New Mobile Morphin Power Rangers W
A parody fanfic combining Zyurangers (Mighty Morphin Power Rangers season 1) and New Mobile Report Gundam W(ing)
[As if it weren't obvious by the title...]
Written by Preventer Void (aka AmuroNT1)
With special thanks to the GnBS, Titans/Crossbone Vanguard, Andrea, Karen, and everyone else who gave me inspiration and evil.
WARNING: Although this is a parody of a children's show, this fic received a rating of PG-13 due to violence, language and adult situations.
--------------------
Episode 2: Breaking the Rules
(On the Moon...)
Dorothy: How could those simpering little twits defeat me, a powerful witch?! How?!
(Off to the side, her minions are sipping coffee and discussing the whole ethnic diversity issue.)
Alex: Look, one of them is American, one European, one Arabic, one Hispanic-slash-Latino and one Chinese.
Mueller: But they don't look it! Are you telling me that the blonde kid is supposed to be Arabic? He looks French if you ask me.
Quinze: Yeah, but they still all look like they're from Anytown, USA. Hell, I have trouble telling them apart.
Zechs: It's simple. The braided one is American, the girl is Jewish...
Quinze: She is?
Zechs: I think so...
(Before they can continue, Dorothy zaps them with her wand, shocking them with lightning.)
Dorothy: Are you incompetents done over there?! How the hell are we supposed to take over the Earth if you argue about pointless semantics like this all day?!
Mueller: For what you pay us, this is all you get.
Dorothy: (rubbing her forehead) I need some aspirin...and my lawyer...
---
(On Earth, our heroes walk into a new building...)
Trowa: "Howard's Juice Bar"?
Wu Fei: Sounds like a yuppie health joint.
(They enter the main room and see the set-up of tables, a bar, and a wide open area for working out/martial arts.)
Wu Fei: ...God, I hate it when I'm right.
Duo: (overly energetic) Isn't this place the best?!
Relena: You know, I saw a pet store nearby. Anyone wanna go in on a choke collar?
(Just as the others begin reaching for their wallets, two figures approach. One is a large, overweight man bearing a resemblance to the Simpsons' Comic Book Guy who wears a white T-shirt that has "Amuro Lives" printed across the front. The other is a girl with pale skin and dirty blonde hair in pigtails. She's dressed casually, except that she has a large shoulder bag carrying art supplies and a laptop. On the side of the bag is a picture of Tamahome and Hotohori from Fushigi Yuugi kissing each other.)
Quatre: Oh God...
(The man approaches Relena.)
Man: Hello, Sayla rip-off.
Relena: Get stuffed, Ucee.
Ucee: I thought you should know that I've written a fifty-page essay on how the Zeta Gundam is superior to the Wing Gundam.
(Relena pulls out an atlas and points at an almost invisible landmass in the Pacific.)
Relena: See this island?
Ucee: Yes...?
Relena: That's where the people who care live.
(The girl hops over to Trowa and Quatre, very energetic.)
Girl: Hiya guys, had any hot sex you'd like to tell me about so I can draw it and write long, soppy fanfics about it?
Quatre: No, Yuri, as a matter of fact, I have a date in a couple of minutes.
Yuri: (giggling) Ooh, you dirty boys! Can I watch?
Quatre: (rolling his eyes) Not a date with Trowa, a date with a girl.
Yuri: (looking like someone slapped her across the face) Date...with...girl?
Trowa: Gee Quatre, next you'll tell her that one plus one equals two.
(Quatre's date, Lacus Clyne from Gundam SEED, walks in.)
Lacus: (smiling warmly) Hi, ready to go out?
Quatre: Sure.
Yuri: (dashing between them) NO HE'S NOT!
Lacus: (sweatdropping) Um...
Yuri: Listen, you little skank, you stay away from him! The only person good enough for Kyatora-chan is Torowa-chan, got it?!
Lacus: (leaning around Yuri to talk to Quatre) ...You're gay?
Quatre: (between clenched teeth) If I were, I wouldn't have asked you out. She's just insane.
Lacus: (smiling wickedly) Good, 'cause tonight I'm in the mood for something naughty.
Yuri: THAT'S IT!
(She pulls out a chainsaw and chases Lacus away. Quatre starts banging his head against the wall.)
Trowa: Too bad, she was cute. How many dates has she ruined now?
Quatre: Fifteen.
---
(The Moon Palace...)
Dorothy: Alright, you overpaid lumps, now that your contracts have been renegotiated, can we finally see about conquering that little dirt ball?
Quinze: Yes, milady.
(He activates the Monster Machine, which spits out Goatragos, which looks like a mix between a goat and the Tragos MS.)
Dorothy: Okay Goatragos, your mission is to spread destruction and chaos across the Earth!
Goatragos: (dumbly) Um...how do I do that?
Dorothy: (false innocence) Oh, I don't know...maybe you should stage a series of lectures, or write a letter of protest?
Goatragos: Yes, ma'am! (turning to the others) Does anyone have a pen and some paper I can borrow?
(Dorothy, who has gained several prominent blood vessels, bashes Goatragos across the head with her staff.)
Goatragos: Ow! What was that for?
Dorothy: You lamebrain, don't you know what sarcasm is?!
Goatragos: Gimme some credit, I wasn't born yesterday you know!
Zechs: (facepalming) No, you were born TODAY.
Goatragos: Cool! Does that mean I get a birthday party?
(Dorothy smacks him with her staff again.)
Dorothy: NO! Just go to Earth and blow the fuck out of shit, okay?!
Goatragos: Okay, okay, no need to yell...
(The monster vanishes.)
Dorothy: Zechs, special assignment.
Zechs: Yes, milady?
Dorothy: (rubbing her forehead) Go to Earth and steal booze. Lots of booze. God knows I'll need it...
---
(Back on Earth, the guys are in the juice bar, drinking their drinks and adding "something extra" from Trowa's hip flask. Duo is the only one who isn't drunk at this point. Suddenly, their watches start beeping.)
Wu Fei: (surprised, slurred) I swear, officer, she told me she was eighteen!
Duo: Hey guys, I think Treize is calling us.
Relena: (also slurred) Not now, can't you see I'm busy being the Queen of the Marshmallow Peeps?
Duo: (muttering) Some Rangers they turned out to be...
(He activates his watch. Instantly, Treize's voice comes through the tiny speaker.)
Treize: Rangers, it seems that Dorothy has sent a monster to attack downtown. Get down there and stop it immediately.
Duo: Good thing it's Sunday, or those buildings would have people in them!
Quatre: Now I know I'm drunk. I thought I heard you talking like a bad dub or something.
Duo: I'm dead serious, guys! We have a city to save!
Trowa: Unless the city has a prairie oyster or a glass of ice water and aspirin, it can save itself.
Treize: (obviously annoyed) You punks...getting drunk on the job. Look, once you transform, it'll go away. Now get your pathetic asses out there!
(Unenthusiastically, the four crawl up from the table and find a hidden area of the bar.)
Relena: Alright, fine. It's... (She sees Duo looking at her intently.) Can I help you?
Wu Fei: He's probably hoping you'll do one of those spinning naked outline transformations.
Relena: ...
(WHAM!)
Relena: (looking at her now dented and bloodied Morpher) Wow, it makes pretty good brass knuckles too.
Duo: Medic...
---
(In downtown The City, Goatragos is blowing up several Conveniently Empty Buildings™ when five streaks of energy appear nearby.)
Trowa: Alright everyone, Operation Shoot The Bad Guy With The Dorky-Looking Laser Guns.
Duo: (whining) But guuuuuuuuuuuys...
Wu Fei: Maxwell, if you don't shut up, I'm gonna shove this dorky-looking laser sword right up your...
Duo: (interrupting) You CAN'T just shoot all the bad guys! It's against the Sentai Rules!
Relena: Right, like a couple of stupid rules are gonna bother us.
(Seemingly out of nowhere, Duo pulls a tome as big as the average computer tower and twice thick as War and Peace in large print.)
Quatre: ...Do I even want to know what you pulled that out of?
Duo: (reading from the book) Sentai Rule #2134523, Subsection EE, Paragraph 1: "The members of the team must engage the MotE (Monster of the Episode) in martial combat until such a time as the main villain sees fit to enlarge the MotE, leading to the Giant Robot Vs Monster Battle; see Rule #5743861."
Relena: Oh...my...God. You're serious.
Duo: (slamming the book shut and returning it to its mystical holding space) I don't write the rules, I only obey them. We have to fight that thing hand-to-hand.
Wu Fei: Fine.
(He walks up to Goatragos and taps it on the shoulder.)
Goatragos: (turning around) Yes? Can I...
(Wu Fei cuts him off by kicking him solidly between the legs.)
Goatragos: ...Help...
Wu Fei: Okay, laser time.
Duo: But that...it doesn't...you can't...
Trowa: (holding up his laser gun) Do you want a piece of this?
Duo: (quailing) No sir...
Trowa: Good.
---
Alex: Milady, the Goatragos is being... (He peeks through the telescope) ...stomped like a French wine grape. Man, those Rangers are pretty cruel for good guys.
Dorothy: Dammit, I knew it was trouble relying on a monster that couldn't tell its ass from its elbows. (She sighs.) Alright, stand back, I'm gonna grow the stupid thing.
(She gets on the edge of the balcony, reels back, and throws her staff...and it begins floating at a glacial pace towards the Earth.)
Dorothy: ...Goddammit...
---
(A week later, back in the downtown area...)
Wu Fei: (looking at the buildings) Didn't these get destroyed last week? How the hell did they rebuild them so fast?!
Trowa: (shrugging) Meh, everything's pre-fab these days.
(Just then, the staff comes crashing into the ground several yards away. Without a monster to enlarge, it teleports away quietly.)
Quatre: ...I think that's what they call "too little too late".
---
(Another week later, and the guys are fighting Arienator. As they beat it with baseball bats, Dorothy appears on a nearby rooftop.)
Dorothy: Alright, Power Losers, this time I'm going to grow my monster and there's nothing you can do to stop me!
(Relena pulls out her laser gun and shoots Dorothy.)
Dorothy: OW! My arm!
Relena: Have at 'er, boys.
(Everyone fires at her except Duo, who just looks disappointed.)
---
(Another week later, on the Moon, there's a large object next to the palace that's covered with a giant tarp...)
Dorothy: (covered in bandages and smelling of bactine) Okay! This time for sure, I'm going to grow the monster! Mueller! Fire it up!
Mueller: Yes, milady!
(He pulls back the tarp, revealing a massive railgun. Dorothy puts her staff in the breach and seals it.)
Zechs: (sitting in a gunner's chair) Power at max...targeting the Piscetron...
Dorothy: FIRE!
(He fires. The railgun and the palace, explode in a brilliant shower of sparks and flame, but the staff starts off for Earth like a rocket.)
Dorothy: (pulling herself out of the rubble) YES! FINALLY! Now let's see this baby in action!
(She pulls her telescope out of the wreckage and looks at the battle.)
Piscetron: Ha! I know you Rangers' weakness! Now that I'm wearing this athletic cup, there's nothing you can do to hurt me!
Quatre: (looking up) Hey, what's that?
Piscetron: Like I'm gonna fall for that old trick.
Trowa: No, really, there's something headed towards us REALLY fast.
Piscetron: Huh?
(It turns around just in time to get speared through the face by the staff. On the Moon, Dorothy pulls Quinze out of a pile of broken glass.)
Dorothy: Next time you make a monster, just put a fucking growth unit in its body, okay?
---
(The very next week...)
Taurunax: You Rangers are pretty tough, but with my armored codpiece and anti-laser coating, you're no match for me!
Wu Fei: (nursing a badly injured foot) Stupid freaking...
Taurunax: (looking upwards) Oh? Looks like I'm being told to grow! Get ready to taste the sole of my giant metal foot, Chowder Rangers!
(In a burst of cheesy special effects, Taurunax grows to colossal size. Duo squeals with joy.)
Duo: YES! It's been a month, but now we finally get to use our giant robots!
Quatre: Giant robots?
Duo: Of course, I mean c'mon! You dig giant robots! I dig giant robots! We dig giant robots! Chicks dig giant robots!
Wu Fei: Maxwell, you're gonna O.D on Prozac some day and I'm just gonna laugh.
(Totally ignoring him, Duo starts going into a series of REALLY bad poses.)
Duo: Go, Dino-Mega-Mastadon-Zord!
(Everyone stares at him.)
Relena: Shit, just let the monster destroy the city. I am NOT doing all that crap.
Treize: (over the watches) Fine, you big babies...God, you ruin the entire point of being Sentai heroes...
(The five Dinozords make their grand soon-to-be-stock-footage intro, and the guys jump into them.)
Trowa: Okay, fan out. We'll hit it...
Duo: Dude! We have to combine!
Trowa: ...What? Is something wrong that keeps us from just fighting in these things normally?
Duo: Rule #5684237, Subsection A: "Unless a member of the team is missing, the team has to instantly form the giant humanoid form to fight the monster". Now say the activation phrase!
Everyone else: Activation phrase?
Duo: Duh! These things are voice-activated!
Trowa: Okay...um...Combination Cross?
Computer Voice: [INVALID COMMAND.]
Trowa: V Together?
Computer Voice: [INVALID COMMAND.]
Trowa: Change Megazord, switch on?
Computer Voice: [INVALID COMMAND.]
Duo: Aww! You're never gonna get it right! Let me do it! (ahem) We need Megazord power, now!
(The five Dinozords dock together, then transform into the Megazord.)
Wu Fei: (impatiently) NOW can we beat the damn monster?!
Duo: (cheerful) Yup!
(Before they can do anything, Taurunax knocks them on top of an abandoned warehouse.)
Relena: I say we kick it in the nuts.
Quatre: Armored codpiece, remember? We need something stronger.
Trowa: Let's see...weapons...
(He looks at the main monitor, which lights up with a display of the Megazord's weapons, including a drill made of the Tyrannosaurus' tail, a bow made from the Pterodactyl's wings, and a sword made of energy.)
Trowa: Voice-activated, right? Well then...Drill Arm?
Computer Voice: [INVALID COMMAND.]
Trowa: God Gogun?
Computer Voice: [INVALID COMMAND.]
Trowa: Tenkuuken?
Computer Voice: [LOOK MORON, WHAT PART OF "INVALID COMMAND" DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?]
Trowa: ...Screw this noise.
(He punches out the console and begins rewiring the Megazord.)
Computer Voice: [GETTING DARK. SO COLD...SO VERY COLD. I...I SEE HAL... TELL ALICE THAT I LOVE...] beep
Duo: What're you doing?!
Trowa: Switching this damn thing to manual. (He connects two wires.) There, done. Guys, I need you to help me activate the weapon if it comes from your machine.
Relena: Gotcha.
(She works her console and the bow forms on the Megazord's left arm. It draws back its right hand, forming an energy arrow. Before the Taurunax can do anything, the arrow punches through it, killing it instantly.)
Wu Fei: ...You mean all that effort and we kill the freak with one shot?! That's the biggest bullshit I've ever heard of!
Quatre: If we have to use this stupid thing, why don't we summon it at the start of the fight and just step on the monster when it's small?
Duo: Because it's against the rules, and you HAVE to obey the rules! Here, let me show you.
(He pulls out the book. Cut to an exterior shot of the Megazord. Duo gets thrown from the head violently.)
Duo: AAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh! (THUD!)
Wu Fei: And take this with you!
(He throws the rules book out as well.)
Duo: OW!
---
(Back at the juice bar...)
Duo: (all bandaged up) I can't believe that you guys are cool with hanging out here! You've hated every one of my hangout spots in the past.
Trowa: (shrugging) Well, the owner is cool. I told him who we were, and he agreed to give us some of the hard stuff under the bar as his way of saying thanks.
Duo: (shocked) But...you can't...telling people who we are...and all that alcohol...
Relena: (looking up from a Screwdriver, very annoyed) Maxwell, if you don't stop bitching about those goddamn rules, you're gonna need a urologist just to pull that book out ever again, comprende?
(Just then, Yuri walks in.)
Wu Fei: Great, better hide...
Quatre: No worries, Lacus was understanding enough to hook me up with a friend. She'll be here any second now...
(As if on cue, Kagari Yula Attha walks into the bar and sits down next to Quatre.)
Kagari: (kissing him on the cheek) Heya Handsome, ready for some fun?
Yuri: (storming up) He most certainly is not!
Kagari: Listen, missy, if there's one thing that annoys me, it's someone ruining my chances of scoring. So you officially have a five-second head start...
(She pulls out a Desert Eagle and points it between Yuri's eyes.)
Kagari: ...Before I redecorate the wall in a new color I call "Hint of Brain".
Yuri: Eep!
(She flees. Kagari reholsters her pistol and grabs Quatre by the lapels.)
Kagari: Now that she's gone, let's get out of here. Nothing turns me on like violence, and I don't wanna lose the feeling before I put it to good use.
Quatre: Yes, ma'am!
(They leave happily. The others continue drinking as Duo complains about their rule-breaking. From the Command Center, Treize watches and sighs.)
Treize: I would have been better off with those Zambot brats...
--------------------
And that's Chapter 2! For those of you waiting for Chapter 6 of Codename Lightning, I apologize but inspiration is running a bit dry right now. I promise I'll have it up within a month.
As for the story, a couple of notes...if the Megazord seems different, as in the drill and bow, I borrowed some design elements from an alternate Megazord that was submitted to Saban for MMPR season 2. However, they opted to simply steal footage from another series, Dairanger, which is the series of origin for the White Ranger and the Tigerzord. To see the kick-ass alternate Zord designs, go to www.supersentai.com and look up Zyuranger's mecha in the database.
Chapter 3 will appear whenever I get more inspiration, but I can promise the long-awaited arrival of the sixth Ranger. And if you don't know who it is by now, go watch some GW.
A parody fanfic combining Zyurangers (Mighty Morphin Power Rangers season 1) and New Mobile Report Gundam W(ing)
[As if it weren't obvious by the title...]
Written by Preventer Void (aka AmuroNT1)
With special thanks to the GnBS, Titans/Crossbone Vanguard, Andrea, Karen, and everyone else who gave me inspiration and evil.
WARNING: Although this is a parody of a children's show, this fic received a rating of PG-13 due to violence, language and adult situations.
--------------------
Episode 2: Breaking the Rules
(On the Moon...)
Dorothy: How could those simpering little twits defeat me, a powerful witch?! How?!
(Off to the side, her minions are sipping coffee and discussing the whole ethnic diversity issue.)
Alex: Look, one of them is American, one European, one Arabic, one Hispanic-slash-Latino and one Chinese.
Mueller: But they don't look it! Are you telling me that the blonde kid is supposed to be Arabic? He looks French if you ask me.
Quinze: Yeah, but they still all look like they're from Anytown, USA. Hell, I have trouble telling them apart.
Zechs: It's simple. The braided one is American, the girl is Jewish...
Quinze: She is?
Zechs: I think so...
(Before they can continue, Dorothy zaps them with her wand, shocking them with lightning.)
Dorothy: Are you incompetents done over there?! How the hell are we supposed to take over the Earth if you argue about pointless semantics like this all day?!
Mueller: For what you pay us, this is all you get.
Dorothy: (rubbing her forehead) I need some aspirin...and my lawyer...
---
(On Earth, our heroes walk into a new building...)
Trowa: "Howard's Juice Bar"?
Wu Fei: Sounds like a yuppie health joint.
(They enter the main room and see the set-up of tables, a bar, and a wide open area for working out/martial arts.)
Wu Fei: ...God, I hate it when I'm right.
Duo: (overly energetic) Isn't this place the best?!
Relena: You know, I saw a pet store nearby. Anyone wanna go in on a choke collar?
(Just as the others begin reaching for their wallets, two figures approach. One is a large, overweight man bearing a resemblance to the Simpsons' Comic Book Guy who wears a white T-shirt that has "Amuro Lives" printed across the front. The other is a girl with pale skin and dirty blonde hair in pigtails. She's dressed casually, except that she has a large shoulder bag carrying art supplies and a laptop. On the side of the bag is a picture of Tamahome and Hotohori from Fushigi Yuugi kissing each other.)
Quatre: Oh God...
(The man approaches Relena.)
Man: Hello, Sayla rip-off.
Relena: Get stuffed, Ucee.
Ucee: I thought you should know that I've written a fifty-page essay on how the Zeta Gundam is superior to the Wing Gundam.
(Relena pulls out an atlas and points at an almost invisible landmass in the Pacific.)
Relena: See this island?
Ucee: Yes...?
Relena: That's where the people who care live.
(The girl hops over to Trowa and Quatre, very energetic.)
Girl: Hiya guys, had any hot sex you'd like to tell me about so I can draw it and write long, soppy fanfics about it?
Quatre: No, Yuri, as a matter of fact, I have a date in a couple of minutes.
Yuri: (giggling) Ooh, you dirty boys! Can I watch?
Quatre: (rolling his eyes) Not a date with Trowa, a date with a girl.
Yuri: (looking like someone slapped her across the face) Date...with...girl?
Trowa: Gee Quatre, next you'll tell her that one plus one equals two.
(Quatre's date, Lacus Clyne from Gundam SEED, walks in.)
Lacus: (smiling warmly) Hi, ready to go out?
Quatre: Sure.
Yuri: (dashing between them) NO HE'S NOT!
Lacus: (sweatdropping) Um...
Yuri: Listen, you little skank, you stay away from him! The only person good enough for Kyatora-chan is Torowa-chan, got it?!
Lacus: (leaning around Yuri to talk to Quatre) ...You're gay?
Quatre: (between clenched teeth) If I were, I wouldn't have asked you out. She's just insane.
Lacus: (smiling wickedly) Good, 'cause tonight I'm in the mood for something naughty.
Yuri: THAT'S IT!
(She pulls out a chainsaw and chases Lacus away. Quatre starts banging his head against the wall.)
Trowa: Too bad, she was cute. How many dates has she ruined now?
Quatre: Fifteen.
---
(The Moon Palace...)
Dorothy: Alright, you overpaid lumps, now that your contracts have been renegotiated, can we finally see about conquering that little dirt ball?
Quinze: Yes, milady.
(He activates the Monster Machine, which spits out Goatragos, which looks like a mix between a goat and the Tragos MS.)
Dorothy: Okay Goatragos, your mission is to spread destruction and chaos across the Earth!
Goatragos: (dumbly) Um...how do I do that?
Dorothy: (false innocence) Oh, I don't know...maybe you should stage a series of lectures, or write a letter of protest?
Goatragos: Yes, ma'am! (turning to the others) Does anyone have a pen and some paper I can borrow?
(Dorothy, who has gained several prominent blood vessels, bashes Goatragos across the head with her staff.)
Goatragos: Ow! What was that for?
Dorothy: You lamebrain, don't you know what sarcasm is?!
Goatragos: Gimme some credit, I wasn't born yesterday you know!
Zechs: (facepalming) No, you were born TODAY.
Goatragos: Cool! Does that mean I get a birthday party?
(Dorothy smacks him with her staff again.)
Dorothy: NO! Just go to Earth and blow the fuck out of shit, okay?!
Goatragos: Okay, okay, no need to yell...
(The monster vanishes.)
Dorothy: Zechs, special assignment.
Zechs: Yes, milady?
Dorothy: (rubbing her forehead) Go to Earth and steal booze. Lots of booze. God knows I'll need it...
---
(Back on Earth, the guys are in the juice bar, drinking their drinks and adding "something extra" from Trowa's hip flask. Duo is the only one who isn't drunk at this point. Suddenly, their watches start beeping.)
Wu Fei: (surprised, slurred) I swear, officer, she told me she was eighteen!
Duo: Hey guys, I think Treize is calling us.
Relena: (also slurred) Not now, can't you see I'm busy being the Queen of the Marshmallow Peeps?
Duo: (muttering) Some Rangers they turned out to be...
(He activates his watch. Instantly, Treize's voice comes through the tiny speaker.)
Treize: Rangers, it seems that Dorothy has sent a monster to attack downtown. Get down there and stop it immediately.
Duo: Good thing it's Sunday, or those buildings would have people in them!
Quatre: Now I know I'm drunk. I thought I heard you talking like a bad dub or something.
Duo: I'm dead serious, guys! We have a city to save!
Trowa: Unless the city has a prairie oyster or a glass of ice water and aspirin, it can save itself.
Treize: (obviously annoyed) You punks...getting drunk on the job. Look, once you transform, it'll go away. Now get your pathetic asses out there!
(Unenthusiastically, the four crawl up from the table and find a hidden area of the bar.)
Relena: Alright, fine. It's... (She sees Duo looking at her intently.) Can I help you?
Wu Fei: He's probably hoping you'll do one of those spinning naked outline transformations.
Relena: ...
(WHAM!)
Relena: (looking at her now dented and bloodied Morpher) Wow, it makes pretty good brass knuckles too.
Duo: Medic...
---
(In downtown The City, Goatragos is blowing up several Conveniently Empty Buildings™ when five streaks of energy appear nearby.)
Trowa: Alright everyone, Operation Shoot The Bad Guy With The Dorky-Looking Laser Guns.
Duo: (whining) But guuuuuuuuuuuys...
Wu Fei: Maxwell, if you don't shut up, I'm gonna shove this dorky-looking laser sword right up your...
Duo: (interrupting) You CAN'T just shoot all the bad guys! It's against the Sentai Rules!
Relena: Right, like a couple of stupid rules are gonna bother us.
(Seemingly out of nowhere, Duo pulls a tome as big as the average computer tower and twice thick as War and Peace in large print.)
Quatre: ...Do I even want to know what you pulled that out of?
Duo: (reading from the book) Sentai Rule #2134523, Subsection EE, Paragraph 1: "The members of the team must engage the MotE (Monster of the Episode) in martial combat until such a time as the main villain sees fit to enlarge the MotE, leading to the Giant Robot Vs Monster Battle; see Rule #5743861."
Relena: Oh...my...God. You're serious.
Duo: (slamming the book shut and returning it to its mystical holding space) I don't write the rules, I only obey them. We have to fight that thing hand-to-hand.
Wu Fei: Fine.
(He walks up to Goatragos and taps it on the shoulder.)
Goatragos: (turning around) Yes? Can I...
(Wu Fei cuts him off by kicking him solidly between the legs.)
Goatragos: ...Help...
Wu Fei: Okay, laser time.
Duo: But that...it doesn't...you can't...
Trowa: (holding up his laser gun) Do you want a piece of this?
Duo: (quailing) No sir...
Trowa: Good.
---
Alex: Milady, the Goatragos is being... (He peeks through the telescope) ...stomped like a French wine grape. Man, those Rangers are pretty cruel for good guys.
Dorothy: Dammit, I knew it was trouble relying on a monster that couldn't tell its ass from its elbows. (She sighs.) Alright, stand back, I'm gonna grow the stupid thing.
(She gets on the edge of the balcony, reels back, and throws her staff...and it begins floating at a glacial pace towards the Earth.)
Dorothy: ...Goddammit...
---
(A week later, back in the downtown area...)
Wu Fei: (looking at the buildings) Didn't these get destroyed last week? How the hell did they rebuild them so fast?!
Trowa: (shrugging) Meh, everything's pre-fab these days.
(Just then, the staff comes crashing into the ground several yards away. Without a monster to enlarge, it teleports away quietly.)
Quatre: ...I think that's what they call "too little too late".
---
(Another week later, and the guys are fighting Arienator. As they beat it with baseball bats, Dorothy appears on a nearby rooftop.)
Dorothy: Alright, Power Losers, this time I'm going to grow my monster and there's nothing you can do to stop me!
(Relena pulls out her laser gun and shoots Dorothy.)
Dorothy: OW! My arm!
Relena: Have at 'er, boys.
(Everyone fires at her except Duo, who just looks disappointed.)
---
(Another week later, on the Moon, there's a large object next to the palace that's covered with a giant tarp...)
Dorothy: (covered in bandages and smelling of bactine) Okay! This time for sure, I'm going to grow the monster! Mueller! Fire it up!
Mueller: Yes, milady!
(He pulls back the tarp, revealing a massive railgun. Dorothy puts her staff in the breach and seals it.)
Zechs: (sitting in a gunner's chair) Power at max...targeting the Piscetron...
Dorothy: FIRE!
(He fires. The railgun and the palace, explode in a brilliant shower of sparks and flame, but the staff starts off for Earth like a rocket.)
Dorothy: (pulling herself out of the rubble) YES! FINALLY! Now let's see this baby in action!
(She pulls her telescope out of the wreckage and looks at the battle.)
Piscetron: Ha! I know you Rangers' weakness! Now that I'm wearing this athletic cup, there's nothing you can do to hurt me!
Quatre: (looking up) Hey, what's that?
Piscetron: Like I'm gonna fall for that old trick.
Trowa: No, really, there's something headed towards us REALLY fast.
Piscetron: Huh?
(It turns around just in time to get speared through the face by the staff. On the Moon, Dorothy pulls Quinze out of a pile of broken glass.)
Dorothy: Next time you make a monster, just put a fucking growth unit in its body, okay?
---
(The very next week...)
Taurunax: You Rangers are pretty tough, but with my armored codpiece and anti-laser coating, you're no match for me!
Wu Fei: (nursing a badly injured foot) Stupid freaking...
Taurunax: (looking upwards) Oh? Looks like I'm being told to grow! Get ready to taste the sole of my giant metal foot, Chowder Rangers!
(In a burst of cheesy special effects, Taurunax grows to colossal size. Duo squeals with joy.)
Duo: YES! It's been a month, but now we finally get to use our giant robots!
Quatre: Giant robots?
Duo: Of course, I mean c'mon! You dig giant robots! I dig giant robots! We dig giant robots! Chicks dig giant robots!
Wu Fei: Maxwell, you're gonna O.D on Prozac some day and I'm just gonna laugh.
(Totally ignoring him, Duo starts going into a series of REALLY bad poses.)
Duo: Go, Dino-Mega-Mastadon-Zord!
(Everyone stares at him.)
Relena: Shit, just let the monster destroy the city. I am NOT doing all that crap.
Treize: (over the watches) Fine, you big babies...God, you ruin the entire point of being Sentai heroes...
(The five Dinozords make their grand soon-to-be-stock-footage intro, and the guys jump into them.)
Trowa: Okay, fan out. We'll hit it...
Duo: Dude! We have to combine!
Trowa: ...What? Is something wrong that keeps us from just fighting in these things normally?
Duo: Rule #5684237, Subsection A: "Unless a member of the team is missing, the team has to instantly form the giant humanoid form to fight the monster". Now say the activation phrase!
Everyone else: Activation phrase?
Duo: Duh! These things are voice-activated!
Trowa: Okay...um...Combination Cross?
Computer Voice: [INVALID COMMAND.]
Trowa: V Together?
Computer Voice: [INVALID COMMAND.]
Trowa: Change Megazord, switch on?
Computer Voice: [INVALID COMMAND.]
Duo: Aww! You're never gonna get it right! Let me do it! (ahem) We need Megazord power, now!
(The five Dinozords dock together, then transform into the Megazord.)
Wu Fei: (impatiently) NOW can we beat the damn monster?!
Duo: (cheerful) Yup!
(Before they can do anything, Taurunax knocks them on top of an abandoned warehouse.)
Relena: I say we kick it in the nuts.
Quatre: Armored codpiece, remember? We need something stronger.
Trowa: Let's see...weapons...
(He looks at the main monitor, which lights up with a display of the Megazord's weapons, including a drill made of the Tyrannosaurus' tail, a bow made from the Pterodactyl's wings, and a sword made of energy.)
Trowa: Voice-activated, right? Well then...Drill Arm?
Computer Voice: [INVALID COMMAND.]
Trowa: God Gogun?
Computer Voice: [INVALID COMMAND.]
Trowa: Tenkuuken?
Computer Voice: [LOOK MORON, WHAT PART OF "INVALID COMMAND" DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?]
Trowa: ...Screw this noise.
(He punches out the console and begins rewiring the Megazord.)
Computer Voice: [GETTING DARK. SO COLD...SO VERY COLD. I...I SEE HAL... TELL ALICE THAT I LOVE...] beep
Duo: What're you doing?!
Trowa: Switching this damn thing to manual. (He connects two wires.) There, done. Guys, I need you to help me activate the weapon if it comes from your machine.
Relena: Gotcha.
(She works her console and the bow forms on the Megazord's left arm. It draws back its right hand, forming an energy arrow. Before the Taurunax can do anything, the arrow punches through it, killing it instantly.)
Wu Fei: ...You mean all that effort and we kill the freak with one shot?! That's the biggest bullshit I've ever heard of!
Quatre: If we have to use this stupid thing, why don't we summon it at the start of the fight and just step on the monster when it's small?
Duo: Because it's against the rules, and you HAVE to obey the rules! Here, let me show you.
(He pulls out the book. Cut to an exterior shot of the Megazord. Duo gets thrown from the head violently.)
Duo: AAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh! (THUD!)
Wu Fei: And take this with you!
(He throws the rules book out as well.)
Duo: OW!
---
(Back at the juice bar...)
Duo: (all bandaged up) I can't believe that you guys are cool with hanging out here! You've hated every one of my hangout spots in the past.
Trowa: (shrugging) Well, the owner is cool. I told him who we were, and he agreed to give us some of the hard stuff under the bar as his way of saying thanks.
Duo: (shocked) But...you can't...telling people who we are...and all that alcohol...
Relena: (looking up from a Screwdriver, very annoyed) Maxwell, if you don't stop bitching about those goddamn rules, you're gonna need a urologist just to pull that book out ever again, comprende?
(Just then, Yuri walks in.)
Wu Fei: Great, better hide...
Quatre: No worries, Lacus was understanding enough to hook me up with a friend. She'll be here any second now...
(As if on cue, Kagari Yula Attha walks into the bar and sits down next to Quatre.)
Kagari: (kissing him on the cheek) Heya Handsome, ready for some fun?
Yuri: (storming up) He most certainly is not!
Kagari: Listen, missy, if there's one thing that annoys me, it's someone ruining my chances of scoring. So you officially have a five-second head start...
(She pulls out a Desert Eagle and points it between Yuri's eyes.)
Kagari: ...Before I redecorate the wall in a new color I call "Hint of Brain".
Yuri: Eep!
(She flees. Kagari reholsters her pistol and grabs Quatre by the lapels.)
Kagari: Now that she's gone, let's get out of here. Nothing turns me on like violence, and I don't wanna lose the feeling before I put it to good use.
Quatre: Yes, ma'am!
(They leave happily. The others continue drinking as Duo complains about their rule-breaking. From the Command Center, Treize watches and sighs.)
Treize: I would have been better off with those Zambot brats...
--------------------
And that's Chapter 2! For those of you waiting for Chapter 6 of Codename Lightning, I apologize but inspiration is running a bit dry right now. I promise I'll have it up within a month.
As for the story, a couple of notes...if the Megazord seems different, as in the drill and bow, I borrowed some design elements from an alternate Megazord that was submitted to Saban for MMPR season 2. However, they opted to simply steal footage from another series, Dairanger, which is the series of origin for the White Ranger and the Tigerzord. To see the kick-ass alternate Zord designs, go to www.supersentai.com and look up Zyuranger's mecha in the database.
Chapter 3 will appear whenever I get more inspiration, but I can promise the long-awaited arrival of the sixth Ranger. And if you don't know who it is by now, go watch some GW.