Wow I've been a long time coming with this chapter!!! Thousands of apologies. And to make things worse this chapter is ridiculously short! I know what I want to happen in a few chapters, but I need to work my way there. I think I'll be writing faster now. This chapter just wasn't working for me, and I needed to add another blurp about buffy and what she's doing. Holy shit I'm so sorry for lacking these days!! I cant believe how short this is!! Unreal! Please review any ways. I'm sorry!!!!!!!!
THANKS TO EVERY ONE WHO HAS ALREADY REVIEWED. IF YOU HAVE IDEAS PLEASE LEAVE THEM IN THE REVIEW. MUCH THANKS LOVE YOU ALL!!!
Dear Diary,
Dawn is doing so well at university. I get a letter from her almost once a week. She says life there is so different than what she's used to. I bet she loves every minute of it.
I remember what university life was like. No parents, no restrictions, dorm rooms, the good life. Those years spend in university are truly the best time of your life. I wish
I could have stayed longer. I'm happy she's enjoying herself. Dawn is finally getting everything I wanted for her, and everything I was not fortunate enough to have. The
one person I haven't heard from in a while is Willow. Last time she sent me a letter she was in Ireland. I'd like to get an update on what she's doing, and maybe see if she
knows how Giles is doing. I want to hear more about her life. It seems to add a spark to my dull monotone routing.
I've decided that I need to escape the small town scene. It's driving me crazy. I was thinking about going to Los Angeles, but then I'd be faced with Angel. I'm not
sure I'm ready to relight that flame. Perhaps I'll head out to San Francisco. It's a big city, full of life and things to do. Maybe even some vampire to slay. Although I'm
not the slayer any more. Even thinking about slaying is useless. I'm never going to get it back and I just have to accept it! It's so hard. It's like a way of life. How can
you go about changing your entire life? God knows I've tried desperately to accept what I have and to get over what I've lost. I can't do it! I'll I'm doing is becoming
more depressed. I feel more and more useless everyday. I'm just taking up space and wasting oxygen. I want it back. I want everything back. I want vampires, and
apocalypses, and a hellmouth...and...and...and I want Spike! Oh god…Spike! I can't…
Buffy shut her diary. She leaned back in her chair feeling the tears sting her eyes. Her lips started to tremble, and slowly her entire body started to shake. Her teeth clenched
together, she tried to fight back all the pain, all the frustration. She tried to shove it down and bottle it back up. She fought with every part of her body, until she finally couldn't hold it
down. Buffy opened her mouth and screamed as loud and as long as she could. She screamed as if she where trying to let loose all her pain through her mouth. Buffy curled her legs
up to her chest, wrapping her arms around herself. She held herself tight, rocking back and forth in the chair. Remembering the touch, the smell, the sound, the everything that Spike
was. How has she managed to go so long without him? Every day she felt closer and closer to death.
Buffy pushed the chair back and tried to stand up. Her face was stained in tears that were turned black from mascara. She took a step away from the desk and felt her knees
give out. Her knees hit the floor, and she laid there sobbing. Her fingers gripped the wooden floor boards, as if she were trying to push right through them. Her entire body heaved
with each gasp, and scream. How could she feel so much for this man? He'd tried to rape, he'd tried to kill her, tried to hurt those she held closest. This man who affected her thoughts,
her actions, her emotions, even her sense of judgment! He undid her completely, left her vulnerable. Now Buffy was completely alone. There was no one left in her life. Her family, her
friends, her Spike, they were all gone from her.
Getting up on one knee Buffy managed to push herself to her hands and knees. She crawled her way over to the huge trunk that held all of her old weapons. Opening it, she
reached in and grabbed one of her favorite weapons, an eight inch dagger. She pushed herself to her feet and turned to face the mirror. Her hair was messed, and her face was red
and puffed from crying. She stared at herself holding the knife in her hand. It was a sight she had seen so many times; it wasn't unusual or unfamiliar to her. The knife was comfortable
to hold, it was the perfect fit for her small hands. She looked at herself and never imagined she would hold this dagger with the thought that was running through her mind.