a/n: Well, I'm glad to be posting again. No, I'm not dead. haha..This is just a short fic that I had randomly written last April. I tried a different style in pov, so there you go. Actually, this fic was the one that got me writing another fic (which hopefully would be ready soon), that in turn got me not updating for a time. Is this angst? I wrote angst again? hmm..that remains to be seen. I'd be glad to hear what you think.
Title: Words Fail
Author: Keithan
Disclaimers: Lord of the Rings and its characters belongs to their respective owners.
Rating: PG
Series: a ficlet that just might be followed by another
Warnings: None other than implied slash (Estel/Legolas)
Summary: Estel would bear his love only as a memory of a dream, never to become a reality. [Estel (Aragorn)&Legolas]
Notes: A short fic, or a ficlet, that inspired me to write a whole new different fic. And this might just be followed by another fic. This is set way before LotR and Aragorn was still Estel.
Words Fail
by Keithan
I opened my mouth to speak, but words left me. Instead, I looked at you, unable to voice what it was that I had been meaning to say.
I had thought about it for a long time. I even had it planned out in my mind, what I was going to do. That time, it seemed to be a flawless plan. Yet I had not taken into consideration that my voice would not come out, or was it my courage that had flown away?
Either way, I was left speechless. You arched a perfectly formed eyebrow in question to me and asked me what it was.
Words failed. Truly.
I repeated what I said just a while ago: that I had something to tell you, that I wished to have a word with you in private.
You seemed confused now. What is it? You asked again.
I looked into your inquiring silver blue eyes, saw in there your confusion and question. Perhaps you knew what I was going to say. Perhaps you knew not. Whatever it was, I had resigned myself to say it and be honest with you.
I sighed and turned away from your penetrating gaze. But what was I to say?
I loved you?
No. That would do no justice to the depth of my feelings.
Estel, is something wrong? I heard you say. I felt you take a step to me and I tightly closed my eyes.
How could I do this? It would be like betraying our friendship and your tutelage.
But I knew I had to do this. I would not be able to look at you and live a lie. You had to know.
I felt your finger underneath my chin as you now stood in front of me, lifting my head up gently. I was forced to look at you, my friend, my guide and mentor who I had fallen deeply for.
And I still was falling, hard and deep. Even now as you pierced me with your searching gaze, I fell even deeper into an eternal void that I had no way of escaping.
I realized that I must have portrayed my inner torment in my eyes for I saw in yours plain surprise as you looked deep into my soul, undoubtedly seeing in there my most guarded secret. There was no turning back now. I had given myself away without uttering a word.
Estel... you started softly, but you seemed to have lost words as well, or you never had them in the first place.
I looked away guiltily, feeling very much the child that I was, at least to the eyes of your kin, going through his infatuation with one of his senior.
But I knew that this was no infatuation, young though as I was, with merely eight and ten years upon my shoulders.
"I am sorry," I said, not exactly sure what I was apologizing for because I knew for a fact I didn't regret loving you. I never would.
You couldn't seem to say or do anything. You looked at me, still caught in your surprise. How.. how long? you muttered out softly as though you feared someone would overhear.
"For the longest time." I said, glancing at you.
After a while, it seemed you had already snapped out of your initial shock and calm once again regained your features. Sadness descended on your face and it pierced straight through my being. I looked sharply away taking it as a clear sign of rejection.
Ai, Estel, you said again and your voice carried a tone that tore at my soul. My name upon your lips at the time was like a dagger in my heart.
"Don't please," I tried to say, though it came out as a pained whisper.
I was a fool. I thought I could handle well any response that I might get. But now, I shook at the mere thought of rejection. I turned my back on you.
Estel, wait.
But I couldn't wait. I heard in your voice the same calmness and control it always had. I had not the mind to notice the panic and fear that lay underneath the calm tones.
I had to leave. I didn't want to hear the words. It was good that I was leaving with the Dúnedain at first light and this you did not know. I'd just have to avoid you before then.
I walked towards the door not heeding your call for the first time since we had met. I gripped the brass handle tightly. But I couldn't leave. Not without saying some things. I glanced sideward, enough for you to see a profile of my face, but not enough for me to see you.
"I know in my heart, my Prince, this is no mindless fancy, nor is it some idle admiration," I said and with that I opened the door and walked out, not daring a glance back.
Estel!
The desperate cry floated to my ears but it was silenced when I closed the door behind me, resisting the urge to give in to my knees and crumple down.
I left your room immediately lest my will shatters before me. I could not, would not face you knowing that you would just gently push me away. Rejection was made bearable for I had not heard the words.
I loved you, fair Prince of Mirkwood, a jewel to your people and a bane to your enemies.
But that love would live in my heart alone, never to be known and spoken aloud. I knew not for sure if we would meet again but if we do, under the moon or sun, only friendship now would I be able to show for my heart could take not your sympathy or pity, if that was what you would have.
Goodbye, my heart. I leave in the morn, bearing my love for you only as a memory of a dream, never to become a reality.
I opened the doors to my room and welcomed the solace it brought. Closing the door, I leaned back heavily on it and the sudden heaviness in my heart pulled me down to the smooth stone floor. My head fell on my hands as I thought of my love that you would have rejected had I the heart to stay and hear it. This day would not stop me from loving you. It would be enough for me to do just that, feel in my heart the love that I bear for you.
And that I would do, I thought to myself, steeling my resolve and carving it into stone. I would love you, Legolas, until time would claim me and have me leave the circles of the world.
end
I was practicing on the POV and that was what came out. And from an author's pt. of view, this is just begging for a continuation of some sort, because although I have a number of angst fics on my portfolio, I do like them to be happy (and besides, Estel, up there, was so stupid to leave.. rejection? Really now.. I'm not that cruel.. or am I? haha..). I'm such a romantic..Probably I would write something that would settle any confusion or misunderstanding between the two, if there were any.
So as I said, this fic got this weird idea on my head and I just had to write it down, and it turned out to be longer than what I had planned and expected. Thus, the long absence. And for you a/l lovers out there, yes, it is a/l (a bit), more of Estel actually and I don't think that it would be angst, perhaps a little? :)
I'll post again soon, I hope. Thanks for reading. Reviews and feedbacks? Please, do. I would be grateful.
To the ff reviewers of Cry of the Gulls: PurpleCrystal, The, Reius Devirix, miruvour, Dur En Thurin Naur, Linaeve, amy, Miss Maru, silvertoekee, and to those who just read it (as well as any other fics of mine) Thank you so much. By the way, PurpleCrystal had translated Cry of the Gulls into Chinese, if you're interested, email me.
Thanks again.