********
"Quickly, take the Book and banish them!" The Old Guy ordered me jamming the laptop back into my hands. (Right. Like how can it scare them if it isn't even showing the Blue Screen of Death?)
"Can I at least turn it on?" I asked sarcastically. This was about stupid.
Scruffy took me by the arm and he Hairy, Blondie, the Old Guy and the Supermodel escorted me up to the battlements.
I looked out over the plain and saw a veritable legion of Sues. "Yep, they are the ones that chased us earlier," I confirmed.
I recognized the flashes of pink, purple and white in the distance. The flying horses were approaching more quickly and the Supermodel waved a sword threateningly at the sky. (Hell, I wouldn't cross her.)
"You must open the Book," the Old Guy said. "Open it and banish them forever!" (I wish he'd stop acting the Drama Queen).
Dutifully, I opened my laptop and turned it on. It booted up and I turned it so he could see it was on.
"Now what do you want me to do?" I asked.
"Banish them!" He commanded.
"How?" I wanted to know.
The Sues were closing in. Several of them began firing arrows at us.
"Dammit, man! You didn't say they were going to shoot at me!" I shouted. "What's up with this crap, anyway?"
"Banish them and they will disappear forever!" Crazy Old Guy just missed getting hit by a pink arrow. (Cupid, perhaps?)
"How the hell do I do that?" I demanded.
Everyone looked at me in horror.
"You mean you don't know?" Scruffy asked.
"No. I've never 'banished' anyone before. This is just a stupid laptop, not a book of doom. I've been trying to tell you that but no one will listen!" I shouted.
Supermodel grabbed the laptop from me and pointed it at the advancing hoard.
"Be gone ye fell creatures!" She cried.
Needless to say, nothing happened. (Well, DUH!)
Then Blondie grabbed the laptop and pointed it out to the Sues. At his appearance on the wall, a scream from a thousand voices rose up and the Sues began to chant his name. Some of them wept openly while others began to sing his praises. It was a terrifying sight, to be sure.
Several of them on the flying horses swooped down and tried to grab him but Hairy made sure he didn't get scooped up. (Maybe Hairy is right and we should just toss Blondie over the wall to them and be done with it).
I grabbed the laptop from him and pushed him into Hairy. "Get his ass out of here now!" I told him. Hairy dragged Gorgeous back inside.
I turned off the laptop. The Sues were still clamoring for Blondie. I raised my hands to quiet the crowd.
"Hey, Old Guy," I said to the Crazy Codger. "Do your Drama Queen thing, ok? Just repeat what I tell you."
The Old Guy nodded and climbed up on the wall.
"Mary Sues," he addressed the crowd and looked at me. I just started talking and he just repeated. "We are willing to negotiate a truce to bring an end to this reign of terror. In return for your complete and total withdraw from (wherever the hell this is) Middle Earth, we will turn over (Blondie) Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood into the hands of your leaders."
I nodded with satisfaction. Scruffy was scandalized and Supermodel was pissed.
"Easy, easy!" I tried to calm them. "This is just to buy us some time so we can figure out what the hell to do! We need to figure out HOW to banish them. By the time we work through all the negotiations, we'll have it under control."
The light bulb went on over their heads. And they smiled with grim satisfaction.
"Tell them to choose 5 delegates and send them to the gates. We will let them in and begin negotiations immediately tomorrow," I told Old Guy. He repeated the offer.
The Sues grew quiet and suddenly, a great battle erupted between them as they began to argue over who would be able to negotiate for Blondie's capture.
"HA! That orta hold them for a while!" I jeered. "Now let's figure out how to finish this!"
Supermodel looked at me admiringly and I smiled back.
"Secretary," I shrugged. Had to learn how to handle that kind of stuff.
*****
Notes:
Blue Screen of Death – when you're working on something (usually very important) and your computer locks up then goes blue causing you to lose all of your work and curse in several tongues.
Orta – should
To my reviewers Mystique Hottie8 and Crazy-Haldir-Fancier: I don't smoke, either, but I thought it was appropriate for "girl" to smoke since she is from Kentucky (one of the largest tobacco producing states in the country) and it made for a humorous reference to "pipe weed". Aragorn, Gandalf and Gimli smoke pipe weed in the LOTR series but Legolas says (in the book TTT), "Though I would sooner learn how they came by the wine." Certainly a being after my own heart!
"Quickly, take the Book and banish them!" The Old Guy ordered me jamming the laptop back into my hands. (Right. Like how can it scare them if it isn't even showing the Blue Screen of Death?)
"Can I at least turn it on?" I asked sarcastically. This was about stupid.
Scruffy took me by the arm and he Hairy, Blondie, the Old Guy and the Supermodel escorted me up to the battlements.
I looked out over the plain and saw a veritable legion of Sues. "Yep, they are the ones that chased us earlier," I confirmed.
I recognized the flashes of pink, purple and white in the distance. The flying horses were approaching more quickly and the Supermodel waved a sword threateningly at the sky. (Hell, I wouldn't cross her.)
"You must open the Book," the Old Guy said. "Open it and banish them forever!" (I wish he'd stop acting the Drama Queen).
Dutifully, I opened my laptop and turned it on. It booted up and I turned it so he could see it was on.
"Now what do you want me to do?" I asked.
"Banish them!" He commanded.
"How?" I wanted to know.
The Sues were closing in. Several of them began firing arrows at us.
"Dammit, man! You didn't say they were going to shoot at me!" I shouted. "What's up with this crap, anyway?"
"Banish them and they will disappear forever!" Crazy Old Guy just missed getting hit by a pink arrow. (Cupid, perhaps?)
"How the hell do I do that?" I demanded.
Everyone looked at me in horror.
"You mean you don't know?" Scruffy asked.
"No. I've never 'banished' anyone before. This is just a stupid laptop, not a book of doom. I've been trying to tell you that but no one will listen!" I shouted.
Supermodel grabbed the laptop from me and pointed it at the advancing hoard.
"Be gone ye fell creatures!" She cried.
Needless to say, nothing happened. (Well, DUH!)
Then Blondie grabbed the laptop and pointed it out to the Sues. At his appearance on the wall, a scream from a thousand voices rose up and the Sues began to chant his name. Some of them wept openly while others began to sing his praises. It was a terrifying sight, to be sure.
Several of them on the flying horses swooped down and tried to grab him but Hairy made sure he didn't get scooped up. (Maybe Hairy is right and we should just toss Blondie over the wall to them and be done with it).
I grabbed the laptop from him and pushed him into Hairy. "Get his ass out of here now!" I told him. Hairy dragged Gorgeous back inside.
I turned off the laptop. The Sues were still clamoring for Blondie. I raised my hands to quiet the crowd.
"Hey, Old Guy," I said to the Crazy Codger. "Do your Drama Queen thing, ok? Just repeat what I tell you."
The Old Guy nodded and climbed up on the wall.
"Mary Sues," he addressed the crowd and looked at me. I just started talking and he just repeated. "We are willing to negotiate a truce to bring an end to this reign of terror. In return for your complete and total withdraw from (wherever the hell this is) Middle Earth, we will turn over (Blondie) Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood into the hands of your leaders."
I nodded with satisfaction. Scruffy was scandalized and Supermodel was pissed.
"Easy, easy!" I tried to calm them. "This is just to buy us some time so we can figure out what the hell to do! We need to figure out HOW to banish them. By the time we work through all the negotiations, we'll have it under control."
The light bulb went on over their heads. And they smiled with grim satisfaction.
"Tell them to choose 5 delegates and send them to the gates. We will let them in and begin negotiations immediately tomorrow," I told Old Guy. He repeated the offer.
The Sues grew quiet and suddenly, a great battle erupted between them as they began to argue over who would be able to negotiate for Blondie's capture.
"HA! That orta hold them for a while!" I jeered. "Now let's figure out how to finish this!"
Supermodel looked at me admiringly and I smiled back.
"Secretary," I shrugged. Had to learn how to handle that kind of stuff.
*****
Notes:
Blue Screen of Death – when you're working on something (usually very important) and your computer locks up then goes blue causing you to lose all of your work and curse in several tongues.
Orta – should
To my reviewers Mystique Hottie8 and Crazy-Haldir-Fancier: I don't smoke, either, but I thought it was appropriate for "girl" to smoke since she is from Kentucky (one of the largest tobacco producing states in the country) and it made for a humorous reference to "pipe weed". Aragorn, Gandalf and Gimli smoke pipe weed in the LOTR series but Legolas says (in the book TTT), "Though I would sooner learn how they came by the wine." Certainly a being after my own heart!