Disclaimer: I don't own Btvs and Angel characters

-Lots of B/S stuff in this chapter angst and a little fluff

Relive

Chapter 3 'A Trip Down Memory Lane'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~````````` ( November 2002)

Spike felt it like an intense wave of nausea sweeping over his body. His head started to pound and his stomach started to do flips in his abdomen. He felt like he had a hangover. Where had it come from? Seconds ago he had been watching the telly waiting for the conclusion of his favorite show, Passions, to come when it had hit him. He gasped even though he didn't have to and clutched the arm of his couch ripping the fabric with his fingers and his eyes turned yellow and the ridges between his eyes surfaced as he let out a low growl.

"My Spike, your princess is here. He hurt me Spike. He beat me up and hurt me, but it's all gone now like your love for me, all gone."

Just as soon as the voice had washed over him it faded. He had almost felt Dru's hands running over his body pulling him to her whispering in his ear like she had for nearly a hundred years. Her voice had been sweet just like he remember, his princess. It had been his princess, his princess saying goodbye. A choked sob left his throat and he forgot all about the TV. It couldn't be Dru was gone, dead, she was dead. The first tears slipped from under his eyes before he could stop it and he sobbed quietly for her and the fact that she had died hurtfully. Her voice had been so weak.

Spike awoke on the floor his face feeling oddly stiff and his stomach eerily empty. Then he remembered. It poured over him like a bucket of cold water and he shivered. She was gone. His Dru, he was her knight, she was his princess, she was dead. That's exactly how he felt dead. Without her he had nothing. Buffy, the slayer, didn't love him. She had told him so and despite what they'd shared she'd rejected him again and again. He was alone and now his only love had left him. Even though darkness had fallen all around him he didn't care to light a candle instead he reached a shaking hand out and flipped off the television letting himself be plunged into the darkness. He sat like that for a long time depressed and unable to move. He forgot that he was supposed to meet the slayer to patrol that night. He forgot about everything.

"Spike? Spike are you in here?"

The voice wafted to him out of now where. He could vaguely catch the moonlight as it drifted in through the crack in his door. It was her. Maybe she would do him a favor and shove a stake through his heart and end his torment. He was as bleedin' pathetic as he had been as a human weak, and helpless. If he got her mad enough maybe she would end it for him. He could only hope. Shaking slightly Spike gripped the end of the clear bottle of liquor he had found earlier that day and took a lengthy swig. If he was going to end it he might as well build up his courage. Drunk was a good way to go.

"Spike, where were you? Spike?"

"Over here Slayer." He slurred steadily and came to his feet swaying slightly on his unsteady feet and wondered if it was because he hadn't eaten. He wondered if it would be better to die on a full stomach or an empty one. Either one sounded appealing at the moment and well the fridge was too far of a trip.

"Spike? What are you doing. It's dark as hell in here." He caught sight of her blurring form as she reached into her pocket and pulled out a couple of matches she lit a few candles around where she stood and gazed into the darkness looking for him. "Why didn't you show. I was surround my demons tonight. It must be some sort of holiday for them."

"That so." Spike said distractedly and took another swig from his bottle. He wondered if she'd stake him quicker if he tried to jump her, or if he tried to kill her. He guessed trying to jump her would be more fun he might be able to get a kiss before he died.

"What's wrong with you? Are you drinking?" Buffy stepped out of the flickering light to where he was standing she had one candle cradled in her palm as she made her way to where he stood. The light did very little to illuminate his face, mostly it cast shadows across his features but she could tell one thing he was not looking too happy.

"Drinking myself into a bloody stupor." Spike said rising his voice to mock cheerfulness. "You want some." He shoved the bottle at her, but she pushed it out of her way. "Where are your light switches, or did your bulbs burn out?"

"Neither." Spike said not really thinking about the question.

"What do you mean neither. You're really plastered aren't you? I haven't seen you this drunk in well ever." She set the candle on an end table and reached for the bottle in an attempt to pull it from his hand. Spike pulled it out of her reach and shook his head.

"No, no naughty slayer. You can't have any now. You said no." He took another drink and let a smile spread across his face when she reached for the bottle again leaning close to him. Spike took the initiative and grabbed her waist pulling her to the floor with him when he fell. Magically the bottle remained intact and the contents still inside. Grinning Spike let go of the bottle for a moment and pulled Buffy against him grinding his hips upward. "Want some of this?"

"Spike, let me up." Buffy protested and struggled under his tight drunken hold. She was confused this wasn't like him. He was never like this.

"What's wrong don't want. Well I do." He pulled her closer his hand wrapping around her butt and pushing her into him. "You know you want it." He whispered and flicked his tongue over her ear before forcing her mouth against his in a sloppy and desperate kiss.

He had never been like this. He had never forced himself on her. Buffy struggled a small amount of fear creeping into her before she was able to get an arm free and she punched him in the nose gaining enough leverage to rock back on her heels. "What's you're problem. Are you looking to die!" Buffy yelled and almost jumped back when he shot up his face inches from her's. He his hands around her waist his lip curling up seductively.

"You promise." He said slowly and grabbed her breast and squeezed it hard. If that didn't do it he didn't' t know what would. Within seconds he felt it pressed against his chest promising sweet release and he let a genuine smile cross his lips finally the torture was over. He was ready to slip away when instead of something running through his unbeating heart he felt her fingers on his cheeks. She was running them over his face. She was wiping his tears. Slowly Spike opened his eyes. She was looking at him with so much concern it tore at his heart. It didn't mean anything though. She didn't care. She had told him. He had no one.

"What happened to you Spike. Why...why are you crying." She was almost in disbelief as her fingers continued to stroke him lovingly. "Tell me." She pleaded.

Spike almost believed she was sincere. His heart surged with the possibility but it couldn't be. She had told him. She had almost killed him. She didn't love him. Despite what his mind was saying his mouth moved on it own drunken accord. "Dead. She's dead. She died." He shook his head his eyes closing as more tears threatened him. He was always so much worse when he was drunk. Why did he have to get drunk.

"Who. Whose dead?" Buffy asked gripping his firmly and making him open his eyes.

"Dru. She I felt her..." Spike trailed off with the look she gave him. She didn't understand. She didn't love him. "Bloody hell." He said suddenly and pushed her with all his strength off of him. "Leave me alone." He grabbed his half empty bottle of liquor and sprinted into the night. He didn't know where he was gong and hell he didn't really care. Half way up the cemetery hill Spike stumbled and fell. He lay there sprawled on the cool night grass and took another sip of his liquor. He didn't even remember what he was drinking anymore. Did it matter? He guessed it didn't. When the sun rose the next morning he was going to get his release. It would be over. He would be free of the both of them, of the woman he had tried to love but each time it hadn't been enough. He lay there for a minute before he felt her presence looming over him again.

"Go away." He spat venomously and opened his shaking eyes and glared at her before he took another drink.

"What so I can leave you to drink yourself into a drunken stupor and boil in the sunlight after you pass out?" Buffy asked her hands on her hips and her mouth set in a line.

"Yeah that's about the gist of it." Spike told her frowning. "Now go away before you block my on coming sunlight."

"No."

Spike growled and sat up the bottle rolling from his limp fingers and sliding down the hill. "I'm not asking. I'm telling. I don't want to live. If you don't want to wait to sunlight you can stake me but otherwise leave me to my suicide."

"No." Buffy said again and this time she kneeled in front of him. "Why are you doing this? Why do you want to die." Her eyes were shining with emotion and Spike flattered for a moment in his planning. Maybe there was something hidden beneath those hateful glares.

"I have nothing left. I've out lived my existence. Dru left me and now she's dead. I don't have anything else." He let his head fall into his hands.

"You have me." Buffy said suddenly. "You have me and you have Dawn. We're here for you. Spike we need you."

Spike looked up the alcohol swimming in his empty stomach. "What?"

"I said you have me and Dawn."

"So you don't want me to die?" Spike asked stupidly the slayer swaying in front of him.

"You're already dead." Buffy said slowly a smile quirking her features. "That's kinda impossible." She didn't get to finish her quip though because Spike fell into her arms wrapping his hands around her shoulders. He sobbed into her shirt.

"I felt her go. Cor, Slayer I felt her turn to dust. She spoke to me before she left. She called me her knight. What kind of knight am I. I let her die. I let her down just like I let you down."

Buffy pulled him closer her chest swelling with the hurt she felt. She never thought she would feel that way about Spike. Spike was her mortal enemy, Spike was...was her friend, and her for a while her lover. Spike was more important to her than she had ever thought. "You never let me down Spike. Never. You protected Dawn. Even when I was gone you watched over her." Buffy smoothed his hair with her hand and held him until the tears stopped and he became slack in her arms. "I love you Spike." She whispered under her breath and placed a chaste kiss on his forehead before heaving his unconscious body onto her shoulder. She carried him back to his crypt and lay him in his bed. "Maybe one day I'll be able to tell you." She whispered before she blew out the candle by his bed. She didn't think it would be good for her to go home so she curled up on his couch and wrapped a throw around her shoulders. Within moments her eyes were closed and she was asleep.

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Spike picked up his bag and tossed it down the hole to the bottom of the crypt and jumped down after it his feet hitting the floor with a slight jarring shock running up his spine. It had been a long time since he'd been back here. Most of the furniture was still there, though covered in a thick layer of dust and dirt. The power no longer worked but there were a few candles laying around the place and he lit a few of them with his lighter and was able to see better in the darkness. The bed was still there, right where he'd left it when he'd moved out of the crypt. There were still the same white sheets covering the mattress. Vaguely he wondered if they could possibly still smell like her.

~~~~~~~~~`````

"Mmmm Spike I love you."

Spike pulled her closer to his side and ran his hands over her bare arms. He felt her leg wrapping around his her ankle twisting around his calf as she rolled closer to him placing on of her hands on his chest and the other in his hair twirling the curls around her fingers.

"I love you too." Spike said seriously. He never thought he'd be here, his slayer, his love tucked next to his side telling him that she loved him.

~~~~~~~~`````

Spike blinked making the small image vanish and crept toward the bed. It creaked when he set his weight on it. The sheets smelled old and stale without use. Through the old basement like smell he coudln't find any trace of her natural scent or the lotion she used to where with in the sheets. He only had his memories and it had been so long they were fading steadily. He didn't understand why it hurt so bad. He'd loved her, sure, but he'd loved Dru as well and when she'd died he hadn't been any less depressed. The only difference was that when Dru died he had had Buffy. Buffy loved him demon and man. Buffy loved everything about him. Dru had loved his demon and when the man had started to come through she had denied him. He was man and beast and he knew that no one would see him as anything other than beast until he eventually turned to dust.

Was that why he couldn't get her out of his head? Why her voice followed him in his dreams and even sometimes in his waking hours? He saw her when he closed his eyes. He dreamed of her. He was still drowning in her and it seemed as if he was losing the battle. He couldn't' keep his head above the water anymore and if he was honest with himself he didn't really want to. Spike sat up and pulled off his shoes. He wanted to sleep, maybe this once in his dreams he would find peace. Not bothering with the rest of his clothes he crawled up the mattress and sank into it's stale comfort his eyes shutting as his head hit the pillow. Nothing smelled like it should, it was too dark it wasn't right. Spike mumbled half way in-between awake and asleep but sleep wouldn't come. He thoughts had moved from Buffy to the resent discussion he'd had with Angelus.

Spike felt his brow crease at the thought of his sire. He had everything that Spike wanted. He had the one he loved. He wasn't alone. Angel had managed to tear Drusilla away from him and according to him pushed him toward Buffy in the first place. What did he know anyway? Angelus hadn't been with him after Buffy died. He hadn't seen the pain he'd gone through. He would never now what it had felt like to loose her. He didn't know anything.

He wasn't good, he couldn't be and this new problem the one with the slayer he had no part in it. It was meaningless for him to even think about it. Yet as his eyes drifted shut he thought about her and how untrained she was. She would be luck to last another year, and maybe if she did that she could possibly stand up and face what she had to. Finally his thoughts started to drift and he reached his arm across the bed. It fell on nothing but empty air and a cold mattress.

"Buffy..." he whispered in a sleep filled anguish. "Buffy..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~````````(2005)

"And look I even cleared out a spot for your CD's!" Buffy said triumphantly as if it were the answer to the mysteries of the universe. "Granted you won't get to listen to any of them, but hey they always have a space on our...ahh." Buffy ended her sentence with a yelp as Spike grabbed her around the waist and pulled her away from her stereo system.

"Can't live without my music luv." He said into her neck and nuzzled her closely. "Besides you are due for a little culture." He released his hold slightly and smiled at her seductively. "you have not idea until you've done it to the Sex Pistols."

"You can't be serious." Buffy said and pushed out of his hold. "I think the only possibly thing to do to that kind of music is well...well...I don't think there is use for that kind of music." Buffy stated off handily and grabbed a couple of his CD's from a box he'd brought over. "The Ramones....? Gag me."

"Classics pet." Spike said plunking the disk from her hand and making his way to the shelf. He set it in the small rack and scanned the vast selection before him. After a moment he snorted and grabbed a CD.

"What?" Buffy asked distracted from viewing the rest of the contents of his box.

"You make fun of my music and you listen to nancy boy's like 'N'Sync." He rolled his eyes. "I'm sure they've bloody played at carnage hall."

"Ha, ha, that's Dawn's anyway." Buffy said rolling her eyes as she pulled out a bottle of Scotch. "What do you need this for?"

"Like a little nightcap now and then." Spike said truthfully. "No harm in that."

"Whatever." Buffy said and dropped it back in the box. "You got anything else interesting in here?"

"Don't know sweetheart. I never knew you were so into my so called 'junk'." Spike observed and left the CD's to sit beside her.

"Already seen all my junk. Yours is so much more interesting." Buffy said as she reached further into the box and pulled out a candle. "Candle's are kinda a big no, no." Buffy said and waved it slowly. "You know the whole Willow no magic thing."

Spike nodded. "It's been a while, don't you think she'd be okay with it?"

Buffy shook her head. "I don't know. All I can say is I don't like to tempt and this is definitely temptation."

Spike shrugged. "Fine you can throw it away." He reached into his pocket and pulled out his pack of cigarettes. He pounded on the box for a moment before letting one of the cylinder's fall into his hands. He had it between his lips and was about to light it when Buffy's limber fingers came into view and she plucked it from his grasp. "Hey!"

"No smoking in the house." Buffy said ignoring his pouty look. "I mean it." She broke the cigarette in half and smiled at him mockingly. "From now on it's outside. I don't want my house all smoky."

Spike growled and sent her descending glare before jumping on her and knocking her to the ground they rolled for a moment before she ended up on the bottom and he pinned her hands at her wrists. "You insult my music, my stuff, and now you take my cigarettes! Do you have any idea how much they cost?"

Buffy wasn't intimidated in the least and smiled at him lazily. "So why don't you just quit."

"I've been smoking for a long time pet. I'm exactly inching to quit." Spike said evenly. "Besides it makes me look bad." He winked at her and shifted slightly releasing her wrists.

Buffy didn't hesitate in a second she was on top of his up turned body pinning his arms. "Really. So you're telling me your going to smoke in the house?"

Spike grinned at her. "I'll make sure to do it while listening to the Sex Pistols and drinking the orange juice from the carton, and then I'll put the empty carton back in the fridge."

"Oh...I'm trembling." Buffy said suppressing a giggle.

"I can make you tremble." Spike said suggestively and leaned foreword. He brushed his lips over her neck. Immediately the mood shifted completely.

Buffy could feel the heat running to her face and throughout her body. She let his arms go and leaned foreword her hair brushing against his face. He was staring at her with so much intensity his eyes shining with lust and love she had begun to recognize and love. Slowly she dipped her head and caught his wanton lips in hers surrounding to the passion they always generated.

"Oh! Come on don't tell me I'm going to run into this everyday after school!" Dawn called and covered her eyes with her geometry book. "You're in the family room. You know the one where everybody comes when they come through the door."

Buffy split apart immediately. Buffy could feel the blush creeping across her cheeks as she hopped to her feet. She had been just moments away from having sex with him right there. "We weren't..." Buffy started, but Dawn cut her off.

"Don't even try to cover." She put the book down and grinned. "I'm going to my room and I'd better not hear any scaring noises."

"Oops." Spike said.

Buffy turned a grin on him. "That's an understatement. From now on where going to have to think about where we...you know."

"I think about it all the time." Spike said honestly and Buffy smacked him on the arm.

"I'm serious." Buffy said and grabbed hold of his arm and pulled him toward the kitchen. "Okay new rule. No where were Dawn can accidentally walk in...that means only the bedroom okay."

"Never anywhere else." Spike asked looking crestfallen.

"Well, maybe when no ones home or when they're busy." She trailed off when he stalked toward her again and pulled her against his chest.

"How about now." Spike whispered and ran his hand down her thigh and up her side.

Buffy deeply her eyes rolling back with the feel of his fingers on her skin. Even through the fabric he made her shiver. "Ahhh Spike." She whispered before catching his lips again and slamming into the kitchen counter knocking a couple of dishes on the floor shattering them. Both were lost in the other forgetting that a few minutes ago they had agreed not to do this.

"That's it! I'm moving out!" Dawn said and threw her arms over her head. She gazed disapprovingly at Spike who was giving her a dumbfounded look from underneath her sister. They were on top of the counter tangled in each other. Buffy just looked embarrassed. "When I agreed to have him move in here, I didn't think you'd be...all the time...everywhere."

"Sorry niblet." Spike said and attempted to untangle himself from Buffy and only ended up making it worse. He gave a hard yank trying to free his legs and promptly dropped off the counter and hit the floor with a thud. "Ow." He moaned and rubbed the back of his head where he'd struck the ground.

Buffy was embarrassed. "I uh...we..." Buffy looked over her shoulder at Spike. "um...uh...do you...what do you want for dinner? I'm cooking." She laughed shortly and picked up a pot.

"Ouch still on the floor here!" Spike called his protest. "Didn't take you bloody long to forget about the undead man on the floor."

Dawn rolled her eyes and crossed her arms. "I'm forgiving you guys this time because, well Buffy actually offered to make dinner and Spike well..." Dawn laughed. "That was really embarrassing."

"Laugh it up niblet." Spike said getting to his feet. "We'll see how funny it is when you're the one with a concussion."

"All right." Buffy said and put her hand over her heart. "I swear that won't happen again." Buffy glared at Spike and swatted him from the other side of the counter. "and so does Spike."

"Yeah," Spike said. "Didn't mean to damage you."

"No harm done." Dawn said honestly. "I just like making you two squirm now if you want to make up for it. Buffy don't cook anything we're ordering out and the both of you are spending the night hanging out with me." Dawn grabbed Buffy's and the sleeve of Spike's coat pulling them both into the livingroom.

"I'm sorry Dawnie." Buffy said and linked her arm with Dawn's.

"No problem we can listen to music and watch movie and stuff." Dawn said smiling. "I like have Spike around your easy to guilt trip."

"Can we listen to my music?" Spike asked from behind him.

Both woman turned and in complete unison said. "No."

"What? Why the hell not? What's with this I'm surrounded by people with no taste. It's completely unfair." Spike protested but followed them just the same.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`````````

"So this is Sunnydale?"

"Yeah, pretty much." The young vamp said and shifted uneasily. "I hear there's a new slayer in town."

"There hasn't been a slayer in Sunnydale for almost a hundred years." The Vamp's boss said slowly as he walked down the darkened street.

"Yeah well pickens were slim for a while the whole town was protected by two witches. No body got away with anything until the bitches died." The vamp fell into step behind his boss and swallowed.

"So that's why you left this place and came to be at my side. A coward of Sunnydale's former vampires."

The vamp bristled under the rebuke. He'd been alive for nearly eighty years. He was doing well, he was feared. He didn't need to take this abuse. He was respected. "Listen. You weren't here. You don't..." He didn't even get to finish before the demon had him pinned against the wall.

"Defy me will you. I've put you high in my ranks given you everything you've needed and you defy me. You are replaceable." The demon snarled his black soulless eyes flashed red in the darkness.

"I...I.." The vamp started his body trembling with fear.

"You are finished." The demon bellowed and wrapped his hand around the vamp's neck. His eyes narrowing he squeezed steadily his nails digging into the flesh until he broke the skin and the blood started to run down around his fingers. Within seconds his hands had gone through the vamp's neck and it turned to dust. "Much better." He whistled through his teeth. "So much better." The demon closed his darkened eyes and breathed in deeply. "I smell the dead lurking in the shadows."

Turning back around he headed back for his car and climbed into the driver's seat. "Soon I'll have everyone of them on my side. They'll beg to fall in line with me."

So what do you think?