Shinra, the one with the ball
by Aerith & Missy
[author's note: Nope, we don't own Final Fantasy vii.]

Reno: Fine fatass lets pick out of a hat to see who goes with Elena!!!!

Tseng: FINE!!!! Fat ass.....? (Looks at his ass in the mirror - Hojo's voice is heard throughout the room)

Hojo: Highly unlikely....

(Reno runs off and then 5 minutes later he comes back with two shreds of paper, and a little sailor hat.)

Reno: I already wrote our names, so all we have to do now is pick... let's get Elena to pick.

(Reno runs off and gets Elena)

Elena: Reno what the hell!!!!

Reno: Pick out of the hat!!!

Elena: Why?

Reno: JUST DO IT!!!!!

Rude: (Who just walked in) heh heh heh....Nike....

[author's note: Yes, wonderful Nike and all of their sweatshops...]

(Elena reaches into the queer little sailor hat and takes out a piece of paper and reads it to herself)

Reno: WHAT DOES IT SAY?!?!

Elena: What is this for?

Rude: Yeah...whats going on?

Tseng: Rufus is having a company ball... Reno and myself both want to go with Elena. So we decided the only way to solve this without beating the shit out of each other, is to have Elena pick one of our names out of a hat.

Rude: Who's queer sailor hat is that anyway?

Reno: uh... Elena what does it say?!?!

Elena: I guess I'm going with you... Reno.

Reno: YES!!!! YES!!!!! YES!!!!! HA, HA, HA!!!!! TSENG HAHAHA!!!! YOUR NOT GOING WITH ELENA!!!!!!

Tseng: Jerk... The next time we're alone your gonna get you sorry ass kicked.

Reno: (Gulp)

-- Rufus' office --

Scarlet: I was just looking at the list of people your inviting and I noticed your inviting Cloud and all his friends... why?

Rufus: If we didn't invite them they would have just come and wreck things so this way we can be prepared.

Scarlet: You invited Sephiroth too?

Rufus: Yes.

Scarlet: but he's dangerous...

Rufus: I know. I have a plan though... as soon as he comes in the door we'll all start chanting, CHUG, CHUG, CHUG… And well, he'll chug until he's so drunk he doesn't know what's what.... Good plan huh?

Scarlet: Uh... yes sir…

-- At Clouds villa --

Cloud: What the hell!!!!!!

Cid: SHIT!!!!! What?

Cloud: We're invited to the ShinRa company ball... It's gotta be a trap.

Vincent: Do we need to dress up? Hey let me read that. )Cloud hands Vincent the invitation. Everyone sits on the floor in front of him. "Story-time" style) It says...

You're invited to
The first annual Shinra Company Ball!
Please dress up cause we don't want you smelling up the ball room
Thanks Much!
-- Rufus Shinra

Vincent: Well... we better go shopping...

-- Sephiroth's cave --

Sephy: (Looking through his mail) Bill, porn mag..... invitation to ShinRa ball... I better go get a tux!!!!!!!!

-- Rufus office --

Rufus: (Looking at himself in the mirror) Yeah I look great!!! (Someone comes in behind him)

????: How do I look?

Rufus: Uh.... you're coming to the ball?

Hojo: Well of course.

Rufus: (Sweat drop) Uh...uh.....yeah you...look..... (he looks at Hojo who is wearing what he usually does) Hey, aren't you dead?

Hojo: I guess not...

Rufus: I don't like you. Go away you freaky shit head!

Hojo: Sniffles Okay....I guess I'm not loved here...

Elena: (Who just walked in) You're not loved anywhere.

(Hojo runs to his lab crying)

-- Wal Market- At a tuxedo and dress shop --

Sephy: Oh I like this one!!!!

Cloud: Sephiroth what the hell are you doing here?

Sephy: Buying a tux.

Cloud: ME TOO!! Lets get matching ones!!!!

Sephy: Yeah!!! (Cloud and Sephiroth run off)

Vincent: Oh I like this one!!!! (He picks up a suit that is just like a Turk suit) I'm going to try it on!!!

Cid: Oh isn't this a fun experience... I'm about to burst with joy.

Barret: Yeah, me too!!!!

Cid: I was being sarcastic... Oh this ones good and plan. (He holds up a plan black tux)

Barret: Hey foo' lighten up. (Holds up a frilly pink suit) Just my size too....

Cid: I'm not in the mood to be happy right now.

Barret: Why the hell not foo'?

Cid: Why the hell do you always say "foo"?

Barret: Cuz I like to say foo'. You foo'.

Cid: Well, no use trying to talk to you....

Vincent: (Comes out with the Turk suit on) I look good.

Cid: Yeah, not bad.

Barret: Blue brings out the redness in your eyes.

Vincent: Barret, my eyes are red.

Barret: Oh. Silly me, I guess I never noticed before.

Vincent: What's wrong with you Barret?

Barret: I don't know somethin be wrong with me. I don't think I'm gonna go.

Cid: YESSSSSSS!!!!

Barret: When I feel better your gonna get your ass kicked.

Cid: Sure.

Barret: You want to make a bet butt-pipe?

Cid: Not really last time I did that I lost all my money and, I got the shit kicked out of me... by Aeris.

Vincent: Aeris beat the shit out of you?

Cid: Yeah....

Vincent: I didn't think Aeris was the kick ass bettin' kind of type.

Cid: Guess again.

-- Turks lounge --

Rude: Hey! Give me your honest opinion, how do I look?

Tseng: You look how you usually do.

Rude: Is that good or bad?

Tseng: Good I guess. I can't believe Rufus is still making us wear these suits to the ball.

Rude: It's not fair that Elena is the only one that can wear something different today.

Tseng: Hey, whom are you going with to the ball?

Rude: Hee, hee... myself. I don't want to go I'd rather go to a bar and get drunk... But Rufus is making me go.

Rufus: That's right! We're gonna have a camera crew and everything... So everything has to go good. All my employees have to be there too.

Rude: Damn.

(Elena comes in with a long blue silky dress on. The guy's jaws drop.)

Tseng & Rufus: F- you Reno.

Hojo: Oh my.

Rude: Were the hell did you come from?

Hojo: I don't know the author keeps on putting me in the story.

Reeve: How come I'm not in the story.

Rufus: 'Cause she hasn't gotten to your part yet.

Reeve: Oh.

Hojo: Can I go now I was in the middle of an experiment?

(A demonic looking chocobo with two asses runs in and starting biting Hojo's neck. Hojo gets up after the chocobo runs off)

Hojo: So much for the two assed vampire chocobo. (His neck starts spurting blood and bleeding badly)

Rude: Maybe you should have a doctor look at that.

Hojo: No, I'm o- (He collapses on the floor from blood loss)

Tseng: Where's Reno?

(They all look around)

Elena: Huh.... I wonder were he went.

Tseng: Who cares Elena, guess your coming with me to the ball.

Elena: ……

Rufus: Since everyone's ready we better go.

Elena: What about Reno?

Tseng: What about Reno?

Elena: I just want to-

Tseng: SHHHHHH! We gotta go!

(As they're leaving the room they all step on Hojo. Hojo wakes up)

Hojo: Where did everybody go? Am I dead?

Palmer: NO!!!!! Everyone already left.

Hojo: Oh silly me.

Palmer: TRA, LA, LA LA, LA!!!! I'm hungry if I don't eat every 3 minutes I could die! (Palmer skips off)

Hojo: Hmmmm (Takes out a notepad and starts jotting stuff down) Note to self: If Palmer doesn't eat every 3 minutes he could possibly die. Hee, hee, hee…

-- On the Highwind --

Vincent: Has anyone seen Cloud?

Cid: Damn.

Vincent: What was that for?

Cid: I think we left Cloud at his Villa.

Vincent: Oops... heh.

Nanaki: Heh... this thing's going up my butt, it's slightly uncomfortable.

Vincent: Looks at Nanaki with a child's' tux on...Yup.

Tifa: Oh no! Look!! (points up to the sky)

(Everyone looks up to the dark, starry sky, where Cloud is standing on Sephy's lap, and Seph is riding a unicycle.)

Cloud: (Yelling... obviously) Hey!! Guys!! It's a circus act!!!

Sephy: Look!! We even have matching tuxes!!

Everyone: (sweat drop)

Cloud: Good bye, my friend.

Sephy: My greatest respects to you Cloud. (Cloud jumps into the Highwind)

[author's note: Yes we realize this has nothing to do with anything, and makes absolutely no sense. We wrote this loooong time ago!]

Cloud: Look!! Down there!! That's where the Ball is!!

-- In the Ball Room --

Rufus: I want you all to be on your best behaviors, if you aren't, you will die.

Reno: He sounds serious.

Elena: Oh, there you are.

Tseng: Damn, Rude, let's go to the bar.

Rude: Okay.

-- At the Bar --

Rude: Hey!! It's Sephy!!

Sephy: Gimmie' something hard.

Tseng: Sounds depressed.

Sephy: I miss mommy.

Tseng: Don't we all.

Rude: Hey!!!! I printed this thing off the Internet, and so let's go to the bathroom!!

Tseng: Wha?

Rude: I printed this thing off of the Internet where there's things you can say pretending you're taking a dump...it's funny.

Tseng: Let's go!!

Sephy: Huh?... Explain this to me again.

Rude: Just read this out loud in the bathroom. (He hands Tseng and Sephy two pieces of paper)

-- Meanwhile --

Rufus: When is that friggin camera crew going to get here.

Scarlet: Sir!!!! The camera crew is here!!!

Reporter: I prefer to be called a reporter.

Rufus: Oh well.... Everyone's here so I guess you can start filming.

Reporter: Ok just look straight ahead at your cue cards. Reno is holding them. Ok?

Rufus: OK.

Reporter: and 5,4,3,2,1. ACTION!!!!!

Reporter: Hello and welcome to live coverage of the first annual ShinRa company ball. Oh, and here comes President Rufus now. Excuse me Mr. President, what is your reason for having this Ball in the first place?

Rufus: (Reading off of cue cards) Hi... As... you... know, ...I am Pr-... esident ... uh ... Reno! YOU SPELLED MY NAME WRONG!!!

Reno: Oops. Heh.

Reporter: Crap .... let's take a commercial break......heh, here's a NEW commercial for none other than..... Rufus-O's!!

[author's note: Mmmm, Rufus-O's!!]