Into Macalania Woods
For Mousling
Author's note/Disclaimer:
Okay, so this is for my own amusement. So if no one else is amused, well, that's okay. Anyway, ignore any relationships from the game. I'm just plugging in settings and personalities. (IE Braska isn't Yuna's father, Jecht isn't Tidus' father, etc.) Needless to say, the timeline of the game doesn't apply. Oh, and I ran out of female characters, so I decided instead of having children, Donna would just clone herself. This seems like a Donna thing to do, and I like it better than just plugging in "Random Al Bhed girl 1." Also, I'm pretending Anima isn't an Aeon. At least for now. And no Kimarhi. I just couldn't figure out where to put him. Oops. And Seymour is the Baker's wife for comic effect-I do not intend to explain how he and Braska have a child. Ask Lulu.
I do not own, nor did I invent, any of these wonderful charcters. Square owns them. And Stephen Sondheim et. al. are responsible for 99% of the script. Please don't sue me! Then again, this is fanfic.net, so hopefully, it's all happy and good.
Off we go…
Original Spira Cast:
Narrator: Maechen (The "that, as they say, is that" guy)
Cinderella: Yuna
Jack: Tidus
Baker: Braska
Baker's Wife: Seymour
Cinderella's Stepmother: Donna
Florinda: Donna clone 1 (a blonde)
Lucinda: Donna clone 2 (a redhead)
Jack's Mother: Wakka
Little Red: Rikku
Witch: Lulu
Cinderella's Father: Baltero (Donna's guard)
Cinderella's Mother: Belgimine (the helpful unsent summoner)
Mysterious Man: Maester Mica
Wolf: Jecht
Rapunzel: Shiva
Rapunzel's Prince: Rin
Grandmother: Anima (I can't find out if this was Seymour's mother's actual name, or just the Aeon's. Let me know if you know her real name.)
Cinderella's Prince: Auron
Steward: Cid
Giant: Yunalesca (but giant!)
Milky White: Rumoluf, the chocobo
Snow White: Shelinda
Sleeping Beauty: That one crusader who was killed at operation Mi'ihen
Act One
Scene One: Prologue
[A small village in the Calm Lands. A young girl of 17 or so is sweeping the front steps to one hut. Nearby, a well-built young man of around the same age with a vague expression is attempting to feed a pathetic looking chocobo. All is well to all appearances. However, suddenly a small mysterious man appears. He speaks four fateful words:]
Maechen: Once upon a time—
Yuna: I wish...
Maechen: --in a land called Spira—
Yuna: More than anything...
Maechen: --lived a young maiden—
Yuna: More than life...
Maechen: --a sad young lad—
Yuna: More than save spheres...
Tidus: I wish...
Maechen: --and a childless shopkeeper—
Tidus: More than blitzballs...
Yuna, Braska: I wish...
Maechen: --with his…er, wife.
(A/N: Um…there's a lot of gender bending. I'm not going to explain it all away. You're smart-I'm sure you'll figure it all out.)
Tidus: More than anything...
Yuna, Braska, and Tidus: More than the stars...
Seymour: I wish...
Yuna: The Maesters are giving a Festival.
Braska, Seymour: More than life…
Tidus: I wish...
Yuna: I wish to go to the Festival—
Braska, Seymour: More than riches…
Yuna: --and the Ball.
Tidus: I wish my chocobo would eat.
Yuna, Seymour: More than anything…
Braska: I wish we had a child.
Tidus [to chocobo]: Please, girl—
Seymour: I want a child…
[The chocobo coughs pathetically]
Tidus: Don't wheeze, girl—
Yuna: I wish to go to the Festival.
Tidus: [Overlapping]: I wish you'd eat some greens. Or even cheese…
Braska, Seymour [Overlapping]: I wish we might have a child.
All Four: I wish…
Donna [to Yuna]: You wish to go to the Festival?
Maechen: The poor girl's mother had died—
Donna: You, Yuna, the Festival? You wish to go to the Festival?
Blonde [Over]: What, you, Yuna, the Festival? The Festival?!
Redhead [Over]: What, you wish to go to the Festival?!
All Three: The Festival?! The Maesters' Festival!!!???
Maechen: --and her father had taken for his new wife—
Donna: The Festival!!!???
Maechen: --a woman with two "daughters" of her own.
Blonde: Look at your nails!
Redhead: Look at your dress!
Donna: People would laugh at you—
Yuna: Nevertheless—
Yuna: Clones: Donna:
I still wish to go You still wish to go She still wants to go
To the Festival-- To the Festival— To the Festival.
Clones, Donna: --and dance before the monks?!
[They chortle with laughter musically, then cackle out of control.]
Maechen: All three were beautiful of face, but vile and black of heart. Tidus, on the other hand, had no father, and his "mother"—
Wakka: I wish…
Maechen: Well, "she" was not quite beautiful—
Wakka: I wish my son were not a fool.
I wish the hut was not a mess.
I wish the chocobo would run.
I wish the Aurochs would win at Blitzball—
I wish a lot of things, ya?
[to Tidus] Stupid Tidus! What the heck are you tryin' to feed the chocobo?!??
Tidus: Well, she's not eating the greens, so I thought maybe I should try some other foods.
Wakka: But fire gems aren't food, ya?
[The chocobo burps and a puff of smoke comes out of its beak. There are two knocks on Braska's door; Seymour opens it. It is a small flighty Al Bhed girl trailed by a cactaur. Her name is Rikku.]
Seymour: Why, come in, my dear.
Rikku: I wish...
It's not for me,
It's for my granny in the woods.
An elixir, please—
To bring my poor old sickly Granny in the woods...
[Insistent] Just an elixir, please...
[Braska gives her an elixir.]
Maechen: Donna had a surprise for Yuna.
[Donna throws a pot of miniature save spheres into the fire pit]
Donna: I have emptied these spheres into the ashes for you. If you have picked them out again in two hours' time, you shall go to the Ball with us.
Rikku [Seeing some food]: And perhaps a sticky bun? Or four…
Yuna: Fayth in the sky, fayth in the eaves,
In the leaves,
In the fields,
In the castles and ponds…
Rikku: Cikyn! May I have some more?
Braska [to Seymour]: Is she eating butter?
Yuna [Over]: Come, my aeons,
Down from the eaves
And the leaves,
Over fields,
Out of castles and ponds…
Tidus: No!
[The chocobo tries to eat Tidus' blitzball and fails]
Yuna [summoning her aeons]: Ahhh…
[Yojimbo and his stupid little dog appear.]
Yuna: Quick, Yojimbo, pick through the ashes.
Sort and sweep, but swiftly,
Sift through the ashes
Into the pot…
[Yuna pays Yojimbo one gil, and he and the dog start picking up spheres]
Wakka: Listen, okay? You must take Rumoluf to the high road.
Tidus: But, no--she's the best chocobo—
Wakka: Was. Was! HE'S been sick for weeks, ya? We're out of gil and food. We have to sell him while someone will still buy him, ya? Yevon help me.
Tidus: But Rumoluf is my best friend in the whole world!
Wakka: Look at him!
There are things in his wings.
There are flies in his eyes.
He's molting, ya?
Tidus: But—
Wakka: Son,
We can't just sit and talk,
He won't eat even a stalk;
No one has a chocobo as a friend!
Sometimes I think you're touched, ya?
[Rikku has been compulsively eating sweets at Braska's house; she now swallows, wiping her hands and mouth.]
Rikku: Into the woods,
It's time to go,
I hate to leave,
I have to, though.
Into the woods—
It's time, and so
I must begin my journey.
Into the woods
And through the trees
I must go see my sysso.
Into the woods to Grandmother's house—
[mouth full] Into the woods
To Grandmother's house—
Seymour: You're certain of your way?
Rikku: The way is clear,
The light is good,
I have no fear,
Nor no one should.
The woods are just trees,
The trees are just wood.
I sort of hate to ask it,
But do you have a basket?
Braska: Don't stray and be late.
Seymour: And save some of those sweets for Granny!
Rikku: Into the woods
With butterflies,
Some red, some blue,
They hurt my eyes.
Into the woods,
Who can surmise
What's waiting on the journey?
Into the woods
To try to heal
My Granny who is feeling ill.
Never can tell
What lies ahead.
For all that I know,
She's already dead.
But into the woods, into the woods,
Into the woods to Grandmother's house
And home before dark!
Yuna: Go, my friends.
Back to the sky,
Back to the eaves
And the leaves
And the fields
And the—
[She dismisses Yojimbo just as the Donna clones enter]
Redhead: Hurry up and do my hair, silly Yuna!
[to the Blonde] Are you really wearing that?
Blonde: Here, I found a little tear, stupid Yuna!
[to the Redhead] Can't you hide it with a hat?
Yuna: You look beautiful.
Redhead: I know.
Blonde: She means me.
Redhead [to Yuna]: Put it in a twist.
Blonde: Who will be there?
[She and the Redhead continue babbling underneath.]
Yuna [to herself]: Mother said be good,
Father said be nice,
That was always their advice.
So be nice, lovely Yuna,
Good, helpful Yuna,
Nice good good nice—
Redhead: Tighter!
Yuna: What's the good of being good
If everyone is blind
And you're always left behind?
Never mind, caring Yuna,
Kind, happy Yuna—
[accenting each word with a twist of a strand of hair] Nice good good kind good nice—
Redhead [screams and slaps Yuna]: Not that tight!
Yuna: Sorry.
Redhead: Clod.
Blonde: Hee he hee-- [The Redhead glares at her] hee hee-- [stops]
Maechen: Because Lord Braska had lost his mother and father in a shop-keeping accident of some sort –
well, at least that is what he believed--he was eager to have a family of his own, and concerned
that all efforts until now had failed.
[Knock on Braska's door]
Braska: Who might that be?
Seymour: We have sold our last hi-potion and our last mega-elixir.
Braska: It's the black mage from next door!
[Lulu enters, a moogle in tow. Her hair is totally white and she wears a mask to hide her disfigured face. She looks around with some contempt.]
Braska, Seymour: We have no items!
Lulu: Of course you have no items!
Braska: What do you wish?
Lulu: It's not what I wish. It's what you wish.
[Points to Seymour's belly] Nothing cooking in there now is there?
[Seymour and Braska exchange a look; Braska sad, Seymour completely confused]
Maechen: The black mage went on to tell the couple that she had placed a spell on their house.
Braska: What spell?
Lulu: In the past, when you were no more than a babe, your father brought his young wife and you to this hut.
They were a handsome couple, but not handsome neighbors. You see, your mother was with child and she
had developed an unusual appetite. She took one look at my beautiful garden, and told your father that what
she wanted, more than anything in the world, was
Greens, greens, and nothing but greens:
Parsley, peppers, cabbages and celery,
Asparagus and watercress and
Fiddleferns and ochuu--!
He said 'all right,'
But it wasn't, quite,
'Cause I caught him in the autumn
In my garden one night!
He was robbing me,
Raping me,
Rooting through my rutabaga,
Raiding my arugula and
Ripping up the rampion
(My champion! My favorite!)—
I should have laid a spell on him right there.
Could have turned him into an icicle,
Or a fiend, or a chocobo,
Or a shoopuf-- [drifts off into a momentary trance]
But I let him have the rampion,
I'd lots to spare.
In return, however,
I said 'Fair is fair;
You can let me have the baby
That your wife will bear.
And we'll call it square.'
Braska: I had a brother?
Lulu: No. But you had a sister. Of a sort.
Maechen: But the witch refused to tell him any more of his sister. Not even that her name was Shiva. She went on:
Lulu: I thought I had been more than reasonable, and that we all might live happily ever after. But how was I to know what your father had also hid in his pocket !?! You see, when I had inherited that garden, my mother had warned me that I would be punished if I ever were to lose any of the
Beans.
Braska, Seymour: Beans?
Lulu: The SPECIAL beans.
I let him go,
I didn't know
He'd stolen my beans!
I was watching him crawl
Back over the wall--!
And then bang!
Crash!
And the lightning flash!
And--well, that's another story,
Never mind—
Anyway, at last
The big day came
And I made my claim.
"Oh, don't take away the baby,"
They shrieked and screeched,
But I did,
And I hid her
Where she'll never be reached.
And your father cried,
And your mother died
When for extra measure—
I admit it was a pleasure—
I said,
"Sorry, I'm still not mollified."
And I laid a little spell on them.
You too, son.
That your family tree would always be a barren one... [laughs]
So there's no more fuss
And there's no more scenes
And my garden thrives—
You should see my nectarines!
But I'm telling you the same I tell
Maesters and fiends:
Don't ever never ever
Mess around with my greens!
Especially the beans.
Wakka: Now listen to me, Tidus. Lead Rumoluf to the high road and get the best price you can. Take no less than five hundred gil, ya? Are you listening?
Tidus: Yeah.
Wakka: Now how much you gonna ask?
Tidus: No more than five hundred gil.
[Wakka smacks Tidus upside the head]
Wakka, Tidus: Less! Than five hundred.
Wakka: Tidus the jock,
Head like a rock,
The hut is gettin colder,
This is not a time for dreaming, ya?
Roof of flax, startin to collapse,
The fiends are gettin bolder,
My blitzball's flat.
I keep getting' older,
Your father's not back,
And you can't just sit here practicing your moves.
To wish and wait
From day to day
Will never keep
The fiends away.
So into the woods,
That's right-you heard.
We gotta live, and you're absurd.
Into the woods
To sell the bird.
You must begin the journey.
Straight through the woods
And don't delay—
You have to sell and barter well.
Into the woods to journey's end—
Tidus: Into the woods to sell a friend—
Wakka: Someday you'll have a real pet, Tidus, ya?
Tidus: A shoopuf?
[Wakka shakes his head in disbelief]
Maechen: Meanwhile, the mage, for purposes of her own, explained how Braska might lift the spell:
Lulu: You wish to have
The curse reversed?
I'll need a certain
Potion first.
Go to the wood and bring me back:
One: the bird as thin as thread,
Two: the hair as smooth as ice,
Three: the moogle as green as grass,
Four: the slipper as pure as gil.
(A/N: I know, I know. The items suck. I'm sorry-Sondheim is smarter than I am. Sigh.)
Bring me these before the chime
Of midnight
In three days' time,
And you shall have,
I guarantee,
A child as perfect
As child can be.
Go to the wood!
[disappears]
Donna: Ladies, our carriage waits.
Yuna: Now may I go to the Festival?
Donna: The Festival?
Darling, those nails!
Darling, those clothes!
Save spheres are one thing but
Darling, with those,
You'd make us the fools of the Festival
And mortify the monks!
Baltero: The carriage is waiting.
Donna: We must be gone.
[They exit with a flourish]
Yuna: Good night, Father. [He grunts and exits]
I wish... [cries]
Braska: Look what I found in Father's old cloak.
Seymour: Six beans.
Braska: I wonder if they are the—
Seymour: The mage's beans? We'll take them with us.
Braska: No! You are not coming.
Seymour: I know you are fearful of the woods at night.
Braska: The spell is on MY house.
Only I can lift the spell,
The spell is on MY house.
Seymour [over]: No, no, the spell is on OUR house.
We must lift the spell together,
The spell is on OUR house.
Braska [Over]: No. You are not to come and that is final. Now, what am I to return with?
Seymour [Annoyed]: You don't remember?
The bird as thin as thread,
The hair as smooth as ice,
The moogle as green as grass,
The slipper as pure as gil –
Braska [memorizing]: The bird as thin as thread,
The hair as smooth as ice,
The moogle as green as grass,
The slipper as pure as gil...
Maechen [Over]: And so Lord Braska, reluctantly, set off to meet the black mage's demands.
As for Yuna:
Yuna: I still wish to go to the Festival,
But how am I ever to get to the Festival?
Braska [simultaneously]: The bird as thin as thread,
The hair as smooth as ice,
The moogle as green as grass—
Seymour: the slipper—
Braska: The slipper as pure as gil...
Yuna [Over]: I know!
I'll visit Mother's grave,
The grave at the enchanted tree,
And tell her I just want to
Go to the Maester's Festival...
Braska: The bird, the hair, the slipper as pure as gil—
Seymour: The moogle--!
Braska, Yuna: Into the woods,
It's time to go,
It may be all
In vain, you (I) know.
Into the woods—
But even so,
I have to take the journey.
Braska, Yuna, Seymour: Into the woods,
The path is straight,
You (I) know it well,
But who can tell--?
Braska, Seymour: Into the woods to lift the spell—
Yuna: Into the woods to visit Mother—
Seymour: Into the woods to fetch the things—
Braska: To make the potion—
Yuna: To go to the Festival—
Braska, Seymour, Yuna, Tidus, Wakka: Into the woods
Without regret,
The choice is made,
The task is set.
Into the woods,
But not forgetting why I'm (you're) on the journey.
Into the woods
To get my (our) wish,
It's not absurd.
I (You) will be heard!
Wakka: Into the woods to sell the bird—
Tidus: Into the woods to get the money—
Seymour: Into the woods to lift the spell—
Braska: To make the potion—
Yuna: To go too the Festival—
Rikku: Into the woods to Grandmother's house...
Into the woods to Grandmother's house...
All: The way is clear,
The light is good,
I have ho fear,
Nor no one should.
The woods are just trees,
The trees are just wood.
No need to be afraid there—
Braska, Yuna: There's something in the glade there...
All: Into the woods
Without delay,
But careful not
To lose the way.
Into the woods,
Who knows what may
Be lurking on the journey?
Into the woods
To get the thing
That makes it worth
The journeying.
Into the woods—
Donna, Clones: To see the monks—
Tidus, Wakka: To sell the bird—
Braska, Seymour: To make the potion—
All: To see-
To sell-
To get—
To bring—
To make—
To lift—
To go to the Festival--!
Into the woods!
Into the woods!
Into the woods,
Then out of the woods,
And home before dark!