Summary: Harry reflects on his life and the slow process of depression he can't seem to keep himself from falling into... Sometimes happiness lies just beneath the surface waiting for you to dig it out.
Rated: PG for depressing themes.
A/N: It's mainly about Harry but there is some definite H/G-ness and a teensy bit H/Luna and well I just snuck in a MENTION of Ron and Hermione... just a mention. (Isn't Ron the greatest?)
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, places, or anything else that might appear in the Harry Potter books. This fic is based on a song (NOT A SONG FIC) written and recorded by John Mayer, I don't own that either, just the idea of combining the two.
Something's Missing
I'm not alone, but sometimes I wish I were. If I was alone all this would make sense. Why do you feel like dying Harry? Because I'm alone I have no friends, no girlfriend... But I do, I have both. And they love me, or at least I like to think that they do, if they didn't would they stand by me, and put their own lives in danger? I don't know.
I walk through hogsmeade alone. Where are you going Harry? Do you want company? No, I would rather you leave me the hell alone. And then I end up at Hogsmeade. Alone. I could be back at Hogwarts with Luna, my girlfriend, I could be helping Ron push Hermione in the lake, I could play chess with Ginny but I'm not, I'm here alone.
I'm dizzy from all the stores, what are you looking for Mr. Potter? Anything I can help you find? Happiness, could you help me find that? But how can someone else bring you happiness, it's not possible is it. No, that's something you have to find you yourself. So I search, I search to purchase happiness and instead buy it all, fame, friends, love, hurt, sorrow, pain, anger... But nothing seems to fill me, not anymore, I'm constantly wanting, thirsty for something else. Something else no one can seem to understand.
"Sometimes you have to drown before you can satisfy thirst," she had her head ducked, and all this long read hair had fallen into her face, as if hiding her, but her eyes peered through. Dark and full of stories she would never tell. Is it normal to feel guilty about just talking, talking to another girl? And she's been one of my friend's for six years now. I'm aloud to talk to her, but am I aloud to drown with her?
I don't talk to her much anymore.
Something's missing and I don't know how to fix it, don't even know if I want it fixed. What if I do get it fixed; what if I have everything I could ever want; what if everything was perfect, and what if I hated it? What if I'm unable to be happy like I used to be? What if happiness is something I grew out of? Something's missing.
There's a chill in the air, autumn. There's something about autumn, a feeling of regret seems to float amongst the leaves. It's so blatant, sweeping in without warning, you don't even notice it's there until that autumn chill wraps around your summer heart.
Maybe that's what I've lost, summer, heat, the sun; but have I ever really had the sun? Hasn't there always been a hollow a place where it seemed like my body just caved in. A hole, gap, valley, whatever you want to call it, it seems like it's always resided deep in my skin like a cancer settling and then growing larger and larger maybe someday it will totally consume me. Something's missing.
And how do I know that I wasn't the one to create the cancer. What if I'm a poison to myself, slowly wrapping the own noose around my own neck?
Sometimes I feel like I should be tested for insanity, you can't feel so alone when you're so surrounded unless your insane, can you?
"Harry?" I stare at her but I'm not sure if she's really there. Things don't just appear because you want them to, do they? Did I want her to appear?
"Hey Ginny, I thought you were doing homework today." I mumble she sighs and smiles slightly.
"I thought I was going to, too. But I needed to get out, I got this feeling..." She stops as if unsure, and then shakes her head and continues, "Sometimes I feel like I'm missing something, and I just want to go out and grab it... Does that make sense?"
"Yeah, yeah it does."
If you liked this fic, let me know!!! I love writing from Harry's point of view, he's such a deep character, any criticism is totally appreciated, and if you are dying to read more about depressed Harry my other fic "quiet" has the same feel to it as does "Walk on the Ocean"