Chapter Four- The Shape of Matt



"Taichi where are you? I can't see you." The figure of Matt wandered through a shattered world of black and white. There seemed to be no distinguishing between the floor, walls or ceiling, it almost looked like he was standing on mid air and the ground was miles below him.

"Taichi! I need you, where are you?" Matt called out into the emptiness that spanned before him, and behind him. Suddenly Matt realized there was something wrong with his voice. He looked down at himself and saw his body was smaller than it had been. He was a child again, so small and alone in this world with no color.

"TAICHI!" Matt kept walking strait ahead until the two tone world around him faded away.

"What's going on? Where am I?" Around him a familiar setting had appeared. Was this home? The sun shone through the apartment window and lit up the room. A baby with blonde hair and blue eyes was crawling across the floor towards a stack of blocks.

"Is that TK? This is too weird, I'm a little kid. Things are the way they used to be before my parents spilt up."

TK was only a toddler again, and Matt was a small boy. He looked up and saw two people standing side by side above TK. There were his smiling parents, together and so happy. Matt began to forget about his real life and was overwhelmed with joy. He started running towards his family, but as he got closer they began to vanish.

"Bye bye Matt..." he could hear little TK's voice call out to him as the scene disappeared.

Matt opened his eyes and found himself in bed in a darkened room. Where was he now, back in the cabin?

Matt sat up and looked around.

"I'm back home in my own room. What's happening to me?" Matt was still a child, only a bit older now. It seemed a year or two had passed.

Just then he heard voices from outside his room. He clutched his blanket to his chest and strained to hear them. It was his mother and father, yelling and arguing. As they talked, the anger in both their voices increased. The sound of a slap startled Matt.

"No...I remember what this night is. No! Please don't make me live this night again."

A few minutes passed, he could he his mother crying, then a door slammed. Matt closed his eyes and tried to hide under the covers of his bed. This was the night, eight years ago when it all started. Matt cringed under his blankets when he saw the door of his bedroom start to open. He already knew what was coming. A dark figure stepped into his room and moved towards his bed. Matt could see the anger and hate in his eyes, anger that he knew would be taken out on him.

"Why is this happening?" Matt thought. His body started trembling as a large hand pinned him down to the bed. "I don't want to live through this again!" Tears rolled down his cheeks as the figure above began touching him, hurting him.

Matt was screaming inside his head but couldn't manage to say anything out loud.

"No, please! Not again! Taichi help me!" Matt writhed underneath his attacker. More tears came as he relived the most horrible moment in his life.

"Not Again!!" Matt screamed. He rolled out of his bed and slammed onto the cabin floor. "Matt! What's wrong with you?" TK climbed out of his own bed and leaned over Matt's. He was lying on the floor, covered in sweat. He slowly sat up and rubbed the side of his head.

"TK?" Matt looked up at his little brother. TK's eyes were filled with concern and he held his hand out to Matt. Matt grabbed hold of it and pulled himself back up on his bed.

"That must have been some dream you had to knock you right out of your bed." TK seated himself next to his brother.

"Yeah..." Matt sighed and stared down at the floor. His and TK's shadows spread out across the floorboards, cast by the only source of light, the woodstove.

"I bet it was about Tai," TK smiled and nudged Matt in the ribs with his elbow.

Matt turned his head up at TK. He didn't look happy, but didn't appear angry either. Just sad. His eyebrows were tilted up with worry and had a look on his face like someone who's just lost their best friend.

"Oh, I guess it was a bad dream huh?"

Matt sighed and looked back down at the floor. TK put his arm around his big brother's shoulder.

"Don't worry you'll see Tai soon. Let's just get some sleep now."

Matt didn't answer, he only nodded. TK climbed back into his own bed and pulled his quilt over himself.

"Sweet dreams Matt."

Matt lied back down but kept his eyes open. To go back to sleep might mean reliving that moment again. It had played through his mind so many times, but he thought the nightmare was finally over now that Tai was with him. Tai's absence must have triggered something deep inside him.

Two days passed but no help came. The batteries on TK's radio had run out, and their supply of logs was growing small. So was their supply of food.

Matt's erotic dreams of Tai were being replaced with nightmares. Nightmares filled with horrible images and intense loneliness. He was beginning to need Tai so badly he could hardly bear it anymore.

Matt lied in bed that night with a dull ache between his legs. Thinking of Tai and how much he yearned to be with him. He rolled back on forth in his bed, unable to get to sleep.

"Hey Matt is something wrong with you?" TK said, glancing over at his brother.

"Just leave me alone TK..."

"Fine, I was just asking"

Matt bit his bottom lip and tried to ignore what he was feeling, but he couldn't. He had never gone for so long without Tai like this. Their bodies close, every part of them touching. All the little sounds of pleasure Tai made, and the way he felt. When the two of them became one and shared that experience unlike any other.

It was almost like a drug. If he could only touch Tai for a moment he would be able to last a little bit longer. It had been nine days, and after making love to him almost every day for a year, nine days was like torture.

Matt clenched his fists and squeezed his eyes shut. He tried to concentrate on anything but Tai, anything at all. He tried counting his breaths, then opened his eyes and focused on the firelight and shadows dancing on the ceiling. No matter how he tried, he couldn't help it. For a moment he considered masturbation to help relieve this longing, but in front of TK?

He tossed and turned, moving back and forth, over and over, trying to fall asleep, think up lyrics to a new song, anything at all, but nothing helped. Suddenly an image flashed through his mind, one moment in time, of a little boy pressed down into a bed, crying and in pain. Something snapped inside Matt. He began to feel so angry, just so furious at the world.

He turned over and then stood up. He stood looking down at TK lying in his bed, not even a teenager yet, so innocent. Matt reached down and pulled the covers off TK, causing him to wake up shivering.

"Matt... ugh, what do you want?" TK said, without even turning over. Matt grabbed TK's shoulder and pulled him up so he was sitting on the edge of the bed.

"Matt? What do you want?"

Matt leaned over him, and then pushed him down, until he was lying on his back with his legs hanging over the side of the bed.

"Matt what are you doing!?" TK began to sound nervous and afraid.

Matt could only look down at him, his brother, his little brother. Matt began to forget who he was, he started to turn into someone else. Before Yamato Ishida disappeared, he managed to say one last thing.

"I'm sorry TK."

He put his hand on TK's shoulder, holding the smaller boy down to the bed. If TK said anything, he couldn't hear. He could only look down into those blue eyes, and see himself. He was looking down at Yamato, a frightened little boy, with beautiful blonde hair and sparkling blue eyes, who was in the process of being shattered forever.

He pulled TK's pajama pants down roughly and moved closer to him. He could feel his little brother trying to get up, trying to get away from him, but he held him down with the strength of a man much larger than himself. As each second went by, every trace of Matt began to vanish until he was only anger in the shape of Matt.

He managed to get his own pants off while still holding his brother to the bed. He could see the little boy that was his brother and himself pleading to him, "Why?"

"I wish I knew why," the shape of Matt said to himself and TK.

As the shape of Matt moved into TK, it was almost as if his whole world burst into flames and the whole forest was burning down around them. He felt hot, so hot, and the intense heat raging inside his icy heart made him want to be sick. As his older brother penetrated him, TK had no way of knowing what was going on, or why. It couldn't be Matt doing this, not the big brother that loved him so deeply and would do anything to protect him. How could this be happening? It seemed like one minute Matt had been carrying him in his arms through the digital world, now a dark man that used to be Matt hovered over him, pressing into him deeper, loving him, hating him.

With no way of stopping, it happened again. That night happened all over again, except now Matt was stuck at both ends.

Then a moment lasted all night. Silent screams were coming from both boys. Sometimes, the silence was so loud, the shape of Matt thought his head was going to explode.

As soon as it started, it was over. The shape of Matt lied down in his own bed, and for a moment he thought he could hear his brother sobbing. He closed his eyes slowly, and fell into a dreamless sleep.

Some time during the night, Matt fell back into his body. The next morning help arrived, managing to break through the snowy barrier and reach their cabin. They packed up their things in silence, and rode home in the rescue vehicle in silence, and said goodbye in silence when they reached Odaiba.

Matt walked into his house and saw the answering machine light blinking. He pressed the button and the recorded voice told him he had four new messages.

He sat down and looked at the answering machine like it was the most evil and amazing thing in the world and listened to the messages play.

Message One

"Hiya Matt! It's Tai, well duh of course it's Tai who else would it be? Hee hee. Well anyway, I just wanted to say I hope you're having fun with TK. Ok, so, I guess I'll see you in a few days! So long for now!"

Message Two

"Hey Matt, it's Tai again. I was just sitting at home alone and I felt like calling. It's really boring here. I went over to Izzy's house today but all he wanted to do was upgrade his stupid computer. BORING! Yeah well, I'm checking off my calender, see you in three days Matt! Bye."

Message Three

"Hey Matt, I'm getting worried. Oh right, It's Tai. Well anyway, I heard there was a blizzard or something up in the mountains where you are. I hope you make it home safely. I really miss you Matt. I love you ok? Bye for now."

Message Four

"Yama, I've been worried sick all day. You should have been home two days ago! I don't know what I'd do if anything bad happened to you. Please be ok. I miss you so much, I can't wait to see you. How about when you get back we rent a hotel room and make some sweet loving, good idea? Heh heh. I love you Matt."

Matt sat at the kitchen counter looking at the answering machine, almost in disbelief.. He slumped over and rested his head on his arms.

"What have I done?"