Chapter eighteen – Broken Hearted

Sirius decided not to visit Remus that night because he knew how painful it would be to stay with him. He went back to the common room and ignoring James' questions regarding his bloodshot eyes, he went to bed.

Sirius hardly slept at all that night and by the time it got to two o'clock in the morning, he decided to go for a walk to clear his head. He tiptoed over to James' trunk and abstracted the Marauders map and James' invisibility cloak from it.

He wasn't sure how long he wandered around, trapped in his own thoughts but he soon found himself outside the hospital wing. He crept in quietly and went over to Remus' bed. Sirius gazed at Remus' beautiful sleeping form. He felt tears form in his eyes at the mere sight of him.

Sirius bent his head down and kissed Remus' lips softly. "Our last kiss" he whispered to no one but himself. He left after that and returned to the common room. Sirius sat by the fire for a while, lost in doubt and worry over what he had to do tomorrow. Without even realising it, he drifted off to sleep.

The next morning, James woke up earlier than everyone else. He looked at the other beds and saw Tylon and Peter fast asleep. Remus' bed was obviously empty but so was Sirius'…

James rushed down the stairs and was about to leave through the portrait in search of his friend until he heard a small grunt coming from over near the fire place. "Sirius?" James asked warily. Silence. James moved closer and saw Sirius lying stretched out across one of the sofas.

"Wake up" James said, prodding Sirius gently. Silence. "Wake up!" James said much louder than before. Sirius woke up with a start and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. "Hello" he said sleepily before lying back down.

"Why are you sleeping down here?" James asked him. "Couldn't sleep. Went for a walk" Sirius managed to get out. "Oh okay. But why were your eyes bloodshot when you came in last night?" James asked him curiously. Sirius sat up abruptly and looked at his friend.

"Don't worry about that, it doesn't matter" Sirius replied bluntly. "Yes it does, what happened?" James probed. "Please James, just leave it" Sirius said, his dark blues eyes looking pleadingly into James' hazel ones.

James was rather taken aback. He had never seen Sirius look so upset and desperate. 'Something really bad must have happened' James thought to himself. "Ok Padfoot, you better get dressed, breakfast is soon" James said.

Sirius nodded and pulled himself up. He made his way to the stairs but stopped and turned around. "Thanks James, for not asking any more questions" Sirius said to him. "Any time" James replied somewhat worriedly. Sirius turned back and walked up the stairs leaving James standing there feeling rather perplexed.

Sirius had a long shower that morning; trying to wash away any traces of him being utterly depressed. He dressed in his uniform quickly and went back downstairs to go with James to breakfast.

"Is Peter coming?" Sirius asked. "I don't think so" James replied. "I think he's going with Tylon" he added. Sirius nodded and the two boys made their way to the Great Hall. They took their usual seats and were greeted with a lot of variety; toast, cereal, sausages, eggs, bacon etc but Sirius didn't eat a bite and merely had some orange juice.

"Aren't you going to eat anything?" James asked him. "I'm not hungry" Sirius replied. "But you're always hungry" James retorted, but seeing the look in Sirius' eyes he knew not to press the matter further. Peter and Tylon arrived a while later and they too questioned Sirius' lack of food consumption. But James just told them to leave it which Sirius was very grateful for.

The whole morning went by painfully slowly for Sirius. All he could think about was what he had to do this evening and what he could say to Remus to make it seem believable. It took every inch of restrain to not punch Snape whenever he saw him in the corridors. His knowing smirk was enough for Sirius to want to beat him to a pulp, but he knew he couldn't because the consequences would be awful.

James kept giving him puzzled looks but Sirius ignored them. He didn't want James to find out why he was so upset because if Snape found out, many secrets would be revealed.

Remus received a few visitors that day but Sirius didn't come by once. Remus was starting to worry that something was wrong because Sirius visited him every day, even if it was only for five minutes. When James came at lunch to see him, Remus decided to ask if something was going on.

"Um James, do you know why Sirius hasn't visited me today?" Remus asked. James looked a little reluctant to tell Remus about how Sirius was behaving but he knew that Remus deserved the truth.

"Well, he's been acting really weird since he got back last night and I know something's wrong but he won't tell me anything" James replied. "Oh…" Remus said; feeling rather worried. "But I think he mentioned about visiting you tonight" James added quickly, noticing Remus' worried expression.  

Remus smiled slightly and changed the subject. He talked with James for a while until he had to go to his next class. "See you later James, tell Sirius I love him" Remus said. "Okay, bye" James replied, leaving and making his way to History of Magic.

He took his usual seat next to Sirius and Peter and within a few minutes of Professor Binns' talking, most of the class were either asleep or having their own conversations.

"So, I saw Remus at lunch" James said casually to Sirius. Sirius looked up quickly. "Oh, how is he?" Sirius asked.  "He's okay but he was a little curious as to why you haven't visited him all day, but I told him you were seeing him tonight" James said.

"Oh okay" Sirius replied. James couldn't help but notice Sirius' expression saddening at the mention of seeing Remus tonight. "Remus says he loves you" James said to him. Sirius looked utterly destroyed as James said these words and James was scared that Sirius would burst into tears that very second.

"Sirius, what's wrong?" James asked him worriedly. Sirius merely gave James a look that clearly said: 'don't ask' before he raised his hand. "Yes Mr… umm" Professor Binns asked. "Black. Can I be excused for a moment?" Sirius asked. "Yes I suppose so" Binns replied. 

Sirius left the room quickly leaving a confused James watching after him. He leant against a wall outside of the room and breathed deeply, allowing a few tears to flow down his cheeks. Afterwards, he performed a quick spell he had found that morning in the library to make his eyes seem less bloodshot.

He walked back into the room and took his seat next to James. He could feel James' and Peter's eyes on him but he pretended not to notice. Sirius was relieved when the lesson finally came to an end. He went to the Gryffindor common room straight away to avoid his friends' questions.

Eventually, James entered the common room and saw Sirius sitting on one of the chairs, looking deep in thought. "Sirius?" James asked timidly. "Yeah?" Sirius replied tonelessly. "What's bothering you?" James asked him, taking a seat opposite him.

"Nothing" Sirius replied. "Yeah right Sirius! You've been depressed all day and I know you've been crying!" James blurted out. Sirius looked at the floor guiltily. "You're right, something is wrong" Sirius said. "What is it?" James asked.

"I… I'm going to break up with Remus" Sirius said sadly. "WHAT?!" James yelled, obviously confused and upset. "Why on earth would you want to do that!?" He added. "He wants to go public and I don't want to" Sirius replied. James was about to comment on that until he looked at Sirius more closely. He was lying.

"Are you sure that's what it is?" James asked, his eyes narrowing. "You never decided to do this when it came up before" He added. "I know but I don't think it will work out…" Sirius answered. James didn't believe a word of what Sirius said, he could always tell when he was lying. But he decided that if Sirius wanted to tell him the truth, he'd have to do it by himself.

"I think you're crazy but it's your choice" James said. "Thank you, I'm going to do it after dinner" Sirius said, looking as though the world was ending. "Ok" James replied, feeling a little sad.

They stayed in the common room for a while, playing chess and exploding snap until it was time for dinner. Sirius ate nothing again and James was starting to become concerned. "Sirius, please you have to eat something" James pleaded. "I'm not hungry" Sirius replied. "Just a little soup, that's all" James probed. "Fine" Sirius replied, drinking a little bit of soup to stop James' nagging.

Sirius rose from his seat and James grabbed his arm. "You really don't have to do this you know" James whispered. "I know but I need to" Sirius replied before jerking gently out of James' grasp and leaving the Great Hall.

When Sirius arrived at the door of the hospital wing, he really didn't want to enter but he knew he had to. The moment he entered the room, he heard Remus' voice. "Hey Sirius!" Remus said cheerfully. "Hi" Sirius replied desolately, walking over to Remus' bed. Remus noticed Sirius' upset expression and took his hand. "What's wrong, love?" Remus asked worriedly. Sirius felt his heart beating painfully fast as he looked up into Remus' amber eyes. "I… it's… you see… I" Sirius couldn't get the words out. He couldn't tell Remus, the boy he loved more than anything else in the world that their relationship had to end.

He knew he had to though, but he couldn't tell him whilst looking him in the eye so he dropped his gaze. "It's over" Sirius said sadly. "W-what's over, Sirius?" Remus asked fearfully, dreading the worst. "Us Remus, we're over" Sirius replied sorrowfully.

"I'm so sorry" Sirius said, meeting Remus' gaze for a second before looking at the floor again. For that one second, Sirius had never seen Remus look so defeated, so depressed. It reminded him of when Remus told them he was a werewolf, before he knew they would support him. It was a look that clearly meant: I've lost everything.

"B-but why?" Remus choked out. "I know that you want to go public, but I can't do that" Sirius replied. "Please Sirius, I don't care about that. I just want us to be together" Remus pleaded. "But one day you will want to tell everyone" Sirius replied.

"I'm so sorry" Sirius said again painfully before leaving the room. "Sirius! Please come back!" Remus yelled, tears rolling down his cheeks. "Please! I love you!"

Sirius had never felt so awful in his whole life. He had to restrain himself from going back to Remus, blurting out the truth and getting back together with him. "I love you too" Sirius whispered to himself, before crying more than he ever had done in his whole life.

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A/N: Oh it's so horrible!! I'm very sorry about that but I had to do that for the plot. I know Sirius crying like that is out of character but he just lost his Remus so it's understandable. Next chapter should be coming soon!