Disclaimer:Why the hell would I own it?

Warnings: Yaoi (more so in future chapters), character torture, general fucked up-ness

Prologue: Always

It was always there. In the v e r y back of his mind. Always there. Screaming thoughts into his head that he would never think to say out loud. Except he did. Eventually. Always. He could never quite remembered what he did as Black Haru, but people told him. Kyou would yell at him, call him a stupid cow and stomp away. Tohru would apologize and Shigure would laugh. And then Yuki would tell him the details. And he always believed. Because he was Yuki and Yuki would never lie to him. Even when he woke up in the middle of the night having dreamed horrible nightmares it never occurred to him that they weren't quite dreams.

He loved Yuki more than anything. More than Rin, more than his mother, more even than Kisa. He love Yuki, but he hated the rat. He didn't think he'd ever told him how much he hated his cursed form. It made him sad, to think that he could not love a part of Yuki. But he just... he just couldn't. And it mad him sad. He supposed it was to be expected though. After all, he was just a stupid cow and Yuki was the all-glorious RAT.

Not that he was bitter. Oh no, not at all. He'd gotten over that a long time ago. He loved Yuki.

Even though Yuki loved Tohru. But it didn't matter, because it would never work out. Not unless Tohru wanted to have a rat sleeping in her wedding bed. So he didn't worry. Yuki could date her all he wanted and then they'd break up and he'd realize what had been in front of him all along. And no matter how much he (hated, loathed, wanted to bash her fucking head in) disliked the girl, he would never interfere. Because she made Yuki smile. A lot.

But he wasn't worried. And for once Black Haru agreed with him.

He wondered sometimes, why no one found it strange. The Sohma family never gave it a second. Not even Hatori, and he was a doctor for fuck's sake. There was White Haru and there was Black Haru and that was all. It was just the way things were. They were all cursed. His curse just came with a little extra.

He'd heard about it though. One of the rare times he'd been paying attention in Health class, or any other class for that matter. Schizophrenia. Multiple Personality Disorder. Bipolar. He was sick. In his head, he was sick. And no one cared. But he understood, they all had their own problems to deal with.

A punch connected solidly with the side of his face and he fell unceremoniously to the ground.

"Dammit, you stupid cow, quite being such an ass!"

He was still White. It was almost funny. He'd usually be too far gone by now to even realize. A kick this time, aimed at his face. He jerked to the side and it slammed into his shoulder instead. Kyou had always been the better fighter. There was a hand in his hair, not tight enough to hurt, but just enough to keep him still. Kyou was in front of him, crouching to be at eye level. He thought the cat must have been able to see him. See inside of him. See his skeleton, his bones and heart, and the cancer and rot inside, the dirt and filth he bought with him, the destruction in every breath he exhaled. He was almost certain he could.

"Shit, Haru, what's wrong with you?"

Wrong. Everything was wrong. Always wrong. Always.

"You moping over Yuki again? He's not gay, you know. Just get over it. There's plenty of guys out there for you, but that damn rat's not one of them."

"...Yu-ki...?"

And Haru snapped. Because that was what he did. Always

TBC....