*****
"OK, so, saying that maybe I can banish these Sues," I mused out loud and tapped my fingers on my cheekbone. "What's in it for me?" (Might as well get something out of this.)
The room fell dead silent for several long moments. I looked around.
"Bueller, Bueller?" I asked. (Probably don't have movies here, either).
No one answered but at least they started murmuring amongst themselves.
I lit another cigarette and patiently waited for them to make me an offer. (Right. Like I'd actually be able to banish an entire army of pre-teen girls. Whatever.)
Hairy approached and flung Blondie at me. I narrowly managed to keep from burning him with my cig as he fell into me. Poor guy. He was still shaking from our narrow escape earlier.
"You can have him," Hairy grunted. "He's mostly the cause of this anyway."
"Now that isn't very nice," I scolded and handed Blondie my cig. He refused disdainfully.
"It is not all my fault," The Gorgeous One said helplessly, pouting like some heartbroken starlet.
"Oh, yes it is! Damn your good looks anyway!" Shouted Hairy. (I'm detecting a bit of jealously here, guys).
"Aragorn has just as many and they are more deadly because of their advanced experience," he accused petulantly.
"Bah!" Shouted Scruffy. "The sheer numbers you bring to this realm completely overwhelm any defense we have managed to erect thus far." (Was there a bad pun in there somewhere?)
"Alright, look. I don't want Blondie," I waved my cig in the air and shouted at them to get their attention. (They were as bad as the teenage girls they were trying to escape from).
"Legolas," Blondie whispered in my ear. "My name is Legolas." Then he actually pouted (again). "You don't want me?"
"Stow it, honey," I told him. "We've got bigger fish to fry than squabbling about who brought the smack down."
"Yes, yes, she is right," agreed the Old Man. "Let us turn our efforts towards the common enemy – the Mary Sues!"
There was murmured agreement among the men.
Just as we were staring to get somewhere, a shout rang out from the back of the room. It was a girl's voice. I hopped up on the table to see what was going on. Some willowy blonde was making her way towards us. Figures. The only other chick here would have to be some blonde supermodel. Dammit! Ah, well. (I bet nobody prophesized about HER.)
"They're coming!" she shouted at us. "You must do something!"
"To your battle stations!" shouted the Crown and the men scattered like torn pages from a fan girl's notebook.
******
Notes:
Supermodel – Eowyn
Crown – Theoden
"Smack down"- WWF term used to describe being beaten into submission by brute force.
"OK, so, saying that maybe I can banish these Sues," I mused out loud and tapped my fingers on my cheekbone. "What's in it for me?" (Might as well get something out of this.)
The room fell dead silent for several long moments. I looked around.
"Bueller, Bueller?" I asked. (Probably don't have movies here, either).
No one answered but at least they started murmuring amongst themselves.
I lit another cigarette and patiently waited for them to make me an offer. (Right. Like I'd actually be able to banish an entire army of pre-teen girls. Whatever.)
Hairy approached and flung Blondie at me. I narrowly managed to keep from burning him with my cig as he fell into me. Poor guy. He was still shaking from our narrow escape earlier.
"You can have him," Hairy grunted. "He's mostly the cause of this anyway."
"Now that isn't very nice," I scolded and handed Blondie my cig. He refused disdainfully.
"It is not all my fault," The Gorgeous One said helplessly, pouting like some heartbroken starlet.
"Oh, yes it is! Damn your good looks anyway!" Shouted Hairy. (I'm detecting a bit of jealously here, guys).
"Aragorn has just as many and they are more deadly because of their advanced experience," he accused petulantly.
"Bah!" Shouted Scruffy. "The sheer numbers you bring to this realm completely overwhelm any defense we have managed to erect thus far." (Was there a bad pun in there somewhere?)
"Alright, look. I don't want Blondie," I waved my cig in the air and shouted at them to get their attention. (They were as bad as the teenage girls they were trying to escape from).
"Legolas," Blondie whispered in my ear. "My name is Legolas." Then he actually pouted (again). "You don't want me?"
"Stow it, honey," I told him. "We've got bigger fish to fry than squabbling about who brought the smack down."
"Yes, yes, she is right," agreed the Old Man. "Let us turn our efforts towards the common enemy – the Mary Sues!"
There was murmured agreement among the men.
Just as we were staring to get somewhere, a shout rang out from the back of the room. It was a girl's voice. I hopped up on the table to see what was going on. Some willowy blonde was making her way towards us. Figures. The only other chick here would have to be some blonde supermodel. Dammit! Ah, well. (I bet nobody prophesized about HER.)
"They're coming!" she shouted at us. "You must do something!"
"To your battle stations!" shouted the Crown and the men scattered like torn pages from a fan girl's notebook.
******
Notes:
Supermodel – Eowyn
Crown – Theoden
"Smack down"- WWF term used to describe being beaten into submission by brute force.