Ok so here's a new story for all to read. I personally think it's going to be good, because I'm wicked excited to write it, and that doesn't happen very often. So basically it will be a Buffy/Spike fic. But there's going to be a lot of stuff going on at the same time. It will cross into Angel a bit, since that's where spike is. Just read and review and I'm sure the most of you will enjoy. Thanks.
February 25 '04
Dear Diary,
It's been so long since I've written anything in here. My last entry was more than a year ago, just after Tara died. But I promise myself to write in here as much as I can, if not every day. Dawn and I have finally settled into a new house. It's smaller than the last, since there's only the two of us living here now. Dawn is finishing her last year of high school at last. She's doing exceptionally well, and I'm so proud of her for pulling her life together even with all the stress and problems we have with being on our own. Money is hard to come by, but we're both working and as long as we manage to pay the bills than we're good.
Willow has left California. Last I heard from her she was in the southwestern states helping with covens. She has grown and matured so much since her powers blossomed. I think she's planning to leave to Europe soon. She told me she wanted to gain experience with people who practice the old magic that's been around for millenniums. Giles invited her over there too. He's back in England and says that there are tons of people that want to meet Willow. Apparently they could all feel her power riding through them on that night. I miss her so much. The house feels so empty without her cheer. I feel lost without Willow here. Even when she was all dark and stuff, she was like a rock for me to lean on. She took my side and supported my decisions. I feel selfish admitting all this. It's not like I need her powers to help me fight anything anymore, there's no hell mouth or rogue vampires attacking anyone. I just kind of feel like a lost puppy without her here.
As for Xander, well, I try to talk to him as much as I can. He lives just on the other side of town, and is working with a construction company. He works long hard hours in hopes to have his own construction company. His learnt to live life with his eye problem. I think the first few months were hard for him with Anya's death and all. He really did love her, more than any of us I think. I remember going to see him, and every day he would just sit on the couch and just watch television. There was nothing me or Dawn could really do to help him. In time he got over it, and now he's doing well, which is all that matters.
As for me, my life seems wasted. I feel like I'm hitting my midlife crisis at a very young age. Now that there's nothing left to kill or destroy my life as lost all purpose. When we first moved I went patrolling, but after almost three months of nothing I gave up. There's no need for a slayer anymore. At least not around here. There's no sense on moving to somewhere where my expertise are needed, because I'm no longer special, I'm no longer the one. I've unleashed the power of all potential slayers, and at the same time I put an end to the only life I even new. I don't regret doing what I did. There was no other way to save us. I guess I just wish there had been another way. Selfish? Extremely! I thought I always just wanted to be a normal girl and have a normal life, but here I have that and I'm more unhappy than I've ever been. I'm not really sure if it's just the slaying, or losing all my friends. Maybe it's both, maybe it's neither. Something is very wrong with me. There is a piece of me missing. A piece that I lost the night we destroyed the first. The only thing I've got left of my life is a punching bag, and trunk full of weapons.
These past months I've discovered that I don't do normal very well. I've had three jobs since we moved here, neither of them good or well paying. I need the money though. I want Dawn's life to be better than mine. She's going to university next year, and I want to be able to help her out as much as I can. The only way I can do that is with these stupid jobs. My social life is about as exciting as working. I hardly go out on the weekends, especially since I have no friends to go out with. Some guys have asked me out, and I've even gone on a few dates! Yet there's never anything there. It's like I would have to pretend to be some one different for them to like me, and I can't do that. I think I just heard Dawn come in the door. I'm going to hurry and finish this entry.
I wish I had someone here who understood me. I mean all of me. Everything I've gone through, all the pain and suffering. Someone who knows what it's like to die and still be alive. I wish there was someone who knows what it's like to lose everything they ever knew.
I wish Spike were here.