He would have wanted to see her the minute she got back from the Oracle. She actually didn't know why he hadn't requested her presence even before she had left. The thought churned in her head for a while before Solace remembered that she hadn't actually told anyone she had left, much less where she was going. Not standard procedure, not at all, and something she hadn't told the Council. But with Neo on board and the near-blind faith of Morpheus, they all got a little more leeway than on a more usual sort of ship with a more normal complement of crew.
Normal.
That was a word that hadn't applied to her life in weeks. Months. Every time she thought she was achieving some sense of normal again, something would happen that reminded her of what she had done. She'd catch her fingertips at her lips again, tracing where it had all happened. She'd catch a flash of color on the normally colorless ship, blue, and remember the look in his eyes. Things that she would never have thought to associate with him would remind her of what they'd done. Travesty. Blasphemy. It had to be, it went against all creed and doctrine of Zion. And yet they had.
Normal was far from her life now, and would always be.
She was curled up on her bunk, several hours after returning from the Oracle. The thoughts wouldn't quit, and they were intruded upon by thoughts of what she'd seen crawling up Tank's chest. To escape those thoughts she'd return to the dilemma of the Agent, and then vice versa. She really needed something else to think about.
And then, of course, to even think of such was to invite it in to supper. Morpheus knocked on her door the minute she'd decided to try and put both problems out of her head.
"Come in…" her voice was softer than she would have liked, but still even. It would be all right, somehow.
"Solace…" he nodded politely. She'd always liked that about the Neb's captain, how he treated everyone with equal respect from Commander Locke down to the lowliest dish-scrubber. Not all of the captains were so forgiving.
"Morpheus." She smiled a little. "I suppose you're looking to know what I found out from the Oracle."
"If you want to tell me…" Dying as he must have been of curiosity, he still left it up to her. "What the Oracle says…"
"Is for each person alone, I know." She smiled a little. "She didn't say anything about Neo, though, so I'm afraid you'll be disappointed."
"Tell me anyway," he said, and she had the feeling he was saying it not so much to hear what the Oracle had to say, but because he thought she needed to tell him. Maybe she did. Maybe it was time she stopped carrying on such a dangerous affair on his boat. Or maybe she just needed to tell one of the most notorious priests of the Zion catechism and see if she was truly damned.
"It has to do with the …" she didn't want to call it an experiment anymore. "… with the idea I had, when you were reporting to the Council about the Agents…"
She told him everything but the part about the other AIs, and the specifics of exactly which Agent it had been. If Tank hadn't told Morpheus then she certainly wasn't going to, not with their past history. Some things might be forgiven if the faces didn't have names put to them, but if she told him that her Agent was the one who had killed Neo, she didn't think she'd ever live that one down. He watched, clearly with more than a little concern as the relationship between herself and the nameless Agent deepened, but without saying anything. She was grateful for that. Finally she was done, and sat waiting for him to reply.
"Are you sure?" he asked finally.
"About…" she started to ask him to clarify, then shrugged. "Not really. I'm not sure about any of it. I'm not even sure…" What I feel, she meant to say. Except she was sure, pretty sure, pretty damn sure. She'd felt it before, twice. And whether or not the recipient, the object of those feelings was in any position to reciprocate, that didn't mean she had to swim down de Nile. "Well. I'm sure about one thing."
"Oh?" Morpheus asked, curious.
She gave him a very direct, very feminine sort of look.
"Oh. That."
She refrained from the traditional eyeroll, and settled for a tolerant smile. Gossip traveled fast amongst the ship-board, especially women, who were in the minority. She'd heard a great deal from Niobe, even second- and third-hand. "I'm not sure about any of the rest of it, though. I don't… it just doesn't seem right. It doesn't even seem likely, much less possible. But the Oracle…"
"Sometimes what the Oracle says is not necessarily what is literally true." He sounded more as though he was trying to convince himself rather than her. She wanted to believe it, but it was a lot harder when she'd been living it for the past three months.
"I know. But…" Solace shook her head. "I know and I don't know. I mean, I know what… some of what's been going on. But I don't know what to do now. I don't even know if this was a good idea, for all I can think it might be the most catastrophic thing to happen since the sky went black."
They were silent for a little while. It was getting easier to tell people; she'd already told just about everyone on the ship. Except for Dis, but after his last little stunt she wasn't sure whether telling him would result in more backhanded attempts to make her feel better or… something. She wasn't sure what. She wasn't sure about him anymore. She wasn't sure about anything anymore. Neo and Trinity had handled it all right. But Tank was still the only one who knew which Agent she had taken up with. She still didn't dare use the L word.
"What are you going to do?" he asked.
Solace took a deep breath, wanting to say that she didn't have the slightest idea what she was going to do. What she really wanted, what she almost craved was an order. Even if it was just to stay away from the Agent, she wanted an order. Some kind of structure to the chaos that had become her life. "I don't know what I'm going to do," she said after a while. "But…" She had said it was over. That it was done. She had meant it at the time.
"But…" Morpheus knew what she wanted to do. Neither of them were going to say it before the other, which meant it wasn't going to be said, but they both knew what she wanted. He stared down at his hands, and she stared at him. It was the living definition of an uncomfortable silence.
"It's impossible," she whispered. "The whole situation is impossible."
"No…" Morpheus replied slowly, and she jerked her head back up to stare at him. "It's not."
Stunned, staring. "What?"
"You said it yourself in your first speech to the Council. The Agents are built to look like us, to mimic our responses and abilities so that they will not be noticed by the majority of the humans, those who are still plugged in. Because of that, whether intended by the machines or not, they are developing human responses."
It was unexpected, to say the least. "You believe that?"
"I believe…" he paused. "I believe that you are right. Hatred, the kind of hatred I saw in Agent Smith when I was a prisoner of the Agents, is a human emotion. It is not something I would have expected to see from the Agents, although of course at the time…"
"At the time it wasn't relevant…" she nodded slowly. "Now it is. It may be. There's so much about the Agents that we don't understand, that maybe we should, if only so that we can live through more encounters…" There was so much about the way the AI world worked that no one understood because everyone was too busy trying to escape it, to bring it down. But she didn't say that. One step at a time, one change, one heresy turned apocrypha turned canon at a time. Besides, none of that helped her decide what to do about …
"Smith…"
He had broken into her very thoughts. She stared at him again, horrified. "What…?"
"If it weren't too dangerous, I would almost suggest that you make Smith your next target…" he continued, mistaking the reasons for her apprehension. "But I don't think…"
"No." Too close. He was far too close. And she silently begged the Agent's forgiveness for the words she was about to say, even though she was damn sure she'd never tell him about ths conversation. "Smith… if he feels emotions they're all dark. All the bad ones. It… probably wouldn't be a good idea."
"No." Understatement of the century. "But it's a good thought. A good idea…" He stood up again. "You should keep going, if you can find another. Perhaps, in the end, you will lead us to a different way out."
It was the first time she'd heard him say that about anyone other than Neo. She blinked, but he was gone before she could ask him to clarify.
A different way out, though.
Solace stretched back out on the bunk, new thoughts whirling through her mind.
Normal.
That was a word that hadn't applied to her life in weeks. Months. Every time she thought she was achieving some sense of normal again, something would happen that reminded her of what she had done. She'd catch her fingertips at her lips again, tracing where it had all happened. She'd catch a flash of color on the normally colorless ship, blue, and remember the look in his eyes. Things that she would never have thought to associate with him would remind her of what they'd done. Travesty. Blasphemy. It had to be, it went against all creed and doctrine of Zion. And yet they had.
Normal was far from her life now, and would always be.
She was curled up on her bunk, several hours after returning from the Oracle. The thoughts wouldn't quit, and they were intruded upon by thoughts of what she'd seen crawling up Tank's chest. To escape those thoughts she'd return to the dilemma of the Agent, and then vice versa. She really needed something else to think about.
And then, of course, to even think of such was to invite it in to supper. Morpheus knocked on her door the minute she'd decided to try and put both problems out of her head.
"Come in…" her voice was softer than she would have liked, but still even. It would be all right, somehow.
"Solace…" he nodded politely. She'd always liked that about the Neb's captain, how he treated everyone with equal respect from Commander Locke down to the lowliest dish-scrubber. Not all of the captains were so forgiving.
"Morpheus." She smiled a little. "I suppose you're looking to know what I found out from the Oracle."
"If you want to tell me…" Dying as he must have been of curiosity, he still left it up to her. "What the Oracle says…"
"Is for each person alone, I know." She smiled a little. "She didn't say anything about Neo, though, so I'm afraid you'll be disappointed."
"Tell me anyway," he said, and she had the feeling he was saying it not so much to hear what the Oracle had to say, but because he thought she needed to tell him. Maybe she did. Maybe it was time she stopped carrying on such a dangerous affair on his boat. Or maybe she just needed to tell one of the most notorious priests of the Zion catechism and see if she was truly damned.
"It has to do with the …" she didn't want to call it an experiment anymore. "… with the idea I had, when you were reporting to the Council about the Agents…"
She told him everything but the part about the other AIs, and the specifics of exactly which Agent it had been. If Tank hadn't told Morpheus then she certainly wasn't going to, not with their past history. Some things might be forgiven if the faces didn't have names put to them, but if she told him that her Agent was the one who had killed Neo, she didn't think she'd ever live that one down. He watched, clearly with more than a little concern as the relationship between herself and the nameless Agent deepened, but without saying anything. She was grateful for that. Finally she was done, and sat waiting for him to reply.
"Are you sure?" he asked finally.
"About…" she started to ask him to clarify, then shrugged. "Not really. I'm not sure about any of it. I'm not even sure…" What I feel, she meant to say. Except she was sure, pretty sure, pretty damn sure. She'd felt it before, twice. And whether or not the recipient, the object of those feelings was in any position to reciprocate, that didn't mean she had to swim down de Nile. "Well. I'm sure about one thing."
"Oh?" Morpheus asked, curious.
She gave him a very direct, very feminine sort of look.
"Oh. That."
She refrained from the traditional eyeroll, and settled for a tolerant smile. Gossip traveled fast amongst the ship-board, especially women, who were in the minority. She'd heard a great deal from Niobe, even second- and third-hand. "I'm not sure about any of the rest of it, though. I don't… it just doesn't seem right. It doesn't even seem likely, much less possible. But the Oracle…"
"Sometimes what the Oracle says is not necessarily what is literally true." He sounded more as though he was trying to convince himself rather than her. She wanted to believe it, but it was a lot harder when she'd been living it for the past three months.
"I know. But…" Solace shook her head. "I know and I don't know. I mean, I know what… some of what's been going on. But I don't know what to do now. I don't even know if this was a good idea, for all I can think it might be the most catastrophic thing to happen since the sky went black."
They were silent for a little while. It was getting easier to tell people; she'd already told just about everyone on the ship. Except for Dis, but after his last little stunt she wasn't sure whether telling him would result in more backhanded attempts to make her feel better or… something. She wasn't sure what. She wasn't sure about him anymore. She wasn't sure about anything anymore. Neo and Trinity had handled it all right. But Tank was still the only one who knew which Agent she had taken up with. She still didn't dare use the L word.
"What are you going to do?" he asked.
Solace took a deep breath, wanting to say that she didn't have the slightest idea what she was going to do. What she really wanted, what she almost craved was an order. Even if it was just to stay away from the Agent, she wanted an order. Some kind of structure to the chaos that had become her life. "I don't know what I'm going to do," she said after a while. "But…" She had said it was over. That it was done. She had meant it at the time.
"But…" Morpheus knew what she wanted to do. Neither of them were going to say it before the other, which meant it wasn't going to be said, but they both knew what she wanted. He stared down at his hands, and she stared at him. It was the living definition of an uncomfortable silence.
"It's impossible," she whispered. "The whole situation is impossible."
"No…" Morpheus replied slowly, and she jerked her head back up to stare at him. "It's not."
Stunned, staring. "What?"
"You said it yourself in your first speech to the Council. The Agents are built to look like us, to mimic our responses and abilities so that they will not be noticed by the majority of the humans, those who are still plugged in. Because of that, whether intended by the machines or not, they are developing human responses."
It was unexpected, to say the least. "You believe that?"
"I believe…" he paused. "I believe that you are right. Hatred, the kind of hatred I saw in Agent Smith when I was a prisoner of the Agents, is a human emotion. It is not something I would have expected to see from the Agents, although of course at the time…"
"At the time it wasn't relevant…" she nodded slowly. "Now it is. It may be. There's so much about the Agents that we don't understand, that maybe we should, if only so that we can live through more encounters…" There was so much about the way the AI world worked that no one understood because everyone was too busy trying to escape it, to bring it down. But she didn't say that. One step at a time, one change, one heresy turned apocrypha turned canon at a time. Besides, none of that helped her decide what to do about …
"Smith…"
He had broken into her very thoughts. She stared at him again, horrified. "What…?"
"If it weren't too dangerous, I would almost suggest that you make Smith your next target…" he continued, mistaking the reasons for her apprehension. "But I don't think…"
"No." Too close. He was far too close. And she silently begged the Agent's forgiveness for the words she was about to say, even though she was damn sure she'd never tell him about ths conversation. "Smith… if he feels emotions they're all dark. All the bad ones. It… probably wouldn't be a good idea."
"No." Understatement of the century. "But it's a good thought. A good idea…" He stood up again. "You should keep going, if you can find another. Perhaps, in the end, you will lead us to a different way out."
It was the first time she'd heard him say that about anyone other than Neo. She blinked, but he was gone before she could ask him to clarify.
A different way out, though.
Solace stretched back out on the bunk, new thoughts whirling through her mind.