Chapter four – Can't hide forever
Sirius went to bed a little while after Remus. No one seemed to have noticed that he was talking about Remus when he made his little comment and many asked: "Who's the lucky girl?" He had never felt this way for a girl and began to wonder whether he had always been gay.
He had always been close friends with Remus but Sirius had never dreamed of the fact that someday, he would feel like this about him. As he slipped into his four poster bed, he looked over at Remus and whispered into the darkness. "If only you knew". Then he closed his eyes and drifted off into a deep sleep.
The next morning, Remus woke up to an empty dorm room. 'That's strange' he thought to himself. 'I'm never the last one to wake up'. He had a quick wash and dressed himself in normal clothes because it was a Saturday.
He walked down the stairs to the Great Hall deep in thought. His mind travelled back to last night during the truth or dare game. Unaware to everyone downstairs, Remus had waited and listened to the game. He heard Lily ask Sirius if he likes anyone and heard his reply of: "I'm not sure but I think I'm beginning to".
Those nine words tore into Remus' heart and soul. How could Sirius like someone else? He stood no chance now, not that he ever did before. Sirius liked a girl. Who? Remus didn't know. Everyone had asked Sirius who the lucky girl was but Sirius wouldn't say. After that, Remus had had enough and ran upstairs to cry himself to sleep.
He may not have admitted it until now but Remus knew he had feelings for Sirius. Deep, uncontrollable feelings that Remus couldn't understand. He had never felt this way about anyone and it was all very new to him. Being a werewolf had made Remus very lonely and he didn't think anyone could ever love him. Remus had accepted that but now that he liked Sirius, he wasn't sure how he felt anymore.
"Hey Moony" James said cheerfully when Remus took his seat at the Gryffindor table. "Are you ok? Your eyes look awfully red" Peter asked with concern. "I'm fine, I just didn't sleep very well" Remus replied. "Are you worried about the full moon?" James asked in an undertone so only Remus and Peter could hear. "Yeah" Remus said. He wasn't completely lying, he was worried about the full moon but he was more worried about his feelings for Sirius.
"Hang on" Remus said, realising something. "Where is Sirius? He wasn't in bed". "I thought he was with you. He must of just gone for a walk or something" James replied, then he smiled. "Did you know he likes someone? He won't say who though" James said. "Oh" Remus said, trying to sound surprised. He felt a lump forming in his throat and his eyes were prickling.
"Are you ok?" James asked Remus. "Yeah, I'm fine" Remus managed to say. "Oh! There's Sirius" Peter said. Sirius walked over and sat next to James. "Hi" he said, but the usual cheerful tone in his voice wasn't there. "Hey Sirius" James replied.
The four of them ate their breakfast, talking happily. Remus and Sirius kept looking up at each other but they didn't meet each others gaze. "What do you want to do today?" James asked the others. "Quidditch?" Sirius suggested with a wide smile which made Remus' heart melt. "Ok, we can use apples as Quaffles" James replied.
"I don't think I'll join you" Remus said, looking at the table. "Why? You always used to like coming and watching. You even have a go yourself sometimes!" Sirius said. "I don't really feel up to it today" Remus murmured, standing up. "See you guys later" he added and he left the Great Hall.
James, Sirius and Peter watched his retreating back leaving and they seemed quite puzzled. Sirius couldn't help but wonder that there was something bothering Remus. He seemed so unhappy and when Remus was unhappy, Sirius felt the same.
"I'm sure he's fine" James said, answering everyone's thoughts. "Yeah" Sirius replied, still unsure. "Let's go and play Quidditch" he added, but he didn't seem as excited about playing as he had before. The three of them left and went to collect their brooms from their common room, Remus wasn't there.
They made their way to the grounds and Sirius and James rose into the air whilst Peter took a seat in the stands and began watching them. Sirius loved the feeling of flying again with the wind blowing his dark hair, but he couldn't help but feel empty inside. Remus always used to watch them when they did this, what had changed?
Remus made his way to the library to catch up on a bit of reading. Sitting at one of the tables, he saw Severus deeply engrossed in a book. Remus was never the one to hold grudges even though he should after the way Severus had talked to him. He walked over to him anyway and took a seat near him.
"Hello Severus" he said cheerfully. Severus looked up from the book he was reading and seemed quite surprised to see Remus there. "Not with your friends I see?" Severus stated in a toneless voice. "They've gone to play Quidditch" Remus replied. "What are you reading?" he added.
"An advanced guide to potions" Severus replied. "Sounds fascinating. You must really like potions then?" Remus asked. "Yes, as a matter of fact I do. I'm considering becoming a teacher of potions when I leave school" he said. Remus smiled warmly at him and Severus suddenly became uncomfortable.
"I'd better go now. I have other things to do" Severus said, standing. "Ok, goodbye Severus" Remus said brightly. "Bye" he said meekly and with the last swish of his cloak, he was gone.
Severus walked along the corridor suddenly feeling very happy. Remus had actually spoken to him, as a person. He wasn't nasty to him, he didn't turn him yellow. He actually had a real conversation with him. That was one of the reasons why Severus liked Remus so much, he wasn't like his friends.
'I can't carry on liking him' he thought to himself. 'What would my mother and father say if they knew I had feelings for a half-breed who happens to be male? They would disown me if they knew I was gay. They have always wanted me to find a nice pure blood witch to settle down with. I can't let anyone find out about this… Ever'.
Once Sirius and James had decided they had done enough flying for the day, the three of them went to the Great Hall for some lunch. "There you are Remus" James said, taking a seat opposite him. Peter sat next to James and Sirius was about to sit next to Remus when he had a weird feeling.
"Um, I just remembered that I've left something which I'll need in the common room. See you later!" he said and he was off. Sirius felt very stupid doing that but being that close to Remus was unbearable. 'Why does he make me feel this way?' Sirius asked himself. 'If I keep acting this way though, someone will figure it out'.
Sirius laughed at himself and turned back in the direction of the Great Hall. But because he turned so quickly, he didn't notice the person behind him. He bumped into them and they fell onto the floor. Sirius looked down and blushed when he saw Remus.
"Sorry" he muttered, holding out his hand. Remus took it and was pulled to his feet. They found themselves extremely close to each other and became very awkward. "There you are!" a voice said from behind them and they jumped away from each other.
They turned and saw that the voice belonged to James. Peter was staring into space and James was looking curiously at them both. Sirius and Remus both blushed a dark shade of red which caused James to be even more confused. "Are you coming with Peter and me? We're going down near the lake" James asked.
"Ok" Remus replied. Sirius felt very awkward and said: "I'll meet you three there later. I'm going to get something to eat first" Sirius said. "Oh, did you get the thing you wanted from your room?" James asked. "What thing?" Sirius said without thinking.
"Sirius what's-" James began but Sirius cut him off. "Sorry, I really have to go. I'm starving" Sirius said and then he left. Sirius went to the Great Hall to eat whilst Remus, James and Peter went to the lake.
"Is there something you and Sirius aren't telling us?" James asked Remus. "No, course not" Remus said, feeling very awkward once again. "Ok…" James said, still sounding unsure.
Sirius met them there a while later but sat quite far away from Remus. They stayed there talking until they decided to go back to the common room before dinner.
"You two go ahead. I just want to speak to Sirius for a second" James said to Remus and Peter. When they had both left, James turned to Sirius. "I asked Remus this earlier but he didn't give me a truthful answer. Sirius, is there something you two are keeping from me and Peter?" James asked seriously. Sirius looked at him and knew there was no point lying to him. He could see through anyone's lies.
"Ok, there is but it's more to do with me than Remus. I don't know why he's acting different" Sirius said. James motioned for Sirius and him to sit down, which they did. "Ok, what is it?" James asked. "Um…" Sirius said, wondering where to begin.
"For a little while now, I've kind of um, had um, feelings for…" Sirius said. "Who?" James asked curiously. "Remus" Sirius said quietly. James was quiet for a moment then said: "I thought there was something like that going on between you two". Sirius looked up, surprised.
"You did? Why didn't you say anything?" Sirius asked. "I'm not sure. I wanted one of you to tell me yourselves" James replied. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I wasn't too sure of my feelings until now" Sirius said, staring at the floor.
"It's ok mate. But you know what you have to do now?" James said. Sirius looked up curiously and shook his head. "You have to tell him" James said. "What?!" Sirius replied, shocked. "Tell him! How can I tell him? He'd reject me!" he said. "You won't know that until you try. You have to tell him" James said.
"Bit rich coming from you. You won't tell Lily how you feel so why should I tell Remus?" Sirius asked. "Good point. Ok Sirius, I'll make a deal with you. I tell Lily how I feel then you have to tell Remus how you feel" James replied smugly. "Ok" Sirius said, standing when James did and shaking his hand. "Deal"
"Good" James replied, smiling. "Let's go to dinner now" he added. Sirius' smile fell though when James wasn't looking. His face turned slightly white when he realised what he would have to do.
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A/N: Another chapter finished, yay me! Thank you to everyone for reviewing and please carry on!