At the moment I am working on other projects, but as soon as they are done, I will turn to my WIP's again :-)
I apologize again for being such a slow updater, but I really only write fan fiction if my real life permits it, and if my muse is willing. I hope you can enjoy my work anyway, though grin
Now, on to this story ;-)
This is my HP fanfic, and I really hope you like it. Read the Notes to find out more about how this story came to pass grin Also, this is only the "R" rated version of this fic. To be able to post it here, I had to cut most of the sex scene at the end, because it is clearly NC-17. So, if you want to read the whole, uncensored thing, please visit my homepage or my live journal. The links are in my bio, as always. Now, enjoy. And please review:-)
Title: Shattered
Author: Undomiel
E-mail: undomielundomiels-haven.net
Type: Drama, Romance
Pairing: Harry/Draco
Warning: slash, suicide attempt, angst
Rating: R (censored version)
Beta: Eowyn; you are the best ;-)
Disclaimers: The characters are not mine, they belong to J. K. Rowling. I'll just have some fun with them. I promise to bring them back all happy and satisfied -
Archive: lists: yes; other: please ask
Feedback: Very much appreciated
Summary: Draco is despairing over his seemingly unrequited love for a certain Gryffindor. Can he be saved? Enjoy
Notes: This story was written as a birthday present for my friend Trinity. It is my first attempt at Harry Potter fanfiction, so please be gentle grin Happy birthday, Trinity hugs And thanks to my beta Eowyn for some great ideas :-)---
Shattered"Why?!" Draco's fist connected with the mirror, sending shards of broken glass flying everywhere. He could no longer bear the sight of his own face, the hollow cheeks and dull eyes that gazed back at him from the shiny surface. In the presence of others he was still able to hide his emotions, to keep the mask in place like he had been taught since his childhood.
However, once he was alone, in the confines of the rooms offered to him as a Prefect, the anguish he felt could not be suppressed any longer. The emotions threatened to choke him, and he breathed heavily as he stared at his bloodied knuckles, the pain of the wounds for a moment a welcome distraction from the pain in his heart.
"Why must I feel this way?" he wondered softly, almost reverently. "Why am I cursed with these feelings when they are not returned?" His voice had grown louder as he spoke, his breathing becoming rapid as the pain in his soul overrode the one from his self-inflicted wounds.
"Is this some kind of punishment for my past sins, that I have to love and never have that love returned? Will I have to suffer like this for the rest of my days? Have I not tried to redeem myself to you...for you? Have I not turned away from my family, my house, my former life, to prove to you that I have changed? Have I not defied my father and the Dark Lord himself so I could be more worthy of you?"
He was pacing now, his body trembling with buried anguish, face twisted in a mask of rage and sorrow. "Have I not tried again and again to gain your attention and your trust, to show you how much I have changed? And still you don't see me, don't speak to me, don't even deem me worthy of a glance from you?! Why?! Why can't you love me as I love you?!"
By now, he was screaming, his anger and grief finally consuming him like a searing flame. Hot tears started to course down his cheeks, unstoppable, inevitable, and he wiped at them angrily. A Malfoy did not cry, no matter what, or so his father had once told him. But apparently his body refused to listen this time, for the tears only fell harder, burning his face, and he wished for another mirror to ram his fist into.
In his desperation he grabbed the crystal vase standing nearby and threw it against a wall, watching in satisfaction as it shattered into a thousand pieces, matching the ragged shards his heart had become. His vision turned blurry as months of pent up agony finally found their outlet, his body shaking as choked sobs forced their way up his throat.
No longer able to stay upright, he sank to the floor besides the broken mirror, his sobs filling the small Prefects bathroom as he cried out his heartbreak for the first time. "Why can't you love me?" he whispered dejectedly, over and over, slowly rocking himself. "Am I so worthless to you? Why can't you love me back?"
For long minutes he just sat there, sobbing brokenly as the pain inside him became almost unbearable. "Why must I suffer this way? Why must I love you of all people? Why can't you love me back?" He felt exhausted from the storm of emotions raging inside him, but still the pain did not ebb, and he didn't know how much longer he would be able endure it. This ache had been building for months, and he doubted it would simply go away any time soon.
"I cannot bear this any longer...please, make it stop..." he begged, but received no answer. "I can't do this any more. I love you so much, but you will never love me back, will you?" he whispered miserably.
He squeezed his eyes shut against the tears that still insisted on falling, but opened them immediately as a picture of his love appeared behind his closed lids. His gaze fell on his reflection in one of the larger shards of the broken mirror, and he picked it up, studying himself in the piece of glass.
His eyes were red and swollen, with tears still flowing freely from the silvery orbs, down hollow cheeks and dripping along his nose and chin. His lips trembled with the force of his misery, and faced with the visual evidence of his despair, he was once again hit by the hopelessness of his situation.
"Please, I just want the pain to go away. I cannot endure this any longer..." His eyes rested once more on the shard of glass, and he felt tired all of a sudden. He longed for peace, for an end to his suffering, for anything that would numb the pain inside.
Without thinking too much about that he was doing, acting as if in a trance, he grabbed the piece of mirror tightly and dragged it across his wrist, watching in detached fascination as red began flow forth, dripping on the tiled floor. The pain from the cut was intense, and for a moment it blocked out the other pain, making him sigh in relief.
Watching his life-fluids seep from him, he wondered for a moment how his love would feel when he found out what he had done. Would he regret his attitude towards him? Would he feel guilty or even sad? Would he maybe miss him? Draco snorted weakly. Probably not. He had his friends to keep him company, and he would most certainly forget Draco as soon as his soul had left this world.
The thought made his heart clench in his chest, and sadness overcame him once more. He had felt lonely most of his life, but never so much as in this very instant. No one would miss him, would mourn or weep for him. They would most likely all be glad that the annoying Slytherin was out of their lives forever.
Even his father would be glad to be rid of his disgrace of a son. The only one who had ever truly cared for him was Severus, but he had his own demons to fight. But maybe at least he would remember him from time to time.
Draco felt himself growing weaker, and warmth began to slowly spread through him. The shard shipped from unfeeling fingers to clatter on the floor. Yes, his love would be happy to be rid of him. Well, he should get his wish. Maybe this was the only way to finally stop the pain, the suffering. Peace settled over him as he slowly grew sleepy. Closing his eyes with a sigh of acceptance, he whispered one last sentence before blackness engulfed him, and he sagged gently against the wall behind him.
"I love you, Harry."
---
Harry Potter ran through the Halls of Hogwarts as if his life depended on it. People jumped out of his way, startled, but he only took the time to utter one-worded apologies to those around him. His mind was focused elsewhere. Luckily he did not run into too many students since it was a Hogsmeade weekend, and the majority of them was out enjoying themselves.
Only a few minutes ago his world had still been alright. He had slowly wandered towards the main doors after dinner, intent on using the opportunity to have a rare moment just for himself. He was headed for his favourite place on the Hogwarts grounds, an isolated, quiet spot where he could centre his thoughts and enjoy the sun.
However, he had barely managed a few steps outside when he was almost forced to his knees by an overwhelming feeling of despair, sweeping over him and making his mind reel. It took him a few moments to recover from the shock, but before he could wonder where the emotion had come from, he was assailed by an all-consuming need to go...somewhere.
Without taking the time to question this strange occurrence, he decided to follow his instincts, letting them pull him inside once more and through the halls of Hogwarts. He wondered where the desolation might be coming from as he headed towards the dungeons of the castle, and a small part of his mind told him that it must have something to do with Draco.
Draco Malfoy, his former nemesis and fellow prefect. He was an enigma to Harry, now more than ever before. During the first years their relationship had been a much easier one, with Draco behaving like a mean, spoiled, arrogant brat, the two of them hating each other with a fierce passion.
But over the last year something had changed, something about Draco seemed different now. On day Dumbledore had told him that the young Slytherin had turned away from his family and the Dark Lord to serve the light, and in the months that followed Harry's respect for the blonde had gradually grown. However, there was something else...something more.
These last few months he had watched as Draco became quieter and more subdued, and although the Malfoy mask was still in place, he sensed a deep sadness in the Slytherin. Draco had also completely stopped insulting him, and he looked away quickly whenever their eyes met, although Harry often felt the other's eyes on him when they were in the same room.
Weeks ago, Harry had finally admitted to himself that he felt a certain attraction towards the blond Slytherin, and probably had for some time now, but he had never dared approach him for fear of being mocked or laughed at. Still, the longing he had once seen in Draco's silver eyes, and the loneliness the other radiated tugged at his heart, and sometimes all Harry wanted was to take him in his arms and comfort him. To take the pain away.
Maybe his attraction had something to do with the fact that he could somehow feel Draco's emotions if they were only strong enough. He still was not completely sure where this ability had come from, and if Draco could also sense his feelings, but he suspected it had something to do with their last fight several months ago.
He still could not recall what exactly had happened that day. All he remembered were angry shouts, drawn wands and curses being spoken. After that, there was only darkness. He had woken up in the infirmary, where Madame Pomfrey had informed him that apparently the two of them had coincidentally cast the exact same hex on each other.
She had further explained that, for so far unknown reasons, the curses had connected in midair. Then something extraordinary had taken place. From the swirling ball of magical energy, two beams had shot out, hitting Harry and Draco squarely in the chests and flinging them across the room. All this had apparently happened within seconds, and they had been unconscious for two days afterwards.
For several weeks, no after effects could be noticed, until Harry had one day, during breakfast, been filled with a loneliness and longing that were clearly not his own. Only after it had happened several times had he finally realized to whom these feeling really belonged. But could they be the reason for this growing attraction inside him?
Harry had been so lost in his thoughts that he hadn't realized where he was going, so he was sufficiently surprised to find himself in front of the entrance to the Slytherin dormitories. He hesitated a moment, unsure if he should proceed or turn back, but the urgency was still pulling at him, stronger than ever before, and a feeling of dread slowly filled him, making him nervous. Something very bad was happening, and he had to hurry or he might be too late for whatever it was.
Focusing on the snake in the picture of Salazar Slytherin, he spoke to it in Parseltongue. "Please, allow me entrance. I fear something terrible has happened in there. I want to help." The snake eyed him curiously for a moment, then slithered out of the picture. It returned moments later, hissing softly to its master. A grim expression appeared on the founder's face, and he nodded to Harry before opening the door, permitting him to enter the Slytherin common room.
The area was deserted, since the older students were apparently enjoying their Hogsmeade weekend. The remaining ones were most likely basking in the warm spring sun outside. Harry determinedly walked towards the prefect's room, letting the pull direct him. The door was unlocked, and he carefully ventured inside, softly calling out for anyone who might hear him.
Not receiving an answer, he looked around before his eyes fell on the other door of the room, obviously leading to the adjoining bathroom. As he moved closer, the feeling of trepidation intensified, and with trembling hands he reached for the handle, only to discover that the room had been locked from the inside.
Distressed, he drew his wand, muttering 'Alohomora' and watched as the door slowly slid open.
---
The first thing that registered in his brain was the smell of blood, and his stomach rolled, nearly causing him to deposit its contents on the floor. He stepped into the bathroom apprehensively, and his eyes grew wide at the sight that met him, freezing him in his tracks.
Blood was spreading across the tiled floor, and Harry was sure he had never seen so much of it in one place before. Rapidly scanning the room, his eyes landed on a crumbled form leaning against one wall, surrounded by the shards of a broken mirror.
"No." His wand slipped from his nerveless fingers as he stood in shock for a few moments before racing over to the still figure, dropping to his knees beside the broken form. "Please, no...Draco." Horror and despair washing through him, he looked the young man over, searching for any sign of life, tears of fear forming in his emerald eyes and starting down his cheeks.
"Please, Draco, don't do this to me. You can't..." He choked back a sob as he clasped the blonde's face in his hands, shuddering at the cold skin he encountered. Draco was horribly pale, as if not one drop of blood was left inside his body, and by the look of it that might very well be the case. His trembling hand's sliding down to Draco's neck, Harry held his breath as he searched for a pulse.
Feeling a weak, nearly nonexistent heartbeat, Harry almost sobbed in relief. Acting quickly, his wand or magic forgotten for the moment, he hastily pulled off his shirt and ripped it to shreds, trying to bandage Draco's wrist so the little blood still left inside the Slytherin's body would remain there.
Harry fumbled with the bandages, dread gripping him as he saw how the fabric slowly stained red, unable to stop the flow of blood completely. Acting on pure instinct, Harry first grabbed his wand and stashed it in his robes, then carefully lifted the Slytherin into his arms. He was shocked at how light Draco was. It could not have been caused by the blood loss alone, so apparently Draco had lost weight over the last weeks, or maybe even months.
Feeling deeply concerned for the injured Slytherin, Harry darted out the door and down the halls towards the hospital wing, cradling Draco close to his chest, clutching at him as if he wanted to keep him alive by force of will alone. Tears stills trailing down his cheeks and dripping onto Draco's pale face, his arms acing from the weight he carried, he ran as fast as he could. He did not care who might see him, his sole focus on saving the life of the one in his arms. The one who apparently meant far more to him than he had realized.
Panting and shaking, Harry burst into the hospital wing, calling out frantically for Madam Pomfrey as he gently deposited Draco on one of the beds, noting with concern that the bandages had already turned red.
"Mr. Potter, what is the matter?" Madame Pomfrey called as she bustled into the room, her usual stern expression firmly in place. It quickly turned to concern as she discovered the limb form on the bed. "Mr. Potter, what happened here?" she asked as she began to tend to the Slytherin's wounds.
Harry was still trying to regain his breath, and he gasped desperately as he answered her question. "I found him like this on the floor in his bathroom...there was blood everywhere...a broken mirror. I thought he was dead...if I hadn't felt this pull, this feeling telling me to look for him...he might be dead now." The last was a broken whisper as the seriousness of the situation hit him once more. His knees finally gave out, and he slid to the floor next to the bed.
"He could have died...I could have lost him..." New tears appeared in his eyes, and the emotions he had held back while focussing on Draco's well-being abruptly slammed back into him. He curled into himself, shaking with sobs, a wail threatening to escape his throat.
"Why?! Why did he try to do that? Why would he want to kill himself?" he asked desperately. Suddenly a thought occurred to him, and he looked up at Madame Pomfrey with terrified eyes. "He is going to be alright, isn't he? He has lost so much blood, there was so much of it on the floor..."
Having closed the deep cut on Draco's wrist, the nurse now turned towards the clearly distressed Gryffindor. "Yes, he will live. You found him just in time, young man. A few more minutes and I would not have been able to help him anymore...you should thank whatever instinct that led you to him." With that she turned around and walked out of the room, only to return moments later with several potions for Draco. "These will help him heal and replenish the blood he has lost."
After she had taken care of Draco, she turned to Harry. "Mr. Potter, you look exhausted. Maybe you should return to your dormitory and get some rest." Harry looked at her uncomprehendingly for a moment, then he shook his head. "No, I want to stay here. Please, Madame Pomfrey, don't make me leave, I want to stay with Draco."
The school nurse looked into those big emerald eyes, lashes still wet with tears, and caved. "Alright, Harry, but at least lay down as well. You need the rest. I will check on Draco in a few hours." With that she left the room, and Harry stood up slowly, gazing down at the blond Slytherin. Then he looked at the nearby, empty bed and shook his head. Carefully, he moved Draco over and laid himself down next to him on top of the covers. Taking Draco's uninjured hand in his, Harry studied his former enemy until his eyes dropped, and sleep finally claimed him.
---
A low, pained moan escaped Draco's lips as his mind slowly made its way back towards consciousness. He wondered where exactly he was, and why he hurt all over. For the moment he pushed these concerns aside, though, as he still felt too tired to do more than just lie there and rest. However, his memories chose just that moment to crash back into him, and he suddenly remembered what had happened, and what he had done. Apparently he had failed, since he was very obviously not dead.
With the memories of his actions the pain, which had driven him towards them, returned as well. A keening sound made its way up his throat as despair washed over him once more at his inability to escape his fate.
All he wanted to do was hide from the world, from the pain and the consequences of what had happened, and he burrowed deeper under the covers. However, he was apparently not even allowed a short moment of ignorant bliss, for his thoughts had begun spinning, torturing him with scenario after scenario of what might happen to him now. He had tried to commit suicide, after all, and he seriously doubted the school nurse and the headmaster would simply forget about the whole incident.
Shuddering at the possibilities, he finally forced his eyes open, resigned to facing whatever Pomfrey and Dumbledore had in store for him. What he saw, though, when his gaze slid into focus made his heart stop and the blood freeze in his veins. He rubbed his eyes, hoping that his minds had merely played another trick on him, hut as he opened them once more, nothing had changed.
Draco simply stared in disbelief for a few moments at the sight before him. Harry Potter was lying beside him, on top of the covers, obviously deeply asleep. Draco took several minutes to simply study the features of the young man who had evoked such contradictory feelings inside xim these last few months. His eyes roamed hungrily over the handsome features, and his fingers itched, wanting to stroke across the smooth skin, bury themselves in the unruly hair...
But then reality took hold of him again, and a feeling of terror began to settle in his stomach. Why was Harry here? There was no need for Pomfrey or Dumbledore to tell him what had happened, so why was Harry sleeping right beside him. There was no way he could know, except...
"No...no," Draco whispered desperately, his eyes squeezed shut as shame and horror overwhelmed him. There was only one explanation. Happy must have found him, must have seen that he had tried to do. It did not matter what he had been doing near his room, the only thing of importance was that Harry had seen him. Had seen his weakness, his desperation, his hopelessness.
Panic took hold of him, and he began to tremble. What if Harry opened his eyes right now, and would mock him for his failed attempt. But no, he would never do that; he was too much the noble Gryffindor to ridicule anyone who was in pain. No, he would probably look at him in pity. He would feel sorry for Draco, because he was weak and vulnerable.
He could not let that happen. Ignoring the protest from his hurting body, he carefully drew back the covers and swung his legs to the floor. He slowly reached for his clothes on the chair beside the bed and dressed quickly, all the wile keeping an eye on Harry, assuring himself that he was still asleep.
His hands shook as he dressed, the urge to get away, to escape and hide in some dark corner growing impossibly stronger with every heartbeat. Not bothering with shoes, he padded silently towards the door. His head was spinning, and he felt exhausted to the point that he simply wanted to curl up somewhere and sleep for days. Anywhere but here...
Quietly slipping out the door, he had to steady himself on the wall as he made his way through the corridors of Hogwarts. Thankful that is was already past curfew and the hallways were practically deserted, he blindly moved forward, not caring where he went, only concerned with putting as much distance between himself and the infirmary as possible.
He could feel himself growing weaker as the strain began to catch up with him, but he forced his legs to move until he finally reached a solitary door that looked vaguely familiar. Relieved to find it unlocked, he entered the empty room and closed the door tightly behind him before looking around. Part of the room was flooded with moonlight while the other half was blanketed in comforting darkness.
Feeling drawn to the soothing presence of the shadows, he walked over and practically collapsed into the corner. Drawing his knees to his chest and wrapping his arms around them, he laid his head down on his legs as a single tear made its way down his cheek and loneliness began to fill his broken heart.
Then fatigue finally claimed him, and he drifted off into a restless slumber.
---
Harry's eyes shot open and he looked around wildly, not sure what had startled him out of his nap. He really had not meant to fall asleep, but the events of the day had been emotionally exhausting, and he had been unable to keep his eyes open at one point. Speaking of events...he turned to check how Draco was doing, only to find the other half of the bed vacant.
It took his still drowsy brain several moments to digest what he was seeing, or not seeing in his case. "Shit!" Jumping from the bed, he looked around the room wildly, then checked the bathroom and the private rooms, but still no sign of Draco. What had the Slytherin done now? He was still far too weak to be on his own, and Harry felt truly concerned that something might have happened to his former rival.
Not willing to examine too closely why exactly he felt this worried for the Slytherin, he was saved from his contemplations by Madame Pomfrey, who chose that moment to bustle into the infirmary. As son as she noticed the empty bed, she spun around and advanced on Harry, a frown marring her maternal features.
"Mr. Potter, can you explain to me why Mr. Malfoy is not in his bed where he belongs?" Harry cast his eyes down, a guilty look crossing his face. "I am so sorry. I fell asleep, and when I woke up a few minutes ago, he was gone." He looked up at her, eyes pleading. "I know I shouldn't have fallen asleep like that, but it was just all too much, and I couldn't know he would run away..."
He frantic ramblings trailed off as Madame Pomfrey laid a comforting hand on his shoulder. "It was not your fault, Harry. I should have known that he might try to escape, but I thought he would be too exhausted to move on his own for a while. I guess I underestimated his determination. Anyway, what happened, happened, and all we can do now is try to find him as soon as possible."
She walked towards the door swiftly, Harry by her side. "I will inform the headmaster immediately, so we can organize a proper search. We have to find him as soon as possible, he is in no condition to be out there. I know you want to help, Harry, so go on and look for him on your own. You'll probably know better than anyone else where he could have decided to hide."
Harry nodded and took off at a run, determined to find the lost Slytherin. He was not sure why, but he felt like he had no time to waste. He only knew that he needed to find him.
---
Harry was feeling frustrated and tired. He had searched for several hours already, but still there was no sing of Draco. Maybe the others had had more luck, but since he was sure Dumbledore would have informed him had they been successful, he doubted it. Sighing deeply, he climbed the stairs to the astronomy tower, a feeling of helplessness making its way inside his heart. He did not believe Draco would be up there, because there should be no way the injured Slytherin could have taken on these stairs in his condition.
However, remembering Madame Pomfrey's earlier words about determination, he suddenly felt a fluttering inside his stomach, and he practically ran up the stairs. Trying the door, he was relieved to find it open. As he carefully stepped inside the darkened room, a feeling of unease overcame him, and he shivered as cold fingers seemed to make their way up and down his spine.
Once more taking out his wand, he cast 'Lumos' so he would be able to examine the room properly. At first sight everything appeared empty, and even a closer look showed nothing out of the ordinary. Disappointed, Harry was about to leave the room when a slight movement in one of the dark corners caught his attention. Heart pounding and wand at the ready, he cautiously made his way over to the far side of the room, mindful of any dangers that might lurk in the shadows.
What he saw when the light finally penetrated the darkness made his breath catch in his throat, and he almost dropped his wand in shock. Only the soft, pitiful moan from the curled up figure on the floor brought him out of his stupor, and he dropped to his knees, trembling hands reaching for the fragile being in front of him.
Draco was obviously unconscious, but Harry could not tell if it was from exhaustion or some serious injury. Deciding not to take any chances, he quickly shed his robe and wrapped it around the blonde, watchful not to move him too much and maybe cause him further hurt. Harry then carefully slid his arms underneath the slender frame and lifted him easily, again amazed and worried at how light the Slytherin was.
Cradling his precious burden against his chest, he slowly straightened up and made his way back to the infirmary, glad that he had been able to find Draco, but also immensely concerned about the other's well-being. Every so often a distressed moan would leave Draco's lips, and Harry held him tighter, his heart bleeding for the obviously troubled young man in his arms.
As he reached the infirmary at last, a relieved sigh left Harry's lips because he knew that Draco would be in good hands now. And he would not leave his side. He would keep watch over Draco, until the other felt well enough to tell him of his problems.
---
When Draco returned to consciousness, he felt confused at his surroundings at first. The last thing he remembered was climbing up the stairs to the astronomy tower and curling up in a cold and lonely corner. He remembered how the darkness briefly managed to dull the misery he felt, and how he welcomed it, wanting to wrap it around his soul and erase the pain. But now he felt the soft mattress, and with a sinking feeling he realized he must be in the hospital wing once more. They had found him.
Unwilling to face the outside world, but unable to keep it away any longer, he reluctantly pried his eyelids open. Startling green eyes met his, and for a moment the world seemed to come to a standstill. He blinked as if trying to shake himself out of a trance, and once more he felt panic take hold of him. However, before he could give himself over to the emotion, strong hands gripped his.
"Draco. Draco, listen to me," the deep voice urged, calming the Slytherin somewhat. He swallowed hard, and slowly lifted his eyes to meet the Gryffindor's gaze. "Why did you run, Draco? What frightens you so that you feel you cannot ask for help?" Draco instinctively wanted to protest that he wasn't frightened, ever. But the concern in the impossibly green eyes made the lie die in his throat, and he just shrugged helplessly, lowering his gaze.
"Why did you do it, Draco? What was so horrible that you felt the only way out was to do that to yourself?" When Draco flinched but didn't answer, Harry squeezes the hands in his none too gently. "Please, Draco. You can tell me if something bothers you. Maybe I can help..." Rage took hold of Draco, and angry silver-blue eyes stared at Harry as Draco spoke quietly, his voice full of pain. "Help me? You? Why would you want to help me. I am not one of your precious friends. I am just the son of a death eater, not worth Saint Potter's attention. So just leave me the hell alone and go back to your perfect life."
He then attempted to pull his hands out of Harry's grasp and turn his back to the Gryffindor before his anger could turn to grief again. Harry, however, would have none of it, and he firmly gripped the blonde's forearms, forcing him to meet his eyes. "What are you talking about? That is not how I think about you...what...what made you think that?" When Draco remained silent, he went on. "Draco, we may not be the best of friends..." He paused and couldn't help but smirk a bit at Draco's disdainful snort. "Ok, maybe we aren't friends at all. But that does not mean that I hate you, or that I don't care about you. Because I do."
Draco just stared at him, doubt evident in his eyes, but Harry held his gaze, and eventually the Slytherin looked away. A defeated sigh left the blonde's lips as he looked into the distance. "I cannot tell you. You would not understand." Harry wanted to protest at this last comment, but the look on Draco's face made him reconsider. Later. He would be patient, and eventually Draco 'would' tell him what was on his mind. He wanted to help his...friend.
Friend? Was the Slytherin truly his friend? He watched Draco intently for a moment, and a fluttering started in the pit of Harry's stomach. Confused, he wanted to examine the new feelings more closely, but a yawn from Draco made him dismiss the idea. Maybe an answer to this question would also come with time. For now, Draco was more important, and finding out what was troubling the Slytherin.
---
Time passed, and things slowly started to return to normal again, except maybe for one Gryffindor and one Slytherin. Madame Pomfrey kept Draco in the infirmary for several days, and Harry visited him every day after his classes. At first Draco was thoroughly irritated, but soon he found that he enjoyed the time with the green-eyed Gryffindor. Not that he would ever admit it to anyone, of course.
Harry enjoyed himself as well. He had decided to stop asking questions, and wait until Draco was ready to speak to him of his own free will. For now, he only wanted to gain the friendship of the Slytherin, for he had realized that he cared far more for the other than he had originally thought. The tingling in his stomach also returned almost every time he was in Draco's presence, and as the days passed, the feeling grew stronger and harder to ignore.
Soon Draco was allowed to leave the hospital wing, but Harry refused to let things return to the way they were before. Despite the initial protests from Hermione and especially Ron, he tried to spend as much of his spare time with Draco as he could. At first the Slytherin had tried to avoid him, returning to insulting him and even threatening to use violence, but Harry was not to be swayed.
Finally Draco relented, and he grudgingly accepted Harry's offer of friendship. In truth he was delighted to be able to stay in Harry's presence. It was still painful to be near him and not act on his feelings, but it was far better than how things had been only weeks ago. His pain and desperation had become dull ache, and he decided he could live with that. If all he could ever receive from Harry was his friendship, he would find a way to cope.
Harry was equally content with the development of their relationship, and as the weeks passed his other friends had also come to accept the part Draco now had in his life. Hermione, always the logical one, had been most understanding after he had explained things to her. Ron, on the other hand, had been more difficult to convince. After Harry had made it clear that Ron had no influence on his friendship with the Slytherin, the redhead had resorted to his usual pouting. Ron had spoken not one word with his friend for a whole week, but eventually he came to accept Harry's decision, albeit grudgingly.
However, Ron's childish behaviour had been the last thing on Harry's mind at the time. He had finally been able to recognize the sensations that came over him whenever he was in Draco's presence, and what he found had frightened him at first. Even now, as he had come to accept it, he still had trouble wrapping his mind around the truth. Apparently, he was falling in love with the blond Slytherin.
Harry had almost panicked when the realization had first hit him, afraid his changed feelings might endanger the newfound and still fragile friendship. He had decided then and there that he could never tell Draco how he felt. The Slytherin had already been through so much, it would be unfair to burden him with Harry's problems. As always, though, fate had an entirely different view on the matter
---
Several months had passed since that one fateful day. Harry and Draco had settled into an easy friendship that seemed to grow deeper every day, much to the chagrin of the Slytherin's former housemates. Once they had tried to get hold of Draco when he was alone, to punish him for his supposed betrayal. Harry, however, had felt his distress and came to his aid as quickly as he could.
Between the two of them, they had made short work of the offenders, who from then on never dared approaching Draco again. That might have had something to do with the charm Harry had worked on them, a charm not even Dumbledore had been able to break. Not that he had tried properly. The irritating Slytherins were forced to live with a shifting, bright green and silver skin colour for five whole days, with matching red and gold hair. And to top everything off, a squawk was all they could produce for the same time period whenever they opened their mouths.
Draco had never laughed so much in his live as in those five days. Every time the would-be attackers crossed his way, he could barely keep his mirth in check. Generally he laughed much more since Harry and he had become friends, and for the first time for as long as he could remember he was actually enjoying his life. However, now all this might have been destroyed because of one stupid mistake. Which was exactly why he was now sitting on a rock in his favourite hideaway a short distance from the castle, gazing out into the distance.
He had always loved this place, and he came here whenever he needed to be alone. Protected by a calf-circle of trees on one side and surrounded by the fragrance of countless wildflowers, he sat near the edge of a precipice, enjoying the spectacular view. He sighed desolately as he remembered what had happened earlier, and what could very well mark the end of the friendship he had with Harry.
He had been on his way up to Harry's room to have a chat with him. He had been increasingly lonely lately, and had felt the need to talk to someone in order to distract himself. Once at the door, he had knocked twice, but received no answer. So he had simply uttered the password Harry had given him and entered the Prefects room. At first there had been no sign of the young man, and even his repeated calling had proven fruitless. However, just as he had been about to leave and search for his friend elsewhere, Harry had wandered out of the bathroom.
The Gryffindor had obviously just had a shower, as he was towelling his hair furiously. The skin of his torso had been glistening with moisture, and little droplets had made their way slowly down his chest and abdomen to vanish underneath the short towel that was riding low on his hips. The toned muscles in his arms and chest had rippled as he fought to dry his hair, and Draco had felt his eyes roaming helplessly across the sculptured chest, down the toned abdomen, and finally up the strong legs again until the muscular thighs were once more covered by the small piece of fabric.
Draco could still remember the passion the sight had fuelled inside him. He had been unable to do anything but stand there and stare, his mouth dry ad his fingers eager to touch that bronzed skin. He remembered how Harry had finally finished with his hair, and how he had voiced his surprise at finding Draco there waiting for him.
He also clearly remembered how he had walked up to the Gryffindor without saying one word, his body moving seemingly of its own volition. He had been unable to control the desire burning inside him any longer. With shaky hands he had reached up, had worked his fingers through the still damp hair, and then kissed Harry deeply, passionately.
He had felt the other gasp in surprise and struggle briefly before he had surrendered and allowed the kiss. Draco could still recall coming back to his senses and jerking back in a panic. He had seen the confused and shocked expression in those emerald eyes, and his world had come crashing down around him. He had then bolted from the room as fast as he could, ignoring Harry's calls and the curious stares of the people he passed.
He had not stopped running until he had reached his save haven, where his legs had finally given out from under him. So now here he was, his head in his hands, knowing that he might just have ruined the only good thing that had ever happened to him.
A lone tear made its way down his cheek, and with glistening eyes he stared into the distance, as if there lay the answers to his questions. A sound behind him made him whirl around, and his eyes went wide as he stared at the person who had just stepped through the trees.
---
Harry fought a growing sense of deja vue as he hurried through the castle, frantically searching for Draco. He only hoped he would not find him in a similar state like the last time the blond Slytherin had bolted, although back then Draco's condition had been different, as had been his reasons for trying to escape.
Harry could still hardly believe what had happened only minutes ago. Draco had kissed him. His hand went instinctively to his lips as he remembered the soft touch of the Slytherin's sensuous mouth, how much love and desperation had been evident in this one brief contact.
Draco loved him, he was sure of that now. He might only be able to feel strong emotions from Draco, and until now those had only be feelings of despair. However, when Draco had kissed him, he had clearly felt the other's love wash over him, to mingle with his own in a joyous dance. It had soon been replaced by horror as Draco had realized what he had done, but the memory of his love still swirled through Harry, making his skin tingle.
If Draco had only decided to stay, if he had responded to Harry's calls, they could both already be where their hearts apparently desired to be. But of course Draco had to do things the hard way. Harry smiled fondly as he continued to make his way through Hogwarts. His stubbornness was one of the things he loved most about his friend.
Harry stopped and looked around. He had checked all the places inside the castle where Draco might have decided to hide, but still no sign of the Slytherin. So he must be outside. A heavy sigh left Harry's lips as he slowly left the castle. There were countless spots out there for Draco to seek refuge in, and he had no idea where he should start his search. He decided to go to his favourite place first so he could calm his thoughts and try to think about where Draco might have decided to go.
He had wanted to show this special place to his friend for some time. No one had ever been there with him before, but the thought of sharing it with Draco had felt so right in a way... Finally, he reached the line of trees that separated his small haven from the outside world. He carefully parted the branches and slipped through, and froze immediately as green eyes met startled silver-blue ones.
---
"Draco? What...how did you know of this place? I always thought only I had discovered it until now." Harry knew it wasn't the smartest thing to say, but right then nothing else had come to mind, and he was genuinely curious. He studied the blonde, and was relieved to find him apparently unharmed, although he looked like a frightened animal this very moment.
Draco swallowed to moisten his suddenly dry throat as he stared at Harry. His first impulse had been to jump up and run, but then his heritage had kicked in and prevented an eventual escape. He still was a Malfoy, after all, and Malfoy's did not run away in fear. Steeling his face into his usual emotionless mask once more, he tried to sound calm as he answered.
"I found this place by accident in my third year. I always thought the view was rather spectacular, and here I could be by myself if I wanted to get away from the others." His mask slipped slightly as he added almost inaudibly, "Here I can be more than just the son of Lucius Malfoy. I can be Draco."
Harry saw the mask settle into place, and he saw it slip again. This might very well be his only chance to make this work between them, and he had every intention of making use of it. He slowly advanced on the other young man, and settled on the ground close to him. He was careful not to touch him yet, but he was near enough to feel the heat radiating from Draco's body. Turning his head to study the sharp profile, he finally gave voice to what he had wanted to ask since stepping into the clearing.
"Why did you run, Draco? Why didn't you stop when I called after you?" When Draco remained silent, he slowly raised his hand to the blonde's chin, turning his head so their eyes could meet. "Tell me what you are afraid of. Why did you run? Please..." The beseeching look in Harry's eyes was more than Draco could bear, and he looked away again. Harry's hand slipped from his chin, but instead of withdrawing completely, he grasped on of the hands settled in Draco's his lap. Harry gently entwined their fingers and squeezed gently, causing the blonde to look up in surprise.
"Please...tell me. Trust me." Harry's face was gentle, and Draco's breath caught at the emotion that shone from his emerald orbs. It was impossible...his mind had to be deceiving him...there was no way Harry could.... But the Gryffindor had been a good friend over the last months, and the truth was that Draco did trust him. Probably more than he had ever dared to trust anyone.
Squeezing his eyes shut, and hoping this would not put an end to their friendship, he took the lap of faith. "I never wanted for you to find out. I don't know why I did that earlier...I usually have more control over my emotions." He realized he was starting to babble, and he would like nothing better than to just remain silent, but first he had to clarify some things. "Harry, I want you to know that I will never expect anything from you. I promise I will keep it under control. Something like that will never happen again." He swallowed hard before forcing himself to finish his thoughts. "I value our friendship, Harry, and I don't want to endanger it in any way."
He hated that he sounded so weak and needy to his own ears, but that was just what he was. He needed Harry. He would never have thought it possible only a short while ago, but now the Gryffindor's friendship meant more to him than he liked to admit.
During his admission Draco had stubbornly stared at the ground in front of him, unable to meet Harry's eyes. Had he risked a glance at him, he would have seen the surprise and confusion crossing the other's features, soon followed by realization and finally determination. So Draco wanted to keep hidden what was slowly growing between them. Well, Harry was not about to let that happen.
"Draco, look at me." Reluctantly, the silvery eyes rose to meet his, and Harry knew the only way to handle this was by being totally blunt and honest. "Do you love me, Draco?" The Slytherin flinched and tried to withdraw his hand, but Harry would have none of it. Tightening his grip, he asked once more. "Do you love me, Draco?" Fear rising inside him, Draco contemplated struggling, but it would be of no use. If he wanted to salvage this friendship, he had to be truthful with the Gryffindor.
"Yes." It was barely audibly, but Harry had heard nonetheless. A slow smile spread across his face, and he used his free hand to turn Draco's lowered face up yet again. Startled at the joy radiating from the Gryffindor, Draco could only stare at him incredulously. Harry's grip shifted, and his fingers tenderly caressed Draco's soft cheek, causing the other to look at him with wide and confused eyes.
"I love you as well, Draco." Nothing more needed to be said at this moment, and Harry watched, amused, as disbelief made its way onto Draco's features. "No...this can't be...how can you...if this is a joke..." Draco appeared unable to string a coherent sentence together, and Harry knew nothing he said right now would fully convince the distraught Slytherin. So he did the only thing he was sure would break through Draco's agitation.
Draco gasped, startled, as lips descended onto his, and a tongue worked its way into his mouth. His puzzled mind refused to comprehend what was happening, but his body acted instinctively. Winding his arms around Harry's neck, he hung on for dear life as the other gently lowered him to the grass-covered ground. The kiss never broke as Harry moved his body over Draco's, whose thighs spread of their own volition, allowing Harry to settle more comfortably into the blonde's embrace.
All of Draco's doubts seemed to be washed away by one passion-filled kiss, and he wound his legs around Harry's hips, as if he never wanted to let go again. Finally, after long moments, the need for air became overpowering. With one last sensual lick to the roof of Draco's mouth that had the Slytherin shuddering in delight, Harry slowly drew back. He refused to let go, though. Not that it would have been possible with Draco's arms and legs still wound around him.
He lovingly watched the flushed face below him, and as Draco's beautiful eyes finally opened, he placed a gentle kiss on the blonde's ear before whispering, "Do you believe me now, or do I need to try and convince you further?" Draco smiled and studied Harry's face. It was impossible to deny the love in the emerald eyes any longer, and he had no wish to do so. What had seemed impossible only months ago was now within his reach at last, and he felt happiness flow through him and lighten his heart.
However, that did not mean he would make this too easy for Harry. "Hmmmmm....I am not sure. I think it might be better if you try and convince me again. Just to be certain." A wicked smile crossed Harry's features, matching Draco's own expression. "It will be my pleasure to convince you for as long and as often as you want." With that he dove down again and took Draco's lips in another passionate kiss.
Their tongues duelled for endless minutes, seeking, caressing, but soon it was no longer enough. They needed to be closer, to feel what had been denied for too long. Draco reluctantly unwound his arms and legs, and they slowly divested each other of their clothing, hands caressing and mouths kissing whenever new skin was exposed.
A/N: I am really sorry, but the rest of the sex scene had to be deleted in this version. If you want to read the whole thing, please visit my homepage :-) I know the rest seems rather cut off, but I at least wanted to give you the end of this story. ;-)
For long moments they lay like this, snuggled in each other's arms, the soft rain washing away the traces of their lovemaking. Neither spoke for a long time, simply enjoying the other's presence, but something kept nagging at the back of Harry's mind, and he knew he would find no peace until he got an answer.
"Draco?" He inquired softly, face still pressed against the other's slick shoulder. A humming sound was all he got as a reply, and he smiled before turning serious again. "That day I found you in your bathroom...what you did to yourself...was it because of this? Because you felt your feelings were not returned?" Harry waited patiently and finally Draco lifted his head, bright sliver-blue eyes meeting his. He could see love and trust in them, and he knew he would get an honest answer.
"Yes. Back then I believed you would never return my feelings, and I simply couldn't bear the pain any more." Then, more quietly. "I am glad I failed, or else..." Harry hushed him with a finger to the lips. "No, don't think about it. We are here, and we are together. That is all that matters. I love you... Never again will you need to feel such pain. I will make certain of it. Never again." Then he kissed Draco tenderly, as if wanting to assure the other of his sincerity.
As they parted, Draco smiled up at him, a true smile as only Harry had ever seen it until now, full of happiness and love. "I love you, too, Harry."
The End.
A/N: I hope you liked it. If you did ( or if you didn't ;-), please tell me about it and review ;-)