Chapter 5 – The Pig Cake
The Yuletide having been duly celebrated, it now fell to the boys to spend the next few days playing Wizard's Chess, napping, eating, going to the Muggle movies, resting, purchasing sweets, sleeping, eating some more, and playing more Wizard's Chess. Severus proudly wore his new red sweater "in keeping with the season", telling Mr. Potter that he owned only dark- colored clothing and that it was a nice change. Mrs. Potter said the color suited his beautiful dark eyes, which caused him to blush nearly as red as the garment.
---------
One morning shortly before the New Year, both boys awoke to the smell of baking. Of course, this compelled both to stagger down the front stairs to discern the cause, and eat it if they could.
Severus stared at the magnificent three-layered chocolate cake. It had been freshly iced, and the chocolate dripped down its sides in decadent splendor.
"That is the finest chocolate cake I've ever seen, Mrs. Potter," he said, heartily meaning it.
"It's not really a chocolate cake, Sev," James corrected him. ""It's a Pig Cake."
Mrs. Potter rolled her eyes and shook her head, a smirk on her face. "Not another one, Jimmie," she said.
Severus had no idea what was going on. He had never heard of a Pig Cake before and couldn't imagine what the two of them were talking about.
"Please, Mum? Even though it's not my birthday?"
Mrs. Potter sighed deeply.
"Well, hey, forgot to tell you, Mum! It's Sev's birthday today! Can you imagine the coincidence? Those odds must be astronomical!" He dragged his finger through the fresh icing. His mother smacked his hand.
Severus tensed, ready to flee the kitchen if she was going to start hitting him.
"Take it easy, buddy," James said, sucking the icing off his finger. "You'll like Pig Cake!"
"Actually, it was my birthday last – "
"I know, I know. But SHE doesn't know that," James replied, jerking his thumb at his mother, who shook her head again. She laughed this time.
Severus relaxed, since that meant she wouldn't start yelling or smacking them around. "Um – what's a Pig Cake?"
"You'll see at dinner. C'mon. It's nearly noon, and there's Quidditch goals to be scored!" James shrugged on a heavy jacket and a pair of gloves, and opened the back door with a bang which made Severus jump. Mrs. Potter looked at the slender boy with sympathy and understanding, and waited until he had put on his own coat so that she could button the top button for him.
Mystified, Severus pulled on his black watch cap and gloves and followed James out the door.
-------
The boys came back hours later, noses and ears bright red and their cheeks chapped with windburn.
"I'd tell you to wash up," Mr. Potter said, looking up from reading the newspaper, "but don't see the point."
What did that mean, Severus wondered. He looked at the kitchen table. Instead of the expected evening meal, it was covered with a plastic tablecloth. The giant cake sat right in the middle on a white china plate.
"Your mother and I are going out for fish and chips later," Mr. Potter said, turning a page. "You fellows go right on ahead and enjoy an early dinner."
"Come on, Sev," James declared, spinning Severus around and giving him a little push. "Time for the sweatshirts."
--------------
Both returned to the table a few minutes later. Severus wore an old sweatshirt of James'; it was his first time in Muggle clothes. Mrs. Potter had her arms crossed and was leaning against the drain board. Severus saw that she had a Brownie Starflash – a Muggle camera – next to the breadbox. What on Earth was going to happen?
"Step on up, Sev my man," James said confidently. "This here is a Pig Cake. I only eat Pig Cake once a year, on my birthday. But since it's your birthday today," – Mr. Potter chuckled, shook his head, and turned to the Deaths and Weather page. "– this is YOUR Pig Cake. This is SPECIAL. See? Mum even has the camera out so we can record this meal for posterity!"
Severus wasn't sure what to do. "Where are the plates and forks?" he tentatively ventured.
"You don't need plates and forks for Pig Cake," said James. "The thing about Pig Cake is that you have to use your fingers."
The Slytherin boy looked at the Gryffindor as if he had grown another head. "Are you serious?" he gasped.
He never liked it when he couldn't follow everything going on around him. The more he knew, the more he could protect himself when things went bad. He looked around now to make sure his back was closest to the nearest exit.
"Yup. Attend, Severus. This is how we eat Pig Cake." James twiddled his fingers and stuck them into the center of the cake, dragging off a chunk and stuffing it into his mouth.
"Mmmmrfm," he said, gesturing at Severus to have a go at it.
Snape extended his index finger and scooped out nice gout of icing. He popped it into his mouth and smiled. It was delicious.
James grabbed another handful, and tried to eat the whole thing at once. What couldn't fit into his mouth fell upon the tablecloth.
Severus became anxious. He had been beaten nearly to unconsciousness for less in his own home. His eyes darted over to Mr. Potter, who turned another page. "You go ahead and enjoy yourselves, boys," he commented and returned to his own business.
Severus was astounded. This was all right with James' parents!
Grinning, he used his left hand this time and crammed the great wad of cake into his mouth. James' eye caught his and both boys began to laugh.
It was a disaster to laugh with a mouthful of Pig Cake. Severus spun around with both hands over his mouth to make sure he didn't spray Mrs. P with the overage.
"Mmmmmmmm, Jaaaaaaaaames want a biiiiiiiiiiiig piece of Piiiiiiiig Cake!" his friend said, grabbing a chunk with both hands. Severus actually began to laugh out loud, another first. James cleaned his fingers by wiping them down Sev's front. "Eeeeewie GOOOOIEEE!" he shrieked.
Now getting the idea, Sev scooped up a clot and wiped it across James' face, smearing one of his lenses with his index finger.
"Ohhhhhhh, BIRTHDAY BOY GONNA DIE!!!" he yelled, grabbing a handful and smearing new "eyebrows" on Severus' face.
"Smile for the birdie," Mrs. Potter sang, taking a picture.
-----------------
The two sixteen-year-olds spent a glorious quarter hour cramming cake down their gullets or wiping it in each other's hair. Severus had never laughed harder in his life. He couldn't believe the Potters allowed such things. He never had fun at his own home like this, or hadn't, anyway, until his father went to jail.
"MMmmfrfb bluggy blurb," James said, then swallowed. "Let's take a real nice picture for Lily, all right?"
At that, Sev shoved cake up James' nose. James crammed cake into Snape's ears. Both boys hooted and shrieked in glee. Mrs. Potter took another picture of the mess. By this time, there was far more cake on the tablecloth and on the floor than remained on the white china plate. Sev used an elbow to grind cake into James' hairline. "I have only one comment," he said solemnly.
For a moment, James thought he was going to freak out. Severus Snape ordinarily wasn't the kind of person who took to having cake shoved up his nostrils.
"What's that?" asked Mr. Potter, still reading the evening news.
"Where's the milk?"
At this, James mimicked going berserk, running over to the refrigerator, opening it, and bringing out a large carton of milk. "COWABUNGA!" he shrieked, and made as if he was about to dump it over Sev's head.
"Nooooooooooo! Birthday boy IMMUNITY!" the Slytherin cried, his cake- covered fingers jittering over the kitchen doorknob.
"NO IMMYOONITEEEE!!!!!!! NO IMMYOONITEEEE!!!!" James Potter shouted, chasing Severus outside and into the snow, where he drenched him with the entire contents of the milk carton.
"GONNA FREEEEEEEZE!" Severus shrieked before he slipped and took a header into a snow bank.
"ICE CREAM! ICE CREAM!" James crowed, scrubbing his own face, hair, and clothing with snow. "GOES GOOD WITH PIG CAKE!"
Mr. and Mrs. Potter smiled fondly at one another. "That Slytherin boy is such a serious little soul," she commented, wiping cake from the refrigerator and back kitchen doors. "I thought it would be fun for them."
"Ready to head out to dinner, Mother?" Mr. Potter said. "We'll leave this mess until we're sure they're too tired to trash the kitchen again."
Mrs. Potter stuck her head out the back door, putting the porch light on. She observed the two laughing boys in the middle of a furious snowball fight.
"We'll be back soon, boys," she said mildly. A couple of porch lights from nearby homes went on. "Try not to bother the neighbors for too long, dears."
"THAAAAAAANK MUM FOR PIIIIIIIIIIG CAKE!" James cried.
"THAAAAAAAAAK YOUUUU MUM FOR GOOOOOOD PIG CAKE!" Severus hollered, bowing in a showy gesture. This gave James a chance to sneak by and flip him into the snow again.
A few moments went by, and Severus didn't react. James was sure he had finally reached critical mass with the sensitive boy, until Sev shot up with twin handfuls of snow, which he jammed down James' neck.
"Quiet, please," the old lady next door admonished the boys.
"Hurry in, I don't want to lose all the heat in the house," Mrs. Potter said, gesturing them in and slamming the door behind them.
"My hands are frozen," Sev laughed. "I can't even feel my fingers!"
"Your hair is frozen, too," James said, reaching out and breaking a milk icicle that hung on the end of Severus' forelock. "Time for hot showers! Meeeee first!"
Mr. Potter's hand shot out, grabbing his son's ice-cold, clammy, and cake- begrimed sweatshirt. "You let your guest go first, please!" Severus hesitated, afraid that James' father would hit him for such a breach. When he saw that all danger was past, he grinned and ran upstairs for first dibs at getting both clean and warm.
"Thanks, Mom and Dad," James said, bending down to pick a glot of cake from behind the wastebasket. "Sev has had a pretty bad life, and I thought this would be good for him."
"I gathered that, Son," Mr. Potter remarked, pulling on his galoshes.
"Well, at least the old man's in Azkaban." James grinned. "Well, g'night, Mum and Dad!" He strode out of the kitchen with a spring in his step..
"Azkaban's the best place in the world for him," James' mother said, picking up the edges of the tablecloth and folding them to the center. "Nasty old sod."
---------------
"It was fun being a disgusting pig tonight," Severus said, still warm from his hot shower and relaxing into his sleeping bag. "I must say I've never seen the like."
James chuckled. "Eating Pig Cake is good for the soul."
"Do you remember when you grossed everyone out when – "—Severus' voice trailed off, realizing that he'd been thinking of Martis – "when you guys did that pig job in the Great Hall?"
"Sure do," Potter replied. "I thought Dumbledore was going to sic up his lemon chiffon pie."
-----------------------
During one particular lunch time in Martis' first year, she had done as she always had on Crete and had picked up a pork chop with her fingers to eat it. However, from the looks she had gotten, she realized that the British ate their chops with knife and fork. But Martis being Martis, she continued enjoying her finger food.
Of course, little in the Great Hall was overlooked by the Marauders, who decided to make sport of her eating habits. James began by picking up his own pork chop, smacking his lips as he devoured it in a highly conspicuous way. Then Peter picked up his food with his fingers and began tearing at it with his big teeth, adding to the effect by chewing with his mouth wide open.
This got a prompt and negative reaction from other Gryffindors, many of whom thought the boys had lost their wits. The reaction rapidly spread to the Ravenclaws. Sirius Black jumped right into the fray, eating his applesauce (for what is pork without it?) with his fingers. There were little cries of disgust as it dribbled onto his robe and down his arm.
"Yummy," he sighed, crossing his eyes for effect.
Students from Hufflepuff were now in on the joke, watching avidly and cringing at the appropriate times.
Black then began to feed himself tinned peaches in syrup, which were as slippery and similar in shape to goldfish as he'd ever seen. One by one, he popped them into his gaping maw, trying to swallow them whole as did the Hogwarts students did in the 1920's. Remus Lupin – taking a chance, which was rare for him – decided to eat his tapioca pudding with his fingers. Several Gryffies shrieked in outrage, yet laughed in the same breath.
Others joined in; a chorus of lip smacking and slurping noises rose from the Gryffindor table like a miasma. The Marauders proceeded to eat everything on their plates in a similarly disgusting fashion. It wasn't long before the situation reached critical mass and Professor McGonagall rose and flounced over to put an end to it.
"Can I have another pork chop?" Sirius asked her with what he had always assumed was a winning grin.
"Have you lost your senses, Mr. Black?" she snapped.
"I'm just eating like Little Miss Snake Goddess over at the Slytherin table," he responded, pointing conspicuously to Martis Vox.
"Except Martis doesn't look like a garbage disposal with hair," Severus shot back, fingering the wand stored in his sleeve.
"Snivellus doesn't eat pork chops," Sirius crowed. "He doesn't need the additional grease."
Britomartis Vox smiled sweetly. "Why don't you take those leftover peaches and cram them one by one up your – "
"That will be quite enough," Professor Penderdandis sternly intoned.
Both Snape and Vox quieted, but were not contrite in the slightest. Severus waved his wand under the table and muttered a few words in some archaic language.
"What did you do, Snips?" Martis asked sotto voce.
"Arranged for a fountain of applesauce to shoot projectile-fashion from Sneerius' nose right after his next class begins."
"I like it," Martis giggled, squeezing his hand.
Severus had grinned, happy to be in the company of a pretty and wonderful girl who didn't think he was a freak.
--------------
The only person at Hogwarts who had praised him – indeed, who had touched him – had been Martis, whom he would never see again. He was still so lonely and skin-starved for her that he could have cried forever. Snapping out of his gloomy thoughts, Severus said, "I guess everyone has a funny eating story or two."
"How about you?" James asked. "Somehow, I can't see you eating pudding with your fingers."
Sev's expression darkened. "Once I had the misfortune of picking up a piece of chicken with my fingers," he said.
"What happened? Did your old man go off on you?"
The Slytherin boy nodded. "How did you ever guess? He beat the crap out of me. All I remember is waking up halfway under the dining room table with a black eye and my lip split," he added.
"I'm sorry to hear that, old chap," James said with true sincerity in his voice.
"I was only seven years old at the time," Sev continued. "I don't think I've eaten chicken since; my father ruined it for me for good and all. I still have a lot of trouble eating and keeping things down. I can't imagine what he would have done watching me devour that Pig Cake earlier tonight."
"Well, you won't have to trouble your head about it," James replied. "I hope someone is blackening his eyes and splitting his lip in Azkaban."
Severus gave him a grim smile. "The Dementors don't bother with that. They just suck up your good memories, leaving you with nothing but the horror shows in your life paraded before your mind's eye in an endless loop. Either that or they just suck your soul right out of your body. I like that option better for my father, actually. Down the hatch."
"Well, enough of eating stories," James stated with a wide yawn. "Busy day tomorrow. We're going to raid the candy shops and practice some Quidditch. Are you game?"
"Potter, that was an excruciatingly bad pun."
"I aim to please," James replied. "Psych yourself up for divinity overload. Good night."
"Good night," Severus replied, wincing at the second awful pun and squirming down deeper in the down sleeping bag.
Maybe he wouldn't dream of Martis tonight.
The Yuletide having been duly celebrated, it now fell to the boys to spend the next few days playing Wizard's Chess, napping, eating, going to the Muggle movies, resting, purchasing sweets, sleeping, eating some more, and playing more Wizard's Chess. Severus proudly wore his new red sweater "in keeping with the season", telling Mr. Potter that he owned only dark- colored clothing and that it was a nice change. Mrs. Potter said the color suited his beautiful dark eyes, which caused him to blush nearly as red as the garment.
---------
One morning shortly before the New Year, both boys awoke to the smell of baking. Of course, this compelled both to stagger down the front stairs to discern the cause, and eat it if they could.
Severus stared at the magnificent three-layered chocolate cake. It had been freshly iced, and the chocolate dripped down its sides in decadent splendor.
"That is the finest chocolate cake I've ever seen, Mrs. Potter," he said, heartily meaning it.
"It's not really a chocolate cake, Sev," James corrected him. ""It's a Pig Cake."
Mrs. Potter rolled her eyes and shook her head, a smirk on her face. "Not another one, Jimmie," she said.
Severus had no idea what was going on. He had never heard of a Pig Cake before and couldn't imagine what the two of them were talking about.
"Please, Mum? Even though it's not my birthday?"
Mrs. Potter sighed deeply.
"Well, hey, forgot to tell you, Mum! It's Sev's birthday today! Can you imagine the coincidence? Those odds must be astronomical!" He dragged his finger through the fresh icing. His mother smacked his hand.
Severus tensed, ready to flee the kitchen if she was going to start hitting him.
"Take it easy, buddy," James said, sucking the icing off his finger. "You'll like Pig Cake!"
"Actually, it was my birthday last – "
"I know, I know. But SHE doesn't know that," James replied, jerking his thumb at his mother, who shook her head again. She laughed this time.
Severus relaxed, since that meant she wouldn't start yelling or smacking them around. "Um – what's a Pig Cake?"
"You'll see at dinner. C'mon. It's nearly noon, and there's Quidditch goals to be scored!" James shrugged on a heavy jacket and a pair of gloves, and opened the back door with a bang which made Severus jump. Mrs. Potter looked at the slender boy with sympathy and understanding, and waited until he had put on his own coat so that she could button the top button for him.
Mystified, Severus pulled on his black watch cap and gloves and followed James out the door.
-------
The boys came back hours later, noses and ears bright red and their cheeks chapped with windburn.
"I'd tell you to wash up," Mr. Potter said, looking up from reading the newspaper, "but don't see the point."
What did that mean, Severus wondered. He looked at the kitchen table. Instead of the expected evening meal, it was covered with a plastic tablecloth. The giant cake sat right in the middle on a white china plate.
"Your mother and I are going out for fish and chips later," Mr. Potter said, turning a page. "You fellows go right on ahead and enjoy an early dinner."
"Come on, Sev," James declared, spinning Severus around and giving him a little push. "Time for the sweatshirts."
--------------
Both returned to the table a few minutes later. Severus wore an old sweatshirt of James'; it was his first time in Muggle clothes. Mrs. Potter had her arms crossed and was leaning against the drain board. Severus saw that she had a Brownie Starflash – a Muggle camera – next to the breadbox. What on Earth was going to happen?
"Step on up, Sev my man," James said confidently. "This here is a Pig Cake. I only eat Pig Cake once a year, on my birthday. But since it's your birthday today," – Mr. Potter chuckled, shook his head, and turned to the Deaths and Weather page. "– this is YOUR Pig Cake. This is SPECIAL. See? Mum even has the camera out so we can record this meal for posterity!"
Severus wasn't sure what to do. "Where are the plates and forks?" he tentatively ventured.
"You don't need plates and forks for Pig Cake," said James. "The thing about Pig Cake is that you have to use your fingers."
The Slytherin boy looked at the Gryffindor as if he had grown another head. "Are you serious?" he gasped.
He never liked it when he couldn't follow everything going on around him. The more he knew, the more he could protect himself when things went bad. He looked around now to make sure his back was closest to the nearest exit.
"Yup. Attend, Severus. This is how we eat Pig Cake." James twiddled his fingers and stuck them into the center of the cake, dragging off a chunk and stuffing it into his mouth.
"Mmmmrfm," he said, gesturing at Severus to have a go at it.
Snape extended his index finger and scooped out nice gout of icing. He popped it into his mouth and smiled. It was delicious.
James grabbed another handful, and tried to eat the whole thing at once. What couldn't fit into his mouth fell upon the tablecloth.
Severus became anxious. He had been beaten nearly to unconsciousness for less in his own home. His eyes darted over to Mr. Potter, who turned another page. "You go ahead and enjoy yourselves, boys," he commented and returned to his own business.
Severus was astounded. This was all right with James' parents!
Grinning, he used his left hand this time and crammed the great wad of cake into his mouth. James' eye caught his and both boys began to laugh.
It was a disaster to laugh with a mouthful of Pig Cake. Severus spun around with both hands over his mouth to make sure he didn't spray Mrs. P with the overage.
"Mmmmmmmm, Jaaaaaaaaames want a biiiiiiiiiiiig piece of Piiiiiiiig Cake!" his friend said, grabbing a chunk with both hands. Severus actually began to laugh out loud, another first. James cleaned his fingers by wiping them down Sev's front. "Eeeeewie GOOOOIEEE!" he shrieked.
Now getting the idea, Sev scooped up a clot and wiped it across James' face, smearing one of his lenses with his index finger.
"Ohhhhhhh, BIRTHDAY BOY GONNA DIE!!!" he yelled, grabbing a handful and smearing new "eyebrows" on Severus' face.
"Smile for the birdie," Mrs. Potter sang, taking a picture.
-----------------
The two sixteen-year-olds spent a glorious quarter hour cramming cake down their gullets or wiping it in each other's hair. Severus had never laughed harder in his life. He couldn't believe the Potters allowed such things. He never had fun at his own home like this, or hadn't, anyway, until his father went to jail.
"MMmmfrfb bluggy blurb," James said, then swallowed. "Let's take a real nice picture for Lily, all right?"
At that, Sev shoved cake up James' nose. James crammed cake into Snape's ears. Both boys hooted and shrieked in glee. Mrs. Potter took another picture of the mess. By this time, there was far more cake on the tablecloth and on the floor than remained on the white china plate. Sev used an elbow to grind cake into James' hairline. "I have only one comment," he said solemnly.
For a moment, James thought he was going to freak out. Severus Snape ordinarily wasn't the kind of person who took to having cake shoved up his nostrils.
"What's that?" asked Mr. Potter, still reading the evening news.
"Where's the milk?"
At this, James mimicked going berserk, running over to the refrigerator, opening it, and bringing out a large carton of milk. "COWABUNGA!" he shrieked, and made as if he was about to dump it over Sev's head.
"Nooooooooooo! Birthday boy IMMUNITY!" the Slytherin cried, his cake- covered fingers jittering over the kitchen doorknob.
"NO IMMYOONITEEEE!!!!!!! NO IMMYOONITEEEE!!!!" James Potter shouted, chasing Severus outside and into the snow, where he drenched him with the entire contents of the milk carton.
"GONNA FREEEEEEEZE!" Severus shrieked before he slipped and took a header into a snow bank.
"ICE CREAM! ICE CREAM!" James crowed, scrubbing his own face, hair, and clothing with snow. "GOES GOOD WITH PIG CAKE!"
Mr. and Mrs. Potter smiled fondly at one another. "That Slytherin boy is such a serious little soul," she commented, wiping cake from the refrigerator and back kitchen doors. "I thought it would be fun for them."
"Ready to head out to dinner, Mother?" Mr. Potter said. "We'll leave this mess until we're sure they're too tired to trash the kitchen again."
Mrs. Potter stuck her head out the back door, putting the porch light on. She observed the two laughing boys in the middle of a furious snowball fight.
"We'll be back soon, boys," she said mildly. A couple of porch lights from nearby homes went on. "Try not to bother the neighbors for too long, dears."
"THAAAAAAANK MUM FOR PIIIIIIIIIIG CAKE!" James cried.
"THAAAAAAAAAK YOUUUU MUM FOR GOOOOOOD PIG CAKE!" Severus hollered, bowing in a showy gesture. This gave James a chance to sneak by and flip him into the snow again.
A few moments went by, and Severus didn't react. James was sure he had finally reached critical mass with the sensitive boy, until Sev shot up with twin handfuls of snow, which he jammed down James' neck.
"Quiet, please," the old lady next door admonished the boys.
"Hurry in, I don't want to lose all the heat in the house," Mrs. Potter said, gesturing them in and slamming the door behind them.
"My hands are frozen," Sev laughed. "I can't even feel my fingers!"
"Your hair is frozen, too," James said, reaching out and breaking a milk icicle that hung on the end of Severus' forelock. "Time for hot showers! Meeeee first!"
Mr. Potter's hand shot out, grabbing his son's ice-cold, clammy, and cake- begrimed sweatshirt. "You let your guest go first, please!" Severus hesitated, afraid that James' father would hit him for such a breach. When he saw that all danger was past, he grinned and ran upstairs for first dibs at getting both clean and warm.
"Thanks, Mom and Dad," James said, bending down to pick a glot of cake from behind the wastebasket. "Sev has had a pretty bad life, and I thought this would be good for him."
"I gathered that, Son," Mr. Potter remarked, pulling on his galoshes.
"Well, at least the old man's in Azkaban." James grinned. "Well, g'night, Mum and Dad!" He strode out of the kitchen with a spring in his step..
"Azkaban's the best place in the world for him," James' mother said, picking up the edges of the tablecloth and folding them to the center. "Nasty old sod."
---------------
"It was fun being a disgusting pig tonight," Severus said, still warm from his hot shower and relaxing into his sleeping bag. "I must say I've never seen the like."
James chuckled. "Eating Pig Cake is good for the soul."
"Do you remember when you grossed everyone out when – "—Severus' voice trailed off, realizing that he'd been thinking of Martis – "when you guys did that pig job in the Great Hall?"
"Sure do," Potter replied. "I thought Dumbledore was going to sic up his lemon chiffon pie."
-----------------------
During one particular lunch time in Martis' first year, she had done as she always had on Crete and had picked up a pork chop with her fingers to eat it. However, from the looks she had gotten, she realized that the British ate their chops with knife and fork. But Martis being Martis, she continued enjoying her finger food.
Of course, little in the Great Hall was overlooked by the Marauders, who decided to make sport of her eating habits. James began by picking up his own pork chop, smacking his lips as he devoured it in a highly conspicuous way. Then Peter picked up his food with his fingers and began tearing at it with his big teeth, adding to the effect by chewing with his mouth wide open.
This got a prompt and negative reaction from other Gryffindors, many of whom thought the boys had lost their wits. The reaction rapidly spread to the Ravenclaws. Sirius Black jumped right into the fray, eating his applesauce (for what is pork without it?) with his fingers. There were little cries of disgust as it dribbled onto his robe and down his arm.
"Yummy," he sighed, crossing his eyes for effect.
Students from Hufflepuff were now in on the joke, watching avidly and cringing at the appropriate times.
Black then began to feed himself tinned peaches in syrup, which were as slippery and similar in shape to goldfish as he'd ever seen. One by one, he popped them into his gaping maw, trying to swallow them whole as did the Hogwarts students did in the 1920's. Remus Lupin – taking a chance, which was rare for him – decided to eat his tapioca pudding with his fingers. Several Gryffies shrieked in outrage, yet laughed in the same breath.
Others joined in; a chorus of lip smacking and slurping noises rose from the Gryffindor table like a miasma. The Marauders proceeded to eat everything on their plates in a similarly disgusting fashion. It wasn't long before the situation reached critical mass and Professor McGonagall rose and flounced over to put an end to it.
"Can I have another pork chop?" Sirius asked her with what he had always assumed was a winning grin.
"Have you lost your senses, Mr. Black?" she snapped.
"I'm just eating like Little Miss Snake Goddess over at the Slytherin table," he responded, pointing conspicuously to Martis Vox.
"Except Martis doesn't look like a garbage disposal with hair," Severus shot back, fingering the wand stored in his sleeve.
"Snivellus doesn't eat pork chops," Sirius crowed. "He doesn't need the additional grease."
Britomartis Vox smiled sweetly. "Why don't you take those leftover peaches and cram them one by one up your – "
"That will be quite enough," Professor Penderdandis sternly intoned.
Both Snape and Vox quieted, but were not contrite in the slightest. Severus waved his wand under the table and muttered a few words in some archaic language.
"What did you do, Snips?" Martis asked sotto voce.
"Arranged for a fountain of applesauce to shoot projectile-fashion from Sneerius' nose right after his next class begins."
"I like it," Martis giggled, squeezing his hand.
Severus had grinned, happy to be in the company of a pretty and wonderful girl who didn't think he was a freak.
--------------
The only person at Hogwarts who had praised him – indeed, who had touched him – had been Martis, whom he would never see again. He was still so lonely and skin-starved for her that he could have cried forever. Snapping out of his gloomy thoughts, Severus said, "I guess everyone has a funny eating story or two."
"How about you?" James asked. "Somehow, I can't see you eating pudding with your fingers."
Sev's expression darkened. "Once I had the misfortune of picking up a piece of chicken with my fingers," he said.
"What happened? Did your old man go off on you?"
The Slytherin boy nodded. "How did you ever guess? He beat the crap out of me. All I remember is waking up halfway under the dining room table with a black eye and my lip split," he added.
"I'm sorry to hear that, old chap," James said with true sincerity in his voice.
"I was only seven years old at the time," Sev continued. "I don't think I've eaten chicken since; my father ruined it for me for good and all. I still have a lot of trouble eating and keeping things down. I can't imagine what he would have done watching me devour that Pig Cake earlier tonight."
"Well, you won't have to trouble your head about it," James replied. "I hope someone is blackening his eyes and splitting his lip in Azkaban."
Severus gave him a grim smile. "The Dementors don't bother with that. They just suck up your good memories, leaving you with nothing but the horror shows in your life paraded before your mind's eye in an endless loop. Either that or they just suck your soul right out of your body. I like that option better for my father, actually. Down the hatch."
"Well, enough of eating stories," James stated with a wide yawn. "Busy day tomorrow. We're going to raid the candy shops and practice some Quidditch. Are you game?"
"Potter, that was an excruciatingly bad pun."
"I aim to please," James replied. "Psych yourself up for divinity overload. Good night."
"Good night," Severus replied, wincing at the second awful pun and squirming down deeper in the down sleeping bag.
Maybe he wouldn't dream of Martis tonight.