A/N: This is a very interesting chapter, but was very difficult to write.
I do hope it doesn't disappoint.
I obviously own nothing that you recognize, except the plot.
***
In the fast darkening room, the flickering fire light illuminated Hermione's tense face. She slid her eyes up to Snape's and found him already watching her whilst wearing a calm expression of patience she could not imagine him feeling. His gaze was unwavering but when Hermione felt the arms that were holding her begin to loosen she instinctively pressed closer, and the professor's expression became a little strained. She looked at him pleadingly.
"Don't let me go," she whispered harshly. "Please?"
He began to frown at her strange request but did not refuse it, and once again gathered her closer. Hermione closed her eyes and dipped her head into his chest, trying to draw some strength from his embrace. The heavy wool that formed his outer robes was rough against her cheek, but warm and slightly imbued with his musky scent and she was not consciously aware of the little sigh that escaped her lips as she pressed herself closer still. Snape shifted against her and Hermione almost expected him to push her away, but instead she felt a hand move up her back and come to rest tangled in the hair at the back of her head. The hand exerted enough pressure so that Hermione was forced to tilt her head backwards and open her eyes.
"Look at me," Snape admonished her softly, and as she struggled to move her gaze away the hand tightened on her head. "No, look at me."
She looked at him. Brown eyes mingled with black ones. Their breathing slowed. Time seemed to stand still for a moment, and Hermione felt herself connect with the man who was holding her in a way she had not thought possible. A myriad of emotions assaulted her at once, and combined with the knowledge that he had been there for her throughout this difficult time they took her breath away. Frowning in concentration, she reached up a hand that had until then been laying flat against his chest and ran it slowly up one side of his cheek, curving her palm into his face. She watched as his lips curved into a smile and was more than a little surprised when he turned the smile into her hand, laying a soft kiss against the skin on her palm.
"Such distraction," he muttered huskily, and Hermione felt the words as his lips formed them against her hand. His eyes narrowed a little, and then widened so that she might see that they were almost opaque with something she recognized as an intense longing.
For me, she realized with a jolt. He wants me.
This shocking revelation was tempered somewhat by the fact that it was swiftly followed up when Hermione felt her heart declare a mutual, if frightening response. She was not aware of it, but her own eyes darkened as she continued to watch him and the tightening of his hands upon her body suggested that he understood what it was she was silently telling him. Snape leaned over her, his mouth mere inches from her own.
"We should be talking," he murmured warningly, even as his lips claimed hers.
"I know," Hermione whispered into his kiss. "But not . . . just yet . . ."
Silence blanketed the tower room for long minutes then, only broken by the inconsequential snapping of the fire burning in the grate. Neither Hermione nor Severus heard the soft sounds, so immersed were they in the other. When their kiss finally resolved itself, they were slowly circling in the enclosed space like dancers trapped in a timeless tango.
Hermione laid her head back upon Snape's chest as he turned her deftly about, wondering where all of this was leading her but too afraid to take that final step that would let her find out. Tightening her resolve, she silently promised herself that one day, when this was all over, she would know. Glancing up at him now, she knew full well that he had come to mean more to her in the course of days than many of the people she had known for years. He was her protector, she acknowledged with a small smile, and at the same time he was the last person she would have chosen for the job. Fate could be so strange. She closed her eyes and drew upon the well of courage that she knew was to be found in her heart. Using the well practiced technique of disconnecting her emotions from her voice, Hermione opened her mouth and let the words tumble forth. She intended to tell Snape everything, and once she began to talk, she knew that it was too late to renege on her promise.
"Did you know, Professor, that Harry and I were together when we were in our final year here?" Although a rhetorical question, she fully expected the indignant snort that came from Snape, somewhere above her head. "I know, we did little to conceal it from anyone. But we were young, and I don't think that we knew, really, how to hide the way we felt about each other. There seemed little reason to at the time." Hermione's lips pursed a little as she lifted the memories from their carefully filed spaces in her head. "I presumed myself too in love to really consider the consequences of our relationship. The war was already beginning, we were all in danger but Harry and those closest to him most of all," she shook her head into his chest. "I so wanted to be near to him, to keep him safe. He was my best friend . . ." her voice trailed away into the dark, and Snape stilled her in his arms.
"Your best friend?" He echoed her statement softly.
"It did not take long for me to realize that Harry made a better friend than boyfriend. We were really . . . not compatible, in some ways at least. He was kind and gentle and very loving, but I never felt that spark for him, could never move properly beyond the idea that he was my friend. I was hoping that Harry would realize as well, that he would suffer the same doubts that I had . . . but you see, he never did! He used to tell everyone how mad he was about me." Hermione's mouth curved into an uncertain smile, and she shook her head in order to dispel sudden unwelcome thoughts. "I won't lie to you, I enjoyed the attention that being with Harry brought me, but as time passed something changed between us. He became . . . very overzealous, I think. He wanted to spend all his time with me; he didn't want to study, to play Quidditch, any of it. It was suffocating. He didn't like me talking to our other friends if he wasn't there, he was very jealous, he could be possessive when the mood took him. I became frightened, but it was just when I had made the decision to break up with him that he . . . he . . ." Hermione stumbled to a halt and bit her lip miserably. Severus gave her a little shake, his concerned eyes not leaving hers.
"He didn't hurt you, did he?" He asked her in a hushed voice. Hermione shook her head firmly.
"Not in the way that you think," she admonished him gently. Her eyes took on a faraway look. "It was late June, as I remember. He had taken me to the astronomy tower, to talk, he said, and I had already decided that I would be doing some talking of my own. . ." she paused to draw a shuddering breath.
"He wanted us to be just like his parents, Severus. He wanted us to get married!"
"But you were only children!" Snape looked visibly shocked.
"Harry was so insecure. He thought that by marrying me he could somehow combine his need for keeping me with him always with us keeping each other safe. It would never have worked." Her eyes stared into his unblinkingly, her anguish was clearly evident. "I believe then as I believe now: Marrying Harry would have been a terrible mistake."
"I had to tell him the truth then, and I had to put an end to it once and for all. I've never forgotten the look on his face when I refused him, so angry yet so crushed at the same time. He said then that wanted nothing to do with me, he never wanted to see me again. I think it's probably a good job he didn't have his wand with him, he wanted to hex me there and then." Hermione tumbled back into her reverie, her eyes became distant as the only sound to be heard was the crackling of the fire.
"Hermione?" Snape stirred her several minutes later. She looked up at him dully. "Please continue."
Hermione lifted one shoulder in a half shrug.
"What more do you need to know? My parents were killed a week after, even though I didn't need the excuse. My mind had already been made up, I had to leave! I couldn't stay here, not with him, not after mum and dad . . . Dumbledore arranged everything else, although he felt it all unnecessary, on the condition that I would never willingly return. I didn't expect any of this, and I never knew that my actions would lead to . . . such a mess."
Strong hands rested either side of her face, fingers smoothing away the frown lines that wrinkled her forehead.
"None of this is your fault," he spoke sternly, forcing her to listen to him. "You must not believe that you are to blame."
"Of course I'm to blame!" Hermione's voice was shrill. "If I had told Harry the truth instead of pretending all those months he would never have thought . . . never have tried . . . maybe if I had done what he wanted he wouldn't be lying in the hospital wing dying!"
Snape's hand closed abruptly over her mouth, silencing her.
"No. Forcing yourself into a marriage that you do not believe in is no better than the way Harry is now. Do not live your life in accordance with the wishes of other people. Your self imposed exile proves nothing if you cannot forgive yourself for something you did when you were little more than a child."
"But I did that to him! Me!" Hermione's voice was muffled by his hand, but insistent. Snape leaned into her, shaking his dark head with equal insistence.
"No, Hermione. You did not." Removing his hand he rubbed her shoulders gently. "You made the right choice, whether you regret it or not. You were only children, you said yourself that you did not love him. That is no basis for a happy marriage."
Hermione nodded mutely, knowing that what he said was true, yet still not daring to believe it.
"You know you are here to help him, and if you can, consider your debt repaid hmm? It has been a long time. You may find that the adult Harry Potter is significantly different from the one you knew."
"Perhaps," she conceded quietly. "But that remains to be seen, doesn't it?"
"Yes, Hermione," he nodded, a little grimly. "It does."
TBC
I obviously own nothing that you recognize, except the plot.
***
In the fast darkening room, the flickering fire light illuminated Hermione's tense face. She slid her eyes up to Snape's and found him already watching her whilst wearing a calm expression of patience she could not imagine him feeling. His gaze was unwavering but when Hermione felt the arms that were holding her begin to loosen she instinctively pressed closer, and the professor's expression became a little strained. She looked at him pleadingly.
"Don't let me go," she whispered harshly. "Please?"
He began to frown at her strange request but did not refuse it, and once again gathered her closer. Hermione closed her eyes and dipped her head into his chest, trying to draw some strength from his embrace. The heavy wool that formed his outer robes was rough against her cheek, but warm and slightly imbued with his musky scent and she was not consciously aware of the little sigh that escaped her lips as she pressed herself closer still. Snape shifted against her and Hermione almost expected him to push her away, but instead she felt a hand move up her back and come to rest tangled in the hair at the back of her head. The hand exerted enough pressure so that Hermione was forced to tilt her head backwards and open her eyes.
"Look at me," Snape admonished her softly, and as she struggled to move her gaze away the hand tightened on her head. "No, look at me."
She looked at him. Brown eyes mingled with black ones. Their breathing slowed. Time seemed to stand still for a moment, and Hermione felt herself connect with the man who was holding her in a way she had not thought possible. A myriad of emotions assaulted her at once, and combined with the knowledge that he had been there for her throughout this difficult time they took her breath away. Frowning in concentration, she reached up a hand that had until then been laying flat against his chest and ran it slowly up one side of his cheek, curving her palm into his face. She watched as his lips curved into a smile and was more than a little surprised when he turned the smile into her hand, laying a soft kiss against the skin on her palm.
"Such distraction," he muttered huskily, and Hermione felt the words as his lips formed them against her hand. His eyes narrowed a little, and then widened so that she might see that they were almost opaque with something she recognized as an intense longing.
For me, she realized with a jolt. He wants me.
This shocking revelation was tempered somewhat by the fact that it was swiftly followed up when Hermione felt her heart declare a mutual, if frightening response. She was not aware of it, but her own eyes darkened as she continued to watch him and the tightening of his hands upon her body suggested that he understood what it was she was silently telling him. Snape leaned over her, his mouth mere inches from her own.
"We should be talking," he murmured warningly, even as his lips claimed hers.
"I know," Hermione whispered into his kiss. "But not . . . just yet . . ."
Silence blanketed the tower room for long minutes then, only broken by the inconsequential snapping of the fire burning in the grate. Neither Hermione nor Severus heard the soft sounds, so immersed were they in the other. When their kiss finally resolved itself, they were slowly circling in the enclosed space like dancers trapped in a timeless tango.
Hermione laid her head back upon Snape's chest as he turned her deftly about, wondering where all of this was leading her but too afraid to take that final step that would let her find out. Tightening her resolve, she silently promised herself that one day, when this was all over, she would know. Glancing up at him now, she knew full well that he had come to mean more to her in the course of days than many of the people she had known for years. He was her protector, she acknowledged with a small smile, and at the same time he was the last person she would have chosen for the job. Fate could be so strange. She closed her eyes and drew upon the well of courage that she knew was to be found in her heart. Using the well practiced technique of disconnecting her emotions from her voice, Hermione opened her mouth and let the words tumble forth. She intended to tell Snape everything, and once she began to talk, she knew that it was too late to renege on her promise.
"Did you know, Professor, that Harry and I were together when we were in our final year here?" Although a rhetorical question, she fully expected the indignant snort that came from Snape, somewhere above her head. "I know, we did little to conceal it from anyone. But we were young, and I don't think that we knew, really, how to hide the way we felt about each other. There seemed little reason to at the time." Hermione's lips pursed a little as she lifted the memories from their carefully filed spaces in her head. "I presumed myself too in love to really consider the consequences of our relationship. The war was already beginning, we were all in danger but Harry and those closest to him most of all," she shook her head into his chest. "I so wanted to be near to him, to keep him safe. He was my best friend . . ." her voice trailed away into the dark, and Snape stilled her in his arms.
"Your best friend?" He echoed her statement softly.
"It did not take long for me to realize that Harry made a better friend than boyfriend. We were really . . . not compatible, in some ways at least. He was kind and gentle and very loving, but I never felt that spark for him, could never move properly beyond the idea that he was my friend. I was hoping that Harry would realize as well, that he would suffer the same doubts that I had . . . but you see, he never did! He used to tell everyone how mad he was about me." Hermione's mouth curved into an uncertain smile, and she shook her head in order to dispel sudden unwelcome thoughts. "I won't lie to you, I enjoyed the attention that being with Harry brought me, but as time passed something changed between us. He became . . . very overzealous, I think. He wanted to spend all his time with me; he didn't want to study, to play Quidditch, any of it. It was suffocating. He didn't like me talking to our other friends if he wasn't there, he was very jealous, he could be possessive when the mood took him. I became frightened, but it was just when I had made the decision to break up with him that he . . . he . . ." Hermione stumbled to a halt and bit her lip miserably. Severus gave her a little shake, his concerned eyes not leaving hers.
"He didn't hurt you, did he?" He asked her in a hushed voice. Hermione shook her head firmly.
"Not in the way that you think," she admonished him gently. Her eyes took on a faraway look. "It was late June, as I remember. He had taken me to the astronomy tower, to talk, he said, and I had already decided that I would be doing some talking of my own. . ." she paused to draw a shuddering breath.
"He wanted us to be just like his parents, Severus. He wanted us to get married!"
"But you were only children!" Snape looked visibly shocked.
"Harry was so insecure. He thought that by marrying me he could somehow combine his need for keeping me with him always with us keeping each other safe. It would never have worked." Her eyes stared into his unblinkingly, her anguish was clearly evident. "I believe then as I believe now: Marrying Harry would have been a terrible mistake."
"I had to tell him the truth then, and I had to put an end to it once and for all. I've never forgotten the look on his face when I refused him, so angry yet so crushed at the same time. He said then that wanted nothing to do with me, he never wanted to see me again. I think it's probably a good job he didn't have his wand with him, he wanted to hex me there and then." Hermione tumbled back into her reverie, her eyes became distant as the only sound to be heard was the crackling of the fire.
"Hermione?" Snape stirred her several minutes later. She looked up at him dully. "Please continue."
Hermione lifted one shoulder in a half shrug.
"What more do you need to know? My parents were killed a week after, even though I didn't need the excuse. My mind had already been made up, I had to leave! I couldn't stay here, not with him, not after mum and dad . . . Dumbledore arranged everything else, although he felt it all unnecessary, on the condition that I would never willingly return. I didn't expect any of this, and I never knew that my actions would lead to . . . such a mess."
Strong hands rested either side of her face, fingers smoothing away the frown lines that wrinkled her forehead.
"None of this is your fault," he spoke sternly, forcing her to listen to him. "You must not believe that you are to blame."
"Of course I'm to blame!" Hermione's voice was shrill. "If I had told Harry the truth instead of pretending all those months he would never have thought . . . never have tried . . . maybe if I had done what he wanted he wouldn't be lying in the hospital wing dying!"
Snape's hand closed abruptly over her mouth, silencing her.
"No. Forcing yourself into a marriage that you do not believe in is no better than the way Harry is now. Do not live your life in accordance with the wishes of other people. Your self imposed exile proves nothing if you cannot forgive yourself for something you did when you were little more than a child."
"But I did that to him! Me!" Hermione's voice was muffled by his hand, but insistent. Snape leaned into her, shaking his dark head with equal insistence.
"No, Hermione. You did not." Removing his hand he rubbed her shoulders gently. "You made the right choice, whether you regret it or not. You were only children, you said yourself that you did not love him. That is no basis for a happy marriage."
Hermione nodded mutely, knowing that what he said was true, yet still not daring to believe it.
"You know you are here to help him, and if you can, consider your debt repaid hmm? It has been a long time. You may find that the adult Harry Potter is significantly different from the one you knew."
"Perhaps," she conceded quietly. "But that remains to be seen, doesn't it?"
"Yes, Hermione," he nodded, a little grimly. "It does."
TBC