Title: Deeper Into the Light
Author: sbender333 (sbender333@yahoo.com)
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Leo disengages himself from the Elders. Chris opens up to his aunts. Leo and Piper bond over their two sons. Chris finally cracks and opens up to his father. Piper plans to go off to Magic School until the birth of their child.
Spoilers: "Spin City"
Author's Note: Thank you all for the feedback and
encouragement, and please continue to review.
Remember, feedback is an author's inspiration.
And it only takes a minute of your time.
~*~
On his twin size bed, much too small for him, with his shoes still on, Chris lay, staring up at the black ceiling, occasionally lit up by the passing cars. Downstairs he could hear the muffled sounds of the band Paige had booked. These distractions, however, were not the cause of his insomnia.
One of the diversions was the dreams haunting his nights. But there was nothing he could do about them so he settled with simply suppressing them. They, however, seemed to increase in intensity each night.
However, this wasn't the only thing keeping him awake tonight. His conversation with his mother still lay prominent in his mind. He knew that she had backed down that morning, but he would eventually have to talk to her. She wouldn't let him wallow in his sorrow for long. But first, he, himself, had to decipher what he was feeling.
Leo had managed to break through the wall Chris had built. It was apparent that everything Leo had said was truly sincere. And at that moment, that was enough for Chris. He had been shown this concern by his father that in his childhood he never had received, and he had cracked. But he just couldn't forget his childhood.
Closing his eyes, Chris felt as if he was being pulled back in time as he saw a most miserable memory develop. The scene played back in his head, the details fresh. He visualized his fourteen-year-old self in great vividness, as he relived the past.
~*~
Chris loosened his tie and pressed his hand on the door to push it forward. However, he was stopped by his grandfather's voice emitting from the following room.
"So, you're just going to leave, again?" There was a tone of anger in his voice, and immediately Chris knew who he was addressing.
"It's not like I want to leave. I have to go!" Chris' assumption was proven correct by his father's reply.
"Right, you have to go…" his grandfather challenged. "Because you job is more important than your own son."
"You, of all people, have no right to talk to me like that! Where were you for your family?" Leo shot back. A paused followed, for it seemed Victor had no answer for this. But Chris knew that he was more of a father to him than Leo ever was.
Then, cutting into Chris' thoughts, Leo added, "And this is for my family. The Elders are calling me for Wyatt. My son is dangerous and needs help, and I am doing everything in my power to stop him and help him."
"You have another son right here you needs you right now."
"Chris can fend off for
himself. Wyatt needs me more."
"Can you be so blind? Wyatt is the reason Chris has to 'fend off for himself.' Look, I care about Wyatt too, but I also care about Chris. And whether or not you care to admit it to yourself, he needs you."
"I know how he feels…. Living through a day like this brings so much pain to me. But we have so many responsibilities we have to attend to. And Chris knows how important it is we take care of them" Leo replied, his voice wavered, but he steadied himself.
"Somehow, I have my doubts that you're actually hurt," Victor said softly.
"How can you say that!? I love Piper with all of my heart." The anguish was so obvious in his voice that Chris had to acknowledge the truth of his words. He wasn't going to question his father's love for his mother. His grandfather realized the same.
"Look, I didn't mean that. But this isn't about her right now. Chris needs you. How many times do I have to repeat that? Take a day out of your life of Wyatt for Chris," Victor said.
"I can't--" Leo began, but was cut short.
Chris heard a jingle and he could hear his father through the door, "I have to go now. Could you tell Chris for me?"
"No!" Victor answered, disgusted. "I am not doing your dirty work for you."
To stop the vicious bickering, Chris pushed the door open and entered. "Hey, Dad."
"Chris?" Leo answered, shock in his voice. "How long where you there?"
"Long enough," he answered, trying to keep the bitterness down to a minimum. "Look, I understand you have to go."
"You do?" Leo questioned.
"Yeah, go ahead. Wyatt needs you." Chris forced a weak smile. Why was he playing this game, again? He wanted desperately to lash out at his father. Leo had shattered his hopes; he had broken his promise once again. His grandfather was right: he did need his father now, but there was nothing he could do. He wasn't going to beg or plead or argue, not today. He couldn't today. "Just go," Chris said with a wave of his hand.
"You understand, of course, that this is for Wyatt." Leo tried to make him understand, but somehow Chris couldn't help but resent his older brother with an even greater passion for ruining his family.
But he simply replied, "Of course."
"You'll be okay." It was more of a statement than a question. It was if he didn't want to deal with his son's problems, yet he felt obligated to ask about his wellbeing.
"Yeah," Chris answered with a nod. 'I've been okay every other time you've left me,' he thought but prevented himself from adding.
Leo put out his arm and clasped his son's shoulder. "I knew you would understand. I'll be down later." Then, he orbed out.
"Yeah right," Chris answered disbelievingly. "That's what you always said, but you were never here."
"Chris?" his grandfather, who had been silent during the entire conversation, said questioningly.
"You know, I don't need him now," Chris said, thrusting his tie onto the couch..
"Hey, Chris, I know you are angry-" Victor tried to interject.
"I'm not angry. I'm used to this. I don't need him! I've never needed him, and I never will," Chris shouted, continuing his rant. "He was never here and I got along fine. I learned how to play the guitar on my own, got through my first date, warded off my first demon. All on my own. And all these things a son's supposed to do with his father." He stopped and reflected," You know, I'm supposed to be the son of this great witch and some powerful angel. Well, I don't feel like a son at all. I'm nothing compared to the firstborn Wyatt. Well, just look what your precious son just did, Dad. He killed my mother and your wife. "
"Chris…" Victor said, trying to pacify his grandson.
Chris looked into his grandfather's eyes. His voice broke as he questioned, "What am I supposed to do without her, Grandpa. She's all I've ever had. And Dad…I thought he'd be here for me, now that I really need him."
Victor stood silent, realizing he was unable to verbally soothe Chris, for his own hatred toward his son-in-law ran too deep.
"He has been obsessed with Wyatt ever since I was born. And I know he was always there for Mom if she really needed him." There was a distinct hiatus, as Chris tried to control his feelings. But he was an emotional train wreck. His mother had died today, and his father had rejected him once again. Chris couldn't stop himself as he said through his now-falling tears, "He's been there for them, but why doesn't he want me?"
Victor wasn't ready for this question, but he was willing to give Chris the reassurance he desperately needed.
Chris stood with his head in his hand, his shoulders shaking. He, then, felt a set of arms wrap around him and took solace in his grandfather, sobbing on his shoulder.
~*~
"God, why am I so weak," he said aloud to himself. But then, as he reasoned, he realized that day had been quite emotional. In fact, he would probably name it as the worst day in his life. He was barely a teenager and had seen his world come to pieces.
Chris hadn't seen his mother again for about eight years, but she was then placed in front of him every day. But he couldn't enjoy the pleasures of a mother's love, for she didn't know his identity. He didn't understand how he had kept himself in check the first time he had seen his family. But he had been on a mission, to save his family back home. The thought of his past life had motivated him to stay on track.
And that would have to motivate him now. Saving Wyatt was a priority. He could not let his relationship with his father affect his primary goal.
But what nagged him was how he couldn't control himself last night. He had had an excuse for cracking during his mother's funeral; he was only a kid and was devastated. It was understandable, expected even. But not now. He had contained himself when he met his mother for the first time in years, but he hadn't been able to do the same with his father.
He was scarred for life by his father's past actions, but now Leo's genuineness had shockingly soothed his wounds. But could he just forget the past? He couldn't just wash away his father's previous actions as if nothing had happened.
Last night had been a mistake. He had let his guard down and look what had happened. He had worked his entire life to build a wall around himself, which would protect him, and in one night it was destroyed.
Was it fair to Leo, though, that he was going to block him off? Chris had opened up to his mother, but was planning on denying his father. But the difference was he already had a strong relationship with Piper. There was nothing like that with Leo. He would have to start over. And not only would he have to start from scratch, but attempt to wash away the past pains.
And so what if Leo would be hurt. He had hurt him a countless number of times. If he wanted a good relationship with his son, he would have to start with the baby. Chris wasn't here to fix a relationship; he was here to save the world. And seeing his mother was just an added benefit, but Leo was something he just had to deal with.
He had combed through his head and decided that last night was, indeed, a slip. He couldn't just pretend the past had never happened. And his sole purpose here was to protect Wyatt, nothing more.
Chris closed his eyes, attempting to now getting to sleep, believing his mind was clear. But in the back of his head, he knew the truth. The past wasn't this Leo's fault; he hadn't done anything yet. And deep in his heart, he truly did want the love of a father; that was evident in last night's actions, and in his conversation with Phoebe and Paige.
However, he ignored the truth. It was in his nature to block out the emotions he couldn't sort through and shut out the people with whom overly complex relationships were involved.
Because of these prevalent thoughts, Chris knew he wasn't going to get to sleep. He decided to go back to the house and get something to eat in an attempt to avoid those few feelings burrowed in his head.
"I've got to stick to the plan," he orally thought as he orbed out.