Say Goodnight, Not Goodbye

by Tirya King

With Sirius finally cleared, Harry is able to move in with his godfather. But life seems to be too good to be true: Sirius is soon declared dead and Harry is ripped away from his whole world.

9. To You I Bestow

A/N:  Hey guys! I have finals coming up in a week and a half so I'll try to get the last part up before then, but no promises.  This is, at least, one step closer.  This chapter is dedicated to Katie who has been waiting for this chapter for a while.  Oh, and I added a few new things if anyone remembers the stuff that was there before.  Look for it!  And please read 'Perfect Love… Gone Wrong.'  I know this is a shameless plug, but I really would like some opinions about it since it's so… unusual.  *sigh*  Well, anyway, here's the fluff that has been rather overdue.

Part 9: To You I Bestow

The next thing Harry was aware of was warmth.  Wherever he was, it was warm and comforting.  Not the searing pain that Javen had kept him in.  He could feel tightness around his wounded areas, and soothing salves on his face, hands, and back where he had been beaten the worst.  Was he dreaming?  Was he really free?  It had seemed so real.  Sirius… he could hear his voice speaking quietly to someone.  It was no dream!  Sirius was really alive!

He forced his eyes to open; even his eyelids hurt!  But he didn't care.  His heart had stopped breaking the moment he remembered what happened.  There was nothing that could stop the smile that spread across his face.  But the pain was not all gone, so he was forced to minimize it.  Sirius grinned for him.

"Morning, Harry," he said softly.  His eyes had bags underneath him and Harry doubted whether he had slept at all since the fight in the cavern.

"Morning," he replied just as softly.  He looked around, "Where am I?"

"St. Mungo's," Sirius responded, "You've been asleep for 2 days."

"Really?  And Javen is really gone?"

Sirius' happy expression died, "Yes.  That's why you were out for so long.  The doctors suspect that you two had a connection of some sort.  A connection that threatened to kill you when Javen died."  The last sentence seemed more like a question. 

"Contiosa Botaya," whispered Harry, "He had complete access to my mind… I thought it was normal for families to do that… He said it would do no harm… "

"No, Harry," Sirius soothed, "Don't be upset.  He deceived us all.  You had no way of knowing."  He traced one of Harry's facial welts carefully and Harry could swear he saw tears shining in the man's normally bright sapphire eyes.

"Did the doctors look at you, too?" asked Harry, noting Sirius' bruises.

"I'm fine," Sirius said absently.  He tried to smile through the tears in his eyes. "You should stop your habit of worrying about me.  You're all that's important right now."

Harry flinched underneath Sirius' gentle hand at those words.  Sirius guessed it was because of all the pain that he must be going through.  He had been abused in so many ways and on so many levels… how could he earn the boy's trust after this?

"I'm so sorry this had to happen to you," he said, pleading with him. "And I promise that I will never ever hurt you.  You have no reason to be afraid.  I promise that I will never make you cry."

Harry alleviated his fears at once, "I'm not afraid of you, Sirius.  You're the only one I want for a father.  No one else.  Even before Javen hurt me, I thought of you whenever I called him 'Father'.  I know you would never hurt me.  It's just… "

"I know.  You've been hurt and it will take time to heal… "

"No, you don't understand!  It's me.  When I was with Javen… I did things and I felt things… "

"You're worried that you've become tainted by Dark Magic in some way?" Sirius asked, realizing where Harry's fears came from.  The boy nodded, refusing to look him in the eyes.  Sirius shook his head, taking Harry's hand gently.

"If you were already so into the Dark Arts, how could you have fought against it and endured so much for the Light's sake?"  He could feel the moment Harry's mind was set to rest as he relaxed in his white bed.

Watching the conversation quietly was Remus.  He had entered the room when he heard Harry stirring.  Sirius now looked over to him; he had known him too long not to know when he was there.

"Hey, Moony," he greeted, trying to hide the tears in his eyes.  Remus likewise pretended not to notice.

"Hey yourself, Padfoot.  Are you feeling any better, Harry?"

"Yes," Harry could honestly answer.  Not all of his wounds could be cured with simple magic; it would take time, but he was definitely in better condition.  And he could already feel his mind righting itself after being invaded for so long.

"Remus was a great help in finding you," Sirius explained to him, "He was very patient with me and helped me focus.  Silver veins surrounded the cave you were in, so Remus went back for help.  He brought you here himself.  If I had tried to bring you, I would have splinched us.  I wasn't quite in the proper mental state at the time to Apparate anyone."

Remus nodded to confirm the abridged story.  Sirius was in quite a state when he found him.  No one knew whether Harry was dead or alive, and Remus suffered a bit of damage when he ignored the silver ores to console his friend.  Hit-wizards had already surrounded the area and were digging through the wreckage to find any sign of Javen.  Two days later, they were no closer to finding the body.  He was glad to note that Padfoot was back to his normal, if not improved, self.  And he could see warmth already returning to Harry's eyes.

"As your godfather once more," Remus said, "I tried to stop them from disturbing you so you could rest, but they were quite insistent."

"Who?" asked Harry.  Remus stepped aside to reveal the forms of Hermione and nearly the entire Weasley family, nearly all of who were in various states of distress.  Hermione had bright red eyes as though she had just stopped crying.  She and the others burst through the room, nearly knocking down the werewolf in the process.

"When I got the owl from Ron saying that you and Sirius… " Hermione began before choking up.  Ron took over for her as she got a hold of herself.

"Bloody Merlin, Harry," he sighed, white and shaking slightly.  "How many of these stunts are you going to pull on us?"

Both Sirius and Hermione shot him 'Be-More-Sensitive-To-The-Poor-Boy' looks, but Harry laughed softly.

"Hopefully this is the last time, Ron."

"Well take me along next time," he returned, not looking as though he was especially up to the idea, "Just for back up."

"Will do."

Fred and George pushed through their brother, each carrying various items.

"Glad to see you feeling better," Fred said matter-of-factly, laying down heaps of things for him on a nearby chair.  George did the same.  They appeared to be the calmest of their family.  Their simple nonchalance about the whole thing further relaxed Harry who shot them grateful looks.  They weren't half as oblivious as they appeared to be.  George smiled with understanding in his eyes and winked.

"Yeah.  You really gave us a good scare back there."  Sirius looked at him incredulously.

"He gave YOU a good scare?" he asked.  George shrugged.

"Anyway, we managed to come up with a bunch of goodies to speed up recovery.  We have a… let's see… a few fake wands, canary custards, Every Flavor Beans, chocolate frogs, tons of get well cards from various people… heck, everything.  And when school starts up, we'll even send you a toilet seat."

"Honestly George," huffed Mrs. Weasley.  He grinned at her.

"Just trying to cheer him up."  Harry interrupted before an argument broke out.

"I'm going back to school?" he asked.

"Of course you are," Sirius said, "But not until you're entirely well.  I'm not sending you to school if you're still hurt."

"I'm sure he'll be fine in time for school," assured Remus from his standing position against the wall.  Sirius shrugged at that.

"Maybe, maybe not."

"Oh, look!" George said to Harry, still poking through the piles of things, "Hagrid sent you some of his rock cakes… " he continued rummaging through it all.

"How did you get here, Hermione?" asked Harry.  She had still not completely gotten control of herself and was sniffing in-between words.

"You were on the Muggle news.  They said it was a gas explosion.  When Fudge told everyone that you and Sirius were killed, Ron sent an owl to tell me what really happened.  My parents allowed the Weasleys to come and get me for the… the funerals.  I decided to stay over for the summer holidays.  We didn't hear you were alive until an hour ago."  She sniffed again loudly.  Well, that explained why she was nearly in hysterics, which was not like her at all.  "What happened to you, Harry?"

Sirius held up his hand to prevent his godson's answer, "Later, Hermione.  He just woke up.  He needs rest."

"Unfortunately, my boy," a new voice said, "I must know what happened now."

Dumbledore made his way through the sea of red-haired Weasleys.  He looked as sad and weary as when Harry came to his office after the third task of the Tri-Wizard Tournament.  Harry didn't want to relive the events of the previous weeks any sooner than he had to.  He was just glad to be alive and to have Sirius to celebrate that fact with.  Why was the past so important?

"Dumbledore…" began Sirius seeing the look on Harry's face, but the Headmaster shot him a look that quieted him.

"This is important, Sirius.  An Auror is missing and there was a large amount of Dark Magic found in Harry's wand.  I must know what happened.  This cannot wait."  His gaze softened, "I'm sorry, Harry."

The boy nodded, lying back in his cot.  He requested that the Weasleys, Remus, Sirius, and Hermione stay if they wanted to hear it.  He was not up to repeating the story over and over.  The sooner the story was told, the sooner he could get past it.

Taking a deep breath, Harry began to tell what happened from the day Manticore's Den was attacked until he collapsed in Sirius' arms.  Some parts were harder to tell than others, and when the time came to explain the disappearance of Auror Granby, he nearly stopped altogether.  With some silent coaxing from Sirius and the others, he was able to get the fact across that he murdered the young Auror.  No one said a word to this, as they were silent throughout the story, but he could sense that they pitied him and did not blame him for the death. 

Normally he would hate the pity, but it didn't matter what they thought of him now.  He would never forgive himself for the murder, as he would never forgive half the things he did with Javen.  He explained the Contiosa Botaya and how Javen controlled his thoughts and actions so subtly, he first thought it was of his own will.  He described his first experience with the flexi steel ribbing, and how he was forbidden to think of Sirius who was constantly plaguing Harry's thoughts. 

When he reached the part with Sirius' brush with death and Javen's own, he stopped altogether.  The wounds were still fresh and he did not want everyone to see him crying like a child.  Despite what Javen did or what he would have done to Sirius, he had killed a second time in cold blood.  There was no control over Harry that time.  How could the Ministry ever look past this?  He would go to Azkaban like he thought…

"I have said this before and I will do so again," Dumbledore said soberly, seeing the boy would not continue.  "You have a courage I have rarely seen the likes of, even among full grown wizards.  Your parents and Sirius should be proud."  Sirius nodded in agreement, the sight of the boy's bowed head unsettling him.  He previous words of comfort did not seem to have helped as much as he thought.

Harry looked up from his gaze on his bandaged hands with eyes that were wide and frightened again.  He looked haunted and his two friends had to hold back a gasp at the sight. "B-but I killed two people.  This isn't like last time at the Tournament.  I had complete control of what happened this time.  I had a choice and I chose to kill."  His voice began to crack with sorrow and remorse.

Hermione shook her head, a few tears escaping.  "Javen forced you to do that.  He controlled you because he knew you wouldn't kill the Auror.  And he was going to kill you and Sirius.  You did the right thing."

"Harry," Dumbledore said fiercely, willing him to understand, "No one blames you for what happened.  It-was-not-your-fault.  The Ministry just wants to know what exactly happened.  They've already agreed to place all blame on Javen."

"That's not the point!" Harry exclaimed, startling everyone, "I don't care what the Ministry says!  I killed two men and I performed Dark Magic.  I put everyone at risk and I cannot look past that no matter what you or anyone says.  I shouldn't be commended, I should be locked up."  He stared hard at the Headmaster, not noticing or caring about the tears that flowed down his bandaged face. 

When Dumbledore did not lose eye contact, Harry felt all of his strength leaving him.  All the pain of the past weeks rushed back to him and he fell back, sobbing quietly.  He shut his eyes and turned his head from the multitude of concerned faces around him.  He could feel Sirius read out to hold him close, insisting that it was not his fault.  He did not have the will or strength to respond at all.

Noises blurred together as the Weasleys and Hermione left the room, ushered out by Dumbledore.  Soon, there was only he, Remus, and Sirius in the room with Harry.

"I'm sorry," Harry said in Sirius' embrace.  "I'm so sorry."

"There's nothing to be sorry for," whispered Sirius, "You know that.  You just need time."

Remus stepped forward carefully.  Watching Harry's actions up till now was painful.  He had thought the boy was almost fully recovered when he woke up.  But now it was all settling in.  His healing was barely beginning.  This was a terrible ordeal for a boy to deal with, even without his troubled past.

"I would like to talk to Harry myself," he announced to Dumbledore.  Sirius looked up, his pained expression turning in confusion.

"Why?" he asked.  Remus shook his head.

"Trust me, Padfoot.  Headmaster?"  He turned to Dumbledore imploringly.  The aged wizard nodded.

"Take all the time you need, Remus," he said, "I'll tell the nurses to leave you two in peace."  He paused and spoke quietly so only Remus could hear, "I did not do this to hurt him, Remus.  Denying what happened could be more dangerous than we know."  With that, he turned and walked out the door where the Weasleys waited.

Remus put a hand on Sirius' shoulder.  He was startled to discover that Sirius flinched at his touch as though he had been struck.  This must be more painful for Sirius than he first thought.

"Please, Padfoot," he murmured.  "I won't be long."

Reluctantly, the man nodded and released Harry back onto the cot.  Without a backward glance, he strode out of the room to join the rest of Harry's visitors in the lobby.

Remus shut the door and locked it before returning to Harry.  He sat in Sirius' chair and looked down at the boy.  Harry stared back, obviously wondering what Remus had to say that he could not say in front of the Headmaster and his best friend.  The tears were not all gone, but the sobbing had ceased.  If it weren't for his expressive emerald eyes and the tears running down his cheeks, the perceptive werewolf might even be fooled to think nothing was wrong at all.  He was quick in controlling his emotions so no one could see.  Where had he gotten that, Remus mused?  James and Lily were always so straightforward with what they were feeling.  If there was a problem, they would tell you.  Living with those Muggles must have brought that trait out of Harry.

"Harry," Remus started quietly, "I'm not going to pretend that nothing happened, nor am I going to pretend that it will all be better tomorrow.  I can repeat that you are not at fault until the last full moon, but only you can accept it.  So I won't try until you are ready to listen.  What Javen did to you in inexcusable."  He held up his hand to stop Harry's words of protest, "Listen to me, Harry.  You trusted him to tell you the truth and take care of you.  He used and violated that trust for his own needs.  He was an angry orphan who didn't care who he hurt to get revenge on Voldemort.  He was evil."

"I know he was evil," Harry said softly, "And I know that what he did to me was wrong.  I'm not saying that I'm at fault for his actions… "

"Then tell me exactly what you are saying."  Remus was grateful that they were having a considerably calmer session than what had been occurring before.

"Remus, I killed the Auror.  And I killed Javen.  How is that forgivable?  How can the others look past that?"

"Harry look at me.  Please, little one, look at me."  At the tender endearment, Harry had no choice but to look up into the gentle gray-blue eyes.

"Really look at me.  I'm a monster, Harry.  I don't belong among humans.  What everyone else says is true; I'm a filthy half-breed mutt.  I'm a danger to you at this very moment.  You think my wolf instincts go away with the full moon?  That's the thing, Harry, I'm not a wolf part-time.  The only thing that changes is my body and the enhancement of urges that already exist.  But do you fear me?  Do Sirius and Dumbledore shun me because I'm a monster?"

"You're not a monster, Remus!  It's not your fault that you are a werewolf and it doesn't matter to us that you are."

"I could kill you if I transformed without a Wolfsbane Potion.  I could kill you now if I let my instincts take over.  Yet you and the others don't fear me or shun me.  Why?"

"You aren't in control when you let the wolf take over.  The wolf wants to hurt me, but Remus doesn't."  Remus smiled at the firm conviction in the boy's voice.

"As also you were controlled by Javen through mental and physical manipulations.  It is no different that I am overcome by the wolf and you by Javen's spell.  When you described the power rushes you got during the fight, we can be sure that it was he channeling his aggression to you.  You used a Stunning spell on the Auror even though you felt your life was in danger.  This shows your respect for life and great control over aggression and anger.  That is commendable.  What happened was an accident.  It could have happened to anyone if the person fell back the wrong way.  Do you follow me?"

Harry lowered his eyes and grumbled the affirmative.  Remus felt this was better than nothing, so he continued.  "Right now Dumbledore is giving the coordinates you gave us to the hit-wizards so the Auror can be found.  His family will be grateful to you for giving them his body for a proper burial."  He took a deep breath and moved on to the other major thing that was on Harry's conscience.  "And now for Javen's death itself… Harry, how can you not believe it to be self-defense?  That's what I don't understand."

Harry shook his head, "I was angry, I guess.  I wanted to get him back for what he did to me and what he did to Sirius… I killed him in hatred."

"Look back to that moment carefully, Harry.  From what Sirius told us and from the story you told us, you were very clear-headed then.  There was no anger or fear…"

"There was fear," the boy interrupted, "I was afraid; not of Javen, but… "

"For Sirius," Remus finished.  He nodded.

"I didn't want him to be hurt.  So many people have died and gotten hurt for me, Remus… I just want it all to stop.  I don't want you or Sirius or my friends to be hurt for my sake.  I already have Cedric and my parents' deaths on my hands; I don't want any more.  But it's always happening and I can't stop it.  I can't lose anyone else.  If one more person dies for me… I don't know what I'll do."  His soft green eyes were filled with silent pleas as he spoke to Remus.

The gentle werewolf was touched.  He always knew what a kind, loving person Harry was.  But he didn't know how much until then.  His heart twisted at the thought of such a boy being hurt so much in his short lifetime. 

"That's what Javen could not and would not understand, Harry," Remus said, finding control of his voice, "He had forgotten what it was like to love another human being.  What you did was not out of anger or evil, Harry.  It was out of love.  You love Sirius and it was through your own strength that you saved him for the second time.  He'll never forget that for as long as he lives.  He loves you so much, Harry.  And it hurts him to see you in pain.  It hurts me as well.  How can I convince you that you are as innocent as you ever were?  You have nothing to be forgiven for.  All you need is to forgive yourself."  He watched the inner battle that was occurring behind Harry's eyes.  He saw him tumble his words around in his mind; trying out the sound of them.  Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, he gave the slightest nod.  Remus let out the breath he hadn't known he was holding.  He stood up.

"Dumbledore was right.  You are the bravest boy I know.  And it'll take more than death to keep us apart from you.  Shall I send in Sirius now, or do you want to rest?"

"Could you send him in?"  Harry mentally cringed at how much he sounded like a little child when he said that.  The truth was he just wanted to keep him in his sight to be sure he was real.  Remus nodded and moved to open the door.

"Remus?"

Remus turned around, "Yes, Harry?"

Harry didn't know how to express his gratitude to Moony properly.  So he settled for the simple, knowing that Remus would know what he meant.  "Thanks."

The werewolf smiled at the boy.  Indeed, he did look better.  As though a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders.  Simple words were not enough to chase away all of Harry's ghosts, but he could now begin to heal both inside and out.

"You're welcome."

Review Time!

Larissa:  I totally agree!  I do wish they had more father/son moments in the 5th book.  *sigh*  Can't have everything I guess.

Mr. Happy Java Man:  Hi!  I love your user name btw ^_^  I never could resist Bambi eyes.  So here it is!

ParanoiaIn2005:  Thanks for your critique, I really do appreciate it.  I hope 'Perfect Love…' is to your approval.  I know it's weird and I saw your review for it, but I probably should have asked if you wanted it first ^_^.  It's kinda strange to be able to say to your friends 'Hey guys!  Guess what?!  Some crazy chica dedicated this story to me, and it's about a guy who's practically in love with his bike and he's jealous of his best friend, and… "  So yeah, if you want something different, don't be afraid to tell me.  As you can tell, it's rather late right now for me too J

ShardWing:  Well hi!  Glad you told me who you were or I'd be confused ^_^ It happens easily.  I never heard the term BUMP.  I'll have to use it now… Anywho, I hope you enjoy this chapter.  Harry is found, nearly all is well.

Katie:  Thanks!  As you can see in my A/N, this chappie is for you.  I know you wanted the fluff.  I also added some more if you can catch it ^_^

Nuwie:  I don't know, cause then wouldn't there be a lot of people who are abnormal like that.  I don't harass the characters I hate half as much as the ones I love.  *hugs poor abused Harry and Sirius*  Oh, I'm glad we agree on so many things.  What exactly are your views on things?  Just curious.  I'm actually writing a new story, it's a one-shot, about Remus.  It's called 'Separate and Superior.'  Kind of hard to explain, but I feel it could use a beta who feels they know his character.  Are you interested?  You don't even have to beta it.  You could just tell me if it's any good before I post it.  And I totally agree about the 5th book.  I thought it was totally believable.  Hope to hear more from you!

Schnickledooger:  No, no, keep harassing me.  It keeps me on my toes ^_^  You think I let Javen off too easily?  *whispers* read the sequel to this when the last chapter of 'Say Goodnight' is up.  Trust me ^_~

Siri Kat:  Too much action you think?  Sorry!  But I think it needed to be done.  I hate writing action scenes and I'm bloody awful at it, as you can tell.  And I am very tempted to re-do the sequel, especially since I can barely read it without cringing, but don't have the motivation to.  The only reason I'm re-doing this one is 'cause it was taken down and since I was reposting it I may as well edit it too.  Do you think I should?