A Discourse on Weaponry
by: malcious lufoy
Note: Just a couple of things you might want to know... epee is pronounced: ay-pay. And I hope you review. Tell me if you enjoyed it! Tell me if it sucked!
"I have an epee! You cannot defeat me!" Malfoy leaped forward impressively, and pinned Harry to the wall with the point of his sword.
Harry stared at him, brushing away Malfoy's arm with ease. "An epee? An epee?!"
Malfoy cradled his arm, shooting the other a glare for foiling his great opening entrance, and looked at Harry in disbelief. "Oh, come on, Potter! Even you must have a spattering of French."
"Oh yes, Malfoy, I'm sure the majority of the world's population knows what an epee is." Harry looked irritated, voice melting with sarcasm. "Just as how everyone knows what an ocelot is."
"An os-el-lot?" The other pronounced carefully, head tilted to the side in thought. He shook his head. "Whatever the hell are you talking about, Potter? Besides, you would know what an epee is, if you were French."
"Epee this, epee that." He mimicked "I won't even comment on why anyone would want to be French. Why not a saber, or a rapier?"
The blonde looked shocked, eyes widening in horror. "Oh, please! You have no idea what you're talking about. How could I possibly defeat anyone with a rapier? Epee sounds so much better. It has an accent on it! An accent!"
"Well, what about wit? There's always rapier wit."
Malfoy scowled. "Oh, yes. Always with the rapier. 'Oooh, look at me! I'm an overused sword that everyone sticks into books and novels because they didn't bother to do research on weaponry. The only reason anyone knows what I am is because every middle aged witch reads about me being used by overly virile men in romance novels.'" He mimicked. "Besides, a stiletto would be much sharper."
"I can just see it now...Draco Malfoy, eminent Evil Dark Overlord in Grooming, single handedly defeated Harry Potter with an epee, and his stiletto wit! We must never forget the stiletto wit..." Harry mocked, looking disgusted. "As if!"
How dare Potter mock him! He was supposed to do the mocking! That mock stealing mocker stealer. He'd show him! He'll use his ra- er, stiletto wit! "Well, a stiletto is sharper!" There. No one can defeat that!
"So's a pin! No one's ever going to tell people about how you pierced me with your pin like wit." Harry commented derisively.
Damn Potter and his always besting him. "Fine!" Draco shouted, throwing the epee behind him, accidentally pinning Harry's robe to the wall. He shoved his hand down into his pants.
"Malfoy! Are you doing what I think you're doing?" Harry sputtered, eyes wide, unable to take his eyes off of the other. It was like...watching a train wreck.
Draco cackled wildly. "I'm doing exactly what you're thinking! Kah ha ha!" And he pulled out a gun. "Take that, Potter!" He shouted, waving the gun around.
"Err...Malfoy...are you sure you know how to use that?" He asked, wincing every time the barrel of the gun happened to point at his head.
"Enough to know how to defeat you with it.... heh heh heh..." He chuckled evilly. He pointed the gun at Harry's head. "You are at my mercy! Beg like the slovenly plebe you are!"
"Er...um- please point that thing somewhere else." He felt the metal dig harder into his forehead. "Please? Er...master?"
Malfoy looked delighted. In fact, his face very much reminded Harry of the drunken dancing dog his cousin Dudley and him had seen at the fair. "Oh, yes! Say it again!"
"Um...master?"
"Whoohoohoohoo!!" Malfoy looked drunk on power- or at least on some sort of mind-altering drug. Perhaps ether? "Very well. I will do as you request." The gun moved away from his head, and Malfoy waved it around a bit, before sticking it at his crotch.
"What! Malfoy, that's not any better!" Harry yelped.
Draco sneered. "As if you have any say in it." He gound the barrel harder into thier other's groin. Harry winced, and Malfoy cackled with glee. "For once...I have bested Harry Potter, and I shall revel. Revel!" He proceeded to prance about the hallway like a madman. Harry was pretty sure he was dancing in a parody of the Macarana combined with the electric slide. Harry shuddred and turned his head away in horror.
"Ahem." Malfoy coughed, straightening his robe after a good caper. "Enough of this. Time for you...to DIE!"
Dun dun dun...
Harry and Draco looked around for where the music was coming from.
Malfoy shrugged, and pointed the gun at the other's head, and pulled the trigger.
"Er..." Harry said, looking at the gun.
Malfoy tried to pull it again. "What the hell is wrong with this thing? I knew I shouldn't have trused a blasted Muggle contraption...." He muttered.
Harry cackled. "Ha! Ha ha! Malfoy is foiled by a child-safety lock!" Draco glared daggers at his victim, while trying to yank the trigger off of the gun. Well, Harry thought, at least it was more poetic then glaring stilettos.
"Damn it! Why won't you work?!" The blonde exclaimed, struggling with it while hopping about on one foot, clearly having no idea how to disable a child-safety lock. "Fine!" He shouted, whipping out his wand, throwing the gun down, about to try and Imperius it under his controll. It didn't seem to be working well. Something about only using it on animate objects...hmm...
Harry, meanwhile, had been struggling with the epee, and had managed to wriggle out of his robe. He spun around, and yanked the sword out of the wall.
"Ha! Alohomora!" Draco cried, and as the child safety lock disengaged, and he stooped to pick it up.
"En garde!"
"What?!" Draco jumped up, gun dangling from his hand- but it was too late. Harry already had the epee pointed at his neck. "Damn it all! I knew I should have used the epee! You.. you... if the irony of this situation wasn't executed so wonderfully, I would hex you into tomorrow!" Draco shouted. Really, who came up with these things? Though, he had to admire their style.
"Ha ha ha! Breathe your last breath, Malfoy, you scum. I shall rid the earth of your incredibly evil presence, and all shall laud my name, and shower me with laurels..."
"Oh come on! If I thought you were sane right now, I would expect this sort of horrid drivel from you, but really! I deserve more respect then this!" Draco spat, looking horrified at the cliches he'd just heard.
Harry rolled his eyes. "I'm practicing for when I kill the Dark Lord, you idiot! Of course I'm going to be horribly dramatic and mockingly mocking to no mocking."
Meanwhile, Draco had positioned his wand to point towards himself. "While you've been daydreaming about your playdate with His Most Evil Majesty, I've been planning my get away..."
"Wha...?" Harry trailed off.
Malfoy spelled out a puff of horrible smelling smoke that filled the entire hallway, obscuring him from his opponent's veiw.
"Pink?! Pink smoke, Malfoy?" Harry hooted in laughter, his eyes filling up with tears as he gasped. "Oh, I knew you were a ponce, but even Voldemot couldn't top this!"
"Shut up, Potter!" He shouted, hidden behind the pink smoke. "You may laugh now, but I will get you next time! With an even more evil-er weapon, and ten times as better sounding then an epee! Till we meet again!"
Obviously Malfoy didn't know that the smoke had disappated long before his speech was finished, and that he was in clear veiw. Nonetheless, he laughed maniacly. "Ahahahah! Ahahaha!! AhahahahaHA!" And he whisked down the hallway.
Harry shook his head, and went to pick up the gun lying on the hallway floor. He smiled, as he pulled the trigger at Malfoy's retreating back.
A little white piece of cloth, with BANG written on it, popped out. Heh. Harry smiled amusedly. Malfoy had absolutely no clue, sometimes. No clue.
end
Just a few explainations- I wrote this out all because of the epee. (I've had too much time to think in French class), and thus, the whole thing is filled with weaponry similes and whatnot and other various fuctions of speech. (If you wanted to know, and ocelot is akin to something like a miniature version of a jaguar.)