Setting Things Right
Author: Anime Ronin
Disclaimer: I own nothing, so deal with it.
AN: I would like to respond to a review / response that was sent to me by Queen Boadiciea and therefore I am posting it below so that I can make a point-by-point rebuttal:
From: Queen Boadicea
I've been thinking a lot about this story since I read the previous chapters. (You may flatter yourself that it had that profound effect.) I've come up with even more disturbing conclusions than I did then.
Xander has basically become a kind of paid assassin for these so-called Powers without seeming to question the path they've set him on. They've incorporated a vicious Hyena spirit (one that originally resulted in the death of a pig and an innocent human being even though he wasn't guilty of murder--yet) and a soldier persona inflicted by dark magic into his mind. You'd think he'd be upset and afraid at such a tactic but he never questions it.
He allows a Slayer to die on their say-so because Kendra isn't the one that fits into their long-range plans. Then they send him on a mission to get the Slayer they really wanted--Faith. Basically, he lets a vampire murder Kendra then goes off to mold Faith into the Slayer they desire. This sounds frighteningly like what the Council of Watchers would do if a Slayer failed to make the grade. (Remember the Cruciamentum?)
I was disgusted at the idea of Buffy weeping over a man who tried to rape her and then spoke coldly of killing her if she ever stepped out of line. If I were she, I'd start stocking up on guns, getting some serious magic mojo behind me and taking steps to defend myself just in case one Alexander Lavelle Harris takes it in his mind to come traipsing back into Sunnydale.
I also thought it rather hypocritical of Xander to threaten to kill Buffy if she got his friends killed. He leaves town directly afterwards! How concerned about them can he be if he just runs out without a word and doesn't bother to contact anybody except Jenny, the person he had the least contact with?
I'm beginning to hate your portrayal of Xander Harris. I hope some humanity returns to him in future chapters.
First of all, I thank you for this reply, QB – I realize that it's not personal, but an honest rendition of your thoughts in black and white. Now, as to Xander basically being an assassin for TPTB, in a way you are right – he has been given all of the perks of his past two possession to basically do their dirty work in hopes that a new future can be made out of what was to be a really crappy one. To that end, he is forced to do things that he would normally never do unless given no other choices (Killing Ethan Rayne, allowing Kendra to die, etc.), he's certainly not happy about what is happening, but he must deal because he has a job to do that he has been selected for – he is, in essence, a soldier given a mission with objectives that he may not personally like, but he must complete for the greater good (in this case, a better future). I know it sounds like a canned response, but it's the best I can give you at this point without having written any other parts of this story.
As to his allowing Kendra to die, I originally wrote the story to have him somehow save her life, but then there would be three slayers (ala the story Three Slayers) and logistically that would be a nightmare for everyone involved. It is not that she did not make some kind of mystical 'grade', as you put it, but rather she was just whoever was next in line for the Slayer Essence and it had to go to Faith. Don't get me wrong, I liked Kendra and the possibilities that she put forth, but even if she had been 'liberated' from the Council's way of thinking, she would have been a developing character for the rest of the story where as Faith already has several key personality traits in place and she's not in a scared state from having Lynda die and Kakistos terrorize her. Like it or not, that is the way I see things – sorry.
No, he is not going to mold Faith into the TPTB's dream for a Slayer – he is going to show her that she is not as alone as she thinks she is and help her removes some of the darkness from her soul that drove her to kill and join the Darkness. In essence, he is hopefully making it to where if something DOES happen, like her killing Finch this time around, she will be able to at least talk to somebody and realize that, yes, it was an accident and then move on. Accidents happen in war and sometimes some innocent civilians get caught in the crossfire – people try to plan for this and prevent it, but it's a harsh reality of combat that was explained to me by a great uncle who served as a grunt in Vietnam in '68 – '69.
Next, the whole tearing into Buffy by Xander at the end of C 3 was terribly overdone – I see that now and am sorry for publishing it that way; yes, I realize that he went WAY over the top, or I did in writing it (however you want to slice it), and that will, well, may change later in the form of an apology. I know for a fact that if I had been torn into like that, the person may eventually earn my trust again, but I'd remember how they hurt me. (I may forgive, but I sure as hell don't forget.)
Oh, and he didn't contact Jenny, Diane did because of his reference to the clan Kalderash – she knows where he is and he's currently too busy trying to figure out just what the hell to do to start mending fences (which will happen at some point in this next chapter). That process will be a slow and sometimes painful one, but it will eventually come to a head in a few chapters when he, Faith and possibly Lynda and the Ares/Joxer/Autolycus/Aphrodite (those are the responses I've gotten so far as of this writing – is everyone so tired of the Gabby character?) look- alike come back to Sunnydale for what would be the start of S3.
As for your declaration of starting to hate my portrayal of Xander, I respect that; I'd be foolish to think that everybody would love the previous two chapters, or the one that I have planned on writing this time, but I hope that somehow I am able to change that, QB. As for the restoration of humanity, well, he's still human, and he will have a choice in the near future as to what he is; a man with his own mind and conscience to live with or a tool of The Powers That Be. Oh, and thank you for the review on my other fic, The Cleaners, and the lines for Xander from The Shadow crossover didn't come from the movie – I listened to the original radio show and got said lines ... and these were before the second world war.
Setting Things Right Chapter 5: E-Mails Home – or – Starting The Rebuilding Process
{AN: This chapter will be short; think of it as a way to start rebuilding Xander to what he once was.}
Xander looked at the blank e-mail form on the computer screen in front of him; he had managed to find a local server in the area and got service that day, though he suspected that somebody higher up the food chain than him had something to do with that, and had managed to access his e-mail account. There was one piece from Jenny concerning a bit about the nature of his job, but the majority of the pieces were from the only other person who had his e-mail address; Dawn had sent no less than fifty e-mails to him in the past four days and while half of them were rants and raves questioning just how he could say mean things like that to Buffy, several were questions about why he had not told everyone about his 'job' with Lex and one was a simple question which had him stumped – "When are you coming home?"
It took about five minutes of him looking at the blank for before he put his hands on the keyboard and began typing, "Hello, Dawn Patrol. I don't know when I'm coming home." He was going to leave it at that but an exasperated snort behind him made it clear that it would not be enough.
"Surely you are not going to leave your response at that, Alex." Lynda had called Giles at some point during the day and had gotten the full story from him; he didn't have anything remotely resembling telepathy, but he could sense that she was less than pleased with his actions thus far.
Sighing, he put his hands back on the keyboard and began typing again, "I have a job to do out here in Boston, Dawnie, and I can't say for sure when I'll be back, but what I can tell you is that ... I'm sorry. I should have told all of you what was going down, but I couldn't bring myself to do it; I was afraid. Part of me knows that what I am doing is somewhat necessary, but another part of me hates it – for want of a better term, I am an assassin. Whatever doesn't fit into the PTB's plans, I change – if it is a person, I neutralize them in a manner that they will not hinder the job any more, if it is an event, I try and alter some of the things within that event to make it a positive thing.
"I've made a few decisions that I am not proud of, Dawnie, and a few more than still keep me awake at night, but I can't change ... okay, let me rephrase that. I CAN change a past, but I can't change who I really am anymore, Dawn – I am The Hyena, I am The Soldier, I am Xander and we have all be rolled into one person. I kill, I hunt, I track, I ... fix, situations and I cannot be second-guessing my actions – if what I am doing at any given time somehow endangers the timeline, Lex will call me or I will stop myself. Bye for now, Alex." He looked back over his shoulder, "Better?"
"A trifle contrite, perhaps, bordering on the level of condescending, but I think that you are getting the point across." Lynda removed her button-up sweater and hung it atop a chair, "Now, are you going to explain the situation via e-mail to Willow, Buffy and the others?"
"Slave driver." He hit the SEND button and pulled up a new form, addressing it to Willow, "Hey Wills, 'sme. Alright, by now I am pretty sure you've called me just about every name in the English language, the Hebrew language and a few others that I can only dream about, but let me tell you that in the past few days, I've definitely called myself worse. If you have not done this by now, though, please take this time to do so before reading on.
...
...
...
"Got that out of your system? Good, now here comes as much of an apology as you are going to get out of me at this point in time – WillowpleaseforgivemebecauseIamreallysorryandreally,really,REALLYdidn'twatto doit,butIhadtoandfeelreallybadaboutitnow." {AN: For those who do not speak or read Willow-babble, here is the translation – Willow, please forgive me because I am really sorry and really, really, REALLY didn't want to do it, but I had to and feel really bad about it now.} Alex looked over the last line and tried to suppress a chuckle – he was so used to apologizing to Willow that he even typed Willow-babble.
"No, I am not mocking you – I have a witness who has seen me type/Willow- babble that last part and can/will attest to the fact that I did not change any portion of it.
"I can't change what I have done – if I have hurt you, I am sorry. I know you'll turn the Resolved Face on me when you get the chance and ask me why I kept a secret from you ... and my answer to you is that I have always kept secrets, Wills. I wouldn't be me if I didn't.
"I've already mailed Dawn and once I finish up with you I'll mail Buffy – no promises on how long it will take me to type it out, but I have a lot to explain. Make sure she reads it, or if she can't/won't, put the Resolve Face on her and make her listen while you read it. Adios, Alex."
Lynda looked over at him after reading it over, "Willow-babble?"
He sighed, "Redhead."
"Ah."
Sending that message, he pulled up another form and steeled himself; he was about to explain his actions to one of his former best friends, whom he had practically eviscerated verbally, and set his fingers on the keys again, "Alright, Slayer, here's the deal – I type, you read (or if you refuse to read, Willow talks and you listen); I'm sorry. There, happy? Knowing you, probably not, so let me get on with this.
"You have no idea how hard it was for me to do what I did to you in the graveyard that day – it was perhaps the hardest thing I've ever had to do; I can't justify it enough to even myself, so I'm only going to say that it was a breaking point for me – I've had a lot of stuff happening lately and it's been driving me close to the edge and the deaths of both Kendra and Brittany (you never met her, so don't wrack your brain trying to place the name) are what finally did it. I fucked up royally and they paid the price; granted, you not wanting to stake Angelus was part of that frustration, but I was also under orders to not dust the bastard, which happened to be my first instinct (and still is, soul or no soul).
"Let me tell you that I take little-to-no pleasure in doing what I do or having done what I have done; for nearly four months I lied my ass off to each and every one of you, save Jenny as she had an idea of what I was doing via her magic (ask her, I'm still kinda foggy on it, though). I displaced blame, I killed Ethan Rayne, I got people killed because of my inaction and dusted two of the worst vampires to ever walk the earth (Drusilla and her childe, Spike); I like to think that somehow this can or has balanced the scales a bit, but it hasn't – only recently have I been able to look in the mirror and not hate the guy looking back at me, Buff.
"Seeing as I'm airing out my dirty laundry, I might as well tell you something else; remember the Hyena? Remember his attempted rape of you? Remember the killings of both Herbert and Principal Flutie? Well, so do I, though I wasn't in on the murder of the principal; I lied to you even back then about my memory and Giles knew about it. Don't take it out on him – I asked him to keep it from you because I wasn't sure how you would take it.
"Accept it, don't accept it, mail me back and tell me to do myself a favor and never come back to Sunnydale, or if I do save you the trouble and slit my own throat once I get there for all I can tell you. Like I told Dawnie, I can't change what I've done this time and I'll have to live with the consequences for a long time to come, but they were my choices to make and, though reluctantly in some cases, I stand by them. Alexander Lavelle Harris."
Without giving him a chance to talk himself out of it, he savagely hit the SEND button and leaned back in his chair; Lynda had left a few minutes after he started his note to Buffy and he was somewhat glad she had because he never would have finished that note if she hadn't.
"So, you lied to them all."
Damn, "Yeah, Faith, I did." He turned around and saw the Boston-born Slayer standing about five feet behind him with her arms crossed and a blank look on her face, "I lied to my best friends in the entire world about everything after Halloween last year, I killed a Chaos mage that night, and I've gotten an innocent young woman and your predecessor killed in the process too." He stood and held his arms out, "Go ahead and lay into me; I deserve it."
Faith just stood there, her eyes staring into his for a long while until she took a breath and let it out slowly, "No. Nothing I can do to you would ever make up for what you've done to them. I thought I could trust you, Alex."
He nodded, "Faith, you can, and before you call 'Bullshit' on me, let me tell you a little something; I was sent out here for you and you alone. You've got a lot on your plate, Faith, and believe me I know what it's like to have all of this shoved on to you, but I was sent out here to help you with some of your emotional baggage."
"And what would you know about my 'emotional baggage'? You don't know me!"
"You father used to beat you and started raping you at the age of eleven and didn't stop until you ran away from home at fifteen. Your mother was a drug addict, a hooker and was abused wife who died of AIDS when you were ten. You lived on the streets for sixteen months before Lynda found you because you were Called as the Slayer – had she not you probably would have ended up as a junkie or a hooker, possibly both, by the time you hit your next birthday. Tell me at what point in all of this I am wrong and I'll pack my bags and leave town."
She stood in front of him for nearly five minutes, gaping at what had amounted to the highlights of her life up to that point, before she was able to ask, "How did you know all of that?"
He sighed and sat down into the chair, "Faith, what I am about to tell you is a no bullshit answer; I know it because some of it you told me and most of it I figured out from the last timeline."
"Last ... timeline?"
"Yeah; the long and the short of it is that all of this has happened before and I was given a chance to change some of it. I've saved a few people, got a few more killed, and I plan on keeping several more people very much alive and on the side of light, but there you have it."
"No shit?"
"No shit. You essentially got the short end of the Slaying stick and that is one of the things I was given the chance to change; we weren't good friends back then but I hope that you'll give me the chance to change that ... if you'll trust me."
She stood there for a few second, looking as if she was unsure what to do, but then steeled herself, "Are you doing this out of guilt or out of really wanting to be my friend."
"Both," he answered promptly. "Last time, you were like a dark-haired goddess and I was in lust with you from the word 'Go'. Frankly, I never should have gotten a look in with as much of a geek as I was, but seeing as I was trying to include you in the group, you tried, but I screwed it up."
"How?"
Even if he hadn't answered the phone in his pocket, his answer would have been the same as Lex's, "Don't tell her."
"I can't tell you, Faith; some things are better left unknown."
She glared at him slight before she took two steps forwards, now nose-to- nose with him, "You lie or try to hurt me or Lynda and I'll use your guts for garters, Alex."
"First, you'd have to wear a dress to wear my guts as garters, and secondly I'll cut myself open to save you the trouble if I do." He looked deep into her eyes and, as had happened once or twice last time around, was starting to get lost in them when there was a gentle cough from the door way, making the pair of them jump apart and look over at Lynda, who was smiling like a Cheshire cat who had fallen into a milk jug and was drinking it's way to freedom.
"Sorry to interrupt this touching moment, but you have a call, Alex; it's Mister Giles." Lynda smiled at Alex felt a blush start to creep across his face; he could see Faith blushing furiously out of the corner of his eye and thought it was cute.
"Well, that didn't take long." He walked over to his telephone and picked it up, "Hello?"
He then jerked it away as the shouted message came through the receiver loud enough for everyone to hear it, "ALEXANDER LAVELLE HARRIS, BLOODY WELL EXPLAIN YOURSELF RIGHT NOW YOU SODDING WANKER OR I'LL RIP YOUR BLEEDING HEART OUT THROUGH YOUR ARSE!"
Okay, I'm cutting this chapter off right here; the conversation that is to take place I'm not sure I am old enough to hear, let alone write to where kids can read it. R & R, but no flames; my backside is still slightly charred from another I just got and have since erased. AR.
Author: Anime Ronin
Disclaimer: I own nothing, so deal with it.
AN: I would like to respond to a review / response that was sent to me by Queen Boadiciea and therefore I am posting it below so that I can make a point-by-point rebuttal:
From: Queen Boadicea
I've been thinking a lot about this story since I read the previous chapters. (You may flatter yourself that it had that profound effect.) I've come up with even more disturbing conclusions than I did then.
Xander has basically become a kind of paid assassin for these so-called Powers without seeming to question the path they've set him on. They've incorporated a vicious Hyena spirit (one that originally resulted in the death of a pig and an innocent human being even though he wasn't guilty of murder--yet) and a soldier persona inflicted by dark magic into his mind. You'd think he'd be upset and afraid at such a tactic but he never questions it.
He allows a Slayer to die on their say-so because Kendra isn't the one that fits into their long-range plans. Then they send him on a mission to get the Slayer they really wanted--Faith. Basically, he lets a vampire murder Kendra then goes off to mold Faith into the Slayer they desire. This sounds frighteningly like what the Council of Watchers would do if a Slayer failed to make the grade. (Remember the Cruciamentum?)
I was disgusted at the idea of Buffy weeping over a man who tried to rape her and then spoke coldly of killing her if she ever stepped out of line. If I were she, I'd start stocking up on guns, getting some serious magic mojo behind me and taking steps to defend myself just in case one Alexander Lavelle Harris takes it in his mind to come traipsing back into Sunnydale.
I also thought it rather hypocritical of Xander to threaten to kill Buffy if she got his friends killed. He leaves town directly afterwards! How concerned about them can he be if he just runs out without a word and doesn't bother to contact anybody except Jenny, the person he had the least contact with?
I'm beginning to hate your portrayal of Xander Harris. I hope some humanity returns to him in future chapters.
First of all, I thank you for this reply, QB – I realize that it's not personal, but an honest rendition of your thoughts in black and white. Now, as to Xander basically being an assassin for TPTB, in a way you are right – he has been given all of the perks of his past two possession to basically do their dirty work in hopes that a new future can be made out of what was to be a really crappy one. To that end, he is forced to do things that he would normally never do unless given no other choices (Killing Ethan Rayne, allowing Kendra to die, etc.), he's certainly not happy about what is happening, but he must deal because he has a job to do that he has been selected for – he is, in essence, a soldier given a mission with objectives that he may not personally like, but he must complete for the greater good (in this case, a better future). I know it sounds like a canned response, but it's the best I can give you at this point without having written any other parts of this story.
As to his allowing Kendra to die, I originally wrote the story to have him somehow save her life, but then there would be three slayers (ala the story Three Slayers) and logistically that would be a nightmare for everyone involved. It is not that she did not make some kind of mystical 'grade', as you put it, but rather she was just whoever was next in line for the Slayer Essence and it had to go to Faith. Don't get me wrong, I liked Kendra and the possibilities that she put forth, but even if she had been 'liberated' from the Council's way of thinking, she would have been a developing character for the rest of the story where as Faith already has several key personality traits in place and she's not in a scared state from having Lynda die and Kakistos terrorize her. Like it or not, that is the way I see things – sorry.
No, he is not going to mold Faith into the TPTB's dream for a Slayer – he is going to show her that she is not as alone as she thinks she is and help her removes some of the darkness from her soul that drove her to kill and join the Darkness. In essence, he is hopefully making it to where if something DOES happen, like her killing Finch this time around, she will be able to at least talk to somebody and realize that, yes, it was an accident and then move on. Accidents happen in war and sometimes some innocent civilians get caught in the crossfire – people try to plan for this and prevent it, but it's a harsh reality of combat that was explained to me by a great uncle who served as a grunt in Vietnam in '68 – '69.
Next, the whole tearing into Buffy by Xander at the end of C 3 was terribly overdone – I see that now and am sorry for publishing it that way; yes, I realize that he went WAY over the top, or I did in writing it (however you want to slice it), and that will, well, may change later in the form of an apology. I know for a fact that if I had been torn into like that, the person may eventually earn my trust again, but I'd remember how they hurt me. (I may forgive, but I sure as hell don't forget.)
Oh, and he didn't contact Jenny, Diane did because of his reference to the clan Kalderash – she knows where he is and he's currently too busy trying to figure out just what the hell to do to start mending fences (which will happen at some point in this next chapter). That process will be a slow and sometimes painful one, but it will eventually come to a head in a few chapters when he, Faith and possibly Lynda and the Ares/Joxer/Autolycus/Aphrodite (those are the responses I've gotten so far as of this writing – is everyone so tired of the Gabby character?) look- alike come back to Sunnydale for what would be the start of S3.
As for your declaration of starting to hate my portrayal of Xander, I respect that; I'd be foolish to think that everybody would love the previous two chapters, or the one that I have planned on writing this time, but I hope that somehow I am able to change that, QB. As for the restoration of humanity, well, he's still human, and he will have a choice in the near future as to what he is; a man with his own mind and conscience to live with or a tool of The Powers That Be. Oh, and thank you for the review on my other fic, The Cleaners, and the lines for Xander from The Shadow crossover didn't come from the movie – I listened to the original radio show and got said lines ... and these were before the second world war.
Setting Things Right Chapter 5: E-Mails Home – or – Starting The Rebuilding Process
{AN: This chapter will be short; think of it as a way to start rebuilding Xander to what he once was.}
Xander looked at the blank e-mail form on the computer screen in front of him; he had managed to find a local server in the area and got service that day, though he suspected that somebody higher up the food chain than him had something to do with that, and had managed to access his e-mail account. There was one piece from Jenny concerning a bit about the nature of his job, but the majority of the pieces were from the only other person who had his e-mail address; Dawn had sent no less than fifty e-mails to him in the past four days and while half of them were rants and raves questioning just how he could say mean things like that to Buffy, several were questions about why he had not told everyone about his 'job' with Lex and one was a simple question which had him stumped – "When are you coming home?"
It took about five minutes of him looking at the blank for before he put his hands on the keyboard and began typing, "Hello, Dawn Patrol. I don't know when I'm coming home." He was going to leave it at that but an exasperated snort behind him made it clear that it would not be enough.
"Surely you are not going to leave your response at that, Alex." Lynda had called Giles at some point during the day and had gotten the full story from him; he didn't have anything remotely resembling telepathy, but he could sense that she was less than pleased with his actions thus far.
Sighing, he put his hands back on the keyboard and began typing again, "I have a job to do out here in Boston, Dawnie, and I can't say for sure when I'll be back, but what I can tell you is that ... I'm sorry. I should have told all of you what was going down, but I couldn't bring myself to do it; I was afraid. Part of me knows that what I am doing is somewhat necessary, but another part of me hates it – for want of a better term, I am an assassin. Whatever doesn't fit into the PTB's plans, I change – if it is a person, I neutralize them in a manner that they will not hinder the job any more, if it is an event, I try and alter some of the things within that event to make it a positive thing.
"I've made a few decisions that I am not proud of, Dawnie, and a few more than still keep me awake at night, but I can't change ... okay, let me rephrase that. I CAN change a past, but I can't change who I really am anymore, Dawn – I am The Hyena, I am The Soldier, I am Xander and we have all be rolled into one person. I kill, I hunt, I track, I ... fix, situations and I cannot be second-guessing my actions – if what I am doing at any given time somehow endangers the timeline, Lex will call me or I will stop myself. Bye for now, Alex." He looked back over his shoulder, "Better?"
"A trifle contrite, perhaps, bordering on the level of condescending, but I think that you are getting the point across." Lynda removed her button-up sweater and hung it atop a chair, "Now, are you going to explain the situation via e-mail to Willow, Buffy and the others?"
"Slave driver." He hit the SEND button and pulled up a new form, addressing it to Willow, "Hey Wills, 'sme. Alright, by now I am pretty sure you've called me just about every name in the English language, the Hebrew language and a few others that I can only dream about, but let me tell you that in the past few days, I've definitely called myself worse. If you have not done this by now, though, please take this time to do so before reading on.
...
...
...
"Got that out of your system? Good, now here comes as much of an apology as you are going to get out of me at this point in time – WillowpleaseforgivemebecauseIamreallysorryandreally,really,REALLYdidn'twatto doit,butIhadtoandfeelreallybadaboutitnow." {AN: For those who do not speak or read Willow-babble, here is the translation – Willow, please forgive me because I am really sorry and really, really, REALLY didn't want to do it, but I had to and feel really bad about it now.} Alex looked over the last line and tried to suppress a chuckle – he was so used to apologizing to Willow that he even typed Willow-babble.
"No, I am not mocking you – I have a witness who has seen me type/Willow- babble that last part and can/will attest to the fact that I did not change any portion of it.
"I can't change what I have done – if I have hurt you, I am sorry. I know you'll turn the Resolved Face on me when you get the chance and ask me why I kept a secret from you ... and my answer to you is that I have always kept secrets, Wills. I wouldn't be me if I didn't.
"I've already mailed Dawn and once I finish up with you I'll mail Buffy – no promises on how long it will take me to type it out, but I have a lot to explain. Make sure she reads it, or if she can't/won't, put the Resolve Face on her and make her listen while you read it. Adios, Alex."
Lynda looked over at him after reading it over, "Willow-babble?"
He sighed, "Redhead."
"Ah."
Sending that message, he pulled up another form and steeled himself; he was about to explain his actions to one of his former best friends, whom he had practically eviscerated verbally, and set his fingers on the keys again, "Alright, Slayer, here's the deal – I type, you read (or if you refuse to read, Willow talks and you listen); I'm sorry. There, happy? Knowing you, probably not, so let me get on with this.
"You have no idea how hard it was for me to do what I did to you in the graveyard that day – it was perhaps the hardest thing I've ever had to do; I can't justify it enough to even myself, so I'm only going to say that it was a breaking point for me – I've had a lot of stuff happening lately and it's been driving me close to the edge and the deaths of both Kendra and Brittany (you never met her, so don't wrack your brain trying to place the name) are what finally did it. I fucked up royally and they paid the price; granted, you not wanting to stake Angelus was part of that frustration, but I was also under orders to not dust the bastard, which happened to be my first instinct (and still is, soul or no soul).
"Let me tell you that I take little-to-no pleasure in doing what I do or having done what I have done; for nearly four months I lied my ass off to each and every one of you, save Jenny as she had an idea of what I was doing via her magic (ask her, I'm still kinda foggy on it, though). I displaced blame, I killed Ethan Rayne, I got people killed because of my inaction and dusted two of the worst vampires to ever walk the earth (Drusilla and her childe, Spike); I like to think that somehow this can or has balanced the scales a bit, but it hasn't – only recently have I been able to look in the mirror and not hate the guy looking back at me, Buff.
"Seeing as I'm airing out my dirty laundry, I might as well tell you something else; remember the Hyena? Remember his attempted rape of you? Remember the killings of both Herbert and Principal Flutie? Well, so do I, though I wasn't in on the murder of the principal; I lied to you even back then about my memory and Giles knew about it. Don't take it out on him – I asked him to keep it from you because I wasn't sure how you would take it.
"Accept it, don't accept it, mail me back and tell me to do myself a favor and never come back to Sunnydale, or if I do save you the trouble and slit my own throat once I get there for all I can tell you. Like I told Dawnie, I can't change what I've done this time and I'll have to live with the consequences for a long time to come, but they were my choices to make and, though reluctantly in some cases, I stand by them. Alexander Lavelle Harris."
Without giving him a chance to talk himself out of it, he savagely hit the SEND button and leaned back in his chair; Lynda had left a few minutes after he started his note to Buffy and he was somewhat glad she had because he never would have finished that note if she hadn't.
"So, you lied to them all."
Damn, "Yeah, Faith, I did." He turned around and saw the Boston-born Slayer standing about five feet behind him with her arms crossed and a blank look on her face, "I lied to my best friends in the entire world about everything after Halloween last year, I killed a Chaos mage that night, and I've gotten an innocent young woman and your predecessor killed in the process too." He stood and held his arms out, "Go ahead and lay into me; I deserve it."
Faith just stood there, her eyes staring into his for a long while until she took a breath and let it out slowly, "No. Nothing I can do to you would ever make up for what you've done to them. I thought I could trust you, Alex."
He nodded, "Faith, you can, and before you call 'Bullshit' on me, let me tell you a little something; I was sent out here for you and you alone. You've got a lot on your plate, Faith, and believe me I know what it's like to have all of this shoved on to you, but I was sent out here to help you with some of your emotional baggage."
"And what would you know about my 'emotional baggage'? You don't know me!"
"You father used to beat you and started raping you at the age of eleven and didn't stop until you ran away from home at fifteen. Your mother was a drug addict, a hooker and was abused wife who died of AIDS when you were ten. You lived on the streets for sixteen months before Lynda found you because you were Called as the Slayer – had she not you probably would have ended up as a junkie or a hooker, possibly both, by the time you hit your next birthday. Tell me at what point in all of this I am wrong and I'll pack my bags and leave town."
She stood in front of him for nearly five minutes, gaping at what had amounted to the highlights of her life up to that point, before she was able to ask, "How did you know all of that?"
He sighed and sat down into the chair, "Faith, what I am about to tell you is a no bullshit answer; I know it because some of it you told me and most of it I figured out from the last timeline."
"Last ... timeline?"
"Yeah; the long and the short of it is that all of this has happened before and I was given a chance to change some of it. I've saved a few people, got a few more killed, and I plan on keeping several more people very much alive and on the side of light, but there you have it."
"No shit?"
"No shit. You essentially got the short end of the Slaying stick and that is one of the things I was given the chance to change; we weren't good friends back then but I hope that you'll give me the chance to change that ... if you'll trust me."
She stood there for a few second, looking as if she was unsure what to do, but then steeled herself, "Are you doing this out of guilt or out of really wanting to be my friend."
"Both," he answered promptly. "Last time, you were like a dark-haired goddess and I was in lust with you from the word 'Go'. Frankly, I never should have gotten a look in with as much of a geek as I was, but seeing as I was trying to include you in the group, you tried, but I screwed it up."
"How?"
Even if he hadn't answered the phone in his pocket, his answer would have been the same as Lex's, "Don't tell her."
"I can't tell you, Faith; some things are better left unknown."
She glared at him slight before she took two steps forwards, now nose-to- nose with him, "You lie or try to hurt me or Lynda and I'll use your guts for garters, Alex."
"First, you'd have to wear a dress to wear my guts as garters, and secondly I'll cut myself open to save you the trouble if I do." He looked deep into her eyes and, as had happened once or twice last time around, was starting to get lost in them when there was a gentle cough from the door way, making the pair of them jump apart and look over at Lynda, who was smiling like a Cheshire cat who had fallen into a milk jug and was drinking it's way to freedom.
"Sorry to interrupt this touching moment, but you have a call, Alex; it's Mister Giles." Lynda smiled at Alex felt a blush start to creep across his face; he could see Faith blushing furiously out of the corner of his eye and thought it was cute.
"Well, that didn't take long." He walked over to his telephone and picked it up, "Hello?"
He then jerked it away as the shouted message came through the receiver loud enough for everyone to hear it, "ALEXANDER LAVELLE HARRIS, BLOODY WELL EXPLAIN YOURSELF RIGHT NOW YOU SODDING WANKER OR I'LL RIP YOUR BLEEDING HEART OUT THROUGH YOUR ARSE!"
Okay, I'm cutting this chapter off right here; the conversation that is to take place I'm not sure I am old enough to hear, let alone write to where kids can read it. R & R, but no flames; my backside is still slightly charred from another I just got and have since erased. AR.