Numb
By Britta
(Author's Note: HiJ This is the second chapter to Titanic Serenade written by Britta in GermanyJ She sends apologies for any misspellings or grammar mistakes, but as far as I can see the story is perfectJ Enjoy)
With soft movements the black, smooth waves were splashing against the mighty hull of the Titanic. Darkness engulfed the ship, illuminated only by the glistening lights in the windows and the dim lamps on deck.
All of a sudden, she appeared and the calm night was penetrated by her heavy sobs, her whimpering sounds and rapid footsteps. She was running along the boat deck, making her way towards the stern. Her elegant black and red dress and her fiery long curls were flying behind her and she reached up to wipe the tears away from her sticky face.
Rose DeWitt Bukater was devastated. Images of the previous day, the previous weeks, her previous life flashed through her throbbing mind, causing just more and more tears to come to her eyes.
Everything had been so wonderful. A carefree existence in the DeWitt Bukater mansion, lighthearted conversations with her mother, the pleasant closeness to her father.
And then it had come. The turn that would mean the beginning of the end. Mr. DeWitt Bukater had passed away, causing Rose's complete world to tumble down. Hearing her mother's cries for weeks and feeling her own soul going numb by her sorrow, she had soon found herself in another insufferable life. It had turned out that her father had left the family a legacy of debts to deal with and a slowly decreasing status in society. It didn't matter much to Rose, but the disillusionment had followed as soon as the first shock had passed by. The tears had dried and the pressure on Rose had grown. She, the only DeWitt Bukater offspring, had been the one to carry the family's hope for a continuing wealthy existence in her. Her mother had demanded that Rose would be behaving even more appropriately, like a true, striking high society lady whilst her main aim had become pretty obvious: attracting a dignified and prosperous young man for her daughter to marry and therefore saving the family's good name and improve their financial situation.
And then he had come. Mister Caledon Hockley had stepped into Rose's life and embodied the exact opposite of everything Rose had hoped for in her future life. The situation had gotten so much out of hand that now, at the age of just 17, Rose saw nothing but blackness ahead of her.
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless
Lost under the surface
I don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure
Of walking in your shoes
She was so tired of all this. She was tired of the escalating falseness in her life, of being forced to behave in ways she didn't want to just to please others, just to please Cal who wouldn't stop disparaging her. And the worst of it all was that she had no way out.
Caught in the undertow
Just caught in the undertow
Rose's desolation wasn't obvious in public, but it appeared through details in treatment, gestures and especially her fiancé's way to deal with her. Images of Cal emerged in her mind, from the time they had first met till the day they had boarded the Titanic. She heard him telling her to change her clothes since she couldn't "wear black on sailing day, sweet pea". She heard him calling her that awful nickname. Over and over again. She saw him frowning at her newly brought European drawings with disapproval, pictures which showed Rose's great passion in art. A passion he couldn't share at all.
Whatever she was saying or doing, Cal would say something against it. Sometimes Rose thought he wasn't in the least interested in her since he never ever showed any interest in her passions or in what she was saying. It seemed as if her only duty was to be present.
Every step that I take
Is another mistake to you
Rose sobbed once more as she ran up the stairs to the stern deck, opening the small gate and heading along the vast deck space. Tears made her vision blurry, nevertheless she could make out the attracting stern railing which was in sight now. Lifting her dress slightly in order not to stumble, she focused her gaze on what was laying ahead.
What was the use of all this? Rose had been asking herself this very question over and over again without getting any reasonable answer. There was no use and she was drained. Her power was worn out, her emotional strength was fading. And she didn't see any way to rebel against her miserable fate. She was trapped and she knew it.
Caught in the undertow
Just caught in the undertow
A chilly breeze made her shiver and she lifted her hand to wipe away her tears once more. Gasping for air, she somehow ended up leaning against the bottom of a flagpole to regain some physical strength. Breathlessly and trembling, Rose took a few steps forward until she could grasp the cold railing with her hands. One last time, she looked back to be sure that nobody was watching her. She didn't want anyone to keep her from doing what she had to do. What she had to do? What she wanted to do? What was she even thinking? Staring down at the black hole beneath her, the gap that used to be the wonderfully sparkling Atlantic Ocean by daylight, she was suddenly afraid of herself. She was afraid of the unfeeling creature that had become of her. She did want to live, she truly did, but considering what was expecting her, the bare thought of her going through this existence till her death was too absurd and simply too terrifying. The cold air made her shiver once more.
I've
Become so numb
I can't feel you there
I become so tired
So much more aware
Rose was caught between her immense urge to live and her devastating, hopeless future perspective. It was all so unfair. Why did it have to end like this? Did she really have to die without having ever experienced the meaning of life, of love, of true happiness?
Rose's fiery spirit was striving for something. Just something else, something different from all the emptiness and pain she was constantly feeling. She didn't even know what it was, but she knew one thing for sure: she would never ever have the chance to achieve it.
I'm becoming this
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you
Swallowing hard and grasping the cold railing even more tightly, Rose's mind went back to the man who was the decisive factor for her desperate situation. It wasn't just her whole lifestyle that made her suffocate, it was that man who represented everything she despised about her fellow society members. She was remembering the lunch scene on that very day. Cal, her mother and Rose had assembled in the palm court restaurant, having their meal in company of Bruce Ismay, the White Star Line director, Thomas Andrews, the shipbuilder, and Molly Brown, a pleasant High Society Lady who seemed to be different from the others.
It had once again started with small gestures and controlling actions. Cal stubbing out Rose's cigarette, Cal ordering disgusting lamb for her, Cal calling her that appalling nickname.
Mr. Ismay had been going into raptures about the impressive size of the Titanic and Rose had silently shaken her head at that typically male attitude. After all, she had made some irritating remark on the subject and excused herself, going out onto the promenade deck to escape Cal´s angry eyes which bore into her back.
Short time later, he had followed her, demanding to know what had gotten into her. He had been annoyed, but he had also been afraid, that was for sure. This hadn't been the first time Rose had acted like that, acted "improperly", and Cal didn't quite know how to keep her from being the rebel she was deep inside. She was too stubborn sometimes and Rose couldn't stop behaving like that. As long as she at least tried to be herself, she still felt somehow like an emotionally alive human being.
Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly
Afraid to lose control
'Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
The odd thing was that Rose actually believed that Cal loved her. He did love her, in the only way he knew. But his kind of affection was something she just couldn't get used to. She could pretend to be satisfied, going on with her life and being the well brought up girl she should be. But she knew she would turn into a person she had always struggled not to be.
She had no choice.
Taking another deep breath, Rose lifted her dress slightly and stepped onto the bottom rung of the railing. She was shivering heavily, partly because of the freezing air, partly because of the prospect of what she was doing.
Caught in the undertow
Just caught in the undertow
Climbing over the top rung was difficult, her long dress making every movement hard. Rose managed to get on the other side, her hands clinging to the railing and her feet getting a secure hold. She was doing the right thing, she kept telling herself, there was no other way out. Death was better than living in that spirit altering world.
Every step that I take
Is another mistake to you
The cool wind had dried her tears, leaving tracks on her pale cheeks. Hardly breathing, Rose stared into the frightening darkness below. She even nearly didn't feel the cold anymore. For the first time since she had made her desperate decision to finish off, she thought that she could actually do it. That she could simply jump and everything would be over.
Caught in the undertow
Just caught in the undertow
It seemed to be so easy, now that she was actually hanging over the hole which would bring her deliverance. She would just let go and her pain would be over. It was too much to bear. The longer she was standing there, holding on to the railing and being in this world, the more intense became her desire for salvation.
And every second I waste
Is more than I can take
Again, Rose's mind flashed back. Again, she was wondering how she had ended up hanging at the back of a ship, the ship that was said to be "the ship of dreams", carrying the hopes and wishes of so many people. The absurdity of Rose's situation got clear to her at that very moment. Wasn't she supposed to be one of them? Cheery, enthusiastic, optimistic about what was laying ahead?
It was unfair. What had she done wrong, why was she the one who had to be burdened with this unbearable fate? Everything she felt was humiliation, everything she saw was herself, being torn into a million pieces, dying inside. She felt anger, pure and plain anger.
I've
Become so numb
I can't feel you there
I become so tired
So much more aware
I'm becoming this
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you
Rose had often tried to put herself into his mind. For just one brief moment she wanted to know what was going on inside of his mentality, what made him be the person he was.
Cal was 30 years old, son of Pittsburgh steel tycoon Nathan Hockley and incredibly rich. He was handsome, Rose had to admit, but his looks didn't seem to be in any connection with his soul. She sensed that there was some turmoil going on inside of that man. Rose had known him for quite some time now, but she had never learnt anything important from his past. But she did know something about Cal´s relationship to his father. One day, Cal would inherit the Hockley's fortune and of course he had to have a proper wife by then. In this regard, the old Hockley's attitude didn't differ from Rose's mother's. A marriage should be expedient to someone's purposes, nothing more and nothing less. Possibly Cal was eager to prove something, prove that he really deserved his father's respect by marrying Rose and therefore having a suitable wife to share the Hockley wealth with. Maybe deep inside he was just a desperate creature, struggling to maintain his high position. Nevertheless, Rose couldn't and didn't want to accept him as her future perspective. Never ever.
And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me
With someone disappointed in you
The dim stern lights illuminated Rose's pale face, her red curls blowing in the wind, her hands clinging to the cold railing as she was staring at the black sea, slightly swaying from side to side. She could do it and she would do it. Just let go and be free. She wouldn't even feel anything. She would be dead instantly.
I've
Become so numb
I can't feel you there
I become so tired
So much more aware
No, she couldn't do it. She didn't want to. She wanted to be alive, for God's sake, she wanted to live her life to the fullest! In her way, the way she wanted without anyone dictating anything to her. But that wasn't achievable.
I'm becoming this
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you
Let go, Rose, she told herself, let go and stop torturing yourself. God, what had become of her?
I've
Become so numb
She didn't feel anything at that moment. She didn't feel the freezing wind, she didn't feel the burning pain inside her head and she didn't feel her frozen soul. She wanted to scream, but all that was coming out of her throat were soft whimpering sounds filling the unbearable silence around her.
I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Rose couldn't believe it. She was willing to throw her life away, just like that, by jumping off the back of a ship. What a pathetic way to escape. But what a pathetic way to live was forced upon her. What a pathetic perspective.
I've
Become so numb
I can't feel you there
She was utterly worn out. Her spirit was fading away and there was nothing she could do. She wanted to let go, but her trembling hands remained attached to the railing. She didn't know what to do.
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Let go, Rose, let go, for God's sake. You can't change it, you are entirely hopeless. There's no choice.
Her breath became shallow, her sobs died and her eyes closed.
Just as she was about to end it all and to surrender to the callous voice within, the agonizing silence was broken by the warmest, most caring and most wonderful voice Rose had ever heard.
"Don't do it."
~The End~
Song: Linkin Park - Numb