******
I found my backpack and pulled out a chocolate bar. Dark chocolate. Nothing else will do for this particular test. Then I went in search of Gorgeous. I found him and Hairy in one of the kitchens eating. Correction, I found Hairy eating. Blondie was just standing there looking morose. (He does that a lot).
"Have a bite of this," I handed The Gorgeous One a piece of chocolate.
He took it and sniffed it delicately. (He does everything delicately!)
"I'm trying to poison you," I said sarcastically.
He popped the chocolate in his mouth and -
chewed.
HA! Test passed! I nodded in satisfaction. Even if we did turn him over to the Sues he'd survive. He may not like it but he'd get over it and survive the ordeal. (I will have no more guilt about this!)
The Old Guy burst into the kitchen as I was picking some food off of Hairy's plate. (Bad habit of mine, I know.)
"I believe I have found the answer!" He announced in his overdramatic way.
"That's nice," I murmured. "Are you going to eat that?" I asked Hairy pointing to a very large hunk of bread.
"But I know how to banish the Sues!" Old Guy Drama Queen fairly danced around the kitchen in glee.
Gorgeous looked like he wanted to believe it but didn't want to get his hopes up.
"Hmm. Schpit did dout, man!" I said with a mouthful of bread.
"Speak," commanded Hairy when it was clear no one understood me.
Old Guy laid down an Ancient Scroll on the table and the four of us huddled over it.
Some freaky chicken scratch covered the page.
"I can't read that!" I exclaimed. "What the hell is it? Don't look like no Greek or Latin I've ever seen, that's for sure."
"It's Quenya," Blondie breathed excitedly. Apparently HE could read Quenya. (Whatever.)
"What does it say?" I asked anxiously.
Old Guy and Gorgeous began to talk in some weird code. Hairy and I went back to eating. The hell with them if they wanted to be like that.
"It says that you must write the Sues out of existence. That only by capturing their essence can you banish them from Middle Earth forever," intoned Old Guy in his best creepy voice.
"By the way, what is your name, anyway?" He finally broke down and asked.
"Ah, just call me 'girl', you probably couldn't pronounce my name anyway," I shrugged. "So I have to 'capture their essence' and write them out of existence?" I mused. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"Well, why don't you open the Black Book of Doom and start writing in it. Maybe by putting their names in the book it will send them away forever," he reasoned.
I raised my eyebrows. "Hey, you're pretty sharp for an old geezer," I said admiringly. "I'll go get my laptop and we'll try this theory out right now."
I grabbed the computer and my cigs and ran back down to the kitchen. Scruffy and Supermodel had been rounded up for the big experiment. I was shocked to find Supermodel actually eating bread. God! Skinny, blond, gorgeous and able to eat anything she wants. I may just have to write HER out of existence, I plotted. (Later, later, save it for later.)
Everyone gathered around as I booted up the laptop and opened a blank document. "OK, somebody start talking," I said.
Nobody said anything. "Well, some body needs to start describing one of them so I can put it down!" I demanded.
Blondie tentatively leaned over and started whispering in my ear. I typed as he talked. (Must concentrate. Must save pretty blond boy from hormonally raged girls.) Two cigarettes later we had a paragraph describing several of the flying Sues. I hit "save" and shut down the computer.
"How will we know if it worked?" I asked.
"We'll have to see if the flying Sues have disappeared once the sun rises," Old Guy said in his Drama Voice.
*****
Notes: The chocolate test – sneaky test to determine a guy's sexual orientation. Must be done with dark chocolate (preferably). Most "straight" guys will chew chocolate while women and not-so-straight guys will suck on it. (Not a scientific measurement but it's usually pretty accurate).
****
I found my backpack and pulled out a chocolate bar. Dark chocolate. Nothing else will do for this particular test. Then I went in search of Gorgeous. I found him and Hairy in one of the kitchens eating. Correction, I found Hairy eating. Blondie was just standing there looking morose. (He does that a lot).
"Have a bite of this," I handed The Gorgeous One a piece of chocolate.
He took it and sniffed it delicately. (He does everything delicately!)
"I'm trying to poison you," I said sarcastically.
He popped the chocolate in his mouth and -
chewed.
HA! Test passed! I nodded in satisfaction. Even if we did turn him over to the Sues he'd survive. He may not like it but he'd get over it and survive the ordeal. (I will have no more guilt about this!)
The Old Guy burst into the kitchen as I was picking some food off of Hairy's plate. (Bad habit of mine, I know.)
"I believe I have found the answer!" He announced in his overdramatic way.
"That's nice," I murmured. "Are you going to eat that?" I asked Hairy pointing to a very large hunk of bread.
"But I know how to banish the Sues!" Old Guy Drama Queen fairly danced around the kitchen in glee.
Gorgeous looked like he wanted to believe it but didn't want to get his hopes up.
"Hmm. Schpit did dout, man!" I said with a mouthful of bread.
"Speak," commanded Hairy when it was clear no one understood me.
Old Guy laid down an Ancient Scroll on the table and the four of us huddled over it.
Some freaky chicken scratch covered the page.
"I can't read that!" I exclaimed. "What the hell is it? Don't look like no Greek or Latin I've ever seen, that's for sure."
"It's Quenya," Blondie breathed excitedly. Apparently HE could read Quenya. (Whatever.)
"What does it say?" I asked anxiously.
Old Guy and Gorgeous began to talk in some weird code. Hairy and I went back to eating. The hell with them if they wanted to be like that.
"It says that you must write the Sues out of existence. That only by capturing their essence can you banish them from Middle Earth forever," intoned Old Guy in his best creepy voice.
"By the way, what is your name, anyway?" He finally broke down and asked.
"Ah, just call me 'girl', you probably couldn't pronounce my name anyway," I shrugged. "So I have to 'capture their essence' and write them out of existence?" I mused. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"Well, why don't you open the Black Book of Doom and start writing in it. Maybe by putting their names in the book it will send them away forever," he reasoned.
I raised my eyebrows. "Hey, you're pretty sharp for an old geezer," I said admiringly. "I'll go get my laptop and we'll try this theory out right now."
I grabbed the computer and my cigs and ran back down to the kitchen. Scruffy and Supermodel had been rounded up for the big experiment. I was shocked to find Supermodel actually eating bread. God! Skinny, blond, gorgeous and able to eat anything she wants. I may just have to write HER out of existence, I plotted. (Later, later, save it for later.)
Everyone gathered around as I booted up the laptop and opened a blank document. "OK, somebody start talking," I said.
Nobody said anything. "Well, some body needs to start describing one of them so I can put it down!" I demanded.
Blondie tentatively leaned over and started whispering in my ear. I typed as he talked. (Must concentrate. Must save pretty blond boy from hormonally raged girls.) Two cigarettes later we had a paragraph describing several of the flying Sues. I hit "save" and shut down the computer.
"How will we know if it worked?" I asked.
"We'll have to see if the flying Sues have disappeared once the sun rises," Old Guy said in his Drama Voice.
*****
Notes: The chocolate test – sneaky test to determine a guy's sexual orientation. Must be done with dark chocolate (preferably). Most "straight" guys will chew chocolate while women and not-so-straight guys will suck on it. (Not a scientific measurement but it's usually pretty accurate).
****