tongue into my mouth and he tastes me for the first time. I open my eyes and I realize that his eyes are closed. Well, he is just a little too serious for me! And I take a sopping handful of water and splash it in his face.
"Taking advantage of a woman in need of assistance, Sesshomaru? I never thought that was your style." He groaned slightly and then answered,
"Oh, anything is my style if it has to do with you, baby." And I can't help it. It sets me off into giggle mode again.
Finally the pair of us make it back to his car but he opts for taking a cab since we are both disgustingly wet. We pull up in front of my apartment and there is no question of asking him up for coffee because he is just my friend. He is, honestly.
"Bye Sess, I'll see you later." He pulls me in for another open mouthed kiss and I cannot help that I laugh into this one. He is just totally asking for it. "Goodness, don't get too attached to my mouth, okay?" He smiles tenderly at me and as I walk back to my steps he shouts,
"I already am…" and with that the driver leaves, taking the enigma that is Sesshomaru out of my sight. What a strange and interesting night.
Blah. I am at my mother's right now and I am so bored that the best I can come up with is thinking about socks. Well, Martin is here and he isn't speaking to me because Mother hasn't come back from the store yet to get the bagels. Goodness, every other morning she is here on time. But socks…
8/23/03
9:23 a.m.
Socks! When I think of socks, a warm fuzzy feeling seizes my whole entire being—literally. Not only is it aesthetically pleasing to find someone wearing socks, I go a step further: it completes me. As my childhood dream was to become the sock fairy, the mere mention of socks makes my heart skip…a beat. It is not a lie when I say that socks—yes, socks—give my life meaning.
Now, I know what you are thinking. And you are right. I know you are thinking, "Kagome, the sock fairy isn't real, it is just your parents!" But I do not concur with this news. The sock fairy is the bastard child of the earth, no one wanting to claim credit or association. But I, I stand alone! The sock fairy is real! I know that socks aren't the "hip" thing to do these days (everyone is more into gloves these days—that premaddona won't know what hit her when the sock fairy comes to town!)
The underlying message: socks are my life. Life is my socks. Just socks and maybe, just maybe you will catch a glimpse of the meaning of my life. I mean honestly, there are just so many to choose from; ankle, mid-ankle, tube, toe socks, tennis, soccer, volleyball socks. The list goes on and on. Frankly, I do not understand sock heads (i.e. sock haters) but life goes on. It's a sock, sock, sock, sock, sock world. (Reference to it's a mad…etc. world.)…
Well, I do crack myself up sometimes. But my mother interrupted my thoughts when she burst through the door in complete tears. Martin rushed to her side and then brought her into the bedroom. What do I do? Did something happen to her? Is there something wrong? Martin comes back into the room and quietly leads me into the study.
"It has been happening a lot lately, Kagome. I don't know, maybe she is just depressed or something. But she will get better, I promise. I think it would be best if you went home, she requested that. I don't think she wants you to see her like this."
I thank Martin and leave the house of my childhood, my tail between my legs like I don't belong there. I can't believe I have been worrying over Inuyasha all these weeks and I haven't even noticed my mother's strange behavior. How she forgets things more easily. How she gets more irritable. How her moods change so quickly. But I didn't notice because my friend was going to France. My own mother. I go home and there is a message from Sesshomaru asking if I want to go out again tonight but I ignore it. Tonight is going to be slouching on the couch night and feeling slightly depressed myself. I am going to ring Sango and ask if she wants to come over and have a binge with me like we used to in college. But Sango can't do it and just as I put the phone down it rings again. It's Inuyasha.
"Hello darling, how are you?" I don't want to ruin his trip so I try to sound happy.
"Fine, how is your holiday going?"
"Oh Kagome, it is unbelievable. I am meeting the most amazing people and just spending all this time doing things that I want to do. I haven't even been here for more than a couple of hours and I am already dying to go out and discover the city. I ate dinner with these men who have the apartment next to me and they are just gorgeous…"
And I can't help it, but I fade out. I lie back down on my couch and sulk because Inu is having a wonderful time and I am sitting her being jealous of him and of everyone he meets. And I am doing this when my mother is possibly sick. God, I feel so stupid. I want to talk to him and usually I would have but I don't want to ruin his good mood. I just want to be alone so mid rant I tell Inu that I would call him later and then hang up and disconnect my phone.
"Tonight is for you, mommy," I say, helping myself to a bottle of red wine. "Tonight is for you…" and then I vaguely remember crawling into bed about dawn totally drunk and without a care in the world. And I have to admit that Sesshomaru's now deleted phone message and his recent smooch attack is the last thing on my mind.