Disclaimer: I don't own the BtVS or Angel characters.
_Thanks for reading! This chapter is a lot shorter than the others, but hopefully the next one will be longer.
Relive
Chapter 6 'Relation'
Spike's head was killing him. He didn't even want to open his eyes but sleep was impossible when his skull was threatening to split open and spill his brains across the mattress. He groaned and almost regretted the noise as the sound made his ears ring. He hadn't been this hung-over in a really long time. The darkness of the crypt was a comfort at least. He didn't have to deal with harsh fake lighting or the damn flickering of candle fames against his wall. That would just mange to make him sick.
"Ah you're awake. I didn't think you'd be up for a while."
Spike turned his head very slowly to the source of the voice. There was Angelus standing at the corner of his bed looking very smug. Spike remembered him promising to come back last night, bastard. "What do want?" Spike managed to moan and put his hand on his temple wondering if the pounding could possibly be making his hand move.
"I told you I'd be back to talk with you Spike and here I am." Angel said. "I brought you something to eat."
Spike looked up mournfully and narrowed his eyes in exasperation. He didn't want his stupid sire anywhere near him especially not right now, but he was hungry and didn't feel much like facing the day and going to look for some blood. Groggily he reached his hand out and took the packet from Angelus' hand and ripped it open with his teeth. He drank greedily and tossed the empty bag over his shoulder and into the wall. He had to admit he felt better after eating that. The ache in his skull was ebbing slightly.
"So," Angel began conversationally, "what you been up to?"
"I'm not helping you." Spike said and leaned back on his bed closing his eyes and focusing on the blood making its way through out his body.
"That's..." Angel stuttered slowly.
"No use beating around the bush poof. I don't have time for it. I'm only here for a couple more days and I've got things to do." Spike said solemnly.
"Why do you do this to yourself?" Angel asked suddenly. "What's the point in the torture? You have to move on. You have to let her go."
Who did Angel think he was, coming to him trying to see into what he was thinking, giving him advice? He didn't know anything. He had no idea what it was like. He had mourned for years and tried to put it behind him but every time he tried to put her out of his mind he felt like he was betraying her. He couldn't stop dreaming about her. He couldn't stop his memories from running back to when she was alive and he was, what happy?
"Don't talk about stuff you don't understand." Spike ground out between clenched teeth and clenched fists. The wounds that had been on them earlier were healed but the dried blood was still crusted on his knuckles. "You have no idea."
Angel narrowed his eyes his fury building as he looked at his childe. "I don't know pain Spike. We are the same." He didn't even get to finish before Spike turned his tortured and blank gaze on him. There was fire burning behind his eyes.
"Don't stand here and preach to me about how we're the same!" Spike yelled his eyes tearing even though he willed them not to. His voice cracked and his head pounded in his skull as if his brain was begging to be set free. "You have the one you love, and a bloody condo waiting for you in heaven. No matter what happens you know death would be a release, but for me ...for me it's the end." With those last words Spike sank back to his bed and shook his head. He wasn't prepared for Angel's outburst and he almost jumped at the booming sound of his voice.
"I watched my son die." Angel's voice was more controlled but somehow it held the same venom and anger as Spike's had. "My son who was younger than me by over 200 years, I watched wither and die before my eyes. Tell me, Spike, where's the justice in that?"
Spike was silent for a moment and turned away from his wayward sire. He refused to admit that Angelus felt anything like he did. Spike was alone. Angelus wasn't. The both of them fell into silence ignoring the other. There was no sound in the chamber.
"I know you miss her, and I know it kills." Angel said after a lengthy silence, "and I'm sorry."
Spike was silent still his head turned from him and his mouth in a tight line.
"I accepted the fact a long time ago that you loved her." Angel saw Spike flinch slightly. He had never told Spike that he believed in his complete love and total devotion to what had been his life. "I loved her at one time, and I lost her."
"No Peaches, you were stupid you chose to give her up." Spike said from the bed his voice still low and hardly mocking, as if he were just stating a fact.
Angel remained calm despite how much that blow hurt. He ignored Spike and kept speaking. "Either way I lost her. I loved her and let her go. It hurt. I hurt more than I can ever express. She was the first woman I ever loved. The point is I let her go when she died, the second time. I mourned but I still knew that I had to live so I came back. I faced the world and I went on with my life."
Spike shook his head for a moment and turned to catch the eye of his Sire. He didn't say anything but he had given Angel permission to speak again.
"What I want to know is why you're still here, why you're still drowning in her memory. I want to know why you refuse to let go." Angel let his question hang in the air for a moment the words echoing and bouncing off the walls. He was about to speak again when Spike deeply accented voice reached his ears.
"Sometimes, at night, when I remember her and the way she'd let me hold her when we slept, even though she knew what I was," He paused taking a breath that he didn't need, "I can feel her arms wrapping around me, like a breath of warm air on my cold skin. I feel her even when I know she's gone, and when I wake up the next morning, somehow, I'm deader than I was before." He trailed off rubbing his bare arm absently. "I'm wasting away without her."
"I..." Angel started, but Spike wasn't finished.
"I know you won't understand, but when she was alive and I figured out how much I loved her, that my obsession to kill and my insatiable urge to watch her was all because I wanted to touch her, I shunned it. I tried to ignore it, to lock it away and never bloody think about it. She was the soddin' slayer and I was a vampire. I'm a demon, I'm evil. I was supposed to kill her not love her, but there I stood watching her again, and this time there was more than malice in my gaze. I wanted her. I wanted the light she spread on everything. In her gaze in her light I felt alive. Something slipped from me when I was with her. I..." He stopped talking his face suddenly hardening. "Nothing it doesn't matter. I already said too much."
Angel was silent. He'd never heard such words from Spike. Spike didn't talk like that, about love and loss. Sure he hurt, he'd seen him in pain before, but he lashed out. He didn't seek comfort. He remembered when Drusilla had broken up with him so many years ago and how hurt he had been then. Of course in all of it he had been looking for a little mischief he had been more than willing to wreck a little havoc, have a little fun with the slayer. Then he remembered the broken shell that he had seen prior to Buffy's death. At the funeral, held at night for their benefit he had stood in a suit no less his head hung and his eyes glazed. He had hardly spoken a word. He didn't insult he hadn't moved. It was as if a part of him had died. Had he been so blinded by his hatred for his former childe that he had missed that?
~~~~~~~~~~~ 2010 four days after Buffy's death. The night of the funeral.
Angel was a little late. He had done it purposefully in hopes of skipping the waiting outside the church part. He wasn't very keen on churches. Sure he was seeking redemption but he and God weren't on very good terms as far as he was concerned. He jogged up the front steps of the large building and caught sight of something dark in the shadows. There was a long stream of smoke coming from the darkness and Angel knew immediately that it was Spike, who had taken his place in his slayer's heart. Spike the man Buffy had died loving.
Angel sighed. He figured it was better to stand with Spike than to be alone. Cordelia and Wesley were already inside. He had decided it was best to come alone. I made things easier and that way he didn't have to wait, or a least he didn't think he'd have to.
Spike was leaning against one of the large pillars at the top of the Catholic style church with large stain glass windows and a gothic structural style. He was wearing a suit. That shocked Angel slightly. He had never seen Spike in a suit. He was wearing a pair of charcoal pants and a charcoal coat over a white shirt and a black tie. Of course over the suit was his duster and in his lips was a cigarette. His hair was still that striking bleached blood but instead of being plastered to his head it was in swirling curls that fell against his forehead. His eyes were the same piercing ice blue.
"Peaches." His voice said holding very little mocking in the tone as if he didn't quite have the strength for it.
Angel stopped and glared at the vampire through the darkness. "William." He said knowing how much Spike abhorred the name.
"Don't you want to go inside?" Spike asked innocently taking a short drag on his cigarette, "Lots of nice crosses for you to accidentally run into." He turned his head and smirked at him in the darkness but there was very little fire behind his eyes, at least any that had something to do with their old fight.
"Think I'd rather stay out here." Angel said slowly refusing to be baited by Spike's childish attempts to get his goat, so to speak.
"Ahh us creatures of darkness banned from churches and banned from life." He trailed off and Angel caught the glowing end of Spike's cigarette as it turned end over end and landed on one of the granite steps.
Angel was silent not really finding anything to say to that. He stared into the night for a long while before turning back to his former childe. "How long have they been in there?"
Spike who seemed to have just been some place else turned away from the sky and focused on Angel. His eyes were glazed a bit before he shook his head. "What?"
"How long?" Angel asked again impatiently.
"Oh, right. Don't bleedin' know. Never really been to one of these modern funerals." Spike said slowly. "They've been in there for about an hour before you showed up."
Angel nodded it shouldn't be too much longer. The both of them continued to sit in moderate silence and Angel found he had nothing to say to the blonde. He was empty.
Spike tried to ignore his sire's presence. He had been thinking about her. No matter how much he tried to forget her and forget the way she had died he couldn't. Sometimes he would dream, like he had of her first death. He would dream and each time it ended with his hands dripping in her blood. In fact he could almost feel her life one his fingers when he awoke. The first time he had stumbled to the bathroom in Buffy's house and washed his fingers and up his arms until the bled. No one had ever found out. Dawn was sleeping in her room and he was the only other one up. Collapsed on the floor his fingers stinging and bleeding he'd cried. Not only that he had failed, but just for the misery. He had always known she would leave him, but he'd wanted it to be so much longer. He wanted just a little more time. Angel would never understand that. He didn't believe Spike loved her. He loathed him as much as Angel loathed him. It was a mutual hatred spanning from years together their personalities clashing incredibly. They would never get along.
Just when Spike thought he couldn't stand anymore he heard the doors to the church open with a soft clank and he lifted his head as Willow, Xander, Anya, Dawn, Tara, and Giles exited first. Xander and Anya's son Jessie was hanging his head and clutching his mother's hand tightly. There were tears in everyone's eyes. He could feel their pain. Spike was almost hesitant to follow them, but he pushed it away and fell into line with them as Cordelia and Wesley exited the chapel.
"Spike," Dawn said looking over her shoulder and beckoning him closer.
Spike stepped up to her side and tucked the girl against him stroking her hair and whispering to her gently. "S'alright nibblet." He said trying to comfort but feeling anything besides that. He didn't think it would ever be all right.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`````
Angel caught sight of his 'childe' as the coffin was lowered into the ground. He wasn't crying but the expression on his face was more earth shattering than tears. He lips were held in a tight line as is he were suppressing a scream and his eyes were focused almost narrowed on the black box as it was lowered into the earth. He just stood there his eyes unmoving and his face almost impassive.
Angel was slightly disturbed as he turned back to the priest and tried to listen even though his words meant nothing to him. He listened until the man was done and everyone was turning to leave. He had his hand around Cordy's waist as he began to pull her from the scene and back to the car. He was going to go back to Buffy's house for a while and then he was leaving. Just as he was leaving he caught the tail end of Dawns plea.
"...no, you can't stay here."
"Just go one lil' bit. I'll be there in a minute." Spike didn't look at her but shoved her gently away from him. He was looking at the dirt as it was shoveled on top of her coffin. He hadn't pulled his eyes away from the spot since the funeral had started.
"Promise me you'll come home, okay." Dawn swallowed and touched his arm lightly.
"I'll come home." He said after a moment of silence and Dawn sighed and left him standing there looking over her shoulder at his slumped form and frowning.
"Angel are you coming?"
Angel looked into Cordy's tear-red eyes and nodded, "Yeah."
As the three of them, Wesley included, were driving away he caught sight of Spikes thin form slumped on the ground his head buried in his hands. It was disturbing and Angel didn't understand it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~````
'I can't remember anything my teachers have told me. I can hardly remember what I did a few days ago, but I remember what she told me. It's branded in my brain word for word, every tiny syllable every tiny tone. 'Dawn listen to me. Listen, I love you. I will always love you. This is the work that I have to do. Tell Giles...tell Giles I figured it out and I'm okay. And give my love to my friends; you have to take care of them now. You have to take care of each other. You have to be strong. Dawn the hardest thing in this world is to live in it. Be brave, live, for me.' She was so calm as she ran down the length of that tower and I just stood watching as she jumped. She jumped to save me. She jumped to save the world...
It's been over a month since it's happened and I haven't been able to find the words to describe what happened to me. Still it's hard to think about it. I can still see my sister, I can still smell her. I'm alone. My father doesn't know and he continues to ignore me. If he found out I would have to leave and I don't want to live with him. My mother is dead, my sister is dead, and my father might as well be. If it wasn't for Willow, Tara, Xander, Anya, Spike, and Giles I don't think I'd be writing in my journal today. I want her back. I know it's selfish and childish, but I'm only fifteen. I think I'm allowed to be a little selfish. I would give anything just to argue with her again. I know she died to save me and to save the world, but I don't want to accept it. I don't want her to be gone...
I can't talk about that anymore. I don't want to dwell on it. It's something I can't have and I know dreaming that I can have her back only makes it worse. Everyone took it hard and somehow we'll get through this together. Tara and Willow moved in and took mom's room. I don't mind about that. I like having them here. I love them both. Xander has been really quiet as far as Xander goes. He doesn't talk as much. He misses her. Just recently I heard him crack a joke and I almost cried. It meant things were going back to normal. Anya still treats me like a kid, but she's come to be a lot more sympathetic. She seems to understand that I'm in pain that we all are and I think it's because she realizes that she's in pain too. A big step for Anya, in the way of humanity that is. Giles is like a father to me, like I know he was to Buffy, he talks to me and even though I know he's going back to England soon I okay with that. I've seen so many people leave me I think I'm almost numb to it. Spike didn't leave like I know so many people thought he would. He stayed, because he promised to protect me, he stayed because he loved Buffy. I believe him even if my sister didn't. I believe that Spike loved her. I know vampires aren't supposed to feel the entire range of emotions, like sorrow and guilt, but every time he looks at me I see it. He thinks it's his fault Buffy died. He's never felt bad for anything he's done, but he feels bad about Buffy. He tries to be upbeat around me but sometimes he'll get this distant look in his eyes as if he's falling away and nothing will bring him back. When he looks like that I can see his pain, and in those few moments I want to cry not only for my sister but for him. All of them feel guilty. They don't think they did enough, they think they failed some how, but the truth is it was me. It's my fault. She died for the girl that doesn't really exist. She died because of me, and all I can think of are you last words. They echo in my mind when I'm awake, they haunt me in my dream.
'...you have to take care of them now. You have to take care of each other. You have to be strong. Dawn the hardest thing in this world is to live in it. Be brave, live, for me.'
Those are noble words. Those are the words of a hero. A hero, nobody will even know about. To the watcher's she's just one in a long list, but to me to Giles, Tara, Willow, Xander, Anya, and Spike she's so much more. I'm trying to do what she asked. I'm trying to take care of them. I'm trying to be strong, but it's so hard. I try with all might to be brave, but I can hardly stand to get up in the morning. All I can say am I hope the pain will fade...'
Alisa let the book close her fingers trembling and tears running down her cheeks. She dropped the pale blue journal in her lap and wiped the tears from her cheeks and pushed her hair out of her face. She knew there was more left, but she couldn't read it. She felt Dawn's pain and anguish when she'd found out she wasn't real. She felt Dawn's laughter when she'd told Spike she felt safe around him and he told her to take it back. She felt the terror when she described how she was kidnapped. She felt her sorrow when she watched her sister die.
Alisa peeked over her shoulder and saw the first rays of sunlight creeping into her room and lay down shutting her eyes. She needed sleep, but her mind refused to let her. She was still thinking about Dawn and Buffy and the 'Scoobies.' She let a short smile cross her face about the epitaph. She wondered what it would be like to meet them, and mostly she wondered if she would ever be able to be as strong as Buffy. Angel was supposed to come back over and help Kirk research and Alisa knew she should help, but she didn't want to get up. Just as the sun had completely risen her eyes shut and she succumbed to sleep.