Insight
Chapter 9
by Xellas M.
"I love ya, Chiri."
The only reality is in a moment and only within reality can infinity be found.
This moment, in which the ghost of Tasuki's lips lingered on Chichiri's forehead and his soul greedily devoured the words the fire seishi had spoken, stretched beyond the stars. The unexpected but very welcome revelation left the monk dazed. Sensations and emotions bombarded him, each distinct from the others, each part of the whole. He struggled to find himself within this new, measureless world where his brightest hopes were a gift that had been handed to him freely.
Chichiri was thirsty, having finished the last of the water from his tiny hip flask the previous night. His body was exhausted and every single scratch he bore gave him the tiniest whisper of pain. His kesa was bunched up uncomfortably; he could smell his own dirt and exertion. He was ashamed also, of both his disheveled appearance and the temper that had caused it.
The bandit looked almost as tired and uncomfortable as Chichiri felt. Bright golden eyes stood out against dark circles left by sleeplessness and worry. The faint freckles that Chichiri had come to love were hidden behind the bandit's deep blush. And the way the younger man was standing…the mage had seen it before. Tasuki would never back down or run away from anything important no matter what price he ended up paying for it. He was braced against such a reckoning now, expecting to suffer for what he'd said, what he felt, although he would probably die before taking it back.
The day the monk had first understood his feelings for his friend, he had lifted his face to the sun. He had felt its warmth on his face and been deeply grateful for the gift of life that allowed him the simple pleasure. Now his heart was warmed as though by a thousand suns. Chichiri had been given so much in his life: a carefree childhood with wonderful friends and a loving family; men of wisdom who had pulled him out of the river he'd thrown himself into after his betrayal, who had taught him that all life was precious, even his own; later, the privilege of fighting beside his fellow seishi, dear friends who had all suffered greatly but refused to give up hope. Now he had been given Tasuki's love. It was more than any one man deserved.
Then the moment was over, although it never would truly end. He would carry it with him in all its beauty and imperfection long after the veil of illusion had been cast aside and he was at one with the universe.
"Tasuki, I –"
"Nuh-huh. Ya promised ta tell me why ya got so mad." His jaw set, the redhead glared at him defiantly.
"But, Tasuki –"
"AND ya promised not to freak out neither. Now ya don't get ta say a damn thing 'till ya answer my question!"
Chichiri shrugged. It was no use arguing with Tasuki when he decided to be stubborn about something. The younger man would figure it out when he heard the answer anyway. And he did have the right to know the reason for the mage's disappearance before things went any further, even though Chichiri understood his friend well enough to know he would be forgiven.
"Alright, no da. Only, could I have a drink of water first, na no da?" The thought of having a drink made his stomach grumble in discontent. It wanted something much more substantial than water. The monk had eaten nothing at all the day before, and very little the day before that.
Tasuki's expression went immediately from challenging to concerned. His blush, never quite fully faded from his confession, returned in full.
"Shit, I'm so sorry, I shoulda noticed. You're hurt an' all an' ya need ta get some rest."
A strong hand pushed down on his shoulder and before he knew it, he was sitting comfortably in the grass while Tasuki dug food and water from his small pack.
"Tasuki-kun no da, I told you it was nothing, no da. You shouldn't worry."
The fire seishi ignored him, shoving a mostly-full canteen of water into his hands. When he did not start drinking quickly enough for the bandit's liking, Tasuki lifted the container, which the monk was still gripping, all the way to his mouth. There was nothing for it but to part his lips and let the cool water refresh him.
It was sweet, being cared for like this. He released his hold on the canteen, placing his hands over his friend's, brushing his thumb lightly across the younger man's wrist in thanks. Tasuki trembled at the touch but did not let go until the monk had finished.
Tasuki nodded in approval when Chichiri began breaking of chunks of bread and eating them slowly, though he did not look his friend in the eye. "Now…why were ya so mad at me? I need ta know…"
"It wasn't anything you did, Tasuki. I was angry with myself. I couldn't stand the thought of hurting anyone. I'm very, very sorry I left you like that." The mage began, watching his friend's reaction carefully. He paused to take another bite of the delicious, fresh bread before continuing. It was the best thing he'd tasted in a long while and life-changing conversation or not, his body wanted to be fed.
"That's not an answer, dammit! Why the hell would ya be mad at yourself? It's not 'cause of the way I feel about ya, is it?" As always, the bandit's impatience had him rushing in headfirst, although Chichiri certainly wasn't in a position to criticize after the mistaken conclusions he had drawn upon seeing his friend talking to Seiku.
The mage swallowed his bite, and then smiled. The entire situation was fairly ironic. At some point, in the future, it would probably even seem funny. "No, Tasuki. I was angry with myself because I was jealous. I thought you and Seiku were…" Here he trailed off. His brief flash of amusement had faded. It had been even harder to tell Tasuki the truth than he'd expected.
Tasuki sat perfectly still, frozen in shock, mouth open. To see the redhead in such a state was a once-in-a-lifetime event. It reminded Chichiri of the strange thing called a camera that Miaka had brought from her world. He desperately wished he had one now. The combination of the silly idea and his friend's silence gave the mage the strength he needed to continue.
"I know now that I was wrong about that and I'm sorry. I should've listened to you when you stopped me in the hallway. I just couldn't get the image of him kissing you out of my head. I didn't think you'd ever want to kiss me again, after the other night.
"I was angry at myself for feeling that way. I should have learned my lesson."
Chichiri let out a sigh. Talking about his own feelings was acutely uncomfortable; he was accustomed to comforting others, not baring his own soul. And he wasn't quite finished yet.
By now, the redhead had recovered from his shock. He leapt up and raced to the edge of what had once been a deep quarry and pointed at it accusingly.
"You're tellin' me ya did all THIS because ya were jealous? Of ME?"
Chichiri blushed, mortified. "Yes."
"That's so fuckin' COOL!"
Before the monk could summon any kind of argument, he found his arms full of an excitable and very happy bandit.
"Does that mean?" Tasuki asked, his voice muffled against Chichiri's shoulder. It wasn't a full question but its meaning was clear.
"Yes, Tasuki, I love you too."
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~End Chapter 9