The One I Wish I'd Watched
Author's Note: I'm a ten-year Friends fan even though I often felt in the last few seasons the show's writing didn't live up to its potential. Most of the things that disappointed me were evident in the finale: Disappearing Emma and Disappearing Children in general, this unrealistic TV-world view of parenting where children conveniently vanish when you don't need them onscreen; the Ross-and-Rachel love affair that seemed to have gotten so silly with neither of them ever really growing up or learning anything; the way Monica and Chandler's marriage was played out, with Monica being a bit of a bitch to Chandler, who was always my favourite Friend. Also, I wished the finale had had a little more...oomph, I wished it had been a little more exciting and less predictable, and I would have liked for Joey and Phoebe to have storylines of their own. So, after viewing the finale, I wrote this fanfic about the finale I wished they had done. It's not really polished in true fanfic style, but perhaps if people like it I'll put a little more work into it someday.
Obligatory disclaimer: these characters are the property of Bright-Kaufman- Crane, the people who actually wrote Friends...they're not my characters, and this thing I've written is just for fun, not for profit. This particular bit of prose is my property, however, and is copyright Trudy J. Morgan-Cole, 2004.
Previously on Friends... we revise history a little to note that Monica and Chandler's babies were actually born in the second-last episode of the season. Since the birth was the main focus of that episode rather than being squeezed into the finale, several things differed: Monica's parents were at the hospital for the birth, as were all the Friends, as well as Erica's (the birth mom's) mother and best friend (what, she's supposed to go through this with no support team of her own??). Squeezed into the end of that episode was Rachel's departure for Paris ... she does sleep with Ross the night before, as in the real series, but that's it--it is, as she said, "the perfect way to say goodbye" and Ross does not chase her to the airport. She just gets on the plane and goes. Oh, and Ross moves into Monica and Chandler's old apartment, and my finale is a two-hour special, not a one-hour.
The finale opens...with Rachel walking down a street in Paris, looking very Parisian and happy in the lovely late-afternoon Paris sunshine, wearing a large hat. She's coming home from work. She stops to pick up some baguettes at the boulangerie (insert other Paris cliches here), she says hi to a few neighbors in perfect French. As she approaches her apartment building she meets up with a very pretty young French girl who is walking hand-in-hand with an adorable three-year-old. Oui, it is Preschooler Emma and her Hot French.
Rachel sweeps Emma up into her arms and we realize, as we see what a big girl Emma is, that Time Has Passed since last week's episode. Rachel exchanges a few brief words with the nanny, Stephanie, who then goes on her way. But before Rachel gets into the building she is stopped by a stunningly attractive man, her Hot French Boyfriend Jean-Pierre (yes everybody in France is hot. It's my fantasy world so don't go bringing up Gerard Depardieu). He is on his way out, gives her a quick kiss and says he'll be back later tonight, has a dinner meeting with a client (we don't care what he works at, we just need to establish that he's there and he's living with Rachel). Rachel and Emma go upstairs to their Hot French Apartment (I'm on a roll here) and Rachel checks her answering machine. There is a message from Joey, who is still living in New York. He tells her with great excitement that he has a part in a movie being filmed in France, and can they get together while he's over there? While Rachel is smiling about this, she gets her second message--from Ross. Ross is coming to Paris for some kind of paleontology wing-ding, and he's going to take a couple of week's vacation afterwards so he can take Emma for awhile. It'll be at the same time Joey's going to be over there, so he suggests maybe they can all get together and have a mini-reunion.
Rachel stares thoughtfully off into space while Emma opens a cupboard in the Hot French Kitchen and pulls all the Hot French Pans out onto the floor with a terrific crash.
The next scene opens with the exact same crash, only it's twice as loud! We're in Monica's kitchen and the two-year-old Bingtwins, Jack and Erica, are pulling all Monica's pans (she has a lot more pans than Rachel does) out onto the floor. Monica is not staring dreamily into space; she is screaming maniacally at the kids, who are gleefully ignoring her. All around Monica is cooking paraphernalia and she is obviously trying to concoct something huge but every time she turns around to remove one twin from something, the other twin gets into something else. The phone rings.
It's Rachel, calling from Paris, telling Monica about her two phone messages. Monica knows about both Joey's and Ross's trips to France and says how much she wishes she could have a trip to France...without the kids. Rachel says, "Oh, it would be great if Chandler could come," and Monica says, "Oh yeah...I guess Chandler could come too."
The conversation continues as Monica removes her children from various lasagna pans, etc., and we learn that Rachel is uneasy about hanging out with just Ross and Joey. Although she and Ross have had contact over the last two years as she has brought Emma back to NYC for visits, this would be a first time for Rachel herself spending any time with Ross, and given their past history she doesn't think Joey is the best person to smooth things over and make them comfortable. Also, she hasn't seen Ross at all since Hot French Boyfriend has moved in, and she feels a little awkward about that. This conversation gives us plenty of opportunity to give the audience a little backstory on what's been happening in the two years since last week's episode, as well as numerous chances to see both Rachel and Monica trying to carry on a phone conversation with small children in the room.
Next scene, still at Monica and Chandler's place after Chandler's home from work and the kids are in bed, reveals the depths of the midlife crisis Monica is enduring. All is not sweetness and light at the Geller-Bing household. Monica, who gave up her chef's job in the city to stay home and raise the twins, is trying to get a catering business off the ground but is driven insane by the demands of both kids and business. She is trying to be Suburban Supermom, refuses to hire a babysitter while she works from home because, you know, she's Monica and she can do everything. She's being nastier than ever to Chandler and basically blaming him for everything that's wrong in her life, as if he's the one forcing her into a suburban housewife mode even though this is clearly Not His Fault. We also discover that Monica and Chandler have just learned they are going to have another baby--one they've conceived themselves (hey, it happens; people with fertility problems sometimes do adopt and then conceive naturally later...it's TV-land and I'm saying this is what happened, OK?) Instead of being ecstatic as they would have been two years ago they are both a little ambivalent: can they handle another baby when they have their hands full with the twins? Is this going to further derail Monica's attempt to have a life of her own?
Chandler suggests that a trip to France without the kids is just what they need, especially since with the new pregnancy it will be awhile before they can take another trip. You can tell he's thinking of rekindling the excitement and romance of their relationship while Monica is just thinking about getting away from it all.
Further scenes reveal everyone getting ready for the trip to France, including Phoebe and Mike and their six-month-old baby who is going to spend virtually the whole movie in either a snugli or a backpack. However, at the last minute Monica's parents have a crisis (I'm thinking maybe Jack has some health issue that's not serious enough to keep Monica home but major enough that they can't watch two energetic toddlers for a couple of weeks) and can't take the kids. Monica is obviously frustrated and says they should just cancel the trip, but Chandler convinces her that they can make it a family vacation and have fun. So everybody goes.
Most of the action of the finale takes place in the stunningly beautiful village in Brittany where Joey's movie is being shot, with much of the movie taking place in a thirteenth-century castle (we can call it Hot French Castle for now). Rachel brings along Stephanie the nanny to look after not only Emma but also Monica and Chandler's kids (of course they pay her extra for this). Joey is trying to learn the French phrase for "How YOU doin'?" so he can pick up Hot French Girls, and much hilarity (which I won't bother to write down because I can't really write comedy) ensues over his attempts to do this ... I don't actually know what the appropriate French phrase would be, but I'm thinking of "Ca va?" which Joey would find very frustrating because it's so short and there's so few ways he can pronounce it to really make it sound sexy, but it would be fun watching him try. Of course as soon as he sees Hot French Nanny he lays a big "Ca VA?" onto her and before you know it they are having a Hot French Affair.
And they must be putting something in the water in this little town in Brittany, because Joey and Stephanie are not the only ones seeing some action. Monica and Chandler, given a little child-free time while Stephanie has the kids, discover that the old flame that first kindled in London is still there 8 years later in France, and we see them sneaking away for quickies in various surprising spots. Meanwhile, there's obvious chemistry between Ross and Rachel as they catch up on what each of them has been doing. We see a few scenes with Ross, Rachel and Emma together and it's obvious how much they enjoy being a family; Rachel watches Ross with Emma and gets kind of misty-eyed at what a great dad he is (we also see Joey being blown away by the fact that a three-year-old can speak French and he can't).
But then--Hot! French! Boyfriend! shows up unexpectedly to surprise and delight Rachel with the fact that he's taken a few days off work to come join her. To everyone's surprise, Ross does not go into Jealous! Ross mode but is pleasant and charming to Jean-Pierre, forcing Rachel to conclude that Ross is really, finally, Over Her. But then we see a conversation between Ross, Joey and Chandler in which he is full-blown Jealous! Ross, making fun of Jean-Pierre's French accent and his full pouty lips. Ross confesses that he does still have feelings for Rachel. "Plus, I love being with her and Emma--like a real family," he adds. "I screwed up my chance to be a real father to Ben; I'm a weekend dad and that's not even every weekend. As long as Rachel and Emma live in France I'll never be more than a twice-a-year dad. That's not what I want. I want a real family--and I want it with Rachel."
"So, why don't you tell her how you feel, man?" Joey asks.
"For, like the millionth time?" says Ross. "C'mon guys, you've seen her. You see how happy she is, how much she loves her job and her life and even her--her French man. I just can't screw that up for her."
The making of Joey's movie proceeds, with all the Friends getting a role as extras playing part of a group of obnoxious American tourists on a bus tour. Everyone has fun with it except Monica who is obsessed with getting her part right and keeps arguing with the director and seems unable to accept the fact that she's just an extra and not the star (plenty of opportunities for humour here, written by Someone Who Can Write Humour, not me). Stephanie the nanny also gets a role as an extra; the movie Joey's in has a scene where Joey's character walks by a daycare centre and watches the children playing with their teacher. Stephanie gets hired to play the teacher and she's able to take the Bingtwins and Emma on the set with her.
Chandler has a heart-to-heart talk with Joey (picture beautiful French countryside settings for all these heart-to-heart talks) telling Joey how things have gotten really hot between him and Monica again (which of course Joey loves hearing about). But, Chandler says, he's afraid when they get back home, things are going to go back "normal," and Chandler can't take too much more of "normal" with Bitchy! Monica. He's confused because here they are "rekindling the romance," having another baby together, and, as he says, "I'm not sure I even want to have lunch with this woman, much less another baby!"
Phoebe falls in love with the town and especially Hot French Castle. She tells Mike she is convinced she lived in the castle in a former life and that it's her destiny to live there again. Mike loves it too, but points out it's kind of unlikely they could ever live there. Phoebe says, "No, I can feel it, this castle is calling to me. Pheee-beee, Pheeee-beee, it's saying! Come hoommme!!!" She suggests they can save up and buy the castle. Mike kind of rolls his eyes and points out that he's a musician and she's a masseuse and they're barely able to make rent on their apartment in New York. Phoebe brightens and suggests, "Maybe real estate is cheaper here!" She gets friendly with the elderly couple who are caretakers at the castle and the old woman tells her of a legend that the castle is haunted by the ghost of a young noblewoman who once lived there but was forced to leave when the castle was conquered by a neighbouring baron. She died far away but her ghost returned to haunt her ancestral home. "In those days," the woman adds, "it was called Castle Buffay, after the Compte de Buffay, her father." Phoebe realizes that she feels such a tie to the castle because she is in fact the reincarnation of this long-dead ancestress, and is more convinced than ever that this is where she, Mike, and baby belong.
While hanging around on the movie set, Joey overhears the movie's director talking on the phone to a producer back in Hollywood, raving about someone who is an amazing undiscovered talent. "Someone with that kind of natural gift for acting really needs to be in Hollywood," she says. "I can see a major role in the new picture...we'll have to talk about it, but I'm onto something really exciting here." Joey, sure the director is talking about him, gets very very excited.
That night, Phoebe has a dream in which she's the Ghost of Castle Buffay, wandering around the halls dressed in a flowing medieval gown wringing her hands and weeping. Over and over again she cries out, "215! 140!" Phoebe wakes up in bed between Mike and the baby (because you know Phoebe does the Family Bed, right?) and calls out the two numbers. "215! 140!" Mike rolls over, glances at the clock and mumbles, "It's 3:45 by me."
"No!" Phoebe says. "I've had a message From Beyond. My ancestor—the one who was me in a former life—she sent me those two numbers from Beyond the Grave. She wants me to live here, I can feel it. I just have to figure out what the two numbers mean, and we'll be able to buy the castle!" Mike, who is barely awake, listens to this all very seriously and then goes back to sleep.
The next day, Monica and Rachel have lunch together and Rachel confesses that although she's had two wonderful years in France she often thinks about moving back to New York. "It would be great for Emma to be closer to family--you see how much she enjoys playing with her cousins? -- and I think I'd like to be back in the States when she starts school. Plus, with the experience I've gotten over here I could move into a really good job in New York. I've gotten a few feelers from companies back home, but...I'm not sure."
"What about Jean-Pierre?" Monica asks. "How serious is that?"
"I don't know," Rachel admits. "You know, you're going to kill me for saying this, but...I think I still have feelings for Ross. Or maybe not still...maybe I have feelings for him again. He's changed a lot in the last two years, you know? I think he's grown up. Or maybe I have. But, I mean, I can see that he's totally over me, and I know that wasn't easy for him, so I'm not going to say anything to start that whole roller coaster ride again. Only it would be nice for Emma to have both her parents together...I'd really like to have a family like you and Chandler have..."
"Yeah well, you know what they say about the grass on the other side of the fence," Monica says. She confesses her frustrations with Suburban Houselife and with her kids and marriage.
"Some days I know Chandler's a great guy and I don't deserve him," she says, "and other days I look at him and think, If you make one more stupid joke I'm going to wait till you're asleep, sew you up in the sheet, drag you out in the driveway and back the SUV over you."
"So..." says Rachel after a slight pause, "that whole for better, for worse thing's not working out so great, huh?"
"Not so much," says Monica.
On the second (and last) day that everyone is doing the extras scenes, Monica freaks out on the set and yells at the director. The scene consists of Monica having to walk off the bus and snap a picture, but she keeps trying to upstage the actual actors who have speaking roles in the scene, and the director tells her if she can't stay in the background, she's fired. Monica tries to argue with her and then stalks away angrily, refusing to let Chandler or anyone else talk to her. Chandler stays to finish the scene. As Monica is gets back to their hotel, her cellphone rings. It's Stephanie the nanny, who is also shooting her scene with the kids that day. She's asking Monica to please come pick up Twin Erica, who has been asked to leave the set because she bit another child.
Chandler comes back to the hotel room later, carrying Twin Jack who is asleep in his arms. He finds Monica sitting on the couch crying with an exhausted Erica sprawled asleep with her head in Monica's lap. Monica is nearly hysterical as she tells Chandler, "I'm a complete screw-up. Not only can I not even walk off a bus and take a picture properly, I'm such an incompetent mother than I'm raising a child who bites other children!" As Chandler tries ineffectually to tell her things aren't that bad, she continues to vent, admitting that she has tried her hardest to be the perfect wife, perfect mother, perfect housekeeper, perfect chef, and she feels like she's failed at everything.
Chandler sits beside her, puts an arm around her, and says, "So you screw up sometimes. So what? I screw up all the time, but that doesn't make me a bad husband or a bad father or a bad person. Nobody expects you to be perfect, Monica--not me, not the kids, not our friends. Nobody expects you to be perfect--but you."
Monica looks up at him all teary-eyed and says, "Sometimes I think you won't love me anymore if I can't keep everything under control." Chandler says, "All that stuff I said at our wedding, about wanting to spend my whole life with you--I meant that. I never wanted some picture-perfect fairytale life where nothing ever goes wrong. I just want you--and our twins--and our new baby." He puts a hand on Monica's tummy and she wipes away more tears, happy ones this time. "I guess," she says, "maybe when the baby comes I could put the catering business on hold for awhile, till the kids are older, and just try to focus on one thing at a time."
"Sure," says Chandler, "if that's what you want. Or maybe you can go ahead with the catering business and we'll hire a nanny while you work. There are lots of ways we can work things out, and none of them has to be perfect."
"So you think, with enough love, we can make this work?" Monica says.
"Lots of love, and maybe just a little therapy," says Chandler.
"Ooh, did someone say therapy?" says Phoebe, who has just popped into their room without knocking for no apparent reason. "I can do that! Hey, do the numbers 215 and 140 mean anything to you guys?"
Chandler checks his watch. "I've got 6:25," he says.
We now cut to their last full day together. Joey has finished filming and they all have one free day before people have to head home. They plan a day trip to a nearby town, and Mike volunteers to stay back at the hotel with the baby so Phoebe can have the day just with her old friends. She thinks it's very sweet of him to offer to do that. Rachel's Jean-Pierre, however, is not so understanding and gets all sulky (in a Hot French Pouty way) when she says she wants to spend the day with her friends. She suggests that Jean-Pierre pick up Emma from Stephanie later in the day and take her for a little treat. Jean-Pierre looks unthrilled but agrees.
The Friends go to a nearby town where they spend a happy kid-free day together. Monica and Chandler walk hand in hand, obviously very much in love. Joey tells everyone about what he heard the director saying, and says they'll have to have their next reunion in L.A. when he moves out there. Rachel and Ross have one of those magical good-time days together, like the kind they show in a romantic comedy movie where the couple are Doing Fun Things To Music: skipping down the cobblestone street, taking bites from each other's plate at the outdoor cafe, picking up trinkets together in the outdoor market. Rachel tries on a scarf and Ross takes the ends of it and pulls her playfully towards him and there's one of those moments when they almost, almost kiss...then both turn away.
Cut to a scene of the village where the movie's being shot. Jean-Pierre picks up Emma from Nanny Stephanie at the hotel, just as the movie's director stops by the courtyard of the hotel and pulls Stephanie aside to speak to her. We don't hear what they say, though, because the camera follow a bored-looking Jean-Pierre who strolls down the street accompanied by a chatty little Emma. He promises (in French) to buy her an ice-cream cone. As he passes a sidewalk cafe he stops to talk to a couple of guys at one of the tables. He gets deep in conversation, and Emma, sighting a store farther down the street that looks like it might sell ice cream, wanders away. J-P doesn't notice she's gone.
Meanwhile, still touristing with the other Friends, Phoebe sees in a store window a notice about lottery tickets and a news story announcing that tonight's jackpot is the largest lottery prize ever to be given away in French history. "215! 140!" she yells, and goes into the store to buy two lottery tickets, using the numbers given to her in her dream. She is absolutely convinced that she is going to win the jackpot and be able to buy Castle Buffay.
Back at the castle, Mike (with baby in a snugli!) is chatting with the caretaker lady who has been so friendly to Phoebe. He learns that the caretakers are going to have to retire soon because the husband has severe high blood pressure and they are really not up to the work of maintaining the castle year round for the owner who is only there for a couple of weeks each summer, as well as looking after the tourists who come through the place. She says with a sigh that while there will be plenty of applicants for the job, the owner is afraid he'll never find anyone who will love the old place the way she and her husband did. Mike looks thoughtful.
Late in the afternoon, Rachel gets a frantic phone call from Stephanie, who took the Bingtwins to the park and returned to the hotel only to find that Jean-Pierre had come back without Emma. Stephanie has already alerted the local gendarmes who are searching for the missing child. Rachel is freaking out and hyperventilating as Ross tries to calm her. Of course they all head back at once.
Back at their hotel, Rachel confronts Jean-Pierre and flies into a rage about how he could be so stupid as to let a three-year-old wander away from him. While he tries to make lame excuses for himself, Ross steps up and socks him in the jaw, knocking him to the ground. Everyone looks impressed at Ross, and Ross stares at his own hand, mildly impressed himself. Then he says to Rachel that he is going to join the search for Emma, and she (Rachel) should stay at the hotel in case anyone gets any word. Rachel, sobbing uncontrollably, stays and Monica and Phoebe stay with her to comfort her. Nobody pays any attention to J-P who after awhile gets up and walks sullenly away, cradling his jaw.
We see Ross at sunset, walking out to the edge of the village with some hauntingly beautiful song playing in the background as he walks down onto the beach (did I mention this was a seacoast town? Well it is). Bu the water's edge he finds Emma, crouched down playing in the sand. When she sees him she lights up, says, "Daddy!" and runs to his arms.
Ross arrives back at the hotel with Emma in his arms. He, Rachel, and Emma all embrace and Ross kisses Rachel. The studio audience doesn't go "Ooooohhhhh" or "Aaaahhhhh" because I sprayed them with a tranquilizer gun before this scene was filmed.
In the hotel lobby, Phoebe has gathered everyone around the TV to wait for the winning lottery numbers to be announced. She is confident of victory, but as the announcer reads out the numbers she realizes she hasn't won. Her face falls. That's the moment Mike chooses to tell her about the caretakers retiring. He says he has already called the owner in Paris to let him know that he and Phoebe may be interested in taking the job, and that with a glowing recommendation from the old caretakers he thinks they have a very good chance of getting it. Phoebe's face lights up again. "We're coming home to Castle Buffay!" she announces to everyone.
"And we can all have cheap vacations in France!" Monica squeals with delight.
Hot Nanny Stephanie bursts into the lobby looking for Joey. Breathlessly, in her heavily accented English, she tells him that the director was talking to her and believes she has a certain star quality and has tremendous potential as an actress. She has been "discovered" and the director wants her to move to Hollywood where she has a role in mind for Stephanie in her next movie. "I will be so frightened to move to America," she says, "but at least you will be close by, Jo-eee?" Joey realizes that it was Stephanie, not him, the director was excited about, and he's not going to get any exciting job offer in Hollywood. "Y'know, Stephanie, New York and L.A. aren't exactly next door to each other..." Her adorable big French eyes widen and look sad, and Joey goes on, "but I been thinkin' of moving to L.A. for a long time now. That's where you gotta be if you wanna make it big in the movies. I think I'm finished with New York. Maybe we can both go to Hollywood!" He has a big grin again by now as Stephanie throws her arms around him and rewards him with a kiss.
The next morning, we see Monica, Chandler and the Bingtwins packing to go. In another hotel room, Joey and Stephanie wake up together, while in yet another room, Mike packs the baby's things. Cut to Phoebe at the castle chatting to the caretaker lady. "So, we're going to spend a few days in Paris, and we'll be back next week when the owner is here, for the interview," she says, looking around at the castle as if she still can't quite believe she might actually end up living there.
"Oh, you make me feel so much better," says the old Frenchwoman. "She is, you know, like a 'ome to me, this castle. But my poor Paul, 'e cannot climb the steps or carry the 'eavy loads anymore. Last time 'e go the doctor, you know 'is blood pressure? Is 215 over 140. Pretty bad news, that's what the doctor say."
"Oh, how terrible," Phoebe says and then realization dawns and she looks around at the castle again, this time with a gleam of certainty in her eyes...her dream will come true.
Finally, to the last hotel room, where Ross and Rachel are in bed together-- with Emma lying between them. Rachel is awake, looking at Ross and Emma. Ross wakes up to find her staring at him.
"That's funny," he says, "I distinctly remember there being just two of us in this bed earlier." Rachel smiles. "Emma sometimes wakes in the middle of the night and climbs in with me. Jean-Pierre used to hate it ... it was awkward after he moved in."
Ross puts a hand on the back of his sleeping daughter and says, "Well, I don't mind a bit." Then he looks up at Rachel. "So, about last night," he says. "The perfect way to say good-bye...again?"
Rachel lets out a long sigh. "I don't know, Ross. I don't know what this is that keeps bringing us back together whenever we think we're finished with each other. We have our own separate lives now and even when I think about moving back to New York, I know I can't walk into your life and expect you to make room for me. I just wish--"
Ross cuts her off. "Rachel, I've kept my mouth shut all week while Monsier Prettyboy was here, but after last night, I've got to say this, even if it's crazy. I've had two years alone in New York to try to get over you, and it hasn't worked. Oh, I've been fine, I've even dated people, but whenever I see you I'm right back to square one. I want to be with you--in Paris, in New York, in Timbuktu, it doesn't matter. I want you and me and Emma to be together, be a family. Maybe even give Emma a little brother or sister. I just want us to be together. I can't help it...I think I'll always want that."
Rachel looks down at him, puts her hand over his, but says nothing. A song starts to play. We fade to a scene of the Friends, kids, and Mike all saying goodbye outside the hotel. The music is still playing so we catch only snatches of dialogue -- they are making promises to come back and visit Mike and Phoebe in France, to visit Joey in L.A., wishing Monica and Chandler luck with the new baby. Emma and the Bingtwins are tearing around like whirling dervishes while the adults hug and kiss. Ross and Rachel are standing next to each other but amid all the hugging you can't tell what Ross and Rachel are saying to each other.
The final scene is in Monica's old apartment, now decorated with all Ross' things. Ross scurries around in the kitchen making supper when the door opens. Rachel stands there with Emma in her arms. Ross goes to the door, hugs them both and draws them in to the apartment, saying, "Welcome home. Welcome home."
And that, my friends, is what we call.... CLLLL-OSURE!
Author's Note: I'm a ten-year Friends fan even though I often felt in the last few seasons the show's writing didn't live up to its potential. Most of the things that disappointed me were evident in the finale: Disappearing Emma and Disappearing Children in general, this unrealistic TV-world view of parenting where children conveniently vanish when you don't need them onscreen; the Ross-and-Rachel love affair that seemed to have gotten so silly with neither of them ever really growing up or learning anything; the way Monica and Chandler's marriage was played out, with Monica being a bit of a bitch to Chandler, who was always my favourite Friend. Also, I wished the finale had had a little more...oomph, I wished it had been a little more exciting and less predictable, and I would have liked for Joey and Phoebe to have storylines of their own. So, after viewing the finale, I wrote this fanfic about the finale I wished they had done. It's not really polished in true fanfic style, but perhaps if people like it I'll put a little more work into it someday.
Obligatory disclaimer: these characters are the property of Bright-Kaufman- Crane, the people who actually wrote Friends...they're not my characters, and this thing I've written is just for fun, not for profit. This particular bit of prose is my property, however, and is copyright Trudy J. Morgan-Cole, 2004.
Previously on Friends... we revise history a little to note that Monica and Chandler's babies were actually born in the second-last episode of the season. Since the birth was the main focus of that episode rather than being squeezed into the finale, several things differed: Monica's parents were at the hospital for the birth, as were all the Friends, as well as Erica's (the birth mom's) mother and best friend (what, she's supposed to go through this with no support team of her own??). Squeezed into the end of that episode was Rachel's departure for Paris ... she does sleep with Ross the night before, as in the real series, but that's it--it is, as she said, "the perfect way to say goodbye" and Ross does not chase her to the airport. She just gets on the plane and goes. Oh, and Ross moves into Monica and Chandler's old apartment, and my finale is a two-hour special, not a one-hour.
The finale opens...with Rachel walking down a street in Paris, looking very Parisian and happy in the lovely late-afternoon Paris sunshine, wearing a large hat. She's coming home from work. She stops to pick up some baguettes at the boulangerie (insert other Paris cliches here), she says hi to a few neighbors in perfect French. As she approaches her apartment building she meets up with a very pretty young French girl who is walking hand-in-hand with an adorable three-year-old. Oui, it is Preschooler Emma and her Hot French.
Rachel sweeps Emma up into her arms and we realize, as we see what a big girl Emma is, that Time Has Passed since last week's episode. Rachel exchanges a few brief words with the nanny, Stephanie, who then goes on her way. But before Rachel gets into the building she is stopped by a stunningly attractive man, her Hot French Boyfriend Jean-Pierre (yes everybody in France is hot. It's my fantasy world so don't go bringing up Gerard Depardieu). He is on his way out, gives her a quick kiss and says he'll be back later tonight, has a dinner meeting with a client (we don't care what he works at, we just need to establish that he's there and he's living with Rachel). Rachel and Emma go upstairs to their Hot French Apartment (I'm on a roll here) and Rachel checks her answering machine. There is a message from Joey, who is still living in New York. He tells her with great excitement that he has a part in a movie being filmed in France, and can they get together while he's over there? While Rachel is smiling about this, she gets her second message--from Ross. Ross is coming to Paris for some kind of paleontology wing-ding, and he's going to take a couple of week's vacation afterwards so he can take Emma for awhile. It'll be at the same time Joey's going to be over there, so he suggests maybe they can all get together and have a mini-reunion.
Rachel stares thoughtfully off into space while Emma opens a cupboard in the Hot French Kitchen and pulls all the Hot French Pans out onto the floor with a terrific crash.
The next scene opens with the exact same crash, only it's twice as loud! We're in Monica's kitchen and the two-year-old Bingtwins, Jack and Erica, are pulling all Monica's pans (she has a lot more pans than Rachel does) out onto the floor. Monica is not staring dreamily into space; she is screaming maniacally at the kids, who are gleefully ignoring her. All around Monica is cooking paraphernalia and she is obviously trying to concoct something huge but every time she turns around to remove one twin from something, the other twin gets into something else. The phone rings.
It's Rachel, calling from Paris, telling Monica about her two phone messages. Monica knows about both Joey's and Ross's trips to France and says how much she wishes she could have a trip to France...without the kids. Rachel says, "Oh, it would be great if Chandler could come," and Monica says, "Oh yeah...I guess Chandler could come too."
The conversation continues as Monica removes her children from various lasagna pans, etc., and we learn that Rachel is uneasy about hanging out with just Ross and Joey. Although she and Ross have had contact over the last two years as she has brought Emma back to NYC for visits, this would be a first time for Rachel herself spending any time with Ross, and given their past history she doesn't think Joey is the best person to smooth things over and make them comfortable. Also, she hasn't seen Ross at all since Hot French Boyfriend has moved in, and she feels a little awkward about that. This conversation gives us plenty of opportunity to give the audience a little backstory on what's been happening in the two years since last week's episode, as well as numerous chances to see both Rachel and Monica trying to carry on a phone conversation with small children in the room.
Next scene, still at Monica and Chandler's place after Chandler's home from work and the kids are in bed, reveals the depths of the midlife crisis Monica is enduring. All is not sweetness and light at the Geller-Bing household. Monica, who gave up her chef's job in the city to stay home and raise the twins, is trying to get a catering business off the ground but is driven insane by the demands of both kids and business. She is trying to be Suburban Supermom, refuses to hire a babysitter while she works from home because, you know, she's Monica and she can do everything. She's being nastier than ever to Chandler and basically blaming him for everything that's wrong in her life, as if he's the one forcing her into a suburban housewife mode even though this is clearly Not His Fault. We also discover that Monica and Chandler have just learned they are going to have another baby--one they've conceived themselves (hey, it happens; people with fertility problems sometimes do adopt and then conceive naturally later...it's TV-land and I'm saying this is what happened, OK?) Instead of being ecstatic as they would have been two years ago they are both a little ambivalent: can they handle another baby when they have their hands full with the twins? Is this going to further derail Monica's attempt to have a life of her own?
Chandler suggests that a trip to France without the kids is just what they need, especially since with the new pregnancy it will be awhile before they can take another trip. You can tell he's thinking of rekindling the excitement and romance of their relationship while Monica is just thinking about getting away from it all.
Further scenes reveal everyone getting ready for the trip to France, including Phoebe and Mike and their six-month-old baby who is going to spend virtually the whole movie in either a snugli or a backpack. However, at the last minute Monica's parents have a crisis (I'm thinking maybe Jack has some health issue that's not serious enough to keep Monica home but major enough that they can't watch two energetic toddlers for a couple of weeks) and can't take the kids. Monica is obviously frustrated and says they should just cancel the trip, but Chandler convinces her that they can make it a family vacation and have fun. So everybody goes.
Most of the action of the finale takes place in the stunningly beautiful village in Brittany where Joey's movie is being shot, with much of the movie taking place in a thirteenth-century castle (we can call it Hot French Castle for now). Rachel brings along Stephanie the nanny to look after not only Emma but also Monica and Chandler's kids (of course they pay her extra for this). Joey is trying to learn the French phrase for "How YOU doin'?" so he can pick up Hot French Girls, and much hilarity (which I won't bother to write down because I can't really write comedy) ensues over his attempts to do this ... I don't actually know what the appropriate French phrase would be, but I'm thinking of "Ca va?" which Joey would find very frustrating because it's so short and there's so few ways he can pronounce it to really make it sound sexy, but it would be fun watching him try. Of course as soon as he sees Hot French Nanny he lays a big "Ca VA?" onto her and before you know it they are having a Hot French Affair.
And they must be putting something in the water in this little town in Brittany, because Joey and Stephanie are not the only ones seeing some action. Monica and Chandler, given a little child-free time while Stephanie has the kids, discover that the old flame that first kindled in London is still there 8 years later in France, and we see them sneaking away for quickies in various surprising spots. Meanwhile, there's obvious chemistry between Ross and Rachel as they catch up on what each of them has been doing. We see a few scenes with Ross, Rachel and Emma together and it's obvious how much they enjoy being a family; Rachel watches Ross with Emma and gets kind of misty-eyed at what a great dad he is (we also see Joey being blown away by the fact that a three-year-old can speak French and he can't).
But then--Hot! French! Boyfriend! shows up unexpectedly to surprise and delight Rachel with the fact that he's taken a few days off work to come join her. To everyone's surprise, Ross does not go into Jealous! Ross mode but is pleasant and charming to Jean-Pierre, forcing Rachel to conclude that Ross is really, finally, Over Her. But then we see a conversation between Ross, Joey and Chandler in which he is full-blown Jealous! Ross, making fun of Jean-Pierre's French accent and his full pouty lips. Ross confesses that he does still have feelings for Rachel. "Plus, I love being with her and Emma--like a real family," he adds. "I screwed up my chance to be a real father to Ben; I'm a weekend dad and that's not even every weekend. As long as Rachel and Emma live in France I'll never be more than a twice-a-year dad. That's not what I want. I want a real family--and I want it with Rachel."
"So, why don't you tell her how you feel, man?" Joey asks.
"For, like the millionth time?" says Ross. "C'mon guys, you've seen her. You see how happy she is, how much she loves her job and her life and even her--her French man. I just can't screw that up for her."
The making of Joey's movie proceeds, with all the Friends getting a role as extras playing part of a group of obnoxious American tourists on a bus tour. Everyone has fun with it except Monica who is obsessed with getting her part right and keeps arguing with the director and seems unable to accept the fact that she's just an extra and not the star (plenty of opportunities for humour here, written by Someone Who Can Write Humour, not me). Stephanie the nanny also gets a role as an extra; the movie Joey's in has a scene where Joey's character walks by a daycare centre and watches the children playing with their teacher. Stephanie gets hired to play the teacher and she's able to take the Bingtwins and Emma on the set with her.
Chandler has a heart-to-heart talk with Joey (picture beautiful French countryside settings for all these heart-to-heart talks) telling Joey how things have gotten really hot between him and Monica again (which of course Joey loves hearing about). But, Chandler says, he's afraid when they get back home, things are going to go back "normal," and Chandler can't take too much more of "normal" with Bitchy! Monica. He's confused because here they are "rekindling the romance," having another baby together, and, as he says, "I'm not sure I even want to have lunch with this woman, much less another baby!"
Phoebe falls in love with the town and especially Hot French Castle. She tells Mike she is convinced she lived in the castle in a former life and that it's her destiny to live there again. Mike loves it too, but points out it's kind of unlikely they could ever live there. Phoebe says, "No, I can feel it, this castle is calling to me. Pheee-beee, Pheeee-beee, it's saying! Come hoommme!!!" She suggests they can save up and buy the castle. Mike kind of rolls his eyes and points out that he's a musician and she's a masseuse and they're barely able to make rent on their apartment in New York. Phoebe brightens and suggests, "Maybe real estate is cheaper here!" She gets friendly with the elderly couple who are caretakers at the castle and the old woman tells her of a legend that the castle is haunted by the ghost of a young noblewoman who once lived there but was forced to leave when the castle was conquered by a neighbouring baron. She died far away but her ghost returned to haunt her ancestral home. "In those days," the woman adds, "it was called Castle Buffay, after the Compte de Buffay, her father." Phoebe realizes that she feels such a tie to the castle because she is in fact the reincarnation of this long-dead ancestress, and is more convinced than ever that this is where she, Mike, and baby belong.
While hanging around on the movie set, Joey overhears the movie's director talking on the phone to a producer back in Hollywood, raving about someone who is an amazing undiscovered talent. "Someone with that kind of natural gift for acting really needs to be in Hollywood," she says. "I can see a major role in the new picture...we'll have to talk about it, but I'm onto something really exciting here." Joey, sure the director is talking about him, gets very very excited.
That night, Phoebe has a dream in which she's the Ghost of Castle Buffay, wandering around the halls dressed in a flowing medieval gown wringing her hands and weeping. Over and over again she cries out, "215! 140!" Phoebe wakes up in bed between Mike and the baby (because you know Phoebe does the Family Bed, right?) and calls out the two numbers. "215! 140!" Mike rolls over, glances at the clock and mumbles, "It's 3:45 by me."
"No!" Phoebe says. "I've had a message From Beyond. My ancestor—the one who was me in a former life—she sent me those two numbers from Beyond the Grave. She wants me to live here, I can feel it. I just have to figure out what the two numbers mean, and we'll be able to buy the castle!" Mike, who is barely awake, listens to this all very seriously and then goes back to sleep.
The next day, Monica and Rachel have lunch together and Rachel confesses that although she's had two wonderful years in France she often thinks about moving back to New York. "It would be great for Emma to be closer to family--you see how much she enjoys playing with her cousins? -- and I think I'd like to be back in the States when she starts school. Plus, with the experience I've gotten over here I could move into a really good job in New York. I've gotten a few feelers from companies back home, but...I'm not sure."
"What about Jean-Pierre?" Monica asks. "How serious is that?"
"I don't know," Rachel admits. "You know, you're going to kill me for saying this, but...I think I still have feelings for Ross. Or maybe not still...maybe I have feelings for him again. He's changed a lot in the last two years, you know? I think he's grown up. Or maybe I have. But, I mean, I can see that he's totally over me, and I know that wasn't easy for him, so I'm not going to say anything to start that whole roller coaster ride again. Only it would be nice for Emma to have both her parents together...I'd really like to have a family like you and Chandler have..."
"Yeah well, you know what they say about the grass on the other side of the fence," Monica says. She confesses her frustrations with Suburban Houselife and with her kids and marriage.
"Some days I know Chandler's a great guy and I don't deserve him," she says, "and other days I look at him and think, If you make one more stupid joke I'm going to wait till you're asleep, sew you up in the sheet, drag you out in the driveway and back the SUV over you."
"So..." says Rachel after a slight pause, "that whole for better, for worse thing's not working out so great, huh?"
"Not so much," says Monica.
On the second (and last) day that everyone is doing the extras scenes, Monica freaks out on the set and yells at the director. The scene consists of Monica having to walk off the bus and snap a picture, but she keeps trying to upstage the actual actors who have speaking roles in the scene, and the director tells her if she can't stay in the background, she's fired. Monica tries to argue with her and then stalks away angrily, refusing to let Chandler or anyone else talk to her. Chandler stays to finish the scene. As Monica is gets back to their hotel, her cellphone rings. It's Stephanie the nanny, who is also shooting her scene with the kids that day. She's asking Monica to please come pick up Twin Erica, who has been asked to leave the set because she bit another child.
Chandler comes back to the hotel room later, carrying Twin Jack who is asleep in his arms. He finds Monica sitting on the couch crying with an exhausted Erica sprawled asleep with her head in Monica's lap. Monica is nearly hysterical as she tells Chandler, "I'm a complete screw-up. Not only can I not even walk off a bus and take a picture properly, I'm such an incompetent mother than I'm raising a child who bites other children!" As Chandler tries ineffectually to tell her things aren't that bad, she continues to vent, admitting that she has tried her hardest to be the perfect wife, perfect mother, perfect housekeeper, perfect chef, and she feels like she's failed at everything.
Chandler sits beside her, puts an arm around her, and says, "So you screw up sometimes. So what? I screw up all the time, but that doesn't make me a bad husband or a bad father or a bad person. Nobody expects you to be perfect, Monica--not me, not the kids, not our friends. Nobody expects you to be perfect--but you."
Monica looks up at him all teary-eyed and says, "Sometimes I think you won't love me anymore if I can't keep everything under control." Chandler says, "All that stuff I said at our wedding, about wanting to spend my whole life with you--I meant that. I never wanted some picture-perfect fairytale life where nothing ever goes wrong. I just want you--and our twins--and our new baby." He puts a hand on Monica's tummy and she wipes away more tears, happy ones this time. "I guess," she says, "maybe when the baby comes I could put the catering business on hold for awhile, till the kids are older, and just try to focus on one thing at a time."
"Sure," says Chandler, "if that's what you want. Or maybe you can go ahead with the catering business and we'll hire a nanny while you work. There are lots of ways we can work things out, and none of them has to be perfect."
"So you think, with enough love, we can make this work?" Monica says.
"Lots of love, and maybe just a little therapy," says Chandler.
"Ooh, did someone say therapy?" says Phoebe, who has just popped into their room without knocking for no apparent reason. "I can do that! Hey, do the numbers 215 and 140 mean anything to you guys?"
Chandler checks his watch. "I've got 6:25," he says.
We now cut to their last full day together. Joey has finished filming and they all have one free day before people have to head home. They plan a day trip to a nearby town, and Mike volunteers to stay back at the hotel with the baby so Phoebe can have the day just with her old friends. She thinks it's very sweet of him to offer to do that. Rachel's Jean-Pierre, however, is not so understanding and gets all sulky (in a Hot French Pouty way) when she says she wants to spend the day with her friends. She suggests that Jean-Pierre pick up Emma from Stephanie later in the day and take her for a little treat. Jean-Pierre looks unthrilled but agrees.
The Friends go to a nearby town where they spend a happy kid-free day together. Monica and Chandler walk hand in hand, obviously very much in love. Joey tells everyone about what he heard the director saying, and says they'll have to have their next reunion in L.A. when he moves out there. Rachel and Ross have one of those magical good-time days together, like the kind they show in a romantic comedy movie where the couple are Doing Fun Things To Music: skipping down the cobblestone street, taking bites from each other's plate at the outdoor cafe, picking up trinkets together in the outdoor market. Rachel tries on a scarf and Ross takes the ends of it and pulls her playfully towards him and there's one of those moments when they almost, almost kiss...then both turn away.
Cut to a scene of the village where the movie's being shot. Jean-Pierre picks up Emma from Nanny Stephanie at the hotel, just as the movie's director stops by the courtyard of the hotel and pulls Stephanie aside to speak to her. We don't hear what they say, though, because the camera follow a bored-looking Jean-Pierre who strolls down the street accompanied by a chatty little Emma. He promises (in French) to buy her an ice-cream cone. As he passes a sidewalk cafe he stops to talk to a couple of guys at one of the tables. He gets deep in conversation, and Emma, sighting a store farther down the street that looks like it might sell ice cream, wanders away. J-P doesn't notice she's gone.
Meanwhile, still touristing with the other Friends, Phoebe sees in a store window a notice about lottery tickets and a news story announcing that tonight's jackpot is the largest lottery prize ever to be given away in French history. "215! 140!" she yells, and goes into the store to buy two lottery tickets, using the numbers given to her in her dream. She is absolutely convinced that she is going to win the jackpot and be able to buy Castle Buffay.
Back at the castle, Mike (with baby in a snugli!) is chatting with the caretaker lady who has been so friendly to Phoebe. He learns that the caretakers are going to have to retire soon because the husband has severe high blood pressure and they are really not up to the work of maintaining the castle year round for the owner who is only there for a couple of weeks each summer, as well as looking after the tourists who come through the place. She says with a sigh that while there will be plenty of applicants for the job, the owner is afraid he'll never find anyone who will love the old place the way she and her husband did. Mike looks thoughtful.
Late in the afternoon, Rachel gets a frantic phone call from Stephanie, who took the Bingtwins to the park and returned to the hotel only to find that Jean-Pierre had come back without Emma. Stephanie has already alerted the local gendarmes who are searching for the missing child. Rachel is freaking out and hyperventilating as Ross tries to calm her. Of course they all head back at once.
Back at their hotel, Rachel confronts Jean-Pierre and flies into a rage about how he could be so stupid as to let a three-year-old wander away from him. While he tries to make lame excuses for himself, Ross steps up and socks him in the jaw, knocking him to the ground. Everyone looks impressed at Ross, and Ross stares at his own hand, mildly impressed himself. Then he says to Rachel that he is going to join the search for Emma, and she (Rachel) should stay at the hotel in case anyone gets any word. Rachel, sobbing uncontrollably, stays and Monica and Phoebe stay with her to comfort her. Nobody pays any attention to J-P who after awhile gets up and walks sullenly away, cradling his jaw.
We see Ross at sunset, walking out to the edge of the village with some hauntingly beautiful song playing in the background as he walks down onto the beach (did I mention this was a seacoast town? Well it is). Bu the water's edge he finds Emma, crouched down playing in the sand. When she sees him she lights up, says, "Daddy!" and runs to his arms.
Ross arrives back at the hotel with Emma in his arms. He, Rachel, and Emma all embrace and Ross kisses Rachel. The studio audience doesn't go "Ooooohhhhh" or "Aaaahhhhh" because I sprayed them with a tranquilizer gun before this scene was filmed.
In the hotel lobby, Phoebe has gathered everyone around the TV to wait for the winning lottery numbers to be announced. She is confident of victory, but as the announcer reads out the numbers she realizes she hasn't won. Her face falls. That's the moment Mike chooses to tell her about the caretakers retiring. He says he has already called the owner in Paris to let him know that he and Phoebe may be interested in taking the job, and that with a glowing recommendation from the old caretakers he thinks they have a very good chance of getting it. Phoebe's face lights up again. "We're coming home to Castle Buffay!" she announces to everyone.
"And we can all have cheap vacations in France!" Monica squeals with delight.
Hot Nanny Stephanie bursts into the lobby looking for Joey. Breathlessly, in her heavily accented English, she tells him that the director was talking to her and believes she has a certain star quality and has tremendous potential as an actress. She has been "discovered" and the director wants her to move to Hollywood where she has a role in mind for Stephanie in her next movie. "I will be so frightened to move to America," she says, "but at least you will be close by, Jo-eee?" Joey realizes that it was Stephanie, not him, the director was excited about, and he's not going to get any exciting job offer in Hollywood. "Y'know, Stephanie, New York and L.A. aren't exactly next door to each other..." Her adorable big French eyes widen and look sad, and Joey goes on, "but I been thinkin' of moving to L.A. for a long time now. That's where you gotta be if you wanna make it big in the movies. I think I'm finished with New York. Maybe we can both go to Hollywood!" He has a big grin again by now as Stephanie throws her arms around him and rewards him with a kiss.
The next morning, we see Monica, Chandler and the Bingtwins packing to go. In another hotel room, Joey and Stephanie wake up together, while in yet another room, Mike packs the baby's things. Cut to Phoebe at the castle chatting to the caretaker lady. "So, we're going to spend a few days in Paris, and we'll be back next week when the owner is here, for the interview," she says, looking around at the castle as if she still can't quite believe she might actually end up living there.
"Oh, you make me feel so much better," says the old Frenchwoman. "She is, you know, like a 'ome to me, this castle. But my poor Paul, 'e cannot climb the steps or carry the 'eavy loads anymore. Last time 'e go the doctor, you know 'is blood pressure? Is 215 over 140. Pretty bad news, that's what the doctor say."
"Oh, how terrible," Phoebe says and then realization dawns and she looks around at the castle again, this time with a gleam of certainty in her eyes...her dream will come true.
Finally, to the last hotel room, where Ross and Rachel are in bed together-- with Emma lying between them. Rachel is awake, looking at Ross and Emma. Ross wakes up to find her staring at him.
"That's funny," he says, "I distinctly remember there being just two of us in this bed earlier." Rachel smiles. "Emma sometimes wakes in the middle of the night and climbs in with me. Jean-Pierre used to hate it ... it was awkward after he moved in."
Ross puts a hand on the back of his sleeping daughter and says, "Well, I don't mind a bit." Then he looks up at Rachel. "So, about last night," he says. "The perfect way to say good-bye...again?"
Rachel lets out a long sigh. "I don't know, Ross. I don't know what this is that keeps bringing us back together whenever we think we're finished with each other. We have our own separate lives now and even when I think about moving back to New York, I know I can't walk into your life and expect you to make room for me. I just wish--"
Ross cuts her off. "Rachel, I've kept my mouth shut all week while Monsier Prettyboy was here, but after last night, I've got to say this, even if it's crazy. I've had two years alone in New York to try to get over you, and it hasn't worked. Oh, I've been fine, I've even dated people, but whenever I see you I'm right back to square one. I want to be with you--in Paris, in New York, in Timbuktu, it doesn't matter. I want you and me and Emma to be together, be a family. Maybe even give Emma a little brother or sister. I just want us to be together. I can't help it...I think I'll always want that."
Rachel looks down at him, puts her hand over his, but says nothing. A song starts to play. We fade to a scene of the Friends, kids, and Mike all saying goodbye outside the hotel. The music is still playing so we catch only snatches of dialogue -- they are making promises to come back and visit Mike and Phoebe in France, to visit Joey in L.A., wishing Monica and Chandler luck with the new baby. Emma and the Bingtwins are tearing around like whirling dervishes while the adults hug and kiss. Ross and Rachel are standing next to each other but amid all the hugging you can't tell what Ross and Rachel are saying to each other.
The final scene is in Monica's old apartment, now decorated with all Ross' things. Ross scurries around in the kitchen making supper when the door opens. Rachel stands there with Emma in her arms. Ross goes to the door, hugs them both and draws them in to the apartment, saying, "Welcome home. Welcome home."
And that, my friends, is what we call.... CLLLL-OSURE!