Chapter 6 - Miserere Mei
The boys practiced their Quidditch moves all the following morning. Fortunately, no Muggles lived in the neighborhood, so no one was surprised to see two teenage boys on broomsticks skimming over the homes and back yards. The sky was crystal blue and the sun shone without heat but with much beauty and light.
Not having proper Quidditch equipment, Severus had charmed some of the rocks in the Potters' back wall to serve as bludgers, the quaffle, and the golden snitch. They used the top of the largest trees in the area as goal posts.
Severus had been having a wonderful time. For the first time in his life, he felt part of something whole and good instead of blighted. The boy's heart felt light. Perhaps his father had been wrong about him all along.
He and James got along all right; you never would have believed that James would have been the one behind the cruel trick that sent Severus fleeing into the Forbidden Forest. Of course, James had apologized for that particular offense at least a dozen times.
James found Severus to be totally unlike any of his other friends. He valued academics and was driven to succeed. He had a totally unanticipated dry wit. He was also reclusive and suspicious, but James understood he had plenty of reasons to be the way he was. The Gryffindor boy had never seen anyone as badly scarred as Severus Snape had been, realizing now that this had been the reason why he had refused to remove his shirt during Sports at school.
One time during their first year, Sirius Black had actually pinned him and yanked his shirt over his head, thinking that the Slytherin had only been embarrassed because he was so thin. "Hey, mates, looks like Snivelly's old man's been using him for target practice!" he had shouted, calling unwanted attention to the Slytherin boy. Once Sirius had gotten off him, Severus had rolled over and pressed his face in the dirt. It took their professor to get him to move and get up. It was like he was paralyzed or something. He had sent Sev along to the Hospital Wing, of course, but it was really a good deal too late for that.
James hadn't understood what the boy had been feeling at the time because he had no concept of what it was like to live in fear in one's own home. The thought had chilled him of late, now that the reason to contemplate such awful things was right there in front of him. There would be no refuge, no safe place for such a child. Mr. Potter had only spanked James once and that was for squirting a classmate with spray can of aerosol bug bomb.
James had remembered that some of the marks on his friend's chest and back had been burns. This helped him to remember to be kind to Snape now.
-------------
"Cheers, Potter!" called a voice from below them.
It was Sirius Black and the other two Marauders.
"Gods," James hissed, and descended rapidly.
Severus' face was suddenly white under his black watch cap. "What in all hells is this, Potter?" he spat.
Sirius Black – accompanied by Pettigrew and Lupin, all three with their brooms -- swaggered over to him. "All right, James?"
Potter nodded, hardly able to breathe. Black grinned, and in that moment James knew what would come next. It was almost like one of those dreams where you are powerless to stop an event from happening.
"I wasn't expecting you guys," James said, every muscle in his body tense. He then realized that Severus was over in the stand of bushes alongside the Potters' back yard, losing what remained of his breakfast.
This was bad. This was very bad indeed.
Having the instincts of a predator, Sirius had instantly spotted the Slytherin. "What's this, Prongs? Look, mates! See what cold-blooded reptile James invited over to be pals!" The two boys came up, Pettigrew swaggering in that nasty way he had and Lupin with his characteristic reserve.
"He was over there, puking in the bushes!" Black tittered as Snape strode over, jaw tightly clenched and clutching his old broom. "James brought us a little snake to play with!" Black poked Severus with his broom handle.
"Don't touch me," Severus hissed.
"Why? Too bruised up? Oh, I forgot. Your old man's in jail!"
Severus looked up at James, who was stunned speechless.
"Come on, let's get a game in," Black continued. "What do you say
, Prongs?"
James turned to Severus. "Sorry," he whispered. "Let's play a bit and then I'll get rid of them. I honestly didn't invite them. Please believe me."
The James Potter of that moment was just a stupid kid of sixteen; a kid with no real experience in taking a stand or in making an unsavory decision that might lead to an entire domino-chain of still more unsavory decisions. In that moment as well, James realized that he had made such a choice, because the look of betrayal on Severus' face made him sick to his stomach.
Nevertheless, the dark-eyed boy climbed back onto his broom, his Slytherin pride the only thing sustaining him. All five boys took their positions, using the charmed stones as James and Severus had.
---------------
Within five minutes, Sirius had managed to slam a "bludger" right at Snape. The end of Sev's broom splintered, and the boy was knocked flying.
The Slytherin landed first on the roof of the Potters' back shed with a dismal thud, then rolled off and fell to the snow-covered yard.
Peter Pettigrew shouted out in triumph. "He must have slipped off the broom because of all the grease!"
"Oh gods!" James shrieked. He was on the ground in a flash, running over to Severus, who was lying on his side clutching his knee. "Dammit, Padfoot! What the hell were you thinking?"
"Silly git's just making believe he's hurt," Pettigrew replied with a petulant expression, defending his idol.
James raced into the house and fetched his mother, who ran out hatless and coatless to lean over Severus. Mrs. Potter smoothed the hair out of the trembling boy's eyes. "You just lie still, sweetheart. I'll go get you some help. Stay perfectly still, all right?"
Waiting until his mother was back in the house, James faced Sirius. "Great job, you idiot! You're no better than his old man, you know."
It was clear that Black had had quite enough of James' friendship with that "greasy little Slytherin", and his natural arrogance boiled over with a vengeance. "Why act so high and mighty, Prongs? You invited us over, after all! Said we could use Snivelly as the bludger!"
At this, Severus paled and struggled mightily to get on his feet before the physical attack could begin.
"You lying piece of crap," James hissed. "Sev, that is not true!"
"Of course it is, Snivelly," Sirius said. "Why would any of us want to be your friend, you stunted miserable freak? Gods, you must be delusional if you think that James wanted you here for anything more than amusement value."
"Shut your mouth, Sirius, or leave right now," James snapped.
"Oh, knock it off, Potter. You told me yourself that you invited him so we could play a couple of nice harmless little pranks on him. Or was I deaf? Pettigrew, was I deaf?"
Peter (who would have agreed to anything Black said) obliged. "You weren't deaf. I overheard him."
Severus gasped aloud, then made a final push off the snowy ground with a moan. He looked at James, dark eyes burning with betrayal and hatred.
"They're lying, Sev," James pleaded. "Sirius doesn't want me to be friends with you. Can't you see that?" James put out his hand to help Sev to sit back down until help returned. Severus knocked it away.
"Don't touch me, you bastard," Severus whispered. "I can't believe you set me up! I knew better than to trust you!"
"No! Sev! Please stay here!"
Snape murmured something about James being on his list.
"I never invited the Marauders over here! I didn't know they were coming!" James was near tears. "Sev, please!"
"Why don't you just shut the hell up, Potter," the Slytherin hissed. "I was a fool – a fool and blind to trust you." Sev tried to walk away, but staggered and nearly fell. James moved to steady him, but this time Severus drew his wand.
He pointed it right between James Potter's eyes.
"You think Belial was bad, Potter? He was comic relief for some of the other demons I could send crawling into your head! Anamalech, Rabinu, Xezbeth!"
It was both terrifying and fascinating to see the air around the Slytherin boy begin to thicken and shimmer as he continued his chant.
"Marduk, Ninkigal, Tiskhu, Nirgallu, Shamgaz –!"
"STOP IT, SEVERUS!" James screamed, fright building like a bubble in his chest.
Severus raised his left hand, his wand still in his right. "Bagahi Laca Bachabe!"
"DON'T CALL THEM UP, FOR GODS SAKE!"
"You don't scare me, Snivelly," lied the terrified Sirius Black. The boys all watched as hideous half-formed shapes began to fly together above Severus' head.
"Mericaz, Istermaah, Nen-gelal!"
And then, Remus Lupin's voice rose above the others – Lupin, who excelled at Defense Against the Dark Arts. "Be split, be accursed, broken, and banned, son of mud, son of an unclean one, son of clay – "
"Conjure up another devil, Snape, and I'll see you expelled," Sirius snarled, real terror in his voice. "There is no way Dumbledore will stand behind you if you do!" He dove at Severus, taking him down and knocking the wand out of his hand. Peter Pettigrew pounced upon it, snatching it up. Severus cried out in spite of his shame in doing so; Black had struck his injured knee. He doubled over and retched miserably from the sudden flare of pain.
Beside himself, James raced over to him, trying to help him up. "I'm sorry, Sev, I'm so sorry – "he moaned.
Severus' hand flew out and seized Potter's wrist, his face an emotionless mask and his voice a chilling hiss. "Why I believed that a Gryffindor could be friends with a Slytherin is beyond me. Don't ever speak to me again, you stinking bastard. If you do, you'll find yourself on the wrong end of my wand, and I won't be using any of your fine Hogwarts White magic. Do you understand?"
Sirius then darted forward, snatching Severus' thin wrist and squeezing it as hard as he could. "Let go of him, you pathetic little puke!"
"Sev!" James cried. "I swear that – "
Black continued to squeeze the Slytherin's wrist until he screamed. "About time you caught on that you're not wanted here, Snivelly," Sirius snarled. "Get out of here before I mash your ugly face into another wall."
"Shut up, Sirius!" James moaned, now free of Snape's grip. Where had his mother gone?
"Get the hell out of here, you greasy little creep!" Black cried with real rage, twisting the boy's arm back and doubling him over. "Push off!" He shoved his knee into Severus' back, sending him facedown into the snow.
James then saw how small and thin Snape really was; how shabby his coat and how the fresh bruises around his wrist were beginning to puff up as brown smudges. He recalled a long-forgotten memory of a half-grown bird he had once found, pushed out of its nest, only to be crumpled on the ground before it learned to properly fly. James also recalled the sight of the boy's scars – the marks of his father's hatred -- and how Sev's dark eyes had resembled deep wells of pain when he had told James how they had gotten there. And now here his friends were, here in his own yard, which was safe and a good place, hurting this poor broken boy yet again.
Tears ran down James' face. "Oh shit oh gods oh shit," he moaned. "Let me help you up, Sev – "
Severus struggled to right himself once more, panting with the effort and pain. He picked up his wand, where Pettigrew had snapped it in half and dropped it.
Dropping his head so his long hair covered his thin face, Snape turned in James' direction, avoiding his gaze. "Have your house elf send my things along to school, Potter," he said. "Do it today as I don't have that many changes of clothes. You know where I live -- in Slytherin House."
-----------
James spent the last few days of his vacation in an agony of indecision about his choice of friends, not realizing that he had already decided by not deciding. He felt too ashamed to tell his parents the details of exactly what had happened to drive his friend away from their home – the details of what he, James Potter, had allowed to happen.
He spent time with the Marauders, but it felt different for him. He was swamped with remorse and shame. Reaching out to Lily Evans, James had poured out his guilty heart to her.
----------------
Severus had apparated back to the edge of the Forbidden Forest, a sight that still flooded his head with unbidden memories. He had half-stumbled, half-limped back to his own room unobserved because the school was still nearly empty. He crawled onto his bed and buried his head in his pillow and stayed there for days, weeping. There was no one to comfort him, nor would there be. He was alone, as he almost always had been.
He prayed to whatever gods would listen to end his life just as he had in the Forbidden Forest. Things were worse now than they had been, even then. A good deal worse. He had lost Martis, and now he had lost James.
They had been his only friends, and now they were gone.
---------------
A despondent James Potter returned to Hogwarts for the new term. He was back at his old school with the Marauders at his side – things should have felt fine to him.
Why did he feel such pain in his heart when he looked at Slytherin Tower?
-----------
A parcel marked "For James Potter" had been left on the floor in front of the entrance to the Gryffindor Common Room. The Fat Lady had been unable to provide James with the name of the boy who left it, only reporting that he had been crying.
James had carried it back into his bedroom and unwrapped it slowly and with dread.
It was Severus Snape's new red sweater, carefully wrapped in tissue paper.
------------
In the years to come – long after Hogwarts had become a fond memory for the two Gryffindors – James and Lily would decorate their mantle with the little transfigured castle bright with tiny lights.
Even baby Harry played with the small bauble at Christmastime, not knowing that it was his father's memorial to his ill-fated friendship with a weary, skinny child named Severus Snape.
The boys practiced their Quidditch moves all the following morning. Fortunately, no Muggles lived in the neighborhood, so no one was surprised to see two teenage boys on broomsticks skimming over the homes and back yards. The sky was crystal blue and the sun shone without heat but with much beauty and light.
Not having proper Quidditch equipment, Severus had charmed some of the rocks in the Potters' back wall to serve as bludgers, the quaffle, and the golden snitch. They used the top of the largest trees in the area as goal posts.
Severus had been having a wonderful time. For the first time in his life, he felt part of something whole and good instead of blighted. The boy's heart felt light. Perhaps his father had been wrong about him all along.
He and James got along all right; you never would have believed that James would have been the one behind the cruel trick that sent Severus fleeing into the Forbidden Forest. Of course, James had apologized for that particular offense at least a dozen times.
James found Severus to be totally unlike any of his other friends. He valued academics and was driven to succeed. He had a totally unanticipated dry wit. He was also reclusive and suspicious, but James understood he had plenty of reasons to be the way he was. The Gryffindor boy had never seen anyone as badly scarred as Severus Snape had been, realizing now that this had been the reason why he had refused to remove his shirt during Sports at school.
One time during their first year, Sirius Black had actually pinned him and yanked his shirt over his head, thinking that the Slytherin had only been embarrassed because he was so thin. "Hey, mates, looks like Snivelly's old man's been using him for target practice!" he had shouted, calling unwanted attention to the Slytherin boy. Once Sirius had gotten off him, Severus had rolled over and pressed his face in the dirt. It took their professor to get him to move and get up. It was like he was paralyzed or something. He had sent Sev along to the Hospital Wing, of course, but it was really a good deal too late for that.
James hadn't understood what the boy had been feeling at the time because he had no concept of what it was like to live in fear in one's own home. The thought had chilled him of late, now that the reason to contemplate such awful things was right there in front of him. There would be no refuge, no safe place for such a child. Mr. Potter had only spanked James once and that was for squirting a classmate with spray can of aerosol bug bomb.
James had remembered that some of the marks on his friend's chest and back had been burns. This helped him to remember to be kind to Snape now.
-------------
"Cheers, Potter!" called a voice from below them.
It was Sirius Black and the other two Marauders.
"Gods," James hissed, and descended rapidly.
Severus' face was suddenly white under his black watch cap. "What in all hells is this, Potter?" he spat.
Sirius Black – accompanied by Pettigrew and Lupin, all three with their brooms -- swaggered over to him. "All right, James?"
Potter nodded, hardly able to breathe. Black grinned, and in that moment James knew what would come next. It was almost like one of those dreams where you are powerless to stop an event from happening.
"I wasn't expecting you guys," James said, every muscle in his body tense. He then realized that Severus was over in the stand of bushes alongside the Potters' back yard, losing what remained of his breakfast.
This was bad. This was very bad indeed.
Having the instincts of a predator, Sirius had instantly spotted the Slytherin. "What's this, Prongs? Look, mates! See what cold-blooded reptile James invited over to be pals!" The two boys came up, Pettigrew swaggering in that nasty way he had and Lupin with his characteristic reserve.
"He was over there, puking in the bushes!" Black tittered as Snape strode over, jaw tightly clenched and clutching his old broom. "James brought us a little snake to play with!" Black poked Severus with his broom handle.
"Don't touch me," Severus hissed.
"Why? Too bruised up? Oh, I forgot. Your old man's in jail!"
Severus looked up at James, who was stunned speechless.
"Come on, let's get a game in," Black continued. "What do you say
, Prongs?"
James turned to Severus. "Sorry," he whispered. "Let's play a bit and then I'll get rid of them. I honestly didn't invite them. Please believe me."
The James Potter of that moment was just a stupid kid of sixteen; a kid with no real experience in taking a stand or in making an unsavory decision that might lead to an entire domino-chain of still more unsavory decisions. In that moment as well, James realized that he had made such a choice, because the look of betrayal on Severus' face made him sick to his stomach.
Nevertheless, the dark-eyed boy climbed back onto his broom, his Slytherin pride the only thing sustaining him. All five boys took their positions, using the charmed stones as James and Severus had.
---------------
Within five minutes, Sirius had managed to slam a "bludger" right at Snape. The end of Sev's broom splintered, and the boy was knocked flying.
The Slytherin landed first on the roof of the Potters' back shed with a dismal thud, then rolled off and fell to the snow-covered yard.
Peter Pettigrew shouted out in triumph. "He must have slipped off the broom because of all the grease!"
"Oh gods!" James shrieked. He was on the ground in a flash, running over to Severus, who was lying on his side clutching his knee. "Dammit, Padfoot! What the hell were you thinking?"
"Silly git's just making believe he's hurt," Pettigrew replied with a petulant expression, defending his idol.
James raced into the house and fetched his mother, who ran out hatless and coatless to lean over Severus. Mrs. Potter smoothed the hair out of the trembling boy's eyes. "You just lie still, sweetheart. I'll go get you some help. Stay perfectly still, all right?"
Waiting until his mother was back in the house, James faced Sirius. "Great job, you idiot! You're no better than his old man, you know."
It was clear that Black had had quite enough of James' friendship with that "greasy little Slytherin", and his natural arrogance boiled over with a vengeance. "Why act so high and mighty, Prongs? You invited us over, after all! Said we could use Snivelly as the bludger!"
At this, Severus paled and struggled mightily to get on his feet before the physical attack could begin.
"You lying piece of crap," James hissed. "Sev, that is not true!"
"Of course it is, Snivelly," Sirius said. "Why would any of us want to be your friend, you stunted miserable freak? Gods, you must be delusional if you think that James wanted you here for anything more than amusement value."
"Shut your mouth, Sirius, or leave right now," James snapped.
"Oh, knock it off, Potter. You told me yourself that you invited him so we could play a couple of nice harmless little pranks on him. Or was I deaf? Pettigrew, was I deaf?"
Peter (who would have agreed to anything Black said) obliged. "You weren't deaf. I overheard him."
Severus gasped aloud, then made a final push off the snowy ground with a moan. He looked at James, dark eyes burning with betrayal and hatred.
"They're lying, Sev," James pleaded. "Sirius doesn't want me to be friends with you. Can't you see that?" James put out his hand to help Sev to sit back down until help returned. Severus knocked it away.
"Don't touch me, you bastard," Severus whispered. "I can't believe you set me up! I knew better than to trust you!"
"No! Sev! Please stay here!"
Snape murmured something about James being on his list.
"I never invited the Marauders over here! I didn't know they were coming!" James was near tears. "Sev, please!"
"Why don't you just shut the hell up, Potter," the Slytherin hissed. "I was a fool – a fool and blind to trust you." Sev tried to walk away, but staggered and nearly fell. James moved to steady him, but this time Severus drew his wand.
He pointed it right between James Potter's eyes.
"You think Belial was bad, Potter? He was comic relief for some of the other demons I could send crawling into your head! Anamalech, Rabinu, Xezbeth!"
It was both terrifying and fascinating to see the air around the Slytherin boy begin to thicken and shimmer as he continued his chant.
"Marduk, Ninkigal, Tiskhu, Nirgallu, Shamgaz –!"
"STOP IT, SEVERUS!" James screamed, fright building like a bubble in his chest.
Severus raised his left hand, his wand still in his right. "Bagahi Laca Bachabe!"
"DON'T CALL THEM UP, FOR GODS SAKE!"
"You don't scare me, Snivelly," lied the terrified Sirius Black. The boys all watched as hideous half-formed shapes began to fly together above Severus' head.
"Mericaz, Istermaah, Nen-gelal!"
And then, Remus Lupin's voice rose above the others – Lupin, who excelled at Defense Against the Dark Arts. "Be split, be accursed, broken, and banned, son of mud, son of an unclean one, son of clay – "
"Conjure up another devil, Snape, and I'll see you expelled," Sirius snarled, real terror in his voice. "There is no way Dumbledore will stand behind you if you do!" He dove at Severus, taking him down and knocking the wand out of his hand. Peter Pettigrew pounced upon it, snatching it up. Severus cried out in spite of his shame in doing so; Black had struck his injured knee. He doubled over and retched miserably from the sudden flare of pain.
Beside himself, James raced over to him, trying to help him up. "I'm sorry, Sev, I'm so sorry – "he moaned.
Severus' hand flew out and seized Potter's wrist, his face an emotionless mask and his voice a chilling hiss. "Why I believed that a Gryffindor could be friends with a Slytherin is beyond me. Don't ever speak to me again, you stinking bastard. If you do, you'll find yourself on the wrong end of my wand, and I won't be using any of your fine Hogwarts White magic. Do you understand?"
Sirius then darted forward, snatching Severus' thin wrist and squeezing it as hard as he could. "Let go of him, you pathetic little puke!"
"Sev!" James cried. "I swear that – "
Black continued to squeeze the Slytherin's wrist until he screamed. "About time you caught on that you're not wanted here, Snivelly," Sirius snarled. "Get out of here before I mash your ugly face into another wall."
"Shut up, Sirius!" James moaned, now free of Snape's grip. Where had his mother gone?
"Get the hell out of here, you greasy little creep!" Black cried with real rage, twisting the boy's arm back and doubling him over. "Push off!" He shoved his knee into Severus' back, sending him facedown into the snow.
James then saw how small and thin Snape really was; how shabby his coat and how the fresh bruises around his wrist were beginning to puff up as brown smudges. He recalled a long-forgotten memory of a half-grown bird he had once found, pushed out of its nest, only to be crumpled on the ground before it learned to properly fly. James also recalled the sight of the boy's scars – the marks of his father's hatred -- and how Sev's dark eyes had resembled deep wells of pain when he had told James how they had gotten there. And now here his friends were, here in his own yard, which was safe and a good place, hurting this poor broken boy yet again.
Tears ran down James' face. "Oh shit oh gods oh shit," he moaned. "Let me help you up, Sev – "
Severus struggled to right himself once more, panting with the effort and pain. He picked up his wand, where Pettigrew had snapped it in half and dropped it.
Dropping his head so his long hair covered his thin face, Snape turned in James' direction, avoiding his gaze. "Have your house elf send my things along to school, Potter," he said. "Do it today as I don't have that many changes of clothes. You know where I live -- in Slytherin House."
-----------
James spent the last few days of his vacation in an agony of indecision about his choice of friends, not realizing that he had already decided by not deciding. He felt too ashamed to tell his parents the details of exactly what had happened to drive his friend away from their home – the details of what he, James Potter, had allowed to happen.
He spent time with the Marauders, but it felt different for him. He was swamped with remorse and shame. Reaching out to Lily Evans, James had poured out his guilty heart to her.
----------------
Severus had apparated back to the edge of the Forbidden Forest, a sight that still flooded his head with unbidden memories. He had half-stumbled, half-limped back to his own room unobserved because the school was still nearly empty. He crawled onto his bed and buried his head in his pillow and stayed there for days, weeping. There was no one to comfort him, nor would there be. He was alone, as he almost always had been.
He prayed to whatever gods would listen to end his life just as he had in the Forbidden Forest. Things were worse now than they had been, even then. A good deal worse. He had lost Martis, and now he had lost James.
They had been his only friends, and now they were gone.
---------------
A despondent James Potter returned to Hogwarts for the new term. He was back at his old school with the Marauders at his side – things should have felt fine to him.
Why did he feel such pain in his heart when he looked at Slytherin Tower?
-----------
A parcel marked "For James Potter" had been left on the floor in front of the entrance to the Gryffindor Common Room. The Fat Lady had been unable to provide James with the name of the boy who left it, only reporting that he had been crying.
James had carried it back into his bedroom and unwrapped it slowly and with dread.
It was Severus Snape's new red sweater, carefully wrapped in tissue paper.
------------
In the years to come – long after Hogwarts had become a fond memory for the two Gryffindors – James and Lily would decorate their mantle with the little transfigured castle bright with tiny lights.
Even baby Harry played with the small bauble at Christmastime, not knowing that it was his father's memorial to his ill-fated friendship with a weary, skinny child named Severus Snape.