Chapter 7
Egotism's Angels
"Huh? Where are we?" Waluigi cluelessly asked.
Toothpick-skinny Waluigi and his piggy brother Wario were rising up, up, and away. And don't ask me how Wario can rise, seeing as he's 308 pounds...
Wario: I am NOT!
Waluigi: Right. You're 309.
Anyways, they were rising. "Correction: Where am I?" Wario corrected. "Because YOU don't matter..."
"OH YEAH?!?" Waluigi shot back. "YOUR Acensored IS SO FAT... um... your acensored is so fat... fat... that when you sat on that Yoshi's tail, we had to rename him 'Beavershi'!"
"AH, HAH, HAH, HAH? THAT'S THE BEST YOU CAN DO?!?" Wario laughed. "You're pathe..."
"To heaven or to hell?" asked a random voice.
"Huh?" The Wario brothers spun around. Correction: WaLUIGI spun around, while Wario attempted to pivot, fell down, made a fool of himself in getting back up, attempted to pivot again, made an even BIGGER fool of himself in getting back up, attempted to just jump 180 degrees, fell down, and now he was lying like a deflated beach ball on... a white cloud. And don't ask me how he got there either. Oh, yeah, and he made the biggest fool of himself ever, he was a new world record holder.
Guinness People: *rush to the scene* Ohh! It's a new world record! We went to the trouble of dying just to interview you! Aren't you PROUD of us?... so anyways, what's your name?
Wario: Go away. *pushes them into the gates of hell*
"I said, to heaven or to hell?"
"Huh?" the Wario brothers said again.
"ARGH..." The random person marched up to Wario and cleared all the earwax out of his ears. He then proceeded to do the same to Waluigi. "There. That's better. Now, to heaven or to hell?"
"Huh?"
"EEEEEEEEEEEUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Mr. To-Heaven-Or-To-Hell moaned. Then he looked down at his index finger. "Ewwwwwwwww! Grooooooooss!"
"Oh, hi," Waluigi said eagerly. "Can you give me some food?"
"We can't eat," Wario snapped. "We're dead."
"Wait. We're dead?"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"
The Wario Brothers squirmed around on the floor, making unidentified Wario noises.
"OKAY, I'LL SAY THIS ONE LAST TIME. TO HEAVEN OR TO HELL?!?!?!?!?!?"
Wario somehow managed to get up. "So we're dead because those stupid Guinness people said that they went to all the trouble of dying just to interview us?"
"OMG... I'M DEAD..." Waluigi was having spasms. "I'M... DEEEEEAAAAD... I'MMMMM... DEEEE... Oh, wait, cool! I'm dead!" Waluigi bolted up. "COOOOL! Now I can terrorize that Mario person on his dumb quest to recover the Shine Sprites!"
"Not that again!" Wario wailed.
-- FLASHBACK --
"All right, Wario. Mario's future is in our hands. All we have to do is get down this Warp Pipe! Fwahaha!" A very eager Waluigi chuckled.
"Fine, but if I can't fit down this Warp Pipe then..."
"Who are you kidding? Of COURSE you'll fit down there." Waluigi was being unusually optimistic. "I mean, I can fit down there..."
"NGGGGGGGGG! I'M STUUUUUUUUUCK!" Wario wailed.
"Oh, nevermind," Waluigi muttered.
-- END FLASHBACK --
"Ah, hah... I remember that. We had to call Triple A to come and tow you out of there! That was one of the funniest..." Waluigi started randomly giggling.
"SHUT UP!" Wario yelled.
"TOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAVEN... OR... TO..."
"Oh, wait! Wait! Wait! We're good! We're good! No, really, we are!" Waluigi suddenly realized that Mr. To-Heaven-Or-To-Hell was actually saying something.
"Yeah! We're good! We spent all our lives donating to the International... um..." Wario was thinking.
"... um... Find-A-Cure-For... Potbellyemia! Foundation! Before we got attacked by a giant..." Waluigi tried to help him out.
Wario gave Waluigi a look.
"... umm... caterpillar!" Waluigi finished.
"A veeeery likely story," muttered Mr. To-Heaven-Or-To-Hell sarcastically. "And I suppose your brother over there suffered from... Potbellyemia?"
Wario had had it. He ran up to Mr. To-Heaven-Or-To-Hell and socked him in the nose.
"Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwie!" Mr. To-Heaven-Or-To-Hell screamed.
"OPEN THE GATE TO HEAVEN OR ELSE I WILL DO IT AGAIN!" ordered Wario.
Without saying anything, Mr. To-Heaven-Or-To-Hell robotically marched over to Heaven's gate and opened the gate. Wario and Waluigi stomped in, leaving Mr. To-Heaven-Or-To-Hell flat on the ground.
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"So this is heaven..." Wario's eyes turned into big juicy burgers.
"So this is heaven..." Waluigi's eyes turned into lean, skinny hot dogs.
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..." They both fell to the ground.
"OMG... look... it's the Wario Brothers!" "How the hell did they get into heaven?" (Hey, it's a new Top 20 oxymoron!) "Tsk tsk... blackmail..."
"Hey. Why are they talking about us?" Waluigi sat up, and saw angels. He also saw his round brother.
With wings.
Waluigi immediately fell to the ground again.
"Wario... has... wings..." he half-conciously muttered.
"I HAVE WINGS?!?"
"Oh, cool, I can fly! Wheeeee!" Wario lifted three feet up into the air.
"And you don't get weighed down and thud to the ground?!?" Waluigi's hotdog-eyes were wide.
"Hey, shut up!" Wario yelled, and lifted four more feet up.
"Hey, look, I have wings, too!" Waluigi said happily. He circled around Wario's head.
"HEY! GET BACK HERE!" Wario chased Waluigi around the gate.
"Hey, the Wario Brothers are actually getting along. Shocker. Wow," said a random saint.
"Hey, let's quit saying 'Hey' at the beginning of every sentence," said another random saint.
"Hey, I agree with you," said a third random saint.
"Ummm, I'm getting tired," Wario admitted after five seconds of exercise. "Pant... pant... pant... I think I'm just going to drop to the ground..." Wario quit fluttering his wings and began falling at about 500 miles an hour.
"WARIO?!? YOU JUST FELL OFF THE EDGE!! Oh, coooool! Now I have the whole heaven to myself!" Fifty hundred saints glared at Waluigi. "Oh, oops. I mean... it seems like that since he was so fat..."
"YOU WIENER!" Wario yelled from about 4000 feet below.
"I... AM... NOT... A..." Foam started rushing to Waluigi's lips. "... WIENER!" Waluigi chased after Wario, falling at about... 5 miles an hour. "Hey, not fair, why do I have to be the one who's 95 pounds?"
"YOU'RE 95 POUNDS?!?" Wario yelled in shock and awe.
"WELL, IT'S BETTER THAN 309!!"
"Three oh EIGHT! EIGHT! GOT THAT?!?"
"No, I haven't got..."
*voices fade out into distance*
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Meanwhile, inside Hell's Gate:
Guinness Person: Not fair, we went to all the trouble of jumping around like idiots waving in the middle of the freeway to be in HELL?!? NOT FAIR!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A/N: By the way, I'm not trying to be religious in any way. I'm not even religious at all...
Egotism's Angels
"Huh? Where are we?" Waluigi cluelessly asked.
Toothpick-skinny Waluigi and his piggy brother Wario were rising up, up, and away. And don't ask me how Wario can rise, seeing as he's 308 pounds...
Wario: I am NOT!
Waluigi: Right. You're 309.
Anyways, they were rising. "Correction: Where am I?" Wario corrected. "Because YOU don't matter..."
"OH YEAH?!?" Waluigi shot back. "YOUR Acensored IS SO FAT... um... your acensored is so fat... fat... that when you sat on that Yoshi's tail, we had to rename him 'Beavershi'!"
"AH, HAH, HAH, HAH? THAT'S THE BEST YOU CAN DO?!?" Wario laughed. "You're pathe..."
"To heaven or to hell?" asked a random voice.
"Huh?" The Wario brothers spun around. Correction: WaLUIGI spun around, while Wario attempted to pivot, fell down, made a fool of himself in getting back up, attempted to pivot again, made an even BIGGER fool of himself in getting back up, attempted to just jump 180 degrees, fell down, and now he was lying like a deflated beach ball on... a white cloud. And don't ask me how he got there either. Oh, yeah, and he made the biggest fool of himself ever, he was a new world record holder.
Guinness People: *rush to the scene* Ohh! It's a new world record! We went to the trouble of dying just to interview you! Aren't you PROUD of us?... so anyways, what's your name?
Wario: Go away. *pushes them into the gates of hell*
"I said, to heaven or to hell?"
"Huh?" the Wario brothers said again.
"ARGH..." The random person marched up to Wario and cleared all the earwax out of his ears. He then proceeded to do the same to Waluigi. "There. That's better. Now, to heaven or to hell?"
"Huh?"
"EEEEEEEEEEEUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Mr. To-Heaven-Or-To-Hell moaned. Then he looked down at his index finger. "Ewwwwwwwww! Grooooooooss!"
"Oh, hi," Waluigi said eagerly. "Can you give me some food?"
"We can't eat," Wario snapped. "We're dead."
"Wait. We're dead?"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"
The Wario Brothers squirmed around on the floor, making unidentified Wario noises.
"OKAY, I'LL SAY THIS ONE LAST TIME. TO HEAVEN OR TO HELL?!?!?!?!?!?"
Wario somehow managed to get up. "So we're dead because those stupid Guinness people said that they went to all the trouble of dying just to interview us?"
"OMG... I'M DEAD..." Waluigi was having spasms. "I'M... DEEEEEAAAAD... I'MMMMM... DEEEE... Oh, wait, cool! I'm dead!" Waluigi bolted up. "COOOOL! Now I can terrorize that Mario person on his dumb quest to recover the Shine Sprites!"
"Not that again!" Wario wailed.
-- FLASHBACK --
"All right, Wario. Mario's future is in our hands. All we have to do is get down this Warp Pipe! Fwahaha!" A very eager Waluigi chuckled.
"Fine, but if I can't fit down this Warp Pipe then..."
"Who are you kidding? Of COURSE you'll fit down there." Waluigi was being unusually optimistic. "I mean, I can fit down there..."
"NGGGGGGGGG! I'M STUUUUUUUUUCK!" Wario wailed.
"Oh, nevermind," Waluigi muttered.
-- END FLASHBACK --
"Ah, hah... I remember that. We had to call Triple A to come and tow you out of there! That was one of the funniest..." Waluigi started randomly giggling.
"SHUT UP!" Wario yelled.
"TOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAVEN... OR... TO..."
"Oh, wait! Wait! Wait! We're good! We're good! No, really, we are!" Waluigi suddenly realized that Mr. To-Heaven-Or-To-Hell was actually saying something.
"Yeah! We're good! We spent all our lives donating to the International... um..." Wario was thinking.
"... um... Find-A-Cure-For... Potbellyemia! Foundation! Before we got attacked by a giant..." Waluigi tried to help him out.
Wario gave Waluigi a look.
"... umm... caterpillar!" Waluigi finished.
"A veeeery likely story," muttered Mr. To-Heaven-Or-To-Hell sarcastically. "And I suppose your brother over there suffered from... Potbellyemia?"
Wario had had it. He ran up to Mr. To-Heaven-Or-To-Hell and socked him in the nose.
"Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwie!" Mr. To-Heaven-Or-To-Hell screamed.
"OPEN THE GATE TO HEAVEN OR ELSE I WILL DO IT AGAIN!" ordered Wario.
Without saying anything, Mr. To-Heaven-Or-To-Hell robotically marched over to Heaven's gate and opened the gate. Wario and Waluigi stomped in, leaving Mr. To-Heaven-Or-To-Hell flat on the ground.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"So this is heaven..." Wario's eyes turned into big juicy burgers.
"So this is heaven..." Waluigi's eyes turned into lean, skinny hot dogs.
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..." They both fell to the ground.
"OMG... look... it's the Wario Brothers!" "How the hell did they get into heaven?" (Hey, it's a new Top 20 oxymoron!) "Tsk tsk... blackmail..."
"Hey. Why are they talking about us?" Waluigi sat up, and saw angels. He also saw his round brother.
With wings.
Waluigi immediately fell to the ground again.
"Wario... has... wings..." he half-conciously muttered.
"I HAVE WINGS?!?"
"Oh, cool, I can fly! Wheeeee!" Wario lifted three feet up into the air.
"And you don't get weighed down and thud to the ground?!?" Waluigi's hotdog-eyes were wide.
"Hey, shut up!" Wario yelled, and lifted four more feet up.
"Hey, look, I have wings, too!" Waluigi said happily. He circled around Wario's head.
"HEY! GET BACK HERE!" Wario chased Waluigi around the gate.
"Hey, the Wario Brothers are actually getting along. Shocker. Wow," said a random saint.
"Hey, let's quit saying 'Hey' at the beginning of every sentence," said another random saint.
"Hey, I agree with you," said a third random saint.
"Ummm, I'm getting tired," Wario admitted after five seconds of exercise. "Pant... pant... pant... I think I'm just going to drop to the ground..." Wario quit fluttering his wings and began falling at about 500 miles an hour.
"WARIO?!? YOU JUST FELL OFF THE EDGE!! Oh, coooool! Now I have the whole heaven to myself!" Fifty hundred saints glared at Waluigi. "Oh, oops. I mean... it seems like that since he was so fat..."
"YOU WIENER!" Wario yelled from about 4000 feet below.
"I... AM... NOT... A..." Foam started rushing to Waluigi's lips. "... WIENER!" Waluigi chased after Wario, falling at about... 5 miles an hour. "Hey, not fair, why do I have to be the one who's 95 pounds?"
"YOU'RE 95 POUNDS?!?" Wario yelled in shock and awe.
"WELL, IT'S BETTER THAN 309!!"
"Three oh EIGHT! EIGHT! GOT THAT?!?"
"No, I haven't got..."
*voices fade out into distance*
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Meanwhile, inside Hell's Gate:
Guinness Person: Not fair, we went to all the trouble of jumping around like idiots waving in the middle of the freeway to be in HELL?!? NOT FAIR!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A/N: By the way, I'm not trying to be religious in any way. I'm not even religious at all...