Believe
By Didi
Disclaimer: Marvel owns all rights to the characters, setting and back story.
Summery: Josh has another meeting with a kindred soul.
Timeline: Following the Death of Julie in Uncanny X-Men #441 and my other story, 'Frozen.'
Rating: PG
Author's Note: Follow up to 'Frozen.' I just wanted to write it because it needed to be written. Simple as that.
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Taking a deep breath, he glanced at the smiling Warren Worthington for a moment. With an affirmative nod from the man known by the X-Men as 'Angel,' Josh Guthrie took to the sky. There was nothing like the freedom of feeling the wind beneath his wings to relax him. And relaxing was something he desperately needed right now. A week at the Xavier's School of Higher Learning had been a good idea but the question and sympathy he was receiving from complete strangers wasn't conductive to his need to release the tension that's held him ridge since saying goodbye to Julia. With the exception of one brief encounter in the gym early one morning, no one in the whole school understood the heaviness that seemed to have permanently settled on his heart.
Josh had actually spent several days looking for that girl with the pretty blue eyes, just for a chance to talk to a kindred soul. He sensed in her a loss that was bone deep and just as heavy as his own. But in her eyes, he could sees hope¡K a thing he eludes him even in dreams. He needed hope. Even knowing that Julia would want his happiness in live, he couldn't hand on to the hope that the pain he feels today will ease with time and he could find happiness one day.
"Hang a right," Warren called out from his position on the roof, his dove white wings folded back so not to catch the wind and send him afloat. "Let's run through a few dodging exercises," he nodded toward the ground where several students had volunteered to volley some tennis balls. Normally, these exercises were done in the Danger Room, but Hank McCoy had hijacked the room for upgrades.
It had been Paige's suggestion that Warren teach her brother some practical defensive moves that may one day save his life. Not that Josh Guthrie was easy to kill. Others have tried and all they've managed to do was kill his heart¡K his Julia.
The yellow tennis ball hit him square in the forehead. It felt as if the Hulk had thrown the ball, knocking all his senses into a tailspin.
"Josh!"
A great swing of wind hit him first before Josh felt Warren Worthington catch him under his arms, sweeping him upwards into the air. A quick glance downward told Josh that Warren wasn't just a pretty face billionaire playboy, the man had skills. He must have caught Josh within a hair's breath of hitting the ground. The crash would have been excruciatingly painful.
"Joshua!" Paige ran to her brother as Warren landed with a gentle swoosh. "Are you all right?"
"Who's got the arms of Mike Piazza?" Josh asked as he rubbed his bruised forehead.
"Timmy," Paige responded absentmindedly as she examined the wounded area. "How many fingers am I folding up?" waving two fingers frantically in front of him.
"Stop that!" Josh snapped, batting the annoying rabbit's ears away. "I'm fine," getting up to brush off his pants.
"Are you sure?" she asked as Warren pulled her gently back.
Warren was a smart man. He knew distraction when he saw it in a man's eyes. "Take a walk, Josh, clear your head. We'll try this again when Hank completes the updates on the Danger Room."
"I want to fly," Josh told him. More than want, he needed it.
Nodding because he understood the need to feel the wind beneath you to make you feel complete, Warren pointed to the brick wall that encircled the school. "Don't leave the grounds, please." He'll have someone monitor the boy with security cameras that had been liberally installed around the school.
"Thanks," knowing that Warren was making an exception on his part. The students weren't allowed to fly solo, too dangerous even on school grounds. The X-Men had too many people that come knocking without invitations and those that do weren't exactly above murdering children to prove a point or get the X-Men's attention. God, the stories Paige had told him, including one where two of her friends were crucified on the front lawn, made him wonder why these people do what they do.
"Stay close!" Paige called out as Josh took to the skies once more.
Riding the gentle currents, he lazily did circles around the mansion for a moment to allow Paige time to assess his ability to fly solo because he knew his sister worries overly much, ignoring the admiring ohh's and ahh's from below, before taking off behind the school and away from the prying eyes of the student body. One of the most impressive thing about the Xavier school is its vast grounds including a small section of woods that allowed for seclusion when one needed it. Rumor was that that woods was home of the infamous Wolverine for a good period of time. Now that was someone he won't want to meet alone in the dark, no matter what his sister says.
The woods were quiet, with only the rustling of the leaves to slowly lull him. The tension across his shoulders relaxed slightly as he did lazy turns between outstretched branches that brushed lightly over feathers that appeared to have been kissed by the setting sun. The smell of wood and earth cleared his senses and he smiled gently as several birds made their way out to see who had joined their skies.
A soft lapping of water announced that he had arrived near the lake that Paige had gushed about. Water; the most soothing substances in the world. Yet it was so mercilessly deadly when not careful. That's how Julia died. Death by water.
He almost turned away, unwilling to look upon the calm reflective surface that took his Julia away, when he heard the gentle music that was haunting soothing.
Come to me now
And lay your hands over me
Even if it's a lie
Say it will be alright
And I shall believe
I'm broken in two
And I know you're on to me
That I only come home
When I'm so all alone
But I do believe
That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly you won't give up on me
And I shall believe
And I shall believe
His breath caught in his throat, not believing his luck. It was the girl from the gym. The one he's been searching for all over the mammoth building that the X-Men call home.
Landing at the edge of the woods, just before the clearing that led to the lake, Josh leaned against a tree and watched her for a moment. One slender arm was wrapped around her upturned knees while the other held a paperback book open. The gentle breeze that had carried him ruffled her shoulder length tresses. She wore a plain white tee-shirt over a pair of perfectly faded denim jeans and sunshine yellow flip-flops. She looked the picture of calm beauty just sitting there with the afternoon sun beating down on her as she read by the lake. Smiling, he took another moment to listen to the song that was emanating from the small portable CD player by the powder blue towel that the girl was sitting on.
It was soothing a balm on his troubled soul.
Open the door
And show me your face tonight
I know it's true
No one heals me like you
And you hold the key
Never again
would I turn away from you
I'm so heavy tonight
But your love is alright
And I do believe
That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly
You won't give up on me
And I shall believe
I shall believe
"You've got some interesting taste in music," Josh commented as he walked rather than fly toward the girl hoping not to scare her from this peaceful place. When she turned to look at him, he was again startled by the brightness of her gem-like blue eyes. "Nice place you found here."
She smiled at him, welcoming him into her sanctuary without a word. "I like it."
"I can see why," sitting down by her side as she closed her book and offered him a grape from the little plastic Tupperware bowl by her side. "Thank you."
"What brings you to my neck of the woods," she asked with her eyes over the gently lapping lake.
"The need to get away from all the eyes that watch me," including his overly protective sister. If anything, she's only gotten worse the longer he stayed with her at the mansion.
The girl chuckled softly, "Paige getting on your nerves?"
"How did you¡K"
"She means well, you know."
He knew. Family was important¡K especially in his family. "I wish she would stop treating me like I'm her baby brother."
She laughed; it was a twinkling sound. "You are her baby brother."
"I'm seventeen," he pointed out.
"And forever her younger brother," she reminded him. "Of course she is going to believe looking out for you forever and ever and ever¡K"
"I get it," he pouted and sighed, not sure if he was annoyed or amused. "But she doesn't have to treat me that way."
"Yes she does," the girl nodded her head and passed him her bottle of water which he refused. "You'd be disappointed with her if she didn't. It won't be Paige-like."
Josh looked at her sideways, feeling a strange sense of comfort in her presence though she was a virtual stranger to him. "You seem to know my sister pretty well."
"Well enough, I suppose," she answered with a shrug and glanced at him. "Are you okay?"
He really wished she hadn't asked that. "That seem to be the only question anyone asks me these days. I really wish you people would stop doing that."
One fine sable brow rose on her forehead. "So you want me to just ignore the fact that you're wearing a bruise the size of a goose egg on your forehead? It seem to be fading though so I can only imagine what it was like ten minutes before."
Wincing, "Open mouth, insert foot."
"What did you think I meant?"
Egg on his face, "I thought you were asking about¡K you know."
"You're girlfriend's passing?" she supplied helpfully with an impish smile.
"Yeah," not sure why he was blushing now but he could definitely feel his face turning warm. "Sorry."
"It's okay," she said easily as she leaned back and enjoyed the warm sun and cool gentle breeze. "I would have asked but I figure you'd be sick of talking about it by now. I know I would be. But if you want to talk about it¡K"
"No," he said quietly. "I've got nothing to say about it really."
"Yeah, I figured as much. What else is there to say besides that she's gone and you're grieving," she reached into her pocket and pulled out a pair of pink sunglasses. Perching them on her nose, she made a face at him. "I know, I know, they're terrible. But they hold sentimental values to me and they're the only pair I've got left."
"I wasn't going to say anything," he lied with a half suppressed grin.
She saw right through him. "Riiiight," and shook her head with exasperation.
He laughed; his first genuine laugh since that horrible day. It was like a weight lifted from him, making him almost giddy and lightheaded. There was something so charmingly disarming about the girl sitting by his side. With her, he didn't have to pretend to be brave and okay. With her, he was okay. There was an unapologetic understanding in her eyes that was like a relieving cool glass of water after being in the sun too long. She understood the pain, understood the need to leave it be, understood that he didn't need to talk about it for it to be okay.
Smiling, "Feel better?"
"Much," he answered with a grateful nod. "How do you do that?"
"Do what?"
"Make it so easy."
Plucking a flower from the glass, "Because I've been there, I've done what you're doing now," she whirled the flower between two fingers before offering it to him. "I know how hard it is to have everyone hovering over you like you're going to fall apart if someone says the wrong thing or see something that reminds you of the person that's gone. It drove me freakin' nuts."
"Yeah."
"But they mean well."
"I know," he sighed, "Doesn't mean it's any easier to swallow. Especially when they tell you crap like "It gets easier with time," or "Someday, you will find someone else," or the worse one yet, "I understand what you're going through." God, how the hell do you 'understand' unless you experience it?"
Nodding, "I think it's their way of offering you some comfort, to tell you that you're not alone in your pain."
"But I am alone," he said sharper than intended.
"You're not alone, Josh," she replied without any reaction to his outburst of emotions. "You've got friends, you've got family; you are never alone."
He shut his ears, hearing her and knowing it's true, "But it doesn't feel like it sometimes. All I feel is that I'm alone because she is gone."
She nodded. "The doctors would tell you that you're being irrational and that you're over reacting because of your extreme emotions." The look she gave him was both amused and annoyed. "Don't listen to them. You are what you are and you react the way you need to react. If that means you need to feel alone in the world because she's not here, than go ahead and rage at the world for taking her. We all grief differently."
"What did you do?" he asked, somewhat soothed by her understanding.
"Me? I ate ice cream, I worked out a lot, I cried, I pretended that everything was okay and then I cried some more."
"Did it work? The ice cream?"
"Yes," with sure conviction. "Chocolate too."
He smiled, appreciating the kindness in her true blue eyes. "And the crying?"
"Oh definitely."
He sighed from somewhere deep down. The aching was still there; no matter what he did, he still ached so deep that it seemed to have become a permanent part of his life. "I don't want to cry anymore. I feel like I've shed enough tears to drown all of Kentucky."
"Then aim for Tennessee," she suggested with sincerity. "Go for long walks, longer flights; go swimming in the pool, in the pond; drink beer and get drunk, that's what your sister did once; shout at people that try to give you pity, scream at the ones that say things that you don't like; let yourself grief the way you need to grief. Don't question it, just do it," she urged with a concern that he knew didn't stem from his loss but from her understanding of his loss.
And surprisingly enough, it didn't feel all together bad to accept that concern.
"Are you always this easy to talk to?" he wanted to know.
"Not always, I'm a real brat sometimes," she informed him with a smile as she glanced at her watch. A quarter to three. "I've gotta go, starts soon," and stood up with a stretch, facing the sun once more to catch the warmth across her pretty face.
"What ?" he wanted to know, hoping for a lead to her identity. This was the second time they've talked and again, he felt infinitely better for doing so.
"Wouldn't you like to know," she laughed as she picked her CD player. "Stay here, enjoy the sun and birds and what little peace you can get from here," she urged with a look in her eyes asking him to trust her. She took a deep breath and glanced out over the water. "It's so pretty here. I think Julia would have liked it here, don't you?"
Again she invoked her name. But unlike the others, he didn't feel the need to shout at her, telling her that how would she know anything about Julia when she's never met her. "Yeah, I think so too."
"See you around," she said and began to walk toward the woods.
"I never got your name," he called out to her.
Turning, she offered him another smile that was as warm as the sun that gave highlights of midnight blue to her raven locks. "Does it really matter what I call myself?"
Josh considered it, really considered it. Does it matter what her name was? Would it really affect the person she is, the way she was, the kind of soft gentle understand she gives? "No, I guess not."
Nodding her head in approval, she walked away. Just as she reached the woods, she turned and looked at him again. "Josh?"
"Yeah?" glad for another moment with a kindred soul.
She held his gaze. "It does get better with time. Someday, you will find someone else. And I do understand what you're going through." And with one last bittersweet smile, she was gone.
Standing here in silence, he digested those oh-so-hated words.
And he believed her.
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The song was "I Shall Believe" sang beautifully by Sheryl Crow. I love this song.