Otherworld
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Genre: Drama/Romance
Classification: Epic
Rating: R
Pairings: Zell x Quistis, Zell x Squall
Warnings: AU, Alcohol Use, Drug Use, Language, Lemon
Disclaimer: The Final Fantasy VIII franchise is owned by Squaresoft
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AU. Zell is the lead singer for a rock band, but what happens when he becomes torn between the booze, the drugs, his bassist, and his drummer? [Zell x Quistis, Zell x Squall]
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Author's Notes: Hello? Is anybody out there? I'm terribly sorry about everything. I know it's inexcusable to take such a ridiculously long time updating, but I have my reasons. First, my girlfriend was recovering from her recent car accident. She had to get an operation and it would take up to four months for her to recover fully. We decided it would be best that I don't hang around her too much so she could concentrate on the therapy. After all, me being around would just be painful to both of us. And during those four months, she sure did recover. She recovered fully, good for her. But during those four months, she was cheating on me. And she had the nerve to take a picture of it and send it to me. And it was very painful. Very heart wrenching. I'd been with her for a year. I was going to ask her to marry me. It was very hard to swallow down. Regardless, here I am. Just a sixteen year old dude getting over heartbreak. If this chapter seems more dramatic than some of the others, I'm sorry. Maybe it'll be a good thing. Anyway, I apologize humbly for the long break. But I needed it. And here's Chapter Eight. It's been a long time since I've written on this story, but I hope you will still enjoy it.
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Ch. 08
And I'm So Sad
[Zell's P.O.V.]
What the fuck were you thinking, Dincht? Are you a faggot? Did you like it? Of course you did. You're fucking disgusting. You know that, right? You're fucking disgusting.
I just lied there, staring at the ceiling. Squall was sleeping next to me, his chest heaving lightly with his soft breaths. I sat up, rubbing my forehead. And I just sat there, with my knees to my chest, rubbing my forehead.
I was a rock star. This was me. This was my life. The booze. The drugs. The sex. This was all it was. This was everything. I woke up everyday to this. And right then, everything felt so shallow. Like there weren't enough platinum albums. Like there aren't enough sold out shows. Like there weren't enough ecstatic fans. No matter what I told myself, everything still felt shallow. And I cried.
Through my tearstained eyes, I looked at my wall. My wall of posters of everybody who ever inspired me. The Beatles. The Rolling Stones. Tori Amos. Led Zeppelin. Jimi Hendrix. Bjork. Pink Floyd. Lynyrd Skynyrd. Bon Jovi. Chevelle. The Red Hot Chili Peppers. Type O Negative. Elvis Presley. Lisa Marie Presley.
I guess I was looking for an answer. But none of them ever gave me one. With tears streaming down my face, I got out of bed. I walked out to the balcony. I closed the door softly behind me, not wanting to wake Squall up.
The cold night air instantly hit me, sending chills up my spine. I walked, barefoot, across the cold cement over to the railing. I leaned against it, looking out at the night sky.
There were so many stars out that night. There were so many stars, but not enough sky. There just wasn't enough sky. And I couldn't sort anything out in my head. I was a fucking mess.
"What the fuck is wrong with me?" I whispered, wrapping my arms around my chest. "This isn't the real me. I'm a happy guy. I'm never sad. This just doesn't feel like me. I don't even trust myself anymore."
Everything was fucked up. I couldn't deny that. I was lonely. Fucking around with two people might be fun for a while, but it just ends up hurting someone in the end. And all this time, I thought it was going to be Squall or Quistis who got hurt. But that's not how it was. I was the one who ended up getting hurt. I just couldn't choose. And it wasn't my place to. I couldn't bare the thought of hurting either one of them. It was tearing me up inside.
Was anything really worth it? Did I really enjoy waking up in the morning? Was I really happy with my life? Did I really want to see what tomorrow brings?
…No.
And I knew what I meant then. And I knew what had to be done.
I walked back inside, once again closing the door gently. I walked slowly, quietly, careful not to wake Squall up. Then I walked down the hallway and into the living room. I put in a certain CD in the stereo. Then I selected the song that had played on the radio when Quistis and I shared our first kiss. I smiled vaguely at the wonderful memory. I put the song on repeat, wanting it to be the last thing I ever heard. Wanting that wonderful memory to be the last thing in my mind when I. When I had to go. I put the song on repeat, folded my arms across my stomach, and walked into the bathroom.
I turned the light on and instantly regretted it. I squinted, amazed at how bright the light was. After adjusting my sight I walked over to the sink, staring at my reflection in the mirror.
"Damn," I muttered. "I look like shit."
And it was true. My hair was a mess. My eyes were red. My body was cold. I tried to smile, just one last time. But I couldn't even do that. And that sucked, because I wanted to see my smile once more before I did it, but I guess it's okay. It's not like it'll change anything.
I opened the medicine cabinet, knocking everything into the sink. And I had to laugh. It was ridiculous. But this is how it had to be. And I knew that.
I started taking pills. All kinds of pills. Prescriptions. Antibiotics. Pain relievers. Everything. The faucet was still running when I fell, hitting my head on the sink on my way down.
It hurt a little, but was probably worse than it felt. Because when I landed, I could see blood on the floor. My blood. And I just laid there. Crying. Bleeding. With more than thirty different pills in my stomach, I laid there. And I felt so pathetic.
I could hear the song from the living room. I listened to the words. I remembered that night. We were both fifteen. Sitting on my bed, half studying for an upcoming chemistry exam. And I'd kissed her. And I'd meant it. And if I could kiss her once more tonight, I'd mean it now.
But I don't have the strength. I was still crying. And I was definitely still bleeding. And my stomach hurt really badly. I coughed, my body convulsing. And I spit up blood, causing my stomach to contort in disgust. I gave out a little yelp of pain, holding myself tightly. And I cried even harder. My eyelids were getting heavy. And I knew this was it. I hugged myself, whispering Quistis' name. Squall's name. And then I remembered my disgust. My shame. I tried to keep my eyes from closing on me. Because I knew once they closed, they wouldn't open again. That would be the end for me. But my eyelids were way too heavy. And with a weak sigh of sadness, I gave into reality. My eyes closed. And everything went black.
"I heard broken footsteps. Was that you limping? Well, I wish that I had spent just a little bit more time with you. Tears on my ceiling. Weren't you watching? Well, I guess none of us will ever know what comes after this. You're still lovely. You were lovely then. All that you had to endure, I guess nobody noticed it. I know your resemblance. It's out there walking. And I wanted you to know that I haven't forgotten. When they tried to make you look broken. But not while I'm living. 'Cause I wanted you to know that I heard what you said when it was raining. You're still lovely. You were lovely then. All that you had to endure, I guess nobody noticed it. You made me. And I love you. And did you know nothing has changed? And now everyone, they notice it. Everyone notices."
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[Quistis' P.O.V.]
I'd had a great time at the club tonight. But it felt a little awkward. After all, Squall, Zell, and I were a team. It was strange for me to go out without either of them. Regardless, what was done was done. And I was on my way back home. I looked at the little radio clock, surprised that it was already three in the morning. It didn't feel that late.
"Quistis?"
"Yes?"
I looked over, offering Xu a small smile. She glanced at me for a second, smiling, only to look back at the road.
"You're awfully quiet tonight," she said. "Is something wrong?"
"No, I guess not," I replied. "It just felt strange going out without Squall or Zell, that's all."
"Oh, I see. Well, that's understandable. But don't worry. We'll be home in just a few minutes."
"Yes."
And I looked out the window, watching the blackness as we moved along. Something really didn't feel right. Was it really just the fact that neither Squall nor Zell came with us tonight? I wasn't sure. But I felt kind of sad, all of the sudden. I let out a soft sigh.
The little white lines on the side of the road went on and on. Forever. Always the same. Never fine. Never change. What kind of an existence would that be? To never. To never really be yourself. I stared at them from the passenger side window, feeling sorry for an inanimate object. Luckily Xu didn't notice, because I didn't know what I'd tell her if she caught me thinking up such silly things.
To never. To never really be yourself. Is that my life? Am I just like those white lines? Is that me down there, not being the real me? What kind of life am I living? Am I really content? Can I actually say that I don't have any regrets? Is everything going well for me? I didn't even know anymore. I felt weird that night. And I couldn't really blame it on Squall and Zell. It was all in me. It was definitely my fault.
And for the rest of the ride back home, I just sat there, watching the white lines show us the way.
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[Quistis' P.O.V.]
"You're still lovely. You were lovely then. All that you had to endure, I guess nobody noticed it. You made me. And I love you. And did you know nothing has changed? And now everyone, they notice it. Everyone notices."
Bittersweet memories of a certain first kiss came into my mind. Why was the stereo on at this hour? And of all songs, why was that song playing? Something didn't feel right.
"What's the stereo on for?" Xu inquired as she shut the door behind us.
"I don't know," I admitted. "Squall or Zell probably forgot that it was on. But I'll turn it off. We need to get to sleep. It's late."
"Yes," Xu agreed. "See you in the morning."
"See you then."
And with that, Xu walked down the hall and into her room. And I walked in the opposite direction, intend
"Goodnight," Xu said, smiling at me before she headed off to her room.
"Goodnight," I said.
And then I walked over to the stereo, turning it off. I turned around and could see that the bathroom light was on. I walked into the bathroom, intent on just turning the light off, but stopped dead in my tracks when I saw what was in there. Zell, lying on his side, a cut on his temple, with a pool of blood around his head, the faucet water running, and countless bottles of medicine lying in the sink.
I gave out a bloodcurdling scream, a thousand emotions raging within me. I ran over to Zell's body, holding him up, cradling him in my arms. I placed two fingers below his ear, noticing that his pulse was extremely weak.
"Oh, Hyne!" I cried. "Oh, Hyne! Xu! Squall! Somebody, call 911! Zell tried to kill himself!"
I didn't pay much attention to Xu or Squall as they fumbled about. Calling 911. Turning off the water. Cleaning up Zell's blood. I just sat there, holding Zell in my arms.
"Zell," I whispered, my tears falling onto his beautiful face. "Zell, I'm so sorry. Please. Please, stay with me. Zell, please."
"Quistis," he said softly, smiling sadly up at me. "Our song. I had our song on. Earlier. I guess it got turned off."
"Zell, I'm so sorry. Why did you do this? Why did you try to kill yourself?"
"I got sad."
"Zell. Oh, Zell. I love you."
And then he fainted, once again, in my arms.
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[Squall's P.O.V.]
The blame was all on me. I couldn't wash it off. I'd washed my hands fifteen fucking times tonight, and it was still all there. If only I wouldn't have fallen asleep. If only I wouldn't have fallen asleep, I could've stopped him. And we wouldn't be in this predicament. We wouldn't be in this situation that we've all grown way too accustomed to.
I folded my arms across my chest, watching Zell's chest heave up and down from under the thin hospital blankets. The doctors had already pumped his stomach. There would be minimal scarring, but with today's technology, the scars would fade within a few days.
"Now," the doctor said, ushering Quistis and I to the door. "Let's let him rest. He's gone through allot."
"Yeah," I muttered, stepping out first.
"It's tricky," the doctor began, holding his clipboard to his chest. "We'll have to let him answer a few questions tomorrow. We'll detect how serious his depression is, and if it's very serious, we'll have to send him to Suicide Watch."
"What?" I whispered, not believing what I was hearing. "What the hell do you mean? Zell has depression? No, you can't say that. Just one time. You know, just one time doesn't make him depressed. It's the first fucking time!"
"Do you want to sit and wait around for a second time?" he asked.
I shut my mouth.
"It's going to be fine. Your friend will be okay. We'll ask him some questions tomorrow, see how it goes. If all goes well, we'll put him on some medication and have him stay here for a day or two. If it's serious, we'll send him to Suicide Watch."
"What do they do, exactly, in Suicide Watch?" Quistis asked.
"They have an interchangeable all day, all morning staff that will constantly watch suicidal patients. They try different, more potent medications for the more serious cases. But they'll usually only be there for a few days until they find a medication that does the job. The longest I've ever seen a patient stay at Suicide Watch is three weeks."
"Just the thought of that place sounds scary," Quistis murmured. "But I guess that's what'll have to happen if Zell really wants to kill himself. I had no idea."
"Yes," the doctor said. "Well, we'll see. You two should get some rest. It's almost dawn. Come back in the morning, I'm sure your friend will be awake by then."
"No," I said.
"What?"
"I said, 'No.' We need to be there when he wakes up."
"What do you mean? Why?"
"If we aren't there when he wakes up, he'll probably be very scared. After all, he just tried to kill himself tonight. But if we, his friends, are there, he might feel at least a little better."
"Hmm. I'm not sure."
"Please?" Quistis chimed in. "It's a simple request. We won't disturb him, I promise."
"Well, fine," the doctor said. "But if any nurses report strange behavior coming from that room, I'll be sure to contact the authorities."
"Yeah, yeah," I said.
And with that, Quistis and I walked back into Zell's room, the doctor watching our every move. Then we shut the door behind us.
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[Squall's P.O.V.]
"I'm so scared for him," I whispered, sitting on the couch, holding my knees to my chest. "And I'm guilty, huh? If I would've been awake, I could've stopped him.
"No," Quistis said quietly, curling up in the easy chair. "Don't say that, Squall. It isn't your fault. Zell wanted to do it, so he did. Now we just have to find a way to prevent him from ever wanting to do that again. If you're going to be blaming yourself, I might as well blame myself for going out tonight. It's really nobody's fault."
"I guess you're right. Well, all we can do is hope for the best. I hope everything will be better in the morning."
"Me too. Goodnight, Squall."
"Goodnight, Quistis."
And after a few moments, and a few quiet tears, I fell asleep.
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Author's Notes
Isn't it funny how my chapters just keep getting shorter and shorter? I'm sorry about that. Anyway, it's been a very long time. And I know this is an extremely lame chapter, especially after such a long break. But it'll have to do for now. I'm very sorry. I hope there are still people who actual read this piece of shit story of mine. Okay, sorry about all my melodrama. I'm still kind of venting because of that bitchy ex girlfriend of mine. Anyway, please review.