Disclaimer: I don't own any characters from BtVS or Angel even though I wish I did. They all belong to Joss and the rest of the gang. I don't own the song I used either. That belongs to Peter Gabriel 'I grieve'.
_This could really stand alone, but I found it sort of fits in nicely with my new piece. This sort of gives the other story an opening. This is about ten years after the events of six after 'As you Were' This fic is mostly B/S though Buffy's not really there. Lots of flashbacks.
****Special note***** Italics are flashbacks. Italics and bold are lyrics to a song.
Relive
Prologue 'I grieve'
It was only one hour ago
It was all so different then
Nothing yet has really sunk in
"It's hot."
"Yeah."
"I mean especially for night. You'd think it would cool down a little."
"I guess." Could he not think of anything else to prattle on about. Was it that bad? That we had to chat about the weather. Me who had been alive over a hundred years and always had a verbal jab on the tip of my tongue. Could it be possible that things were so bad I couldn't find anything else to talk about but the weather. I looked over at my shoulder into the shadows and caught sight of Xander's slightly slumped form leaning on Buffy's back porch. His arms were crossed over his chest and his gaze was focused on the sky. It was that bad. I was numb.
"Sky's clear though."
I sigh deeply, but he seems to ignore me. I don't know what to say this time. Do I indulge in his poor attempt at distraction, or do I tell him to fuck off and leave? I don't know at the moment. I'm numb to everything. Nothing really seems to be happening and all we can talk about is the weather. "Yeah, but we could use some rain soon." I glance down at the wooden steps under my feet and almost choke. It is that bad and I feel it now.
"Everything's dying...I mean drying up...like plants and stuff." He prattles on endlessly for a couple of seconds as if trying to grab the air of indifference he had just been sporting, but failing miserably. From there it was just silence. A deathly silence I should have been pleased with, but I wasn't. I was confused. I was hurting.
I swallowed and looked to the steps again. They were painted the same white from so many years ago except the paint was cracking slightly and peeling. The wood was the same though. We had both sat on these stairs, as enemies, as reluctant friends, as lovers. It was too much. How could a stair a bleedin' piece of wood almost tear me to pieces. I wanted his incessant chatter back at that moment I wanted to talk about the weather. I wanted distraction.
"Why is it your always around when I'm miserable?"
"I guess that's when you're alone. I'm not much for crowds lately."
"Neither am I."
"I guess that works out nicely then doesn't it."
It's not fair. Why is she haunting me with memories? Why does looking at this spot bring every conversation back to me. I can still hear her voice her tone. I feel her sadness her happiness. I feel all of it and there's nothing I can do to make it go away. It won't let me go. What's wrong with me. I'm not supposed to care. I'm not supposed to feel like this...this gut wrenching guilt that gnaw at my stomach. I'm not supposed to feel guilty, but I do. It's eating me, killing me and all I can do is stand on the back porch with the whelp and pretend everything is fine. I haven't wondered about my feelings for her in a long time. Why all the sudden now?
"What's wrong?"
"I don't want to talk about it."
"Is there anything I can do?"
They wouldn't stop. There were an ocean of memories, new and old assaulting me all at once and refusing to be dismissed. I remembered us as enemies, I remembered us as lovers and I knew that I would never make anymore memories. I felt the tears wanting to come, but I wouldn't let them. I'd already cried with her limp body clutched against mine. I had sniveled and begged for her not to die. I had begged them not to take her. A vampire praying to who? God? God, if he existed, didn't listen to demons, no matter how noble there plea. Crying hadn't helped then, it hadn't helped the last time and I wasn't going to do it again. It didn't fill the empty void in my chest, nothing I did would make it go away. It's still there now, tearing at me and demanding something I can't give. What does it want? I tried, I tried, but it wasn't enough. I had already failed too many times.
Looks like it always did, this flesh and bone
It's just the way the we are tied in
But there's no one home
"Spike..."
His voice trails off and I know it's coming. He's going to try and make me feel better. Doesn't he understand that it doesn't help. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to think about it. I want to talk about the weather. I want to chase away the memories I want to forget. I want to forget everything.
"Spike, I-I know that I never well...I'm sorry."
I shut my eyes against his words. I'm going soft. His words almost comfort me. I can feel my demon under my skin itching to surface. He always wants out now. I want to let him out sometimes, but I restrain him. I can't talk about the weather anymore and I can't talk about her.
"Buffy she told me that..."
I can't listen to it, I don't want to hear her name on his lips. He's going to talk about how she's gone. He's going to talk about what happened. I'd avoided it for so long. I didn't want to. I was being childish, I was being stupid and down right very human, but I didn't care at the moment. I hopped off the porch and onto the grass striding across the lawn in large loping steps. I couldn't take it not now. I didn't want to.
"Spike! Wait, Spike!"
I ignore his cries. I want to yell something snide back at him to make him shut up but nothing will come, what's wrong with me? Growling angrily I yell and slam my fist into a tree as I exit her yard. I hear the wood splinter under my fist and I feel the rage, but it's nothing compared to what I still have bottled up. It wants out so badly it's screaming at me and I almost want to set it free.
I push the bushes out of my way breaking limbs and just making a lot of noise. It feels good to do that and I almost smile, almost. As I exit her back yard I start down her street. The lamps cast strange shadows on the ground and across me. Light, I used to bask in her light. Growling deep in my throat I pick up a stray piece of cement and chuck it at the street lamp. My aim is a little off but it strikes the side of the glass and bulb crackles and goes out. That section of the street is plunged into darkness. I stand there for a moment look down. I catch sight of the white shirt and black tie around my neck. I'm not this. This isn't me.
Snarling animlistically I tear off my leather duster and toss it to the side. I grab the tie, borrowed from, Xander and the shirt from Giles and I rip them to pieces. I'm black, I have no light. I'm evil. I want to scream it to the heavens. I want to tell everyone that I'm evil and it doesn't hurt, but it does. I lost her once. She died because I wasn't strong enough and now I stand in the same position, weak, grieving. I failed her again. I wasn't strong enough. I wasn't fast enough and she paid the price, again.
I watched them put her in the ground, this time it was a night ceremony, they did that for me, so I could go, but there wasn't any closer. I watched them bury her body and my soul and I was empty, but now afterward I can't face it. I can't do it again. I know she's not coming back, but the guilt builds in me threatening to break free. I killed her. I did it twice. I should have been proud. A long time ago I would have been.
I fall to my knees and sit there. I try to stop breathing, I don't need to. I don't breath I'm dead. She had always made me feel alive, but I was dead. I died a long time ago. After a few seconds I calm slightly and I stop taking breaths and I sink to the cement sitting in the darkness I wait, for what I'm not sure. I'm not sure of too much these days. I hadn't slept in five days. Not since that night. I couldn't sleep in our bed, not with her scent everywhere and her... I was used to her heartbeat thudding against my chest at night lulling me into slumber, and sometimes during the day, but always with her.
"Spike, come inside, please."
I know that voice. I don't want her to see me like this. I don't want anyone to see me like this. Like a stubborn child I turn my head away from her and shrug out of her grasp. I didn't even hear her coming closer. I was losing my touch. "Go away lil' bit." I couldn't call her that anymore. She was grown. She was in college she was engaged. She didn't need me to protect her anymore.
"I won't let you do this to yourself. It's not your fault. It was never your fault."
She was pleading and even in the darkness I could see the sincerity in her eyes. I had always loved her for her show of compassion towards me. She had been more accepting of me than anyone, she was like my lil' sis. It was gut wrenching I had to get away. I didn't want look at her or think about any of it.
"Just go away, Dawn." I'd never really called her by her name. "Go back inside, just leave me alone." And with that I did the most cowardly thing yet. I grabbed my jacket and ran. It felt good to pump my legs and arms and feel my tightly coiled muscles let loose. It felt so good. I ran all the way to my the cemetery, to where my car was parked not to far from my old crypt. I climbed into the driver's seat and let the engine roar to life as I headed out of Sunnydale. I didn't know where I was going exactly, but I need to let out some tension. I wanted to fight and then I wanted to get so drunk. I want to consume a bloody distillery.
I grieve, and you'll leave, me
So hard to move on
They say life carries on, carries on, and on, and on, and on
I know this bar. I'd gone there a lot after Dru left, that is before I came to Sunnydale to end the slayer's life, again. It was a demon and human bar, but demons mostly occupied the space. I opened the doors savagely and scanned the room. There weren't many present that night, but they would do. All I had to do was pick a real good fight and everything would feel better. I small smirk reminiscent of happier times crossed my lips. I stalked to the bar swaggering like I usually did.
"Give me a bottle of bourbon." I demanded from the bartender. He looked me over slowly and handed the bottle over the counter with a shot glass beside it.
"Ten bucks." He said.
I glared at him and grabbed the neck of the bottle before I turned away from the bar and sunk into a chair. The bartender didn't say anything else to me, but I knew he would get his if I didn't pay. The atmosphere was smoky and loud, this was just what I needed. I took a swing from the bottle and felt it burn down my throat, it felt good, it felt really good. I was going to drink until I didn't have to think about her, until I could forget about her and then I was going to fight.
"Back against the wall nothing but fist and fangs." I sang merrily as I drank the last of my bourbon. I took another swig. As I sat there the alcohol making a merry run through my system my thoughts started to wander. I thought of her, I thought of what I'd lost.
"Why don't you try on my world for once?" Spike asked as he watched the slayer throw back another swig of bourbon. He smiled slightly when her face wrinkled up slightly and she gagged.
"Does your world have drinks?"
I chuckled to myself. She had been so wasted. I remember the clumsy way she had tried to fight that demon. If it hadn't been so weak she might have been in trouble. She most definitely wasn't much of a drinker. Even if she had been angry at the end of the night she had spent the entire night with me, willingly. Back then that had been an incredible triumph. Things after that had gotten progressively worse, with slight moments of good in-between. It hadn't been until later when we'd gotten past the shit and gone back to what it really was. We danced around the issue for so long. I'd had been so sick of it so ready to give up.
Spike paced in front of her. She was there again, she was torturing, haunting him except this time she was real, he couldn't take it anymore. She was driving him crazy. "Why do you insist on making my life hard?" Spike asked and ignored the startled look she gave him. "Stake me for God's sake, for my sake, but end the torture. I can't live like this, hell I can't even bloody die like this. I need to know if you want me. I need to know if the blood screaming in me to love you, to hold you, is telling me the truth. I need to know, Buffy," His voice lost it's sharp edge for a moment and Spike looked at her sincerely, pleadingly. He had never left himself so open to her. He was begging, "now if you love me." Spike trailed off and backed away.
"We keep coming back to this place. I keep feeling you. I know you want me, why can't you accept that. I am a monster, but I love you Buffy, I've changed for you, for good." Spike leaned against the crypt wall afraid to look at her but he had too. What met him shocked him completely. She was staring at him intently her eyes shining with, emotion? His undead heart almost started beating.
"Spike, I..." She trailed off and Spike turned away.
"Never mind. You've told me, I shouldn't have thought things were different."
"Listen to me Spike." Buffy stood in front of him her fingers pulling his face around to look into her eyes. "I try to fight you. I try to fight your love, your affection, everything and I can't. I thought it was obsession, that I was using you, but no matter how wrong my mind tells me this is my heart tells me to go to you." She had tears streaming down her cheeks and Spike reached to brush them away, but Buffy stopped his hand. Shutting her eyes and shaking her head. "So here I am. I love you Spike. However wrong and weird that is..."
Spike stopped her speech with a kiss. He didn't need to hear any more. His heart surged with him and pulled her closer breathing her in remembering her. It had been so long since he'd held her in his arms. It had been so many years, long nights, since he could hold her. Now she was his, she had said so. She loved him and he was free.
The news that truly shirks is the empty, empty page
While the final rattle rucks, it's empty, empty cage
And I can't handle this
I swallowed hard the pain almost unbearable. I didn't want to do this. This was why I'd left in the first place. I didn't want to think about her. I didn't want to do this. This little trip down memory lane had the potential to kill me. Growling angrily I smashed the bottle against the counter spraying the liquid over the counter top and onto the demons sitting behind m. One of them began cursing in his tongue and I jumped out of my booth to face them. Smirking I didn't say a word, but punched one of them in the face.
Spike was nervous. He paced in Buffy's kitchen and silently thanked the gods he didn't sweat because he would be pouring buckets. His fingers went into this duster pocket and he pulled out a small ring box and clutched it. It was a present for her. Spike put it back and ran his hand through his hair messing his platinum blond hair into curls. He wasn't stupid, he knew she couldn't wouldn't marry him, but he had to let her know that his feelings ran just as deep. He wanted her to know that he was there for her, for life.
"So you ready to patrol. I looking forward to a little ass kicking. Since you and me made up," She winked, "I don't have anyone to vent my frustrations on."
"I thought we'd found other ways to ugh, relieve our frustrations." Spike said grinning madly.
"Maybe." Buffy said grinning. "Come on we got the nasty to stop." She grabbed Spike's arm and pulled him toward the door, but Spike didn't move.
Buffy turned around and looked at him curiously. He was staring at her hard his eyes wide and he took a deep breath even though she knew he didn't have to. "What's wrong?" She asked her eyes widening in fear.
"Nothing." Spike amended quickly and crossed the room grabbing her arm and pulling her toward the counter. He sat her down in one of the stools and gestured for her to wait. "I just gotta say something." Spike paced for a moment and put his hand in his pocket and pulled out the box. He saw the fearful look on his slayer's face and for a moment he felt disappointed, she really didn't want him like that. He shook his head pushing that aside. He had known she wouldn't. He had to say this quick.
"Listen, Buffy, I'm not asking you to give up your life." He handed her the box and took a moment to watch her admire the white gold ring with an interrogate swirling pattern etched into the precious metal and marvel at the shining blue stone embedded in the center of the designs. He was right she liked it. Ignoring his sense of accomplishment he pressed on. "You don't have to forget about children and that damn white picket fence you deserve. This is just to let you know where I always stand. I know you can't marry me and I don't want that, not really. I just want you to know where I stand is always beside you."
Not much was said in the way of words after that and patrol was forgotten for one night.
I groaned as one of the demons picked up a barstool and smashed it over my back. That was going to leave a very unpleasant bruise. I hesitated for just a moment savoring the pain and the absence of thought it brought before I jumped back to his feet. "That all you got?" I asked and picked up one of the stool legs and smashed him over the head with it. His head swung back slightly and I dropped the leg and punched the demon in the stomach. My knuckles scraped and cracked against the tough hide, but I didn't care. The pain felt good. I jumped up and kicked the demon across the face and watched as he flew across the room and smashed into an empty booth.
Red, it covered his hands in a thick running stream. Looking at his fingers bathed in the warmth and glow of his love, his slayer. Her life her essence. His fist began to tremble and the smell repulsed him.
I grieve, for you
You'll leave, me
Let me out of my vault
Missing what's gone
They say life carries on
They say life carries on, and on, and on
Spike screamed as he let a volley of punches land on the demons wayward partner. The scaly beast flew through the air and into the wall. It didn't get back up. The other demon had already been knocked out. Spike was breathing heavily, his chest heaving, his game face firmly in place. Turning slightly he looked for something else to vent on. Everyone had made a pretty clear circle around him and the broken furniture his little scuffle had caused.
"You can't do this, not in here!" The bartender yelled and hopped over the counter. "It's best if you just leave." He grabbed the lapels of Spike's jacket, making the vampire break into a grin.
"That so." Spike cocked his head to the side and punched the small humanoid demon in the nose and watched as he fell the ground clutching his injury. Blood poured under his fingers.
Spike hardly caught the ending of the fight. He turned from his opponent grinning like mad at his victory when he saw the demon sneaking up on the slayer. She was defending herself rather well against the first two, but the third had a sword. Spike knew she was far away but he could make it. It was only a few hundred feet after all. Breaking into a run Spike ran to help her.
When he'd only covered a few feet the demon with the long sword had joined the fray. Things looked less even. Spike quickened his pace as Buffy stumbled and then it was too late. The demon behind her thrust the sword through her back and her stomach. The blade burst through her abdomen before he gave the blade a vicious twist and pulled it out.
"No!" Spike screamed his pace increasing yet again as he watched her fall to the ground. The demons were already on her, trying to devour her, to relish in their victory.
There was no one left to fight. The bar was in ruins the chairs and liqueur bottles busted. Spike put his hand to his head and felt the cold blood running down the side of his face. His blood. Wining he stepped through the crowd feeling the onslaught of bruises making themselves present on his beaten body. He clutched his chest with one free hand and limped out the door. It hung half-way off it's hinges and a passed out vamp was sitting in the entry way.
The darkness surrounded him as he got back into his car still feeling the rage running through him and the anger refused to leave. He cranked his car jerking the ignition violently and as the rumbles of the engine shook his body he closed his eyes his head falling onto the steering wheel. Clutching the wheel with both hands, he opened and closed his hands running his palms along the familiar plastic. Spike shook his head and felt the tears streaming down his cheeks. He didn't want to cry. He didn't want to do this, but the memories refused to fade. He couldn't forget that it was his fault.
Life carries on in the people I meet
And everyone that's out on the street
You know the dogs and the cats
and the flies and the rats
and the ruin and the rust
in the ashes and the dust
The demons were dead, lying around the both of them like the scenes out of a clique action film. Spike lifted Buffy off the ground holding his hand over her stomach and pressing on it, trying to somehow make the blood stop flowing. Her warm life ran over his hand into his skin. He could smell the life leaving her and death claiming her body. She'd lost too much blood, the wound had hit something vital. She was going to die. He knew yet he refused to admit it.
"Buffy, luv, can you hear me?" He asked shaking her slightly his voice calmer than it had ever been.
Buffy lifted her eyes slightly and shuddered under his hold. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing, luv." Spike said still denying what he could see happening. The life was draining from her cheeks. He couldn't stop it. He swallowed and looked over his shoulder, desperate for someone, something to help him.
"He got me didn't he?" Buffy asked as she looked down her eyes not even widening at the sight of her own flowing blood.
"Don't worry about it." Spike said calmly. "We're going to get you out of here." With that Spike lifted her one arm around her back and the under her knees. "Put your hand on the wound, luv. Hold it there." Spike moved her fingers to press into her wound and flinched when her heard her hiss.
"It's hard to breathe."
"It'll be okay." Spike whispered and hugged her closer. "We'll be okay."
"Did one of them get you?" Buffy asked looking him over carefully with her intense green eyes.
"Hardly a cut, pet." He said absently his eyes scanning the end of the graveyard for a car or something to take them to a hospital.
"Good." She said in almost a low sigh. "I can't breathe real well. I think they got something." She gasped out.
Spike looked down at her briefly. There was a red trail coming out her mouth and dripping down her pale chin. He could feel her clammy, sweaty skin even through her clothes.
I gripped the wheel tighter until I could feel the plastic wheel painfully against my skin. I heard the plastic crack and then splinter as I crushed it under my fingers. Outraged, I jumped from the car pulled back my foot and kicked the tire. I kicked it again hitting the rim with my heel and bending it inward. Buffy was gone, I had let her die.
Spike dropped to his knees finally realizing it was hopeless. He couldn't save her. He'd failed her again. He gazed down at her seeing her wandering green eyes and knew there wasn't much time left. He wanted to tell her so much at that moment. He wanted to tell her that she meant everything to him, that she was his soul, his life. He wanted to tell her everything he had ever thought, but there wasn't enough time..
"Please, Buffy." Spike whispered running his fingers through her short blond locks. "Look at me, pet. Look at me Buffy." He was afraid he was too late when her eyes refused to focus on him, but eventually they stilled. "I love you Buffy." He whispered to her and placed a warm chaste kiss on her cold lips. She was dying right before his eyes.
Buffy smiled shallowly and reached a hand up to brush his cheek. She smiled her eyes looking warm and focused. She didn't say anything before her eyes left his deep blue balls of ice and her hand dropped to her side.
Spike felt her entire body sag as her weight settled on him. Letting the tears finally fall he hugged her close to him ignoring the blood. "Don't leave me Buffy, not again. Pet," He brought his shaking hand to her face and brushed it lightly. "Buffy, I'm sorry."
I yanked the wheel violently and turned onto Revello drive. There were still a few cars in the driveway. One was the watcher's he was staying here before he went back to England the other was the bit's. She was in college still but had taken two weeks off when she'd heard the news. I ignored the driveway and parked on the curb one of my tires running over the rise and scrapping loudly on the sidewalk. I swaggered up the walk my tears forgotten and replaced by anger. I was sick of this I wanted to leave.
The halls were dark and I knew that it was late. Dawn wouldn't have gone to bed unless it was really late. I walked up the stairs quietly not really wanting to wake her but more than that I didn't want a confrontation. I stalked down the hall passing Buffy's old room where the Watcher was sleeping and past Dawn's room to our room, mine and Buffy's. My hand hovered over the knob for a moment shaking slightly. It hadn't always been our room. It was her mom's first, then the witches, and when they'd moved out he and Buffy had claimed it as their own. It was slightly different, with a little of each of us combined and thick dark curtains covering the windows to block out the morning sun. I didn't linger on the bed. A place where sacred things had been said and nights of endless passion had been spent. Instead I stalked past it and opened the closet. I gazed at the complete divide of our stuff. My side was mostly black with a few gray's and an occasional blue to appease Buffy and her side was an array of colors. I froze my hand gripping the frame as I thought of her. I could see her laughing her hair flying around her face, it was a fantasy, it wasn't real, but I could almost touch her.
Life carries on and on and on and on, life carries on and on and on
Just like the car that we ride in
The home we reside in
The face that we hide in
The way we are tied in
As life carries on and on and on, life carries on and on and on
I pulled myself out of the illusion reluctantly and back to reality. I grabbed a few of the clothes still on the hangers and threw them onto the bed behind me. Next I yanked a large duffel bag out of the top of the closet and tossed it there as well. I was about to turn around and leave, but something told me to stop. Maybe it was foolish and slightly obsessive, but I kneeled in front of the closet and riffled through the basket of dirty clothes against the dresser. I pulled out a light blue sweater and tossed it onto the bed. I didn't have to smell it to know it smelled like her. It was stupid, but I couldn't bring himself to put it back. Opening one of the drawers, I began to pull out a few pairs of pants and toss them into the pile.
"I was wondering when you'd get back?"
I looked up and saw Dawn standing in the doorway. Her light brown hair was a slight mess and she was wearing a pair of pale blue pajamas with the words 'Princess' scrawled across the front. She covered her mouth and yawned slightly. I didn't say anything but nodded at her.
"What are you doing?"
I looked at her and saw the slightly shocked look on her face and the caught the hitch in her voice. I didn't want to answer her, but I knew I had to. Things were a lot different. I'd never be able to leave without a word. I stopped stuffing things into my bag and looked at her thoughtfully for a moment.
"You got a boyfriend, now don't you bit." I asked and sat on the edge of the bed and pulled a cigarette out of my duster pocket. I put the stick between my lips but didn't light it. Buffy hated it when I smoked in the house. A silent voice warned me that she wasn't there anymore, but I ignored it. It was a comfort to me to just let it sit there.
"Yeah." She looked confused her eyes wide and her head shaking. "What does that..."
I cut her off and glanced at her with a solemn expression. She would usually listen to me when I looked at her like that. Buffy had been the same way. In fact their expressions were a lot alike. "Is he good to you lil' bit?'
She was silent for a moment before she set her jaw and smiled slightly. "Treats me like a queen."
"Bloody well better." I said and trailed off slightly before I started again. I took the cigarette out of my mouth and twirled it between my fingers. "He does anything to hurt you...anything I'll kill him." I looked at her seriously. "Chip or not."
She smiled almost laughing. "I'll make sure he gets the threat."
"Good." I went back to packing not really sure why I had even said that. I hadn't answered her question I guess I supposed she would just leave, but she didn't.
"Spike, that's great and everything, but you didn't even answer my question." She stepped into the room and sank onto the bed beside me and fingered a few of my shirts absently. "I don't need you to tell me why your beat up and bleeding. I pretty much can guess that, but Spike I..." She trailed off clarity running over her features. "I don't want you to go."
I knew she wasn't stupid. She knew I was leaving, heck anyone who came into the room would be able to see I was cleaning it out. "Don't make this harder than it is." I said getting to my feet and stuffing more clothes into my bag. "There are no other scenarios. Sunnydale never gave me anything but bleedin' problems."
I looked up just as I zipped the large part of my bag closed. Her eyes were tearing as if I was tearing something from her. I felt bad about it. I didn't know why the Summer's, these people, had such a hold over me, but I stopped.
"You promised." She stuttered. "You promised to protect me." She gripped the sheet with her fists and looked up at me again a few tears falling down her pale cheeks. "On your love for my sister you swore you'd watch over me." She got determined again her jaw set. "For that reason alone you have to stay!"
I watched her my head cocked slightly and strode to where she stood I took her hand in mine and ran my thumb over her skin and my other hand smoothed her hair. "Look, lil' bit, Dawn, I said I'd protect you because of you, not for you're sister. You don't need me to take care of you anymore." I saw her face fall again and wiped a few of her tears away. "You have your boyfriend." I swallowed. "You said he treats you like a queen." She nodded at me slowly unable to speak. I smiled a little at that. "When he stops doing that I'll come back." I allowed myself to sit there for a moment before I pulled away. I wondered why I was leaving for a moment before I went to the dresser and nicked a few pictures of her off the counter and shoved them in my bag. I grabbed one of her necklaces and started out the door.
"Tell the witches they can live here. The payments are all made and as long as they keep all Buffy's stuff and mine they can do whatever they want."
She didn't stop me. I really didn't expect her to. I didn't know where I was going, or what I would do when I got there, but I knew if I stayed here I would be consumed by her memory. I would drown. I had to get away. I need to understand why it hurt me so badly. I knew I loved her. I just wanted to know why.
"You're all I bloody think about, dream about. You're in my gut, my throat. I'm drowning in ya Summers. I'm drowning in you."
Did I dream this belief, or did I believe this dream
Now I will find relief
I grieve