Disclaimer: I don't own LOTR. And I don't own Kentucky, either.
Summary: Goofy. Irreverent. Hick chick crashes into ME and Gandalf insists that only she can save it (and a distraught Legolas) from the Mary Sues! Hope you have as much fun reading it as I did writing it. Rated for swearing, drinking and smoking. Originally Titled "The Black Book of Doom" but reposted with notes. Thanks to Tenacious D for telling me I was being obscure!
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Author's note: Yes, I realize that if one actually fell into Middle Earth the language would be indecipherable. And there wouldn't be any pickup trucks there, either (which is really too bad!)
( ) Is an after thought.
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Prologue:
I closed my eyes and waited for the knock on the door, giggling like an idiot. Finally! I would have my revenge! I had made a vow to myself that if we managed to save him from Red, he would pay dearly for his insolence and now it was payback time!
I squirmed in anticipation as I listened to Eowyn's fingers clicking over the keys. She'd make one hell of a secretary, I thought fleetingly. Then the room started to spin.
"Ugh, it feels like too much tequila," I groaned.
The room screeched to a halt and I clutched at a chair to steady myself.
A quiet knock sounded on the door. I tried to hide my grin as I flung it open but it was no use. God help me, he was an absolute doll baby! (And he's not gay!)
Mere words cannot describe his beauty. I smiled as I drank in the sight before me - those dark eyes, that mane of thick platinum hair to his waist, those long legs and that beautiful skin. She'd even managed to capture that pout of his that used to drive me to drink (quite literally) but was now driving me toward hormonal madness instead. (Must not pee myself from excitement!)
He smiled warmly at me. I nearly fainted.
"Girl," Legolas purred in his silky voice. "I want you."
Without a word, I reached out, grabbed the neck of his tunic, hauled his fine ass into my room and slammed the door shut.
***
Summary: Goofy. Irreverent. Hick chick crashes into ME and Gandalf insists that only she can save it (and a distraught Legolas) from the Mary Sues! Hope you have as much fun reading it as I did writing it. Rated for swearing, drinking and smoking. Originally Titled "The Black Book of Doom" but reposted with notes. Thanks to Tenacious D for telling me I was being obscure!
*******
Author's note: Yes, I realize that if one actually fell into Middle Earth the language would be indecipherable. And there wouldn't be any pickup trucks there, either (which is really too bad!)
( ) Is an after thought.
****
Prologue:
I closed my eyes and waited for the knock on the door, giggling like an idiot. Finally! I would have my revenge! I had made a vow to myself that if we managed to save him from Red, he would pay dearly for his insolence and now it was payback time!
I squirmed in anticipation as I listened to Eowyn's fingers clicking over the keys. She'd make one hell of a secretary, I thought fleetingly. Then the room started to spin.
"Ugh, it feels like too much tequila," I groaned.
The room screeched to a halt and I clutched at a chair to steady myself.
A quiet knock sounded on the door. I tried to hide my grin as I flung it open but it was no use. God help me, he was an absolute doll baby! (And he's not gay!)
Mere words cannot describe his beauty. I smiled as I drank in the sight before me - those dark eyes, that mane of thick platinum hair to his waist, those long legs and that beautiful skin. She'd even managed to capture that pout of his that used to drive me to drink (quite literally) but was now driving me toward hormonal madness instead. (Must not pee myself from excitement!)
He smiled warmly at me. I nearly fainted.
"Girl," Legolas purred in his silky voice. "I want you."
Without a word, I reached out, grabbed the neck of his tunic, hauled his fine ass into my room and slammed the door shut.
***