Solace curled up on the tiny mattress, closed her eyes, and wept.
At first it was just a trickle of tears, lying on her back and staring at the ceiling and feeling the moisture slowly slide down her face. Her thoughts spun in her head, out of control, crazy. It was absolutely ridiculous. When she'd arranged that last meeting she'd had a perfectly clear knowledge of what she was going to do, what she wanted to do. It had all been so decisive, so correct. She had known exactly what to say, because she had known that it had to be the way she had decided, and nothing else could come to pass. At least, that's what she'd thought at the time. But now it just wasn't as certain as it had been, and she was so confused.
She drew her knees up in tighter, closer to her chest. If she had been plugged in, he probably would have been there. He would have tried to find some sort of comforting words, dried her tears, held her close. Which was ironic... out here in the so-called real world, she couldn't let anyone know what was going on, and it was all cold steel and dank mattresses. Not very comforting.
But then, what was the difference? Why should a collection of electrical impulses and data packets be more comforting than steel, than cotton, than real people? She didn't know. It seemed almost unreasonable that she had ... or thought she had... so deep a connection with a computer program when she hadn't managed to make any such connection with a live human being. Was she somehow deficient? Lacking? Was there something missing in her that made her incapable of relating to humans? Maybe she should have stayed plugged in, a mockery of human flesh and more like a collection of code than anything physical and chemical. Maybe she wasn't a proper woman at all, but a sexless creature raised to be a woman but without the right impulses and responses. She sat up, staring down at her body and wondering which part had betrayed her. This just wasn't right. None of it was right. None of it should be happening, and she didn't understand what was happening to her.
The knock on the door made her jump and screech. By the time her heart rate had returned to normal the person had already announced himself. "Hey Sol, it's Neo... are you okay in there?"
She wiped her eyes and sat up, pulling herself together as much as she could. "Fine..." her voice was cracking. That wouldn't do. "I'm fine. Don't worry about it."
There was a long pause. She didn't hear his footsteps fading; clearly, he wasn't buying today. "Can I come in?"
"Sure..."
The door opened. Neo hadn't quite yet gotten his full growth of hair, and it still resembled peach fuzz more than an actual do. He was rather cute, though, even with the plugs. She smiled weakly as he walked in and sat down next to her.
"You look like crap."
"Thanks."
They shared a wry grin. "You didn't come to dinner, we figured something might be wrong. I know the single-cell isn't that good, but..."
She chuckled, but without much enthusiasm. "Wasn't hungry."
He looked at her, dark eyes meeting her pale, bi-colored stare. He still wasn't buying, and she looked away before he did. "Sol, I've been around you long enough to know you better than that. You're the only one of us who can actually stomach that single-cell crap, and I still don't know how you do it. You wouldn't come to dinner just because you couldn't slurp down the snot."
She giggled a bit, pulling her knees up to her chest again. "Seriously, I wasn't hungry. Figured I'd get a nap in before my shift."
"Tank says you've stopped pulling extra duties."
Her face went blank. "Caught."
"Come on, Sol. What's up?"
She took a deep breath. Tried to figure out some way to pose the question that wouldn't cause undue suspicion. Something that wouldn't alert even Neo to her current state, although he was usually oblivious to emotions unless the person came out and told him. Typical male. Not that she wasn't fond of him. "I've been wondering..."
He waited for her to continue. When she didn't, he reached around her and pulled the blanket up and around her shoulders, rubbing them gently. It was the contact she had been craving, if not the person she wanted it from, and it was reassuring. "You've been wondering... what?"
"Is there..." she swallowed. Harder than she thought. "Is there something wrong with me?"
"Wrong with you... how?"
"With my emotions... like I'm... broken."
He stared at her for so long that she started to think he didn't understand. Then he leaned back the short distance against the wall, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and pulling her gently against him. "What makes you think that?"
"I don't know..." she started to relax, with her cheek pressed against his chest and her short hair tickling his chin. "Just... stuff that's been happening lately."
"Has Dis been after you again?" Neo asked, sharp concern laced all through his voice.
"No... no, for once, Dis has been perfectly reasonable and stayed the hell out of my way." Solace shook her head wryly. Dis, the latest member of the Neb crew, wasn't easy to work with for the female contingent. Trinity he had finally accepted as out of his reach, with her too-obvious involvement with Neo. Solace, however, had remained a mystery and a constant annoyance to him, and he made it known to everyone on the ship, at great length.
"Then what's up?"
She sighed. She was going to have to tell him, or he'd think it was Dis' fault. "There's..." How the hell did she explain this? "This guy..."
Solace braced herself for the expected 'a-ha!' Mercifully, though, Neo remained silent. He waited for her to continue, and prompted her when she didn't. "Is he nice?"
"He's an absolute pill," she said with feeling, then laughed. "He's nice... very nice, in his own way. Reclusive... we met up on my last assignment... at the very beginning, months ago. Things just sort of... got out of hand."
Pause. "How far out of hand?"
"Well, not that far... I didn't sleep with him if that's what you're asking. But ... well, he knows I have feelings for him now. At least, I think I do."
"And you're thinking that because you don't want to get involved with anyone who isn't unplugged, that you don't have any real emotions for real people?" Her breath hissed out between her teeth. Neo was sharper than he looked... sharp enough to cut them both, if she wasn't careful.
"Something like that."
"Sol, you should know as well as I do that that's complete bullshit. Just because you fell for someone who was still plugged in doesn't make them any less human. It just ... makes things difficult, that's all." He shifted position and looked down at her as she made hedging noises. "That's not all?"
"Not quite..." He wasn't going to understand unless she told him. He wasn't going to understand if she told him. She'd gotten herself into a completely untenable situation. Dammit. "It's ... more complicated than that."
"How is it more complicated... are they on another ship? Or ..." he trailed off, confused.
"He's..." She swallowed, tears leaping to her eyes out of sheer terror and anticipation of his reaction. "It's hard to explain."
"Sol?" he reached down and drew her further into his lap, a worried expression on his face. "C'mon, you can talk to me. I promise, I won't tell anyone. Not even Trinity."
It wasn't Trinity she was worried about. Trinity might even understand. "Not even Morpheus?"
Pause. "Not if you don't want me to... Sol, what's this about?"
He was going to kill her. He, of all people, was going to kill her. And if he didn't, Smith would, once they went after the Agent. "It's about Agent Smith."
Neo didn't get it at first, it was just too much for him to handle... bless the man. "Agent Smith is after this guy?"
"No..." She swallowed, and couldn't look at her friend. There was a very long silence as the statement rearranged itself in Neo's mind, and she saw comprehension slowly dawn over his face. When he didn't say anything for a little while she looked up at him, afraid of what was coming next. "Neo?"
"I'm here..." His arms tightened around her, but it was more reflex than anything. "How... did this happen?"
"I don't know. Well, I sort of know... Morpheus and the Elders asked me to study him, after I heard about Morpheus' talk with him... it... whatever... and after I told them my idea. And things just... got out of hand."
Neo bit back whatever he had been going to say at first and nodded instead. "I guess they did." There was a short silence. "And that's why you think you're... messed up?"
She winced. "I guess there really isn't a better way to put it. Yeah."
"Shit."
"Yeah."
She felt him take a deep breath and let it out over the course of a minute. "He knows who you are?"
"Yes."
"And he hasn't gone after you, or tried to kill you, or anything like that yet? Wait... you said he was... nice?"
"He's been acting... well, he didn't know who I was until a few days ago. But... up until that point he was just acting like a perfectly normal, reclusive, grumpy federal agent. And even after he found out he didn't try to chase me, or kill me, or anything. We just... talked."
"You just talked."
"Yeah."
Pause. Deep sigh from Neo. "For what it's worth, Solace, I don't think you're deficient, or emotionally screwed up. I think you're just..." He paused again. "I don't know what to think. I didn't think this could happen."
There was a long silence. "Honestly," she said after a while. "I didn't think anything was really going to come of it. I didn't think the Agents could be humanized, much less that they were displaying actual human emotions. I thought they were just trying to interrogate Morpheus, but I figured it was an interesting theory to try, and it was something new and innovative that we hadn't tried before. I didn't think it would actually..."
"... work."
"Yeah."
When he actually laughed out loud it startled her, making her jump a little in his arms. He hugged her, soothing her, but chuckled anyway. "You really got yourself into a weird one this time... Sol, baby, I wish I had some advice for you."
"But you don't."
"No... hang on. Have you thought about going to see the Oracle?"
She blinked. She tipped her head backwards and looked up at Neo, whose gaze in return held no sign of anger or accusation. It was more of a relief than she had imagined. "No... that's a good idea."
He kissed her forehead. "Good to know I'm not entirely useless after all."
"You're not useless." She laughed, hugging him. "Just because I don't believe in any prophecies or one true saviors doesn't mean I think you're useless."
He grinned. "So nice of you. Feeling better?"
"Yeah..." she was surprised to find that she was. "Much better."
"Good. Come out and get something to eat in a bit, will you? Some of us worry..."
She laughed as she scooted off of his lap, allowing him to stand and move over to the door. "I'll come out and snag some snot in a bit. I have to think about this..."
He nodded, still smiling, but still serious. "Let me know what you figure out, okay?"
"Okay. Hey, Neo?"
"Yeah?"
"... Thanks."
At first it was just a trickle of tears, lying on her back and staring at the ceiling and feeling the moisture slowly slide down her face. Her thoughts spun in her head, out of control, crazy. It was absolutely ridiculous. When she'd arranged that last meeting she'd had a perfectly clear knowledge of what she was going to do, what she wanted to do. It had all been so decisive, so correct. She had known exactly what to say, because she had known that it had to be the way she had decided, and nothing else could come to pass. At least, that's what she'd thought at the time. But now it just wasn't as certain as it had been, and she was so confused.
She drew her knees up in tighter, closer to her chest. If she had been plugged in, he probably would have been there. He would have tried to find some sort of comforting words, dried her tears, held her close. Which was ironic... out here in the so-called real world, she couldn't let anyone know what was going on, and it was all cold steel and dank mattresses. Not very comforting.
But then, what was the difference? Why should a collection of electrical impulses and data packets be more comforting than steel, than cotton, than real people? She didn't know. It seemed almost unreasonable that she had ... or thought she had... so deep a connection with a computer program when she hadn't managed to make any such connection with a live human being. Was she somehow deficient? Lacking? Was there something missing in her that made her incapable of relating to humans? Maybe she should have stayed plugged in, a mockery of human flesh and more like a collection of code than anything physical and chemical. Maybe she wasn't a proper woman at all, but a sexless creature raised to be a woman but without the right impulses and responses. She sat up, staring down at her body and wondering which part had betrayed her. This just wasn't right. None of it was right. None of it should be happening, and she didn't understand what was happening to her.
The knock on the door made her jump and screech. By the time her heart rate had returned to normal the person had already announced himself. "Hey Sol, it's Neo... are you okay in there?"
She wiped her eyes and sat up, pulling herself together as much as she could. "Fine..." her voice was cracking. That wouldn't do. "I'm fine. Don't worry about it."
There was a long pause. She didn't hear his footsteps fading; clearly, he wasn't buying today. "Can I come in?"
"Sure..."
The door opened. Neo hadn't quite yet gotten his full growth of hair, and it still resembled peach fuzz more than an actual do. He was rather cute, though, even with the plugs. She smiled weakly as he walked in and sat down next to her.
"You look like crap."
"Thanks."
They shared a wry grin. "You didn't come to dinner, we figured something might be wrong. I know the single-cell isn't that good, but..."
She chuckled, but without much enthusiasm. "Wasn't hungry."
He looked at her, dark eyes meeting her pale, bi-colored stare. He still wasn't buying, and she looked away before he did. "Sol, I've been around you long enough to know you better than that. You're the only one of us who can actually stomach that single-cell crap, and I still don't know how you do it. You wouldn't come to dinner just because you couldn't slurp down the snot."
She giggled a bit, pulling her knees up to her chest again. "Seriously, I wasn't hungry. Figured I'd get a nap in before my shift."
"Tank says you've stopped pulling extra duties."
Her face went blank. "Caught."
"Come on, Sol. What's up?"
She took a deep breath. Tried to figure out some way to pose the question that wouldn't cause undue suspicion. Something that wouldn't alert even Neo to her current state, although he was usually oblivious to emotions unless the person came out and told him. Typical male. Not that she wasn't fond of him. "I've been wondering..."
He waited for her to continue. When she didn't, he reached around her and pulled the blanket up and around her shoulders, rubbing them gently. It was the contact she had been craving, if not the person she wanted it from, and it was reassuring. "You've been wondering... what?"
"Is there..." she swallowed. Harder than she thought. "Is there something wrong with me?"
"Wrong with you... how?"
"With my emotions... like I'm... broken."
He stared at her for so long that she started to think he didn't understand. Then he leaned back the short distance against the wall, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and pulling her gently against him. "What makes you think that?"
"I don't know..." she started to relax, with her cheek pressed against his chest and her short hair tickling his chin. "Just... stuff that's been happening lately."
"Has Dis been after you again?" Neo asked, sharp concern laced all through his voice.
"No... no, for once, Dis has been perfectly reasonable and stayed the hell out of my way." Solace shook her head wryly. Dis, the latest member of the Neb crew, wasn't easy to work with for the female contingent. Trinity he had finally accepted as out of his reach, with her too-obvious involvement with Neo. Solace, however, had remained a mystery and a constant annoyance to him, and he made it known to everyone on the ship, at great length.
"Then what's up?"
She sighed. She was going to have to tell him, or he'd think it was Dis' fault. "There's..." How the hell did she explain this? "This guy..."
Solace braced herself for the expected 'a-ha!' Mercifully, though, Neo remained silent. He waited for her to continue, and prompted her when she didn't. "Is he nice?"
"He's an absolute pill," she said with feeling, then laughed. "He's nice... very nice, in his own way. Reclusive... we met up on my last assignment... at the very beginning, months ago. Things just sort of... got out of hand."
Pause. "How far out of hand?"
"Well, not that far... I didn't sleep with him if that's what you're asking. But ... well, he knows I have feelings for him now. At least, I think I do."
"And you're thinking that because you don't want to get involved with anyone who isn't unplugged, that you don't have any real emotions for real people?" Her breath hissed out between her teeth. Neo was sharper than he looked... sharp enough to cut them both, if she wasn't careful.
"Something like that."
"Sol, you should know as well as I do that that's complete bullshit. Just because you fell for someone who was still plugged in doesn't make them any less human. It just ... makes things difficult, that's all." He shifted position and looked down at her as she made hedging noises. "That's not all?"
"Not quite..." He wasn't going to understand unless she told him. He wasn't going to understand if she told him. She'd gotten herself into a completely untenable situation. Dammit. "It's ... more complicated than that."
"How is it more complicated... are they on another ship? Or ..." he trailed off, confused.
"He's..." She swallowed, tears leaping to her eyes out of sheer terror and anticipation of his reaction. "It's hard to explain."
"Sol?" he reached down and drew her further into his lap, a worried expression on his face. "C'mon, you can talk to me. I promise, I won't tell anyone. Not even Trinity."
It wasn't Trinity she was worried about. Trinity might even understand. "Not even Morpheus?"
Pause. "Not if you don't want me to... Sol, what's this about?"
He was going to kill her. He, of all people, was going to kill her. And if he didn't, Smith would, once they went after the Agent. "It's about Agent Smith."
Neo didn't get it at first, it was just too much for him to handle... bless the man. "Agent Smith is after this guy?"
"No..." She swallowed, and couldn't look at her friend. There was a very long silence as the statement rearranged itself in Neo's mind, and she saw comprehension slowly dawn over his face. When he didn't say anything for a little while she looked up at him, afraid of what was coming next. "Neo?"
"I'm here..." His arms tightened around her, but it was more reflex than anything. "How... did this happen?"
"I don't know. Well, I sort of know... Morpheus and the Elders asked me to study him, after I heard about Morpheus' talk with him... it... whatever... and after I told them my idea. And things just... got out of hand."
Neo bit back whatever he had been going to say at first and nodded instead. "I guess they did." There was a short silence. "And that's why you think you're... messed up?"
She winced. "I guess there really isn't a better way to put it. Yeah."
"Shit."
"Yeah."
She felt him take a deep breath and let it out over the course of a minute. "He knows who you are?"
"Yes."
"And he hasn't gone after you, or tried to kill you, or anything like that yet? Wait... you said he was... nice?"
"He's been acting... well, he didn't know who I was until a few days ago. But... up until that point he was just acting like a perfectly normal, reclusive, grumpy federal agent. And even after he found out he didn't try to chase me, or kill me, or anything. We just... talked."
"You just talked."
"Yeah."
Pause. Deep sigh from Neo. "For what it's worth, Solace, I don't think you're deficient, or emotionally screwed up. I think you're just..." He paused again. "I don't know what to think. I didn't think this could happen."
There was a long silence. "Honestly," she said after a while. "I didn't think anything was really going to come of it. I didn't think the Agents could be humanized, much less that they were displaying actual human emotions. I thought they were just trying to interrogate Morpheus, but I figured it was an interesting theory to try, and it was something new and innovative that we hadn't tried before. I didn't think it would actually..."
"... work."
"Yeah."
When he actually laughed out loud it startled her, making her jump a little in his arms. He hugged her, soothing her, but chuckled anyway. "You really got yourself into a weird one this time... Sol, baby, I wish I had some advice for you."
"But you don't."
"No... hang on. Have you thought about going to see the Oracle?"
She blinked. She tipped her head backwards and looked up at Neo, whose gaze in return held no sign of anger or accusation. It was more of a relief than she had imagined. "No... that's a good idea."
He kissed her forehead. "Good to know I'm not entirely useless after all."
"You're not useless." She laughed, hugging him. "Just because I don't believe in any prophecies or one true saviors doesn't mean I think you're useless."
He grinned. "So nice of you. Feeling better?"
"Yeah..." she was surprised to find that she was. "Much better."
"Good. Come out and get something to eat in a bit, will you? Some of us worry..."
She laughed as she scooted off of his lap, allowing him to stand and move over to the door. "I'll come out and snag some snot in a bit. I have to think about this..."
He nodded, still smiling, but still serious. "Let me know what you figure out, okay?"
"Okay. Hey, Neo?"
"Yeah?"
"... Thanks."