Only an Ocean Away
(1/4)
I see a shadow every day and night.
I walk a hundred streets of neon lights,
How is it that something that you dream about for years is the thing that ends up driving a splinter through you, splitting your life in two, and leaving a deep void, a dark abyss… a bottomless gap between your soul and your physical body? Even if your body goes through the actions, it is still an empty shell if your soul is not threaded into every fibre of your being. That is what I am: a shell, a lifeless drone that has been flitting through everyday life for the past two years… searching, ever searching for my soul, my light. Unfortunately, for me, the reunion between my body and my soul appears to be unimaginable, unfathomable… unattainable.
For the better part of a year, after falling through shadows, I lived my dream, almost. I explored what was beyond the clear blue ocean that surrounded Destiny Islands: the bane of my existence. The journey that began in Traverse Town soon took me to magical, fantastical worlds such as Agrabah, Atlantica, Halloween Town, Neverland, and even to the inside of a whale, Monstro. However, with each place I passed through, the shadows seemed to lurch forward, inch by inch, surrounding me, blinding me. Not even the extraordinary friends that I had made along the way could keep me from being slowly enveloped in darkness by my own fears, my own insecurities… my own heart.
Only when I'm crying.
Can you hear me crying.
Love, an awkward thing is it not? That one little word has so much meaning, so much depth… so much emotion attached to it. For many people, love is an abstract concept; something that is difficult to fully comprehend and difficult to obtain and keep. However, love is something that does not create confusion for me. Instead, love makes my life so much simpler, although that has not come without its downfalls: control, manipulation, and power. For another being to abuse the love of an individual can create some pretty complicated and dangerous situations. This is what I had to face in the second to last world of my journey: Hollow Bastion.
An unsettling static crackled through the air from the moment that the gummiship reached Hollow Bastion. Not only was I without my two seemingly faithful companions: Donald and Goofy, but my Keyblade had been taken from me. All I had was a large creature, appropriately named Beast, my satchel full of various potions, elixirs, and ethers, and my toy wooden sword…, which was next to useless. Without the Keyblade, I had little strength or defence, and nothing to channel any of the magic I had learned; to say the very least, I was small, weak, and extremely scared.
After finding my way up into the Entrance Hall, I was greeted with a most welcome sight: Riku. Only, it wasn't my Riku. There was something very different about him. This was not the first time we had met, and it definitely would not be the last, but this encounter was, perhaps, the most devastating blow to my reality. How can you go into battle against the one that you love? How can you fight against someone who is only a shell of his or her former self?
It was during that fight where I came to realize that I had to be strong and that I did not have any choices in the quest that fate had so cruelly plunged me. I had to be strong for the both of us because Riku could not save himself. While I know that I should be at least a little angry with my best friend, I also know that the choices that he made were not because he is evil and wanted to see me hurt. Riku made them because he had the same dream that I had, only his need to get off the Islands was much more of a priority in his life than it was in mine. Therefore, I cannot be and am not angry with Riku. Instead, my anger is towards two conniving, malicious… spineless creatures: Ansem and Maleficent.
So many times you always wanted more,
Chasing illusions that you're longing for.
These two mongrels… manipulated my dear friend and toyed with his mind while using his body as a vessel to carry out their rotten deeds. Maleficent took advantage of Riku's longing to set out on an adventure. She presented him with seemingly innocent power that corrupted him and drove him to do unthinkable things. That witch used Riku's love to turn him against me! I have never thought about Kairi in any other way but that of a sister! The only reason why I was so set on rescuing her was that I knew that she could not fend for herself, while Riku was more than able to look after himself. Maleficent twisted the situation around and made Riku believe that I did not care to look for him… that I did not care for him at all.
How… how could he believe the dribble that bled from her mouth? Could he not see the calculating, crafty grin that slid on to her lips whenever she received something she wanted? Did Riku want his dream so badly that he was willing to leave me behind in order to chase after silly illusions? Was his thirst for a sense of belonging so great that in the end, it was insatiable? I wish I could ask him these questions. How I wish I had not let him so willingly shut that door between us. I wish… I wish….
Wish I wasn't crying.
Can you hear me crying.
The stars mock me. I used to believe in wishing upon a shooting star, but ever since returning to the Islands, I find it hard to look up into the sky knowing that Riku is out there… somewhere. There are billions of stars in the sky, and knowing that he is amongst the vast expansion of the universe makes me more than a little upset. The stars know where Riku is; they know whether he is all right or not, yet they sit upon their velvety drapery and twinkle tauntingly down upon me, refusing to share their secret. I hate the stars. How dare they dangle something so precious just above where I am unable to reach.
My eyes begin to prickle with the telltale burning sensation that occurs when I am about to cry. Although I try to keep my emotions from taking over, there are some instances where the tears spring loose. Tonight, the stars trigger this fresh wave of salty saline release as the mere sight of them is enough to send rivulets of sorrow and regret coursing down my pale cheeks.
There's an ocean between us.
You know where to find me.
I let out a small sniffle as I wipe my nose with my arm, though I doubt such a small sound is able to be heard over the rhythmic break of waves across the endless shoreline. Silent suffering is the path I have chosen to journey down. I am not sure whether or not I am very good at hiding my inner turmoil, or whether my friends have just turned a cheek, not that I blame them if that is the case. I don't suppose I am the same person I was when I left the island three years ago. Too many memories are caught in my mind, too many awful things are stuck in my head; my thoughts are dark and my dreams torment me. It hurts too much to talk about what happened during my travels, although my parents and Tidus, Wakka, Selphie, and even Kairi to an extent, do not seem to have clued into the reasoning behind my silence. I am not ignoring them, per say, only the prying questions that they ask, even a year after coming back… without Riku.
Nobody talks about Riku… nobody even mentions his name anymore. His mother left the Islands shortly after I returned home… alone, and did not keep in touch with anyone. I may not talk very much, but that does not mean I am deaf or blind. However, my parents and friends… even perfect strangers on the streets on the mainland, have forgotten this and still gossip about what happened. What else are they to do, I suppose. The only other person besides me, who has any inkling of what went on, is Kairi, and even then, she does not know the whole story.
In the beginning, everyone understood about my not being able to discuss the terrible things that had occurred. Then, after a while, that understanding morphed into impatience and exasperation. Riku's mother nearly went insane over the disappearance of her son, and I did not have the heart to tell her that I had failed. I had failed in finding Riku and bringing him home to his grieving mother. He was her only child, her light, her world. To tell her that I had seen her son and let him lock himself away in the darkness without doing a thing…. To be perfectly honest, I did not think I could handle any more guilt over what I did not do. I was wrong.
You reach out and touch me.
I feel you in my own heart.
Below me, the cerulean waves lick at the sides of the paopu island, Riku's island. Nobody but me comes here now, not even the seagulls. Everyone refuses to talk about him anymore; they carry on as though he never existed. Many sleepless nights, such as this one, I've spent sitting on the paopu tree, just where Riku used to sprawl out, thinking about all of the trouble the two of us used to get ourselves into. Maybe it is up to me to keep his memory alive. I hate thinking like that- as though he is dead-, but I am at the end of my rope and am grasping for mere threads… anything that keeps me from believing that he is gone.
There is a difference between being dead and being 'gone'. When I turned into a shadow in Hollow Bastion, I was not dead, but I was not… alive at the same time. I think what frightens me the most is wondering whether Riku is in that shadow world. I know he is still alive, I can feel him. Nevertheless, what I do not know is where he is, which is much more terrifying than knowing that he is dead. I would rather him be dead than have to live as a shadow.
More than a lifetime.
Still goes on forever.
What good is life when you have no one to enjoy it with? If those damned stars would grant me one wish, I would go back to the way it was in the very beginning: just me and Riku. Now, do not get me wrong, I love the girl, but Kairi's arrival to the Islands was the driving force of a wedge that would eventually separate Riku and me. I may not know all of the details, but I do know that if Kairi had never come to Destiny Islands, Riku would not be lost right now.
My poor friend was so misguided and instead of coming to me, he chose to bottle up his emotions until they began to create shadows in his heart. I would have listened to him, if only he had asked…. I had been stupid and figured that he wanted to be alone. Therefore, instead of encouraging Riku and letting him know that I would always be there if he wanted to talk, I spent my time with Kairi. I stood there and let my best friend suffer in silence.
I was a horrible friend. It has taken me months to be able to admit to myself that I had failed Riku in that department. You just do not abandon someone, especially someone who is so dear to you. For so long I believed that I was doing the right thing in letting Riku deal with his issues himself. He was always a private person and preferred to deal with personal affairs alone, so, I let him.
That choice that I made is something that I will have to live the rest of my life with: knowing that I aided in my best friend's descent into despair and darkness.
But it helps to remember
You're only an ocean away.
Guilt is something that I have learned to deal with, not by choice, of course, but in order to keep myself from losing my sanity. I wish that there were some way that I could turn off my thoughts. Every waking moment is a torment of emotional turmoil, from the moment that I open my eyes until the moment that I shut them… if I shut them at all.
The thing that has helped me the most to deal with the guilt is bringing up memories of when Riku and I were younger. When I'm not sitting on the island, I'm at home, sifting through the many boxes of pictures that I've collected over the years. I'm working to construct a scrapbook of these photos, of these memories, although it is not something that I intend to keep; it would be too difficult. Perhaps when I find Riku, I will give it to him, but is that really ever going to happen? I wish it would. Maybe I could track his mother down.
Maybe… perhaps…, why is my life filled with such ambiguity? Why can nothing just be for sure, or absolute? I know that nothing is absolute, except for death, though the pain that makes my body tremble seems as though it will never cease. That is a certainty, isn't? I know that the only thing to make the hurt fade would be to have Riku in my arms. That is further away than a maybe, isn't it? So, if my pain is absolute and the only thing that will sooth my pain isn't even a maybe, then the equation will never balance out. I will never be able to ease the pain and I will never hold Riku in my embrace once more.
Was there a moment when I felt no pain.
I want to feel it in my life again.
The faint cries of seagulls sound in the distance. The horizon burns with brilliant hues as the sun begins its cyclic ascent into the sky. One would think that the beginnings of a new day would renew hope and bring a sense of perseverance after wasting the hours of the night pining and sulking over the unfairness of life. One would think….
I raise my knees to my chin and hook my gloved hands under my legs, taking a moment to regain my balance. The gloves on my hands were a birthday gift from Riku a few years before Kingdom Hearts happened. I had loved Riku's pair and would often beg him to try his on. He never let me. He told me that my hands were too little and that I had no reason to wear gloves as he did. That did not deter me from asking him at least once a day.
The coolness of the night breeze begins to warm with the sun and is soothing against my face as my lips curve into a smile at the remembrance of that memory. Those were the days… free of pain, hurt, and worry. Back then, the only thing to worry about was getting home in time for supper. Had I of known what was to occur in the years that followed that, maybe I would have cherished those moments a little longer.
Let it be over now.
Oh, Oh over now.
Many times I have contemplated suicide. My mother keeps telling me that I am depressed, but I know that I am not. How complete would my life be if Riku isn't here to share it with me? What sense is there in staying in this world if I am always going to be alone? I have no plans to marry or to have children of my own… unless Riku and I are there to parent them. I think the thing that upset my mother the most about Riku and I was the fact that she would most likely never have grandchildren. She was totally understanding of our relationship, but the grandchildren part hurt her.
I hate being the cause of my mother's worry and grief. I know that she cares for me and that she would do anything for me… but I don't think that she understands that what I need is not something that she can give me. This is partly because she doesn't know the whole story, and partly because all mothers, I think, think they can solve all of their children's problems. Or, they hope they can at least. I haven't the heart to tell her that she cannot help me, because what I need is impossible to obtain.
See? I'm causing people to hurt just by being here in the state that I am in. I don't need to add to my problems. This is why I think it would be better for everybody if I just up and killed myself. Of course, I would never do that. I can think about it all I want, but I know that I will never go through with it? Why? Because there is that small, miniscule chance that Riku will come home or that I will find him. That tiny fragment is what I cling to. It keeps me going, just barely, from day to day.
'Cause I remember all the days and nights
We used to walk the streets of neon lights
The sun is beginning to peek up over the horizon now. The sky is a rich orange in colour and the ocean is sparkling from the light. Riku and I used to watch the sunrise together sometimes. Early in the morning we would shimmy up a palm tree and sit on the top layer of leaves. Sometimes we would bring a blanket, or we would cuddle up to each other, but either way, we'd be together.
This is unfair! I recoil at the happy memory and bang my fist in frustration against the trunk of the paopu tree. My eyes burn again and I don't move to wipe away the tears that are springing loose. Instead, I lean my head forward, over the edge of the island, and watch as they fall into the ocean, mixing in with the swirl of the waves. Why, why, why?!
I try to stop thinking of Riku, but every little thing reminds me of him! Memories used to console me, but now they tease me of what used to be and what will never be. I hate it. I hate my life. I hate Ansem. I hate Kingdom hearts. I hate my mother for pitying me. I hate my friends for avoiding the issues. I hate Riku's mother for leaving. I hate… myself for just sitting here and not doing anything. I hate myself for finally giving up and returning home. I hate myself for failing Riku all those years ago with our friendship. I hate… I just hate… I fucking hate Riku!
Oh I want you here with me.
Oh be here with me.
I jump off of the trunk and then off of the edge of the island and into the cool water. I take a deep breath and submerge myself. I swim further and further out until I can swim no more and my lungs are burning for oxygen. How I would love to deny myself the horror of breathing again. I don't deserve to be here after all of the terrible things I have done and have caused to happen.
Finally, my lungs give out one last cry of desperation, and I propel myself up and break through the surface of the ocean, gasping and gulping for air. I was never any good at Blitzball anyways. Wakka and Tidus always tried to get me into the sport, but I never really caught on. I close my eyes and let the sweep of the waves bring me back to shore.
I make no attempt to get up, and instead let my body relax into the sand. Salty water drips into my eyes from my hair and my shoes and clothes are heavy with water and sand. My breathing is laboured and my chest aches from lack of oxygen. I let out a long sigh and close my eyes, trying to keep myself from screaming out in anguish. Again… nothing new, I fail.
There's an ocean between us.
You know where to find me.
"I hate you!" I scream out into the sky. I repeat this phrase a dozen times, each time my voice raising in volume, as I slowly get to my feet.
"I fucking hate you, Riku!" I scream again, screwing my fists into tight balls and shaking them in frustration. "Where are you?"
"Why are you doing this to me?" I yell as I begin to cry once more. I kick the sand in a childish way and then kick it once again. Violence was never something that amused me. However, I had to learn in my journey to defend myself. My hand has always felt empty since returning home, without the weight of the Keyblade in it.
With a burst of pent up emotion, I scream one last time… a loud, animalistic howl escaping my body. I let the noise carry on until I am weak and tired and I collapse into a heap on the sand.
You reach out and touch me.
I feel you in my own heart.
I don't know how long I laid there for. Perhaps I fell asleep, I'm not really sure. Kairi came by once, and I turned my face the other way and told her to leave me alone. She attempted to get me to move, but I ignored her until she finally gave up and left. Who knows what she was going to tell everyone… probably something about my having lost my mind.
I couldn't deny that fact. I had lost my mind. I had lost my mind, my soul; my heart… was there anything left that mattered? The last thing I needed right now was some psychiatrist poking and prodding into business that wasn't their own. Besides, if I were to tell someone what really happened, they would lock me up for sure. The idea of Kingdom Hearts was crazy enough to lock me up, let alone the idea of a talking duck and dog… and a whole other myriad of creatures and crazy people.
Help is something that I need. I can't deal with all of this alone. I think that I've been aware of this since day one, but the idea of talking to someone about crazy things would lead them to medicate me or do something else to make me forget. And… as much as the memories of the past haunt me, I would not ever give them up. I made too many friends (and enemies…) and I would not trade those in for anything in the world… except Riku. I need these memories to help keep my sanity, I suppose. As long as I have them, I know why Riku is gone and I know that there is some tiny chance that he could find his way back. I can't let anybody take that away from me.
More than a lifetime
Still goes on forever.
My mother had come over to our island and had taken me home. It wasn't until late afternoon that I fully realized that I was at home, in my bed. My mother's warm smile fell upon me and her eyes were wet with emotion as she held my hand in her grasp.
"Mom?" I asked softly, turning my head to face her. "I miss Riku." I didn't know what else to say. What else could I say? Everything led back to him….
"I know, sweetheart…" she said softly, brushing some of my unruly hair out of my eyes before laying her hand on my cheek. "…but, you must always remember that even if Riku is gone, a little bit of him will always be with you, right here." She moved her hand down and placed it palm down on my chest, over my heart.
The gesture warmed my heart a little. I hadn't let anybody touch me in a long while. However, she was wrong about what she said.
"Riku is not gone, Mom, he's just lost." I looked at her, pleading with her silently to understand what I was trying to say. "He's not dead… even though everyone thinks he is."
A puzzled expression crawled on to her face and she asked me what I meant.
I cleared my throat. "Riku is not dead. He is alive… I can feel him. I just don't know how much alive he is. He's out there somewhere… past the ocean, Mom. He's lost and can't find his way home… I know it. I know it because I was lost as well."
She still looked puzzled. I knew I wasn't making any sense. I knew that the time had come. I had to tell the whole story.
"I'm not crazy, I know it sounds like I am, but I'm not. Please, just hear me out and I'll tell you everything… beginning with that freak storm a few years ago. Only, you have to promise me one thing…."
"What's that?" she asked slowly, not having moved yet. Her hand was warm on my chest and that gave me a little strength to move forward.
I swallowed hard. "You have to promise that you won't lock me away."
She cracked a smile. "I'm sure that whatever you tell me, it won't be as crazy as you think it is."
How wrong was she? "I'm serious, Mom!" I bit out, pulling my hand from hers. "I've been through three years of hell! You don't know what I went through, what I've done!"
The smile faded away at my outburst. She straightened up in her chair a little and nodded her head. "I promise you, Sora, that whatever you tell me… no matter how it sounds; I will not lock you away. I've seen what you've been doing to yourself, sweetheart, and I think that if that is any indication of how bad the experiences you went through are, then I will believe you. You wouldn't do that to yourself without a reason."
Her smile returned again. "I'm glad you've finally decided to tell me what happened. I knew you would eventually…."
Now it was my turn to grin a little. My heart seemed a little less heavy at my mother's compassion. I squirmed a little, sitting up in bed, and turned to face my mother. Knowing that I would have her support helped give me strength for what I was about to say. As well, I drew courage from the fact that only an ocean separated Riku and I. He was alive out there… somewhere, and as long as I knew that he wasn't dead, there was always that small chance that he would come back to me… one day.
But it helps to remember
You're only an ocean away.
Only an ocean away.
Well, that is about it for this first part. I do not usually put A/N, but I just wanted to explain that these thoughts are not all connected together. What I mean is that, while each idea is put together with a verse, the ideas are not all thought out one directly after the other, so minutes or even hours could pass between them. This explains why some ideas are directly related to the previous ones and why some seem to come unexpectedly. I think that this is a more natural depiction of how a person (at least myself) really explores and ponders ideas.
I have a tendency to write more character-driven pieces, as opposed to plot-driven pieces. The human mind and reasoning is much more interesting to explore. Do you not ever wonder why we do the things that we do? In my writing, I attempt to answer some of the questions that jump out at me, especially in fictitious characters, as the author or creator leaves much to the imagination.
As for characterization, I think that Sora is much more intelligent than he comes across to be. Keep in mind, that for all purposes of this fic, he is three years older, and none the wiser to boot. Life experiences bring wisdom, knowledge, understanding, reasoning, and a bit of cynical criticism to a person, and I want to show just how deeply Sora has been affected by the experiences he has had… especially as they occurred at such a young age.
So, that all being said, I hope you enjoyed this first part, even if it was only a little. I know that my writing can be a bit heavy at times, and I am not too fond of the fluff factor, but I do promise that there will be some sort of fluffiness to come later on. Whether it is in the end, or during flashbacks, I am not quite sure yet, but I will make sure there is some in the story.
If anyone would like to beta for me, any help is appreciated. Thank you kindly in advance and I hope you come back for the next part!
PS I would just like to thank Elements of Light for such a nice review… and I hadn't even begun the story! I don't get many reviews, but the ones that I do receive are always very thoughtful and motivate me to continue writing, even if it is one person who's reading my work! So, thanks very much for the kind words… and I hope you enjoyed this first part.