Jigen Lupin: Hello faithful readers of The Search for Babies and Shoes.
Jigen: We come here to bring forth a very important announcement and a serious problem that must be taken care of. Over the past few months, my hat has been mangled, ripped, stomped on, eaten, sexually abused...glares at author
Author: shifty eyes
Jigen:...held against its will, and sold at auction. I speak today to introduce you readers to my new non profit organization. Hopefully it will save the lives and the dignity of just a few more hats that had no say in their future.
Jigen's Save the Hat Foundation
Lupin: Okay, we kinda need to hurry this along...
Jigen:...It seems our time has run out, however, let us take a moment to bow our heads in silence for all of the hats that were lost over the past few years.
Lupin: ..........
Jigen: ..........
Lupin: ..........
Jigen: ..........
Lupin: How long has it been?
Jigen: Long enough.
Lupin: Right, fuck this...
Disclaimer: ..........Disss-claaaiimmm-eeeer....? What is this diss-claaiim-eeer you speak of?
The Search for Babies and Shoes
Part 8
Jigen is still bitching.
Jigen: ...you slept with a slut Lupin, admit it!
Lupin: (Fiddling with shit) So you're saying that you're a slut now?
Jegin: No!
Lupin: Well, honestly Jigen, make up your mind... (burning a fire) Hmmmm.....maybe I can melt this ring into metal which I can then use to make another ring!
Jigen: Why would you go through all of that...?
Lupin: Why would I do the who and the what and the who now?
Jigen: Whatever....and another thing....(looks in corner)..ummm....Lupin?
Lupin: Mmmm...?
Jigen: What the hell is that?
Lupin: What the hell is what?
Jigen: (points over to corner at a monkey)
Monkey: Oi!
Lupin: That's a monkey Jigen...
Jigen: I know it's a damn monkey, what the hell is it doing here?!
Lupin: (looks over) Well, right now it looks like he's masturbating.
Monkey: masturbating
Jigen: Oh for the love of...I just washed the floor!
Lupin: Heh, heh...atta boy, Greg!
Jigen: Greg?
Lupin: Yeah....Greg...
Jigen: You named him?
Lupin: Heeeeey....why the hell not...
Jigen: (Looks at Greg)
Greg: ......
Jigen: .......
Greg: ........
Jigen: .......
Greg: Starts masturbating again
Jigen: Okay, that's it, I'm killing that thing...
Lupin: Run Greg, RUN!!!
Greg: Ooooiii! OOOIII!!! (Jumps out window)
Jigen: Ha! I showed him!
Greg: (Flies back in through window, steals Jigen's wallet, jumps back out)
Jigen: Well Shit.
(Things are sneaking around outside their hotel room.)
Lupin: (Looks up from what he's doing) Shhhh....did you hear something?
Jigen: Are you drunk again?
Lupin: Maaaaybe...
Jigen: (Goes over and takes down two antique wall decorations, one ax, and ummm.... the spiky ball at the end of a stick (for lack of better terminology...)). Well you're right about something, we're not alone...
Lupin: You're right, we're not...(points to Greg over in corner counting Jigen's money.)
Jigen: (Throws rock at Greg) Damnit, get that thing out of here!
Suddenly, one of The Count's evil henchmen creatures break through the glass skylight and fall in, attacking Lupin.
Jigen: (picks up ax and runs to strike the thing.)
Lupin: No wife! You musn't! You must protect yourself! Run! Run!!!
A whole herd of the creatures break in through the front door.
Greg: shifty eyes (Loots everything he can find then gets the hell outta there.)
Creature #1: So, you say he is your wife?!
Lupin: Uh huh! That's what I'm saying! Ya'll better stay away from him, ya hear?! (Snaps fingers back and forth.)
Creature #2: We want to marry him, too!!! (They all start attacking simultaneously.)
Jigen: Awww, crap! (Starts attacking the creatures) Why does every guy I meet always want to marry me?! Why is it always ME?!
Lupin: (Takes out gun and starts shooting the creatures.) You're just so lovable, Jigen...
Jigen: Shut up! I'm not even gay! (Still chopping the enemy with an ax)
Lupin: (Still shooting) Yes you are gay and you know it!
Jigen: For the last time, if you say I am gay once more, Lupin, I will kill you while you are asleep! (Takes shield down from wall and starts beating the creatures with it)
Lupin: (Hitting them over the head with chairs) Well you know we've been married for 20 years. You were drunk during the ceremony, that's why you don't remember, but I have it all on tape! (Pulls out a bomb which sets off a blinding light and throws it into the crowd of evil henchmen. Takes Jigen's hand and they both jump out the window)
They land on the roof of a random house and start making their getaway, jumping from roof to roof, avoiding the creatures following close behind them.
Jigen: (Sarcastically) Really? Maybe it was one of the many skanky whores you slept with!
Lupin: Noooo...if it was a skanky whore that I slept with then why would I sleep with a skanky whore that looked like you?
Author: Today's daily puzzle. Try saying that ten times fast...
Jigen: That doesn't even make any sense!
Lupin: shifty eyes Yeah....well....well you don't make any sense!
Jigen: What?!
Lupin: shakes fist
Jigen: (Jumping off a rooftop with Lupin and getting into their tiny yellow car) Whatever, that wasn't even me, that was my sister!
Lupin: (Gets in the car and pulls Jigen in with him. Starts the motor and speeds away, three of the creatures hanging onto the car and riding along) gasp Huh?! You mean you have an identical twin sister?! I should've known! You and your twin, you're both women!!!
Jigen: (Takes out crowbar and whacks one of the henchmen until he falls off of the speeding car) I am not a woman!!!
Lupin: I know! You changed sexes on me, didn't you?! (Rams the speeding car into a wall crushing the last two of the creatures)
Jigen: No!
Lupin: Didn't you?!
Jigen: NO!!!
Lupin: DIDN'T YOU???!!!
Jigen: Alright! Alright, it's true...
Lupin: A ha! I knew it! Now we have to go buy babies! (Does a u-turn in the middle of a busy highway sending eight cars into a pileup and causing three auto mobiles to combust)
Jigen: Oh! Sweet Jesus!!! You just killed eleven people!!!
Lupin: That's right, Jigen...we ARE getting babies...
Part 9
Fujiko is sneaking around the many chambers and hallways of the Count's mansion, looking behind her occasionally to make sure no one's following. She goes through a secret passage and ends up walking out of the fire place in the next room. She then runs across the floor to a corner of the wall where two very cleverly positioned holes are drilled. When she looks in, she can see......monkeys smoking cigars and strip dancing?!
Fujiko: Wrong holes.....(moves two steps to the left and looks in two other holes in the wall. On the other side, the Count is talking about lots and lots of eeeeeeevil things....and babies)
Author: That's a little better. (Goes over and starts watching the stripping monkeys)
Fujiko: (eavesdropping on the Count)
Count: (picks up magnifying glass and looks at piles of money closely) These babies are getting worse and worse....
Guy: Ummmm....it's just money sir...
Count: Damnit! You're fired!
Guy: But I didn't even....
Count: I ask you all to manufacture babies and you manufacture terrible babies!!! How am I supposed to sell these things?! I mean look at them!!!
Guy #2: What are we supposed to do, sir? The demand for new and improved babies is so high...(there is a knock on the door)
Butler man thing: (walks into the room) Oh, I saw that woman snooping around...I wonder....
Count: (notices something) You've got a sign on your back....is that a baby?!
Butler man thing: (rips off sign) Noooooo it just seems like a regular note to....
Count: A baby note?
Butler man thing: .........no, just a regular note....
Count: Damnit!
Fujiko: (looks closely at the sign which reads....)
You have just been screwed with by....
LUPIN THE THIRD!
Single mother by day...
Baby hunter by night!
(Also paints fences weekends from 7-9)
Meanwhile, Goemon is making his appearance. He's apparently gotten a ride from one of the many people with thick accents in this town, and is now making his way through the gate.....in the rain......riding a mule.....Boy, that's gotta smell like doo doo.
Goemon: (jumps off mule)
Mule rider: Well ya'll..............that's as thick as my accent gets ya'll.....
Goemon: Whatever you say....(begins to walk towards a secret stowaway area surrounded by rocks overlooking the castle. The perfect spot to spy on some unsuspecting policemen walking in to have a word with the Count, preferably Zenigata.
Lupin: (looking through binoculars) Hey, has pops put on a few pounds...?(turns binoculars the other way) Whoa! I can see into the girl's bathroom!
Jigen: (is pouring tea until Goemon walks up stone stairs and takes a seat across from him on the ground)
Goemon: ....................Yo.
Jigen: Finally you made it. What the hell took you so long?
Goemon: Ummmm.....traffic.
Jigen: Traffic? You rode here on a damn mule!
Goemon: shifty eyes
Jigen: Whatever.....(walks up another short flight of stone stairs to where Lupin is looking out to the castle spying on God knows what. Jigen hands him a bowl of ramen)
Lupin: Oh, hello wife! (takes bowl and skips happily down the stairs)
Jigen: Wait, wait, wait, wait.....(chases after him) You better not pull this shit while Goemon's here!
Lupin: (to Goemon) Oh, by the way, Jigen and I are now married and looking for babies.
Goemon: I figured as much.
Author's Notes:
Lupin: So, how much have you made off of this none profit organization of yours?
Jigen: Meh....apparently people don't have as much compassion for shoes as they used to.
Lupin: It's a cruel world, sweetie...
Jigen: Don't call me sweetie!
Lupin: Honey?
Jigen: No!
Lupin: Pumpkin?
Jigen: NO!
Lupin: Shuga' mama?
Jigen: ..........I'll think about it.
Author: Lesse...last update was in January, plus about four months equals....yep, I'm an asshole. Well, at least you damn bastards got the monkey you were complaining about! shakes fist
Jigen: I bet $50 that monkey could kick her ass any day.
Lupin: Well, he DID kick yours...
Jigen: He stole my wallet!
Lupin: Ha ha! Your wallet got stolen by a monkey!
Goemon: He's got ya there, Jigen....
Jigen: ...................
Author: still shaking fist SEND ME REVIEWS!!!