This is my first fanfic and im hoping to get good feedback. By good
feedback I mean comments, compliments and criticism.. Flame the heck
out of if you want I dont care.
Jim Raynor: Terran Recruit
by: Seth Enjore
A Loud static alerts everyone in the bunker. Some people who had just fell asleep are now wide awake. It is still early so none of them are angered by there somber's interruption.
"Damnit Jimmy are you still workin' with that confounded camera!?" Becky yelled. many other marines all cried in unison with there signs of agreement with the tough, young woman with battle scarred face and a rough figure. "Almost got it workin' and ima bout to start recordin my jerney to become a high rankin' genral" the young Jim Raynor replied.
A screen flickers and then a screen pops up that shows Jim his reflection. He starts talking to the screen and then is interrupted by a comment.
"Ha! You!? a general!? dont make me laugh!" shot Jim's best friend Guy, who is two years older than he and in a different flight. He is a firebat, one of the pyromaniacs given a flamethrower and sent into war. He looks at the screen and starts talking to it. "If this man becomes a general then I will get his name tattooed on my back!" he tells the reflection.
"Har Har," Jim starts, "I guess this is all some big joke to yall, but I'm dead serious bout this thing. If I die in battle I want this sent home to my mom and dad back on Earth." Jim rewinds the recorder and starts it over.
I'm James Raynor, mah friends call meh Jimmy, Im seventeen years old and Im currently a private in the Terran Army. We are currently being sent to a planet called Garian IV and are going to be sent out to a small military establishment. My best friend is Guy Montag, and a helluva friend he is!
Jim stops the tape and puts the whole recorder into his duffel bag and stores it under his bunk. Little does he know that this is the start of a long adventure that he will never forget!
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I thought it was pretty good for a first chapter. A nice introduction to leave you wondering whats gonna happen to him. Again, tell me what ya think. If your wondering why many things are mispelled than i have one thing to say "Its called a dialect" I used it like Mark Twain did in Huck Finn. If you dont like it, Flame Away.
Jim Raynor: Terran Recruit
by: Seth Enjore
A Loud static alerts everyone in the bunker. Some people who had just fell asleep are now wide awake. It is still early so none of them are angered by there somber's interruption.
"Damnit Jimmy are you still workin' with that confounded camera!?" Becky yelled. many other marines all cried in unison with there signs of agreement with the tough, young woman with battle scarred face and a rough figure. "Almost got it workin' and ima bout to start recordin my jerney to become a high rankin' genral" the young Jim Raynor replied.
A screen flickers and then a screen pops up that shows Jim his reflection. He starts talking to the screen and then is interrupted by a comment.
"Ha! You!? a general!? dont make me laugh!" shot Jim's best friend Guy, who is two years older than he and in a different flight. He is a firebat, one of the pyromaniacs given a flamethrower and sent into war. He looks at the screen and starts talking to it. "If this man becomes a general then I will get his name tattooed on my back!" he tells the reflection.
"Har Har," Jim starts, "I guess this is all some big joke to yall, but I'm dead serious bout this thing. If I die in battle I want this sent home to my mom and dad back on Earth." Jim rewinds the recorder and starts it over.
I'm James Raynor, mah friends call meh Jimmy, Im seventeen years old and Im currently a private in the Terran Army. We are currently being sent to a planet called Garian IV and are going to be sent out to a small military establishment. My best friend is Guy Montag, and a helluva friend he is!
Jim stops the tape and puts the whole recorder into his duffel bag and stores it under his bunk. Little does he know that this is the start of a long adventure that he will never forget!
----------------------------------------
I thought it was pretty good for a first chapter. A nice introduction to leave you wondering whats gonna happen to him. Again, tell me what ya think. If your wondering why many things are mispelled than i have one thing to say "Its called a dialect" I used it like Mark Twain did in Huck Finn. If you dont like it, Flame Away.