Hi everyone. I have been so busy and this took me long enough to write as it is. I think this is a pretty pivotal chapter. But something tragic happens in the next chapter, so just wait! I hope you enjoy this next installment and don't forget to write!

Read and Enjoy,

-MC

P.S. Thank you for the reviews, I love the support!  And I dedicate this chapter to Bruka-chan, who is my new beta and motivates me to keep writing.  Striking Falcon and Suppis Tenshi are in the mix too.  I love you all! 

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11/3/02

6:20 p.m.

I never really liked to believe in the make believe, but there was nothing that could be done. I was just lost in the fantasy that my knight in shining armor would come, riding on his white horse and swooping me up into his arms and just escaping away with me while battling dragons and the like with his mighty sword. I wanted to be rescued, loved and cherished for what I was and for the mere fact that I deserved to be saved from whatever fate an evil witch or wizard deemed necessary for me as I sat alone in the dark, dank cave of my existence. I wanted the knight to kiss me and awake me from the dream that is my life so I can finally start living life as it was meant to be; with love and light and happiness and lots of stupid pathetic thoughts that made me want to melt if I was really honest with myself. I wanted the fairytale, the whirlwind romance, the end all be all, the lovely love that meant everything to you and most likely ended in your lover dying if it was to be some cheesy romance book or something. I hated that. Why read depressing literature, life is honestly depressing enough? But when your reality becomes that of a book, what can you do to get yourself out of the illusion? When do you get to the point where enough is enough and you realize life isn't a book and life isn't a fairytale? When do you realize that all men are not going to sit there and sweep you off your feet and then slay all the demons you have coming in your life—and even in your past as well? When do you get to the point where you realize that nothing is as it seems and it isn't some cheesy reference to some governmental cover-up thriller? Or what is the "take home message" as one of my monotone college professor's once asked? What can we conclude from this mode of thinking, that life is not really what you want it to be, it isn't the dream that you grow up on and base your whole childhood upon. What do you do when the final shreds of your innocence are discarded in the realms of adulthood and you must admit to yourself that knights on gallant steeds and princesses imprisoned in towers and even true love is just a figment of your imagination; a fantasy, something that has no sway in the real word? What do you do when the world as you knew it crumbles before you and all that you have left is the notion that you once believed in a beautiful thing like love but now you've become so cynical that you are afraid you might never find the passion and desire, the love and the comfort, the pain and the rapture of true and unending love? And then you have to ask yourself the question; what really is life, and conversely, what are dreams? Are we simply living a perpetual dream that we can never wake up from, or are we living in the real world, living as people who are sentient and able to feel? What is life anyways? And why are we made to experience the devastation, the feelings, the pain and the exquisite torture of what life really may be, if this world is even the real world?

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I hung up the phone with Inu and I just sat down on the edge of the bed with my back to the sex god still on my floor. The mood of earlier was gone…I didn't really know what to do with it. I pulled on my button-up sweater and clothed myself again. He was still there, breathing heavily, but not moving, quiet like as usual. And then there was the rustle of clothes and I didn't turn back to see if he was putting back on his clothes or not because I knew. He was leaving me, now that I had Inuyasha. He was leaving me just like all the other men left me. I don't know if I could handle that. My head screamed that I didn't need him, that he was simply a distraction, an unnecessary part of my life but the tightening in my stomach at the thought of him not near me hurt more than my mind could comprehend. What was going on?

"Sesshomaru, I—"

"Shhh." He brought his finger to my mouth and traced my lips. He scooted me back on the bed and then straddled me, not resting any weight on me, but still above me, hovering almost. Seeing him without his shirt on, visible bites and red marks on his neck and chest made me a little sick. As he leaned in to kiss me, it felt wrong, unnaturally wrong. It felt like I was using him, using him for comfort in this sexual way, and that even though he might be using me—I couldn't drop the feeling that he had some investment in this "relationship" that I didn't quite understand. But he kissed me so tenderly, so gently that my lips had to brush over his slowly as well, quivering from the minute contact. I felt unusually hesitant, wanting to be held by him—without the inevitable sex that either came after or before the holding. He started to unbutton my sweater again, kissing the skin as it was revealed to him. When he reached the top of my bra he paused and then spoke.

"What are…we…going to tell…Inuyasha?" He said through unbuttoning my blouse and alternately kissing my skin.

"Tell Inuyasha about what?" He stopped kissing and looked up, golden eyes connecting with mine.

"About…about us," he said earnestly and something lurched in my stomach again. That took me by surprise. What was I going to tell Inuyasha? Nothing, most likely. Isn't that what he wanted too?

"Do you think there is anything to tell?" And then I saw it. The most emotion I ever received from him before. His eyes narrowed and yet it wasn't from anger, it seemed to be deep contemplation and if I didn't know better (which I did) I would have thought tears were threatening to fall.

"You're right. What would there be to tell? What was I thinking?" He silently closed my blouse and delivered a swift kiss to my lips before he dragged on his dress shirt. "I have to go do something at the office…but I will talk…to you later. Bye, Kagome." And as he left me this time, without another glance I somehow felt it was like he was closing the proverbial door to something I should have left open.

He didn't come back that night after work or whatever it was he was really doing. It hurt, a little, you know, it really did. I mean, it shouldn't have hurt because of the simple fact he didn't ALWAYS sleep over and that Inu was here now and I could give up this little stupid thing with Sess, right? However, with everything going on around me with my mother and with my strange feelings towards everything it felt like he was leaving me alone, alone to face the world. Just like my father did and my mother was doing now. I guess, even though I could never admit it to myself when we were together, was the simple, simple mad truth that I needed him now. And that scared me.

After a couple of days I holed myself up in my house and didn't do much else than read or write or something to that extent. It felt as if we had broken up, even though we were never together in the first place and he hadn't even come over to get all his stuff back. I never cried though, just wondered when my apartment began to feel too big without him there. And that scared me too.

I dressed slowly and carefully, I was going out with Inu today and I didn't want him to think anything was wrong, even though I am sure he could tell. I would act though, better than I have ever acted before. I'll put on my mask, my mask of happiness that was dragged out on occasions such as these (and if I am totally honest it was usually brought to work with me) and then used and discarded back into the closet. For a long while that mask was the only thing that kept me going in life, the only constant, the only thing that helped me survive the excruciating torture and madness of the world. The mask was worn out in places, old and patched where the chinks of happiness had to break and my unhappiness and depression inevitably came through. The mask that allowed me to face each and every day with a smile plastered on my face; the mask that was my undoing…when I finally let my feelings show for once.

After I took a quick shower (my dressing slowly and carefully wasn't working out at the moment) I checked the message machine, for it was blinking annoyingly at me in a bright manner. Now, I know that it's not really possible for a machine to be bright, but for personification's sake, let it be so.

Hey Kagome, it's Sesshomaru. My heart thudded. I just wanted to ask if you could bring over my Public Health Law: Power, Duty and Restraint book to work for me. I forgot I needed it on a case I'm working on. I know you're going out soon but if you could drop it off before you left I would really appreciate it. See you later. And the beep sounded.

The ever-dreaded "see you later." Did that mean what I thought it meant? True, he wasn't going to take EVERY book he had here and if I went to the office I would potentially—stop it Kagome! This is just pathetic! Honestly, I need to just get over this. I dressed quickly and ran out the door, book in hand.

At the office I found myself glancing at every woman I could see, to see if I could see the woman that Sesshomaru loved—like she would just pop out at me with a sign or something. I glanced around again and I couldn't help myself but I started to wonder who the woman was, if she was in the room at this moment, if she was present. I wanted to know the woman that held his heart in her hands so I could laugh at her and say that she didn't know what she had when she had it. That I had him and she was just left in the dust. I wanted to say that—but I knew it was untrue. I knew that I didn't have him. I knew that his heart was still with someone else and all that I had of him was his sexual prowess from time to time. I didn't love him either, but the thought hurt at the same time that I couldn't have him. That I couldn't be wrapped up in someone else's love. I think that if he loved me back that I could grow to love him. That perhaps I could eventually love this man. But just like Inuyasha it would never happen. Strange, though, that I seem to have these intimate relationships with these brothers. It makes it seem kind of pervy, but I didn't do it on purpose. I just…stumbled across it. Or perhaps I broke a glass bottle and then bled all over it. But then I wondered that if I loved Sesshomaru, after I have loved Inuyasha for so long—wouldn't it be like how Inuyasha loves me now? I mean, besides the sex part—wouldn't it just be like me settling for second best, or for me just loving him as a friend, as a replacement Inuyasha? Wouldn't it be like Sesshomaru was the runner-up prize? And that, sadly enough, was the bottom line. That, folks, is what I truly felt like when I was with Inuyasha, if I admitted it to myself. I was simply a "runner-up princess" in the words of my dear friend of old, Kathleen. Inuyasha didn't really want me, but he had to deal with me because I loved him. Would that be how it would be with Sesshomaru? That I would deal with his love because he loved me and I liked the emotion that it gave me to think and know that someone loved me? Would I be capable of that?

I shook off those feelings as I made it to his office that he wasn't in. I dropped off the book, suddenly wanting to be away from him, all my mixed emotions frightening me. I needed him, I wanted him, but did I feel something for him other than what I felt for…for a friend? I didn't want to run into him right now because I wasn't sure if I would squelch the urge to kiss him or shout at him or cry on his shoulder and grasp his long hair in my tiny fists so I could bring him closer to me. It was all I could do to leave his office without breaking down on his plush couch, snuggling up and then falling asleep with his comforting smell surrounding me and permeating my very being. I hated that growing up meant you couldn't give into the urges that would make you so comforted…

9/21/02

3:07 a.m.

What does it mean that you are "grown up"? I mean, does it mean when you are twenty one, allowed to do anything legal and you are an adult in the total eyes of the law? Is it when you are finally the immortal age of eighteen and life is good and filled with cigarettes and clubbing? What does "grown up" really mean? Is it not even defined as an age anymore but as something that you can physically do? Is it a time when you can do things like dress yourself and make your own breakfast, brush your own teeth, take your own shower? Is it a time when you can pack your own suitcase when you go away or is it the mere fact that you are going away on a trip itself? What defines the term? Honestly, what can we say about the "grown up" issue? Why is it that the young strive and stamp their feet and scream "I AM GROWN UP!" and adults sit there and whisper "why am I so old?" What is really going on here? I mean, I wanted to be young forever, growing up scared me, being thirty scared me, the future scared me, death scared me. What does it mean when you don't WANT to grow up? Is there something wrong with the young person when they don't want to be older or something? Does it mean that I was stunted in my youth that I simply wanted to stay in my fairy land and never wake up in the real world? And conversely…what is the real world? What is this world that is big and bad and makes you cynical and bitter…wishing for the old times? What is this? Why when we "grow up" do we forget to believe in Santa, the tooth fairy, the Easter bunny? Why do we disrespect our parents and try to rebel against society? And is it weird that you DON'T have these feelings—that you don't want to be a rebel or an illegal substance user? Are you missing out on something? Or is it just that you don't need to do those things? What type of childhood do you have to have to experience this…this…lack of desire to drink, do drugs and have group sex? I just don't understand. When do you grow up and realize that life is just a short time…that your individual life means nothing in the grand scheme of things? And do you regain the innocence you lost in your childhood and remember that the micro is all that matters?

"My darling, you look quite hideous and thin, what have you been doing while I've been gone?" There goes my fucking happy mask.

"Hi to you too Inu," I mumbled as we embraced, half of my brain not registering that I was pulling him closer and breathing in his scent that I missed so much. I couldn't even explain it but he smelled like the wind on a summer day, something that reminded me of good times and memories, happy moments and experiences that didn't stem from depressing events. And it was true, since my mother was ill I hadn't really had the urge to eat anything and Sango hadn't come over with her recipes to cheer me up yet. I hadn't told her about my mother. For some reason I was embarrassed. Embarrassed that my mother currently didn't even know where she was half the time nonetheless what drugs she took and what weird things she did whenever I saw her. The visits with her became annoyances. She wasn't getting better and the doctors were running out of drugs that they could give her. They were running out of procedures and running up the hospital bill. I cringe to think what this would cost.

"So, aren't you going to tell me about what you did without me? Obviously not eat, but what else did you do? And are you even going to ask how my trip was? I mean, that is something that I am just dying to tell you!" He seemed to ramble on and I gave him a dark look through the curtain of my hair. What the fuck did he think I did? My mother was…I couldn't even say it anymore. She was just…there. "Paris was just wonderful, Kagome. I bought you all these lovely clothes although I'm not sure they'll fit now since you've lost so much weight, I mean, it has just about transformed you. I mean, did you diet or something? You would just look perfect if you got a new wardrobe and if I could just get you to redo your hair I think it would compliment your weight loss…" Its amazing that the thing I have wanted to do my entire life, to lose this weight, was the thing that I least cared about at the moment. I didn't care if I frickin looked like Marilyn Monroe, I had other stuff to deal with. "Are you even listening to me? I mean, come on, dearest, what is wrong with you, you have hardly said anything! I mean, it kind of makes me feel a little neglected—"

I lost it. "Neglected? YOU feel neglected when you just spent all this time in Paris, France on your FATHER'S money and left me here to deal with MY MOTHER going clinically insane? And all you can do is sit here and talk about yourself when I don't give a shit about anything you did, I have too much to deal with! Gosh, Inu, you always do this, you always make the attention go on you and forget about anyone else's feelings! No wonder why I enjoyed being with him this whole time, he actually listened to me unlike you! And stop trying to change me into some model or something! Find someone else to dress up like your own personal Barbie! I can't stand you anymore!" I finished, raging. Once I got started I couldn't stop. And half the things I said I didn't even realize annoyed me and disturbed me until now. Why was this happening? I never had a problem with Inuyasha until now. But I was too enraged to think straight and I got up from the table we were seated at and left him, unable to stay any longer. As I huffed back to my car I almost ran over a person on the street.

"Oh…I'm so—" Holy shit…it was Hiten. And he looked gorgeous, as usual. Time hadn't changed him for the worse, his young features blossoming into a devastating boyish attractiveness that I couldn't help but admire.

"What? Oh, watch where you're going" He muttered as he brought his eyes up to me. And for the first time I caught his eyes giving me an appreciative glance over as well and I couldn't help but notice that his scowl turned into a smile. Did he perhaps recognize me? "Well, you can run into me anytime," he whispered huskily and I shivered, but not from being aroused. I was actually a little freaked out.

"How are you?" I smiled, though, still unable to believe that I actually ran into him—literally. He smiled back at me again and I didn't enjoy the jolt that went through my stomach at the flash of his white teeth.

"I'm just fine, especially with you here talking to me…" He eyed me again and I didn't understand what he saw that was so attractive. I was just wearing Sesshomaru's mother's dress again, I don't even know why I threw this on but I did and here I was, being leered at by someone who I thought I wanted.

"You have no idea who I am, do you?" I asked, putting my hands on my hips.

"I know I would have remembered someone like you, but no, I don't." I gave him one last look and remembered the dreams that I had for him. I remembered everything that I thought we could have been and I felt disgusted. I guess I was so disillusioned by him, what was I thinking? I hate men like that. I hate men who think they're the shit. What was I thinking? And with that I left him standing there with his mouth hanging open. I didn't need that.

I crawled in bed once I got home and slept fitfully for about three hours, thinking and trying to wonder what was really going on.

1/16/94

2:43 p.m.

The Unwanted Wish

One day a depressed turtle was running as fast as he could, trying to get home before the storm. A lion came bounding past him. The turtle said, "I wish I had strong powerful legs like that lion."

All of a sudden the turtle had long legs like Lion. He started running home. Then rabbit when bouncing by. The turtle said, "I wish I had ears like Rabbit's." Right after he said that he got the beautiful ears Rabbit had. The turtle said, "Now I can hear just as well as I run!"

Then Hawk flew by. The turtle said, "I wish I had wings like Hawk."

Just as the two other wishes came true, the turtle got his wings just like Hawk's. The turtle started home again without a care in the world. The next morning the turtle ran out of the house to show the new him to his friends. When he saw Lion he didn't have his long legs anymore. In their place were the turtle's short and stubby legs. The turtle ran off to tell Rabbit when he saw Rabbit's ears were replaced by the turtle's simple ears. The turtle again ran away to go find Hawk. Of course when the turtle found Hawk she didn't have her wings, only the turtle's shell. The turtle ran away to try out the new him. When the turtle tried his legs, he found they were too big for his liking. When the turtle tried his new ears he heard a deafening sound that was too loud for comfort. Then when the turtle finally tried his wings he saw that when he tried to fly he only fell. The turtle went to talk to his friends about switching back. Lion said,

"I like my new legs because now I can be in pace with my friends."

Rabbit said, "I like my new ears because now I won't be woken up by a caterpillar turning over."

Then Hawk said, "I like my new shell because now I am closer to my friends on the ground and can hear what they are saying."

After the discussion the turtle ran home to think about his selfish wish.

The moral is:

Be careful what you wish,

It may not be what you bargained for.

Be careful what you wish for. Didn't I wish for something special with Hiten? Did I wish for something special with Inuyasha? Didn't I wish to be thin and wanted? Did I wish that I could have a better life? Didn't I wish all these things? Wishes were overrated.

However, my old feelings prevailed and I really knew that I needed to go apologize to Inuyasha and talk to him about everything. I hadn't really been all that nice and welcoming this afternoon. What was I doing? Who am I to do these things? I never used to question him. I used to just take everything in stride. What did this mean? Did this mean that I was perhaps…falling out of love…with him?

Upon arriving to the house I was let into the entry hall by some servant I never met before. Thank goodness, Jaken wasn't here. I didn't need to see HIM ever again, especially after that little escapade with the towel. Never going to live that one down.

I wandered the halls, passing the wings that Inu never visited and finding myself near Sesshomaru's side of the house. From a partially open door I heard something going on, a light coming through the crack. My curiosity got the best of me and I went to investigate.

"Stop doing this to her, to us!" Sesshomaru's unmistakable voice sounded from the library. I stopped, curious but a little embarrassed at wanting to overhear his conversation. Was he speaking about his love?

"What am I doing to her? She is my friend! What are you talking about, you prat?" I gasped. That was…Inuyasha.

"What do I mean? You know damn well what I mean. This whole 'dragging her around like a dog on a leash' bit, that's what I mean. The whole 'selfishly leading her on because you like her attention' bit! The whole entire relationship you have with her is a lie, admit it!"

"She is my friend, goddamnit, she doesn't feel that way for me, she stopped when I told—"

"Don't act so naïve, Inuyasha. You've known even before she told you that night so many years ago and you've also known she has never given up on it. Or, if you truly have been as stupid as you claim, do me a favor and get this through your thick skull: she loves you! She hasn't stopped loving you! All she talks about is you! All she wants to be with is you! Don't you get that? She will never love anyone else or move on because of you! She won't even consider—"

"You love her, don't you?" It was as if he spoke it in a whisper but it didn't matter because I was straining my ears to catch every syllable passed between the brothers, all propriety forgotten at this moment.

"What as that got to do with—"

"Just admit that you love her. No wonder you called me from Paris to tell me about her mother. How long have you been seeing her behind my back?"

"It doesn't matter because she isn't yours to keep. It is time you gave her up, Inuyasha. Stop keeping her for your selfish needs and let her go, damn it! Let her love someone that isn't you!"

"What, and give her to you? She is in love with me, how do you expect to win her love after her loving me for so many years?"

"It's become an obsession, not a love. It can be easily broken, but you just have to let her go. Leave her alone, tell her that you can never love her like that and perhaps even add in the fact that you brought home a Frenchie who is staying in your room with you at this very moment."

"I wouldn't tell her about Paul to crush her feelings!"

And then came the really scary part, the truly scary part was at that comment, through the semi-open door, Sesshomaru brought his eyes to mine, and gave me a sudden glance of surprise that quickly melted into a small smirk on his face. He brought his eyes back to Inuyasha and delivered the final blow.

"Too bad. It looks like you just did…"

I didn't stay to see or hear Inuyasha's comment. I ran, out of the house and into the limo that they always had on call with a Chauffer just waiting in the front seat to drive someone anywhere immediately if the need arose. The Kingstons had enough money to actually pay someone to do this. Alone in the car I allowed myself to lose the barely held control I kept while running through the house. Tears streamed down my face as I choked back sobs. How, how could he be so cruel? How could he do to me what I never ever could do to Sesshomaru? How could he simply deal with my love because he selfishly enjoyed my attentions? Like some permanent self-esteem booster? How could he do that to me? And how could Sesshomaru sit there and smile when he found that I had been listening? How could he think that he had won or something?

But worst of all, was I crying because Inuyasha had somehow betrayed me or because…because seeing Sesshomaru there it felt as if I had somehow betrayed him?