Alex was on the verge of screaming. She had passed confusion, hadn't even bothered to pause at crying and had sunk into complete frustration. She didn't understand what the hell was going on anymore. Raphael had kissed her and it had been so wonderful. But now…now he was acting like nothing had happened. It had all started at breakfast earlier that morning. Alex had woken up early, a smile immediately brightening her face as she remembered the kiss from last night. She'd never experienced a kiss like that before, with such tenderness and the smallest hint of endearing uncertainty. With the smile still in place Alex had gotten up, dressed in a pair of jeans and a simple maroon hooded sweatshirt and left her room, her stomach growling for food.
All of the guys were already up. Donatello sat in front of his computer, diligently typing away, Michelangelo sat in front of the TV watching cartoons while wolfing down a bowl of cereal and Raphael and Leonardo were at the kitchen table talking quietly while holding steaming mugs of coffee. Alex remembered smiling at the image they made. She could definitely see those two being the coffee drinkers of the bunch.
After waving to Mike and Don Alex had joined the two older turtles at the table, greeting them with a cheerful good morning. Leo had returned her greeting with a warm smile. Raph however spared her a quick glance, his dark gaze unreadable. Without so much as a single word he had abruptly stood and left the room. Alex had been stunned and hurt quite deeply and to make matters worse…it had only gone downhill from there. She wasn't sure how many more of his cold brush off's she could take. It was already early evening and her last delicate nerve was seriously frayed.
"Alex?" She heard Leo call, his voice sounding very distant. Releasing a discouraged sigh she dropped her arms to her sides and hung her head in defeat, giving up on her katas all together.
"Where's your mind tonight Alex?" Leo asked kindly, his voice much more clear now that the fog in her mind had cleared slightly.
She sighed again and shook her head. "Not on my exercises," she answered truthfully.
They stood together in the dojo lit only by the meager light of several candles. Before Alex had allowed her mind to stray they had been going through the concentrated movements of the katas, something of which had become a nightly ritual of the two after Alex had walked in on Leo practicing.
"You want to talk about it?"
Alex raised her tired gaze to his, debating whether or not she should confide in him about what had been going on between her and Raphael. In the end she decided she had to tell someone before she completely lost her sanity. "I think we should sit down," she said quietly.
Concern flashing in his eyes, Leonardo took her arm and led her across the room to a long bench against the wall. Once they were seated Alex drew a deep breath and started to tell him everything. She told him about the night she had gone topside, about how Raph had found her and carried her back to her room where she had shamelessly kissed him. She told him everything she could, saving the bit about Raph kissing her for last. "And now," she muttered, feeling every bit as miserable as she sounded, "he's giving me the cold shoulder and I don't understand why. I…I don't know what I did wrong." She fell silent, awaiting a response from Leo.
The blue masked turtle ran a hand over his face, taking in and processing everything Alex had told him. "Jeez," he finally whispered.
Alex jerked up. "What?" she asked in alarm, guilt swimming in her deep blue eyes.
Leo laid a calm hand on her shoulder. "Relax Alex. I just had no idea it had gotten so far, that's all."
Her brows drew together to form a delicate frown. "You…knew?"
"I had an idea. That's all. But like I said I didn't know you two had gotten that close."
"God Leo, what am I supposed to do? I don't get why he's jerking me around like this!"
Leo quickly wrapped his arms around Alex, holding her as her body trembled with sobs she refused to release. "It's okay Alex," he murmured. "Everything's going to be fine. Listen, why don't you go see Splinter. He'll help you find some peace and while you're doing that…I'll go talk to Raph."
Alex moved out of his embrace, staring up at him with hope filled eyes. "Really? You'd do that?"
"Sure. Come on." He stood, offering her his hand and helping her up. "You know where to find Master Splinter right?"
She nodded as she followed him across the floor and out of the training dojo.
"He'll probably already know you're coming so just knock once and enter. And don't worry about Raph okay?" He gave her a reassuring smile and a gentle shove in the direction of Splinters meditation room concealed in the confines of the first subway car. She went, casting a quick, grateful look over her shoulder. Once she had knocked and disappeared inside the car the smile left Leo's face, replaced by an angry glare. He couldn't believe Raph had allowed himself to loose control of his emotions. No, scratch that. He could believe it. Raph was known for acting on impulse alone. But never had he lost control when it came to women. Turning on his heel, Leo went in search for his younger, irresponsible brother.
His search took him topside to a once vacant garage located directly above the lair. The garage had been taken over by Don and Raph almost immediately. It was filled with old tools, much of which had already been there, scrap metal, and several unfinished projects Don was in the process of toying with. Sitting in the far corner underneath the dim glow of a swaying work lamp was Raph. He sat on a turned over crate wearing baggy oil stained overalls with a gapping hole in the knee, a welding mask and was wielding a blow torch as he worked on his prized possession; a sleek red and black ninja bike Donatello had helped him piece together.
As he sensed Leo's approach, Raph extinguished the flame of the torch and pushed the mask back to reveal dark eyes filled with rebelliousness. It was obvious that he was just itching for a fight. "What?" he asked irritably.
Leo crossed his arms over his plastron, meeting Raph's glare with a severe one of his own. "So it's okay to mess with an innocent humans emotions now, is it?"
"I don't know what you're talkin' about Leo," he replied evenly. But something flashed in his eyes. Something that told Leonardo everything he needed to know.
"I think you do Raph," he said.
Emitting a sound of disgust Raph went back to his work. "Why don't you just get to the point? I'm kinda busy here."
"Quit messing with her Raphael. She's got enough on her mind as it is."
"Goin' on another one of your half-assed assumptions about my life Leo?"
Leonardo's glare hardened as he stared at his younger brother, silently cursing his stubborn streak. "It's not an assumption Raph," she said, forcing himself to remain calm. "She told me what's been going on."
Raphael stopped what he was doing and went very still. "What exactly did she say?" he finally asked, the anger gone from his voice.
Leo took several cautious steps forward, slowly closing the gap between them. For a moment it seemed that the danger had passed but he knew better. His brother's temper was quick. If it decided to show it's face again Leo would be ready for it. "She thinks she did something wrong Raph."
"Yeah? Well, maybe she did," Raph snapped. Annoyance flashed briefly in his eyes but disappeared just as quickly as he sighed and shook his head. "No. She didn't do anything wrong."
"Then what's going on?" Leo asked.
His work forgotten, Raph stood and faced his brother. "Look…Leo, I appreciate your concern and all but this isn't your problem. And don't give me the speech about how what we do individually affects us all. I've heard it before. This is just somethin'…I've got to figure out on my own." Giving his older brother a rough pat on the shoulder he said "Later bro" and left the garage.
Leonardo watched him leave in a state of confusion and slight shock. Only once in a great while had he ever seen Raphael react to questioning without getting pissed off. Something must really be bothering him.
*~*~*~*
"So what do you feel like watching? We've got almost anything you can think of. Courtesy of yours truly."
Sitting across from Alex on the old couch, Michelangelo held up a box full of DVD's. "Action, horror, mystery…even romance."
Alex offered him a halfhearted smile. "You can choose one Mikey," she said while picking at the dark brown piping along the side of one of the couch pillows.
Mike watched her, a worried frown replacing his easy grin. "What's up Alex? You haven't really been yourself lately. Something wrong?"
She started to answer him but stopped short when Raph walked in the room. He grabbed his trench coat and fedora from the table against the wall they had left them laying on last night and pulled them on without a sound. "Where are you going?" she asked, cursing herself for the words as soon as they left her mouth.
"I'm going out," he said. "Did you want to know who I'm gonna be with and when I'm comin' home too?"
Cheeks burning with mortification Alex dropped her gaze to the floor. She listened to the sound of his footsteps leaving the lair as hot tears collected in her eyes. God, she was such a fool. Just because they had shared a few kisses didn't mean the guy felt the same way for her that she did for him. He'd probably just wanted to get a little action and she had happened to be in the right place at the right time. Hell, for all she knew he was probably going to meet another woman right now.
A hand fell lightly on her shoulder and she jerked her head up, looking into Michelangelo's sympathetic chocolate colored eyes. "You gonna be okay?" he asked softly.
She shook her head and fell into his waiting arms, no longer trying to hold back the tears that had plagued her all day. With one great sob the floodgates burst open. She clung to Mike, hardly hearing his words of comfort through her broken weeping. Several minutes later there were no more tears left yet she still remained in Mike's arms, needing to be held by someone who would not push her away. "You're a good guy Mikey," she hiccupped once she could find her voice.
He smiled, brushing a tear away from her cheek with the pad of his large thumb. "I know. One of us has got to be good at handling crying chicks. He'll come around Alex."
"Wh-what?" she stammered, the sudden change of subject catching her completely off guard.
"Raph," Mike elaborated. "He'll come around. Just give him time."
Alex stared at her orange masked friend, momentarily amazed by how perceptive he was. She would almost bet that he could see straight through a person when it came to matters of the heart. "The more time I give him…the more I'm ripped apart inside," she admitted quietly. "You know…when I first came here I was so afraid. I thought I would never be able to shake the fear or be able to think about anything but Danny's betrayal. But now the only thing I'm afraid of is…is being rejected by… him."
Mike nodded his understanding, a soothing hand moving over her back and back up. "You really like him that much, huh?"
"Yes," she whispered.
"Well…he's a hard guy to deal with Alex. He's arrogant, stubborn and impulsive. But like I said, give him time. Something about Raph that not everyone knows is…eventually he starts thinking, you know? He starts to realize things, but it takes time. And to be honest, I think he'll figure this one out sooner than later. He'd be crazy to keep pushing a girl like you away."
Alex laughed softly, tightening her arms around him. "Thanks Mikey. I really hope you're right." Placing a quick kiss on his cheek she moved out of his embrace and stood, rubbing the back of her hand over a tear streaked cheek bone. "Listen, I have to go talk to Leo about something. I'll be back later okay?"
"Fine," Mike said with a dejected sigh. "Looks like I'll be picking out movies on my own tonight."
"I think you'll manage," she muttered dryly, rolling her eyes as she left the living room. She went down the hall on the left and to Leonardo's room, knocking softly on the hard door. He called out for her to enter and she pushed the door open, closing it behind her once she was in the room.
Leo sat on his bed, reclining against several pillows, his legs stretched out before him and a book in his hands.
"What are you reading?" Alex asked, moving to the foot of the bed and resting her hands on the rusted metal framework. He held up the book for her to see. Unfortunately the title was in Japanese so she couldn't make out a word of it but she could tell by the deadly looking katana imprinted on the cover that the book was about his choice weapon. Nodding her head she made what she hoped was an interested humming noise.
"Don't have a clue what it says do you?" Leonardo asked, a slow grin spreading across his face.
"Not at all," Alex replied. "So I'm guessing the talk didn't go so well?"
"It didn't go bad."
"But?"
Leo released a deep sigh and set his book aside. "To be honest I'm not really sure how it went."
Curious, Alex went around the bed and sat next to him, the mattress emitting a small squeak as her slight weight settled upon it. "What do you mean?"
"Well," he said slowly, trying to figure how best to explain the conversation (if you could even call it a conversation) that he'd had with Raphael. "He just didn't handle it the way I expected him to do. He usually gets pretty mad when people question him about his actions but he didn't this time." He lifted his shoulders in a helpless shrug, his troubled gaze meeting hers. "He kind of just gave up. He said he had to handle it on his own and then left."
Even though she felt like crying again from the ever-present frustration that was constantly trying to consume her Alex merely nodded, unable to speak past the lump forming in her throat. None of what Leonardo had said could help her. She was still in the dark when it came to figuring out why Raphael was being so cold and distant.
"I'm sorry Alex," Leo quietly murmured.
She shook her head back and forth, swallowing hard and forcing a smile to her lips. "It's not your fault."
"I know. I just thought I knew him so well. He's my brother. I've known him all my life. I always expect him to react a certain way and then he goes and pulls this."
Alex's smile started to turn understanding when a sudden thought struck her. Sitting straight up she grabbed Leo's hand. "Tell me about him."
The blue masked turtle gave her an odd look. "About who? Raph?"
"Yes. Tell me everything you know about him," she insisted, a note of desperation edging her words as she scooted closer to him on the bed.
"You do realize how long this could take, right?"
"I don't care Leo!" she cried, her hand tightening around his as her wide blue eyes silently pleaded him to do as she asked. "Maybe if I know him better I can understand him or at least why he's doing this. Please?"
Leo nodded reluctantly. "Okay. Where do you want me to start?"
"At the beginning."
*~*~*
"Excuse me, bar tender?"
Casey Jones turned from the sink where he'd been rinsing out various shot glasses and beer mugs and looked through the smoky atmosphere of the slightly crowded bar to where a woman sat, one slim elbow perched on the counter top. "What can I get for ya ma'am?" he drawled, taking a moment to study the woman. She was pretty enough with short brunette hair and deep brown eyes.
The woman lifted a tapered finger and pointed towards the end of the bar. "Know anything about Mr. Dark and Silent down there?"
Casey looked to where she was pointing and smiled. "Sure do. The guys a good friend of mine."
Her eyes lit up with immediate interest. "Really? Is he single?"
Quickly stifling a sudden bark of laughter he said, "Depends on who you're askin'. He thinks he is but that's far from the truth." The woman arched a penciled eyebrow in question. "The truth is," Casey dropped his voice, leaning against the bar closer to the brunette. "The poor guys fallin' for this girl…hard and he doesn't even realize it."
With a pout the woman looked once more to the end of the bar. "Well, I hope that goes okay for him," she said, her voice lacking actual sincerity. "Do me a favor will you? Make his next drink on me."
"You got it babe."
Turning away fro the woman, Casey grabbed a beer from the cooler hidden under the bar and made his way down the length of the bar to where Raphael sat, inattentively peeling the label from his empty bottle of beer.
"Here ya go buddy," the dark haired man said, handing him the cold beer he had brought with him. "Compliments of the brunette down there."
Raph glanced up from under the rim of his hat, giving Casey an exhausted grin. "And here I thought havin' a chick buy drinks for ya only happened in movies." He lifted the fresh beer in a mock salute.
"Not so my friend. Have a look for yourself."
Careful to avoid any unnecessary exposure he did just that, meeting the gaze of the willowy brunette woman at the opposite end of the bar. She waved to him, her full red lips slowly forming the word "hi."
She was a looker all right. But her hair was too short, her make up too thick and she was dressed way too trashy. And…she wasn't Alex. Muttering a foul curse under his breath he inclined his head in a nod of thanks and turned his attention back to his drink.
"Raph, why don't you just go home and talk to her. Sittin' here and gettin' drunk ain't gonna fix anything." Casey said, already aware of what had been happening between his good friend and the cute blonde he and his brothers had taken in. "Why are you avoiding her anyway?"
Raph was silent for a long time before answering, staring at the counter top with unseeing eyes. He knew the answer to Casey's question. He'd known it for days now. He was avoiding Alex because he was scared. She'd introduced him to way too many new emotions, some of which he'd never even felt before and he had no clue how to deal with them. And on top of all of those emotions was the cold hard truth. Ever present, ever annoying as hell yet they were facts he could not ignore no matter how hard he tried. She was human…we wasn't. It was as simple as that. How could they ever have a normal relationship?
"Raph?"
The mutant turtle took a long drag from his beer and, setting it back down, shook his head. "I dunno Case."
"Sure ya do," Casey replied, easily calling his bluff. "Listen Raph, I know what you're thinkin'…but why don't you just talk to her? Let her tell you how she feels before you go makin' up her mind for her."
"It aint that easy," Raph tried to argue, knowing full well it would get him nowhere. Next to him Casey Jones was the most stubborn guy he knew.
"You keep tellin' yourself that buddy," Casey muttered, wiping down the bar with a white rag. "But I guarantee you'd feel much better if you told her how ya felt. Besides, the girl deserves to know why you've been being such a jerk off today."
Raph smirked at his human friend, "Gee, thanks Casey."
"Well, you have been."
Instead of responding Raph studied the label on his bottle of beer, letting his mind wander aimlessly. Casey had a point. He would feel a hell of a lot better if he had at least some of those emotions off his chest. And Alex did have the right to make up her own mind. What could it hurt? Alex had to feel the same way or she wouldn't have let him kiss her. Yeah, she had to feel the same. Quickly finishing his beer he slapped some money on the bar and started to stand.
"You gonna do it then?" Casey asked.
After a moment of consideration Raph nodded. "Yeah. I think so."
"Better go quick then. Looks like you're not the only one who got a sudden flow of confidence." Casey jerked his head to the side and Raphael turned, coming face to face with the woman who had bought him the beer. He ducked his head so that she wouldn't see his face and shoved his hands in his pockets.
The woman, giving him a flirtatious smile, pressed her body against his arm and slipped a folded piece of paper into the breast pocket of his coat. "Give me a call if it doesn't work out," she whispered seductively as the strong smell of her perfume threatened to choke him. Jesus, hadn't this lady ever heard of playing hard to get? Finally she relinquished her hold on him, sliding her hand slowly down his arm before walking away, her slim hips swaying provocatively.
With deliberate slowness Raph lifted his head, fixing Casey with an interested look. "If what doesn't work out?" he asked.
Casey shrugged. "Who knows man? Chicks are strange. Oh, customer…gotta go. Good luck with Alex!"
"Thanks," he muttered the retreating back of his friend before turning on his heel and quickly heading for home. He was going on pure confidence right now and he had no idea when that would fail him. Hopefully it would stick around long enough for him to say everything he needed to say. Hopefully.
He reached home minutes later and passed through the living room without even bother to take his coat off. He paused only long enough to ask Michelangelo, who was sitting on the couch with a half eaten bowl of chips and watching a movie, if he had seen Alex.
"Yeah dude," the younger turtle said through a mouthful of chips, "she went to talk to Leo 'bout an hour ago."
"Thanks Mikey."
"No problem. Hey, you tell that girl she's supposed to be watchin' a movie with me!" he yelled after his brother.
Raph waved a hand in acknowledgment of his request and went down the hall to Leonardo's room, knocking once on the door and going in without waiting for a response. "Hey Leo, do you know where Alex-." His voice died off immediately as his eyes came to rest on the bed. Leonardo was lying on his back reading, his free arm wrapped loosely around Alex who was curled up beside him sleeping soundly, her hand resting on his chest.
Leo tensed and set his book aside. He could see the anger slowly come to life in his brother's eyes and knew that no matter what he said, Raph wouldn't believe a word of it. He was stuck.
Beside him Alex stirred and came to. She lifted her head from his shoulder and blinked several times to clear her vision. Confusion settled over her when she saw that she was lying next to him. How had she gotten there? She must have fallen asleep on him when he was regaling her with stories of Raphael's brave and often foolish exploits. She sat up, an apology ready on the tip of her tongue, and realized they were not alone.
Raphael stood in the doorway, staring at them with a mixture of astonishment and anger. Oh god, this probably didn't look good at all. "Raph-."
"Nice guys," he said, cutting her off. "Real fuckin' nice."
Alex watched him leave feeling as if her heart had just taken a swan dive to the pit of her stomach. Stumbling from the bed, she shot Leon an apologetic look and took off after Raph, determined to make him understand that what he had seen was not at all what it looked like. "Raph," she cried, catching up with him in the living room. "Raphael, please stop."
He ignored her, gritting his teeth together as he continued walking. He was too angry to even think straight at the moment and his confidence, needless to say, had been shattered. The last thing he wanted to do was face her.
"Raphael, please…just listen to me. It's not what it looked like!"
White-hot fury took control of him and he spun around to face her. "Oh, so you weren't just in a bed with my brother?" he demanded, close to shouting.
She shook her head. "No! Well…yes. But not-."
"Save it Alex," he growled, cutting her off again. "I don't even want to hear it." He shrugged his coat off and tossed it over the back of a chair before stalking down the hall to his room. He had every intention of slamming the door in her face or at least he had until he realized that she was no longer following him. So she was giving up without a fight? There was no way in hell he was going to let her do that. He turned around, surprised to see her standing at the end of the hallway, staring down at a piece of paper she held clutched between her trembling hands. "I knew it," he heard her say in a hoarse whisper.
She lifted her head; her cold blue eyes filled with angry tears and stared accusingly at him. "You fucking hypocrite."
Okay, he'd never heard her use THAT word before. That probably wasn't a good thing. Say something you idiot! His mind screamed. Defend yourself! Regrettably Raph's anger and his common sense had never agreed on anything before nor did his common sense ever win when paired against his anger. Now was no exception. "What's it to you anyway? Seems like you were pretty busy with someone else yourself!"
With a frustrated scream she pushed past him. "I told you it wasn't what it looked like! Can't you hear?!"
Throwing his hands up he followed after her. "Then why don't you tell me what the hell it was Alex?"
"God damn it Raph!" She whipped around to face him her eyes flashing dangerously, glistening with unshed tears. "I was trying to get some help on figuring you out!"
"Why?" he asked, some of his initial anger giving way to curiosity.
"Because," she started, making an obvious attempt to control her trembling voice, "when I have feelings for someone I like to know how they work and since you've got your…your ridiculous anger issues and your head stuck way too far up your ass to even realize anything I had to go to the next reliable source. And yes, maybe I should have talked to you but you were too busy avoiding me for no damn reason!!" Hastily brushing tears from her face she drew a shuddering breath. "Happy now?!"
He reached for her. "Alex-."
"No," she whispered, pulling away and retreating to the safety of her room.
The door slammed shut and Raphael winced as if he had been struck. Damn. How had he gotten himself into this mess? "Happy now?" her words echoed in his mind, the voice raw, angry, and above all…hurt. Was he happy? She had just told him that she liked him…she wanted to get to know him better. He couldn't remember a time in his life when he had been more miserable then he was now.