A.n.-Sorry for the wait...I've been busy. However, I'm on summer vacation now! Meaning, I have lots more time to write meaning more chappies waaaaaaay quicker!!^_^_^_^_^
And Gomen Draggy, I know the next chappie to "Without You" is taking FOREVER but I'm working on it, promise:)won't be much longer;)
Dedication-Draggy, Guess, Spark-Gurl, Seashell, Moshi, and Thockie!^_^Arigatou all of you!!^_^_^_^_^
Disclaimer-I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh or this song "I Will Surivive" by Gloria Gaynor.
~At first I was afraid, I was petrifed
Kept thinkin' I could never live without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights thinkin' how you did me wrong
And I grew strong...and I learned how to get along~
~And so you're back from outer space
I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed that stupid lock, I should have made you leave your key
If I'd of known for just one second you'd be back to
bother me...~
~Go on now, go walk out the door
Just turn around now, 'cause your not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
Did you think I'd crumble? Did you think I'd lay down and die?~
I entered my old home slowly. I could feel him here, though I could tell he was trying to keep his presence a secret. But I wasn't stupid. I had felt him at the club from the instant he had walked in. Did he expect me to fall to my knees and beg for him to come back? To cry and scream? Never again. I'm not that little boy that was so enraptured with him, not in this life and not in the last.
Oh, it's true. Those songs I sung, they were not just a way of venting my emotions but they were aimed at him. If he had showed remorse, even the tiniest bit, perhaps I could forgive him. All of this. In time even gain closure and acceptance of his choice. But he had broke me without a second thought.
What did he think? That he could come here, to MY home, and pretend nothing had changed? I'm not that naive. I lost what naiveté I had when he threw me away like garbage. So here he was again, what did he want? A quickie? A chance to amend things? Fat chance. He had his chance to show me remorse, he didn't.
And gods beating the crap out of him in the club, I enjoyed it. And I won't pretend I didn't, because I did. Every strike was a wound to show how he had torn me apart. Revenge can be sweet, and I feel no regret for what I've done. Marik told me I'm starting to act a little more like his Hikari had in battle city.
That I'm losing the sweetness of the boy he once knew.
He still cares for me regardless, he told me so, but he was saddened to see me lose that innocence that I'd had. Things change, I had replied. And that had been the end of the subject. If this is the blissful insanity, then I'm loving it. Because, if you're hard at times, then you don't have to feel. And nothing having to feel, means you can't feel the pain any more. Can't feel that empty aching pain that arches through your heart like fire.
Oh, I'd known that my dear Yami would return to my old home in search of me afterward. It hadn't taken much convincing to get Marik to let me return home of the night. A security thing to let me conquest my own demons on my own. I had to show myself that Yami no Bakura did not rule me anymore. That the pain he had inflicted didn't run so deep as I would run anymore for him.
Well, Yami, you tried so hard back then to toughen me up for the world. To change me from the weakling Hikari. Congratulations, you got your wish. Though now, your Hikari isn't your alley, as you'd probably wanted.
No, I'm your worst friggin' enemy.
Just as you are mine.
I flicked on the lights to the living room, long since prepared for the figure I saw standing there.
"Hikari," he purred, "I've missed ya."
I could smell the alcohol on him from ten feet away, and though his onyx eyes were darkened with a slight buzz I could tell he was mostly in control of himself. Though the way I'd seen him downing all that vodka I'm surprised he's not collapsed. I suppose his tolerance for alcohol has increased more then I thought. Guess you'd have to be somewhat drunk to sleep with Anzu though...hahaha.
"Did you now? I haven't missed you."
Oh what a lie that was! I had cried for days missing him, screaming and dying with utter agony that was greater then even a Kami could bestow. I loved him back then, and I still do a little. But I've buried those days under the betrayal that he caused between us. I'm not that silly little boy that he remembers. Never again. I left him to rot in the darkness of the grave my Yami made, and from him I have arisen. The new Ryou. The one who isn't going to fall for my Yami's shit anymore. I'm not afraid.
"I doubt that, Ryou." He sauntered over to me, his hips swaying ever so slightly with the arrogance only a true Yami can have, "How could you have forgotten all our times together so soon. I've missed you, your sweet scent...your lips..." he leaned forward as though to kiss me and I slapped him as hard as I could across the face.
~Oh, no, not I-I will survive
Oh as long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive
I've got all I'm life to live and I've got all my love to give
And I'll survive, I will survive, hey, hey~
~It took all the strength I had not to fall apart
Kept tryin' so hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart
And I spent, oh, so many nights just feelin' sorry for myself
I used to cry, but now I hold my head up high~
~And you see me, somebody new
I'm not that chained up little person still in love with you
And so you feel like droppin' in and just expect me to be free
But now I'm savin' all my lovin' for someone who's
lovin' me~
He was staring at me with pure shock and even, yes it was, pure unbridled anger. The force of the blow had sent him back a few steps. Crimson ran down his lip.
"Get the hell out of here Yami, you're not welcome. I hate you more then anything in the world. And if you don't get out right now," I pulled a dagger out of my boot that I had swiped from Marik not long ago. I carried it with me everywhere now, "I'll kill you."
"You can't kill me without killing yourself, baka." Whatever drunkenness that had sweltered through him and risen away at the sight of the glittering weapon I held in my hand.
"You already did that, I'd just be finishing the job for you."
"You don't have the backbone to kill me, Hikari, you know it and I know it. Don't play games with me. I know you better then you know yourself, you can't fool me."
I laughed. I laughed long and hard, madness and hate were tangible through me. I pummeled all the murderous rage that flowed through my veins against his pitiful shields. I could see his eyes widening, a brief instant of fear crossing his face.
"Have any more doubts, Yami?" I said sweetly.
I lifted the blade up, caressing it with my finger. It sparkled rainbows in the light, cool and sharp against me. It ran up my finger, a slight sting and I felt blood begin to pour out. I giggled, amused as it slid down. I looked up at my Yami who was staring at me with slight horror.
"Your as crazy as Marik n' his Hikari," he said, totally dead pan.
I let out a short bark of laughter. I moved up next to him, my face so close to his I could feel his breath tickling my face. He stood a good two inches above me, but for a minute it was like I was looking down on him and not up. Oh yeah, I did look down on him. He's scum to me, hahahahahaha!
I giggled loudly, my voice bouncing off the walls, "Maybe." I moved closer to him, "But, isn't that what you wanted my dear Yami? Didn't you want me pushed over the edge way back then? Isn't that why you beat me to an inch of my life? Hehehe, well, Yami you got your wish. I'm strong like you wanted, but now...I'm not with you. I'm against you. And right now I'm letting you walk away...If I get another chance though." I lifted the dagger to his neck and he grabbed my wrist hard, "I will kill you."
~Go on now, go walk out the door
Just turn around now, 'cause you're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to break me with goodbye
Did you think I'd crumble? Did you think I'd lay down
and die?~
~Oh, no, not I-I will survive
Oh as long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive
I've got all I'm life to live and I've got all my love to give
And I'll survive, I will survive, oh~
He tightened his grip on me, I think he was expecting me to cry out in pain but I didn't I held my gaze with him, mirroring his trademark smirk of cruelty.
"Not if I kill you first," was his cold reply.
He twisted my wrist hard to the side. I could feel the bones straining with the pressure. I didn't even blink. He pushed more pressure upon it, I felt my smirk widen. It was near being broken in half. A little more and it would snap. I didn't care. The pain was so distant, not even there. You can't hurt the dead, and while my body may be alive my soul sure as hell isn't any more.
Bring it, you lowlife jackass.
I let my smirk widen to a full fledged grin before I reached out my other arm against his flat stomach to gain as much balance as possible as I threw the jerk over my shoulder and onto the ground. Not expecting my move he had released me instantly. Reaching down I grabbed him hard by the hair and yanked his head up, exposing his unblemished, white neck to me.
I pressed the dagger hard enough to draw thin slivers of blood.
"Still want to play, Yami-chan?" I hissed.
He laid still beneath me, I could feel his mind trying to probe mine. Trying to find a chink in this armor of insanity I had donned so he could bring me down. I'd slapped my barriers up as high as they could go, building a thick wall around my mind.
I really don't think you're strong enough, Yami, to take me any more. What did you expect? For me to bow whimpering at your feet? To race to your every demand? To be your whore while you were with Anzu? A little crazy I may be, but with that came a since of clarity I've never known. I'm better then you Yami. I am. So you can just get the hell out of my life.
I sent those feelings toward him. Feelings of uncaring and unbridled hatred. I am better then him now. I'm not going to hide in his shadow while he mops the floor with my dignity, and when it's all said and done, he'd throw me away like trash again. I'm better then that now. I am. And I'm not afraid.
I leaned close to his face, "You tried to break me with your leaving, Yami. What did you think would happen when you did that? Hmm? Did you think you could just run back here, turn on a smile and then I'd be yours? Fat chance."
I lifted him up by the hair, I felt a few strands come loose as I yanked him down the hallways. I kicked open the door and managed threw pure luck to throw him out onto the lawn. He glared up at me, jumping to his feet. His rage was palpable in the air, sizzling around him. He looked so amazing in the moonlight, surrounded by the natural elements of which he was forged.
He is a Yami and with that comes the cruelty of a legion of demons could even image. But he hurt me, his Hikari, the one he was suppose to protect from all the evils of the world, even that of himself. He's failed. Failed me in ways that have torn my spirit to pieces. This is one transgression I can't forgive, and maybe if he hadn't come here tonight thinking he could destroy me again then I would be able to, eventually, let everything he's done...go.
Of course I knew that was why he had come. Why else would he leave his precious Anzu's side? He said he was going to kill me, and since he can't kill me without killing himself, what better way to completely disable me from life then to shatter me again. I'm not as stupid as he thinks. I advanced on him, throwing the dagger off across the rising grass that very badly needed to be mowed.
"Get...off...MY...yard."
"Why? What's yours is mine, Hikari," he said, spitting the name 'Hikari' like a curse. It is a curse, to me at least, to be bonded to the likes of him.
I wasn't amused, "Not anymore. Besides, what would your oh so wonderful Anzu say if she knew you were here right now?"
I watched his face pale away lighter then its normal pallid color, his eyes were wide and his breathing was shortened as though I'd just landed a sucker punch right in his gut. Hehe, so she doesn't know he's here. Interesting...
He turned to walk away only to crumple to the ground. A trick, I'm sure. But he wasn't moving, I walked over and nudged him with my foot... Nothing. I rolled him over, using just the toe of my boots. His eyes were closed and his breathing was thick and even, a little drool was even rolling down his cheek. The lil' cheater passed out! On MY YARD! Kami DAMN IT!
I recoiled from him. Out cold, eh? Not like I owe him anything. I'm not going to pick him up and carry him into the house. That's just what he would want. Walk away, Ryou, come on just walk away!
I couldn't.
As much as he had done. As much as I hated the little bastard, I couldn't just leave him there alone no matter what he had done. I could feel tears burning in my eyes. I hate him so much because...because...I still love him. Oh I do...I could already feel the hardness of the mask and thoughts I'd thrown up to keep him at bay falling down.
Tears rolled down my cheeks as I walked away and sat down in the threshold of the door.
Damn you, Yami! Damn you to HELL!
I sat there, sobbing until the sun would rise. Yami didn't stir once.
~Go on now, go walk out the door
Just turn around now, 'cause your not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to break me with goodbye
Did you think I'd crumble? Did you think I'd lay down and die?~
~Oh, no, not I-I will survive
Oh as long as I know how to love I know I'll stay
alive
I've got all I'm life to live and I've got all my love
to give
And I'll survive, I will survive~
~I will survive~
A.n.-'n' we stop there. I'm sorry again for the wait. I've been really busy. My dad's b-day is comin' up so I'm runnin' 'round with my sisters trying to get everything ready in time...hope ya liked this chappie though. Hope I didn't make Ryou-chan too harsh or Bakura-chan to weak...I didn't mean for him to be...review onegai:)I'll only add more if ya review^_^
And Gomen Draggy, I know the next chappie to "Without You" is taking FOREVER but I'm working on it, promise:)won't be much longer;)
Dedication-Draggy, Guess, Spark-Gurl, Seashell, Moshi, and Thockie!^_^Arigatou all of you!!^_^_^_^_^
Disclaimer-I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh or this song "I Will Surivive" by Gloria Gaynor.
~At first I was afraid, I was petrifed
Kept thinkin' I could never live without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights thinkin' how you did me wrong
And I grew strong...and I learned how to get along~
~And so you're back from outer space
I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed that stupid lock, I should have made you leave your key
If I'd of known for just one second you'd be back to
bother me...~
~Go on now, go walk out the door
Just turn around now, 'cause your not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
Did you think I'd crumble? Did you think I'd lay down and die?~
I entered my old home slowly. I could feel him here, though I could tell he was trying to keep his presence a secret. But I wasn't stupid. I had felt him at the club from the instant he had walked in. Did he expect me to fall to my knees and beg for him to come back? To cry and scream? Never again. I'm not that little boy that was so enraptured with him, not in this life and not in the last.
Oh, it's true. Those songs I sung, they were not just a way of venting my emotions but they were aimed at him. If he had showed remorse, even the tiniest bit, perhaps I could forgive him. All of this. In time even gain closure and acceptance of his choice. But he had broke me without a second thought.
What did he think? That he could come here, to MY home, and pretend nothing had changed? I'm not that naive. I lost what naiveté I had when he threw me away like garbage. So here he was again, what did he want? A quickie? A chance to amend things? Fat chance. He had his chance to show me remorse, he didn't.
And gods beating the crap out of him in the club, I enjoyed it. And I won't pretend I didn't, because I did. Every strike was a wound to show how he had torn me apart. Revenge can be sweet, and I feel no regret for what I've done. Marik told me I'm starting to act a little more like his Hikari had in battle city.
That I'm losing the sweetness of the boy he once knew.
He still cares for me regardless, he told me so, but he was saddened to see me lose that innocence that I'd had. Things change, I had replied. And that had been the end of the subject. If this is the blissful insanity, then I'm loving it. Because, if you're hard at times, then you don't have to feel. And nothing having to feel, means you can't feel the pain any more. Can't feel that empty aching pain that arches through your heart like fire.
Oh, I'd known that my dear Yami would return to my old home in search of me afterward. It hadn't taken much convincing to get Marik to let me return home of the night. A security thing to let me conquest my own demons on my own. I had to show myself that Yami no Bakura did not rule me anymore. That the pain he had inflicted didn't run so deep as I would run anymore for him.
Well, Yami, you tried so hard back then to toughen me up for the world. To change me from the weakling Hikari. Congratulations, you got your wish. Though now, your Hikari isn't your alley, as you'd probably wanted.
No, I'm your worst friggin' enemy.
Just as you are mine.
I flicked on the lights to the living room, long since prepared for the figure I saw standing there.
"Hikari," he purred, "I've missed ya."
I could smell the alcohol on him from ten feet away, and though his onyx eyes were darkened with a slight buzz I could tell he was mostly in control of himself. Though the way I'd seen him downing all that vodka I'm surprised he's not collapsed. I suppose his tolerance for alcohol has increased more then I thought. Guess you'd have to be somewhat drunk to sleep with Anzu though...hahaha.
"Did you now? I haven't missed you."
Oh what a lie that was! I had cried for days missing him, screaming and dying with utter agony that was greater then even a Kami could bestow. I loved him back then, and I still do a little. But I've buried those days under the betrayal that he caused between us. I'm not that silly little boy that he remembers. Never again. I left him to rot in the darkness of the grave my Yami made, and from him I have arisen. The new Ryou. The one who isn't going to fall for my Yami's shit anymore. I'm not afraid.
"I doubt that, Ryou." He sauntered over to me, his hips swaying ever so slightly with the arrogance only a true Yami can have, "How could you have forgotten all our times together so soon. I've missed you, your sweet scent...your lips..." he leaned forward as though to kiss me and I slapped him as hard as I could across the face.
~Oh, no, not I-I will survive
Oh as long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive
I've got all I'm life to live and I've got all my love to give
And I'll survive, I will survive, hey, hey~
~It took all the strength I had not to fall apart
Kept tryin' so hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart
And I spent, oh, so many nights just feelin' sorry for myself
I used to cry, but now I hold my head up high~
~And you see me, somebody new
I'm not that chained up little person still in love with you
And so you feel like droppin' in and just expect me to be free
But now I'm savin' all my lovin' for someone who's
lovin' me~
He was staring at me with pure shock and even, yes it was, pure unbridled anger. The force of the blow had sent him back a few steps. Crimson ran down his lip.
"Get the hell out of here Yami, you're not welcome. I hate you more then anything in the world. And if you don't get out right now," I pulled a dagger out of my boot that I had swiped from Marik not long ago. I carried it with me everywhere now, "I'll kill you."
"You can't kill me without killing yourself, baka." Whatever drunkenness that had sweltered through him and risen away at the sight of the glittering weapon I held in my hand.
"You already did that, I'd just be finishing the job for you."
"You don't have the backbone to kill me, Hikari, you know it and I know it. Don't play games with me. I know you better then you know yourself, you can't fool me."
I laughed. I laughed long and hard, madness and hate were tangible through me. I pummeled all the murderous rage that flowed through my veins against his pitiful shields. I could see his eyes widening, a brief instant of fear crossing his face.
"Have any more doubts, Yami?" I said sweetly.
I lifted the blade up, caressing it with my finger. It sparkled rainbows in the light, cool and sharp against me. It ran up my finger, a slight sting and I felt blood begin to pour out. I giggled, amused as it slid down. I looked up at my Yami who was staring at me with slight horror.
"Your as crazy as Marik n' his Hikari," he said, totally dead pan.
I let out a short bark of laughter. I moved up next to him, my face so close to his I could feel his breath tickling my face. He stood a good two inches above me, but for a minute it was like I was looking down on him and not up. Oh yeah, I did look down on him. He's scum to me, hahahahahaha!
I giggled loudly, my voice bouncing off the walls, "Maybe." I moved closer to him, "But, isn't that what you wanted my dear Yami? Didn't you want me pushed over the edge way back then? Isn't that why you beat me to an inch of my life? Hehehe, well, Yami you got your wish. I'm strong like you wanted, but now...I'm not with you. I'm against you. And right now I'm letting you walk away...If I get another chance though." I lifted the dagger to his neck and he grabbed my wrist hard, "I will kill you."
~Go on now, go walk out the door
Just turn around now, 'cause you're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to break me with goodbye
Did you think I'd crumble? Did you think I'd lay down
and die?~
~Oh, no, not I-I will survive
Oh as long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive
I've got all I'm life to live and I've got all my love to give
And I'll survive, I will survive, oh~
He tightened his grip on me, I think he was expecting me to cry out in pain but I didn't I held my gaze with him, mirroring his trademark smirk of cruelty.
"Not if I kill you first," was his cold reply.
He twisted my wrist hard to the side. I could feel the bones straining with the pressure. I didn't even blink. He pushed more pressure upon it, I felt my smirk widen. It was near being broken in half. A little more and it would snap. I didn't care. The pain was so distant, not even there. You can't hurt the dead, and while my body may be alive my soul sure as hell isn't any more.
Bring it, you lowlife jackass.
I let my smirk widen to a full fledged grin before I reached out my other arm against his flat stomach to gain as much balance as possible as I threw the jerk over my shoulder and onto the ground. Not expecting my move he had released me instantly. Reaching down I grabbed him hard by the hair and yanked his head up, exposing his unblemished, white neck to me.
I pressed the dagger hard enough to draw thin slivers of blood.
"Still want to play, Yami-chan?" I hissed.
He laid still beneath me, I could feel his mind trying to probe mine. Trying to find a chink in this armor of insanity I had donned so he could bring me down. I'd slapped my barriers up as high as they could go, building a thick wall around my mind.
I really don't think you're strong enough, Yami, to take me any more. What did you expect? For me to bow whimpering at your feet? To race to your every demand? To be your whore while you were with Anzu? A little crazy I may be, but with that came a since of clarity I've never known. I'm better then you Yami. I am. So you can just get the hell out of my life.
I sent those feelings toward him. Feelings of uncaring and unbridled hatred. I am better then him now. I'm not going to hide in his shadow while he mops the floor with my dignity, and when it's all said and done, he'd throw me away like trash again. I'm better then that now. I am. And I'm not afraid.
I leaned close to his face, "You tried to break me with your leaving, Yami. What did you think would happen when you did that? Hmm? Did you think you could just run back here, turn on a smile and then I'd be yours? Fat chance."
I lifted him up by the hair, I felt a few strands come loose as I yanked him down the hallways. I kicked open the door and managed threw pure luck to throw him out onto the lawn. He glared up at me, jumping to his feet. His rage was palpable in the air, sizzling around him. He looked so amazing in the moonlight, surrounded by the natural elements of which he was forged.
He is a Yami and with that comes the cruelty of a legion of demons could even image. But he hurt me, his Hikari, the one he was suppose to protect from all the evils of the world, even that of himself. He's failed. Failed me in ways that have torn my spirit to pieces. This is one transgression I can't forgive, and maybe if he hadn't come here tonight thinking he could destroy me again then I would be able to, eventually, let everything he's done...go.
Of course I knew that was why he had come. Why else would he leave his precious Anzu's side? He said he was going to kill me, and since he can't kill me without killing himself, what better way to completely disable me from life then to shatter me again. I'm not as stupid as he thinks. I advanced on him, throwing the dagger off across the rising grass that very badly needed to be mowed.
"Get...off...MY...yard."
"Why? What's yours is mine, Hikari," he said, spitting the name 'Hikari' like a curse. It is a curse, to me at least, to be bonded to the likes of him.
I wasn't amused, "Not anymore. Besides, what would your oh so wonderful Anzu say if she knew you were here right now?"
I watched his face pale away lighter then its normal pallid color, his eyes were wide and his breathing was shortened as though I'd just landed a sucker punch right in his gut. Hehe, so she doesn't know he's here. Interesting...
He turned to walk away only to crumple to the ground. A trick, I'm sure. But he wasn't moving, I walked over and nudged him with my foot... Nothing. I rolled him over, using just the toe of my boots. His eyes were closed and his breathing was thick and even, a little drool was even rolling down his cheek. The lil' cheater passed out! On MY YARD! Kami DAMN IT!
I recoiled from him. Out cold, eh? Not like I owe him anything. I'm not going to pick him up and carry him into the house. That's just what he would want. Walk away, Ryou, come on just walk away!
I couldn't.
As much as he had done. As much as I hated the little bastard, I couldn't just leave him there alone no matter what he had done. I could feel tears burning in my eyes. I hate him so much because...because...I still love him. Oh I do...I could already feel the hardness of the mask and thoughts I'd thrown up to keep him at bay falling down.
Tears rolled down my cheeks as I walked away and sat down in the threshold of the door.
Damn you, Yami! Damn you to HELL!
I sat there, sobbing until the sun would rise. Yami didn't stir once.
~Go on now, go walk out the door
Just turn around now, 'cause your not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to break me with goodbye
Did you think I'd crumble? Did you think I'd lay down and die?~
~Oh, no, not I-I will survive
Oh as long as I know how to love I know I'll stay
alive
I've got all I'm life to live and I've got all my love
to give
And I'll survive, I will survive~
~I will survive~
A.n.-'n' we stop there. I'm sorry again for the wait. I've been really busy. My dad's b-day is comin' up so I'm runnin' 'round with my sisters trying to get everything ready in time...hope ya liked this chappie though. Hope I didn't make Ryou-chan too harsh or Bakura-chan to weak...I didn't mean for him to be...review onegai:)I'll only add more if ya review^_^