Disclaimer:
I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho.
This fic is dedicated to Disturbedvixen. I had 'Papercut' up before this, dedicated to her, but nobody read it (or rather, nobody reviewed it) so I decided to delete it and write a new songfic. This song is 'I Must Be Dreaming' by Evanescence. Sorry that it's not a Linkin Park song...those songs have confusing lyrics. Please review!! I think I made up a little of Hiei and Yukina's past…I haven't seen those episodes yet! T.T;
NOTE: The whole fic is in Yukina's POV. This is a one-shot. The only way I'd continue this is if I got 10 reviews or more, but I'd be surprised if I even got one -.-; Also, I am currently hating this 'Quickedit' on ff.net. It's screwing up the way my chapters look, and I refuse to update anything else until this is fixed.
Flashbacks (or thoughts, but I'm sure you'll figure it out)
lyrics
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I look around the garden and smile at my handiwork. Ever since Genkai died, I have been living at the temple, and taking care of it. Today I am cleaning even more carefully; I'm expecting guests. And that's when I realize that Hiei will be there, too.
Will he tell me today…or is he waiting for me to find out on my own?
I know for a fact that he's been trying to hide-though not very well-that he's my oniisan. I figured it out many, many years ago. Ever since I knew him more personally, I wonder how I hold myself back from throwing myself into his arms and tell him how I've known all along, but I can't; I can never do that. Even when he does tell me-if he tells me-I cannot do that. Not after that day that I discovered it; not after knowing the person he used to be…
How can I pretend that I don't see
What you hide so carelessly?
We were only infants, but we-or at least I-knew what was going on. You were wrapped in all those wards, but still able to see…you saw, as I did, the large axe. You saw it strike her back…our mother…
DEAD, right in front of our eyes. You looked towards me, and watched as I cried Hiruseki. And all the while, you…you just stared.
I saw her bleed
You heard me breathe
I couldn't bear to see you after that. I wished I'd never have to see you again…I looked away from you, still sobbing, and as I grew older, I never spoke much to anyone…because not only did they kill our mother, they then took away my only other family…you, oniisan.
And I froze inside myself
and turned away
My eyes went wide as they threw you off the cliff. I thought that was the end of you. I may not have been in that world for very long, but I knew-I KNEW that was wrong…that this shouldn't be happening. And I couldn't bring myself to believe it was real…
I must be dreaming
And after that, they carried me off, back to where I would grow up, year after year, feeling regret, and wondering what it would be like if you were here now.
When I was old enough to live on my own, I fled the island, and searched you out. What I found was not what I wanted to see. I saw the brother I thought would be kindhearted…MURDERING innocents. I watched from a distance…and couldn't believe that what we thought was so wrong to do to our mother, that you were doing now: killing youkai because they were weaker, or for something that was not their fault…and I felt my soul get ten shades darker…
We all live
We all die
That does not begin to justify you
I break from my thoughts, hearing knocks at the door. I answer it, and welcome in my guests consisting of Yusuke, Kazuma, Kurama, Keiko, Shizuru, and surprisingly, Botan, too. I wonder where Hiei has left to, but as I lead the rest of them to the backyard, I see him perched in a tree, and I smile my seemingly innocent and unknowing smile.
If he doesn't want me to know, then I shouldn't act like I do…
They begin to converse, and I speak to Yusuke. I bring up the subject of how I feel that I'm closer to finding my brother, and I see him looking around nervously.
He knows too…
All of them, save Kazuma, must know. Perhaps Keiko doesn't know either, but still…how long do they think they can keep this from me? I thought that when I found my oniisan, we'd be the family we never were; the family we could've been if he wasn't taken away. Is this really happening? Are you still that person I saw those years ago…? No…
No…
It's not what it seems
Not what you think
No I must be dreaming
And later, when they all leave and I flash my smile at them-the innocent smile, the perfect smile-I find myself deep in thought.
The oniisan I thought he would be-the loving, protective, and empathetic oniisan-…he was never real, just created from my naïve imagination.
It's only in my mind
Not in real life
No I must be dreaming
But that first time I saw him, the first time I learned who he was and still is, is etched into my mind, and it'll never be erased…
A blur of black sped across the plains of Makai, sword slashing. The figure paused, and stood smirking as ten other forms lay unmoving at his feet. I was dazed, knowing that this murderer-this heartless killer-was my own flesh and blood. I tried to move, but my feet were glued to the ground, awaiting his next move.
I wonder now if I should've said something; gone back to the village and notified everyone of the slaying of innocents. But…but what good would that have done? Had I wanted my oniisan to meet the same fate as our mother…?
Help, you know I've got to tell someone
Tell them what I know you've done
And I stood there…watching as more lifeless bodies fell noiselessly to the ground. I had wished that you wouldn't be like this-how I saw in my nightmares. And though you were-and still are, of course-my own flesh and blood, I couldn't help but be frightened by you, and didn't move.
I fear you, but spoken fears can come true
I know you most likely had no reason to kill those other youkai, and it still pains me to know that. Were you doing it just to show off? Even if they weren't completely guiltless, you had no right to kill them. And I still don't understand how you-the youkai who saw your own mother slain in front of you-actually killed for…what seemed like amusement? I guess there's no explanation…
We all live
We all die
That does not begin to justify you
And yet…and yet none of them know. I'm sure that Hiei hasn't even told Kurama all of his past. And…and they think that I don't know…after all this time…do they really think they could hide it this long? Maybe they do…
It's not what it seems
Not what you think
No I must be dreaming
Maybe it was all to turn out this way…maybe I was never meant to have family and never meant to find him. But…how can this be true?!
How?
It's only in my mind
Not in real life
No I must be dreaming
I clutch my head, and hiruiseki fall to the ground, making small panging noises.
This can't be true!! Why is this happening to me? Why -me-?!
Everything I am-innocent, sweet, naïve…happy…it's all a lie, none of it's true. I'm not the person I appear to be…
Not what it seems
Not what you think
I must be dreaming
And then, just when the pain becomes unbearable-like a pounding in my head-it fades…and I sit upright in my futon. I look around, breathing heavily.
Was it all a dream…?
Just in my mind
Not in real life
I must be dreaming…
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Thanks for reading. I hope you liked it, Disturbedvixen. Please review. And I noticed that the stupid tildes and asterisks dissappeared...oh well.